Escape's Journal.

[CosmicNeurotica]

Escape, don't delete anything you have to say.
You are one of the most intelligent people I know here.
I don't know much, but from reading your posts, I know that you'll be just fine in life.
You have the whole package it takes to succeed.
I wish I could tell you how to beat SA, as you know me I suffer it pretty bad, but all I really wish to say is I wish you the absolute best in life.
I think you're pretty darn bitchin, and if I was just a little younger I'd probably ask you on a date.
I know you might be out of my league lol, but hey I know what I like.

Anyway, thanks for being a friend to me in the past, and I hope everything stays cool with you.

 

[EasySkanking]

^Agreed

Just a couple things you got wrong :

- She is the most intelligent person on this forum.
- She suffers more from AvPD it seems than from SA.
- Even if you did ask her out, she would have to say no - as she is 'intelligent' enough to know that chicks are way hotter than guys

Haha . I <3 escape, wish she was closer to me - would love to be her friend.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

AvPD is a result of S.A.D and other disorders imo.
She IS the most intelligent human on the forums. (sorry, lemurs are smarter than humans, just biological fact =D
And take your time EA, you being busy in this program inspires us all, so post when you can, many want to hear of your exploits.
And chicks are way hotter than guys, duh. Even tho Easy confuses guys and girls on SPW sometimes...

 

[BlackPuma]

Hey Escape, I hear that you're not doing well right now. It just breaks my heart.

But we're here for you, alright? I admit that voiding from your diet wasn't very smart, but c'mon, you're permitted to make mistakes.

You're doing things very well as of late, don't throw that away, please. :3 I -know- you can do fight yourself through it, and if you can't fight, I know you care struggle through it. You're far more intelligent than most people I know, and all compliments aside that much is REALLY true. You're right up there with Feathers and EasySkankings, as far as I'm concerned. That in itself gives you great power of perception. It's as much a curse as it is a power, that much is true. But a great power all the same.

Just take small steps. You've made a mistake, now go fix it. You're not alone, we're all here in spirit. It might seem like text, but behind that are people that really care about you. :3 Just look at all those people here, they're all behind you, including me.

Hope you feel better soon. I really do.

 

[EasySkanking]

Yes Escape, please don't ever delete a post again!! We love you and love hearing from you... your posts and progress inspires us and your struggles makes us feel not as alone. And please excuse me for my earlier post (you know me I can be quite "intense" sometimes), it's one of my flaws, but I'm working on it . But, it was all true that I said, even if I said it so inapropriately

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Yes Escape, please don't ever delete a post again!! We love you and love hearing from you... your posts and progress inspires us and your struggles makes us feel not as alone. And please excuse me for my earlier post (you know me I can be quite "intense" sometimes), it's one of my flaws, but I'm working on it . But, it was all true that I said, even if I said it so inapropriately

That's your charm, dude, we all know you arent being creepy or anything, your intensity makes you you. Dont change that =)

 

[BlackPuma]

^ Yes, I agree with what Duex Ex said.

You have a very assertive charm, ES. It's a good quality, especially amongst those with social troubles. ;3

It's better to say the things you want to say and potentially apologies about them later, then to not say them at all. I'm sure EA knows you well enough to know you mean well.

Highfive on it? :3 *pending up-high..*

 

[EasySkanking]

It's better to say the things you want to say and potentially apologies about them later, then to not say them at all. I'm sure EA knows you well enough to know you mean well.

Highfive on it? :3 *pending up-high..*

True. And *high five*

 

[Acegame]

Awesome!! I got into the program!

Congratulations!!! This program sounds so great...You are gonna learn so much from this. Not only the workexperience and all that, but the fact that you'll be around people every day i think is very valuable.

I actually like the part that you're put into a group with 9 other people who also have a "barrier". I understand this is intimidating (I would be too), but because it's so hard to get into the program, they won't just put anybody in there because the program possibly leads into a job. Probably great people who understand what you are going through. I think you'll have allot of support from eachother since you're all in the same boat.

I'm so curious how this experience will be for you. I wish you all the luck and strength for making this program a succes

ps. So courageous of you to sign up for this!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Ooof I'm really ashamed of my negativity lately, so much that I can barely get on SPWorld, or read the replies to this journal. =/ This attitude of mine is completely ruining my life, currently. Taking so much energy out of me. Basically I have stopped talking to any of my family members except for the occasional grunt. I don't do anything except lie in bed and then at night I basically try and kill myself by eating massive amounts of food. Lol well that may be an exageration, I'm not sure. It may not... The weight gain sure isn't helping much with the social anxiety

Anyways. This attitude is spurring from the thought that I will never be socially comfortable and thus happy because I am too inadequate and unworthy. So in the end it is mainly related to SA and AvPD. I see all of these people, strangers, old friends, family, and they seem to have something I don't. This sense of being there with themselves, so that they are able to do things and go places that I am not. I guess that word is confidence, but it seems like a dual identity that everybody else has. I think that when you don't have self-belief, you don't have a large part of yourself. The care-taker, reassurer, the idol and parent that each person needs to have within themself to get back in-flow. And when you don't have this part of yourself you are chronically lonely in a way that company can't reach. Wait, I think I heard this from somebody who read it in a book. But it's true.

Anyway, enough of this. I was posting to say that I am not going to sit around and wait for a revelation anymore. I don't want this attitude to ruin my attendance or focus for this upcoming program. But more than that, a year ago I thought I was going to make this huge difference in the world. I was going to finish school with straight As and get a million degrees and dive right into something especially important and put everything into it. Conservation of nature, natives, health. And I lost that. I realized that there were many people out there who were more qualified to make a difference in the world and that in the end I was not needed. Other people can say it better

Up unto that point I was only living to help the world as I thought I was going to. And I guess when I lost that I lost my purpose, other than to be happy, which isn't a strong enough purpose for me seeing that happiness is unfamiliar and scary to me, I saw how worthless I felt unless I made a huge positive impact on the world. It was that mantra/epiphany that I made for myself when I was 7ish, "I am here to make others happy in every opportunity while being invisible", one of the few moments I remember clearly of my childhood. I guess i'm still carrying it around without seeing it. I feel that the misery of the past few months are probably the beginning of coming to realize a whole new purpose. The misery will be worth it

Now everything seems to be telling me how short and insignificant life is. We're all on 'borrowed' time. I keep telling myself that I don't have to save myself today because I have tomorrow, and surely I won't let my future self down. But then there is that voice that gets truly fearful every evening, what if this is the last evening? What if that mega-thrust-earthquake that is supposed to hit here soon hits TONIGHT and here I am waiting for a future that is no garauntee? Ah this keeps me up every night. I heard while watching TV something like "If you aren't being the real you, you will never reach your full potential" and that scared everything out of me. Simply because it could be true. I could repeat this cycle until I die and never see the life I dream of or never discover what it feels like to be satisfied and happy. I might never help anybody because I can never even help myself. I might never know any life except for this one! The only thing that gets me through this miserable life of self doubt is that I won't be here forever because I will be living the beautiful life that I know is possible. And if that is not fulfilled... I'm sure I will feel regret on my deathbed if not beyond. I also heard somebody say on TV that "God, or the divine, has biggers plans that you can ever make for yourself. You can be in flow or out of flow. If you do everything that you can to get back into the flow, then when you surrender yourself you open a space for these things to happen" or something like that. Not the most inspiring quote, but it was simply the straightforward and simple thing I needed to hear. (It sounds pretty religious, but it can also been seen from a more natural and spiritual perspective.) I think all I needed to realize is that "the divine" has bigger plans than I can dream up for myself, and that I must work to put my trust in that instead of doubting that it will be worth it in the end. But I have to be the one that puts myself IN FLOW in order to be carried by that stream of positive energy.

Oof, all of this text and all I was planning on saying is that tomorrow I am going to do everything I possibly can to reach my full potential and the glories that I'm sure I can't even comprehend. I'm not going to let life be sucked past me without actualizing my dreams and discovering my purpose. I'm not too sure how I'm going to do this yet.... and I'm extremely nervous that it will backfire because I am ALWAYS unusually motivated in the evening but honestly couldn't care less in the daytime. But I'm just going to do what I know MUST be done to reach that potential, and I'm going to do it every day believing that I'm alligning myself with something more powerful and awe-inspiring than 'how I feel' right now. They say that the greatest fear is not knowing, and in the same way the desire to know can be one's greatest tool

 

[EscapeArtist]

Aws, maybe I should have read the comments earlier... <3<3<3!!

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello EA,

Honey i'm sorry to hear that u don't feel well. U are so spiritual soul. I see how hard u fight with yourself and i'm sure one day u will be happy and reach your dreams. I can relate to a lot of what u said with feeling unworthy, no self-esteem and lots others stuff.

Yes first u should help yourself and later if u see u are strong enough help to others. Don't take to much on your shoulders on start because this can fall apart because u will do it to much on
ones. With food and binge eating i feel with ya because if u lose hopes, u lose motivation food seems like "emotional realizing" but in short term i know. Thumbs up u are very brave,intelligent girl u are just 17 and already so wise...i think u have much more as some people will ever have!!! I wish all good an i hope u will feel soon much more better and be again ready for fight!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I can relate to literally everything you said, Sab. I am feeling meh about my situation as well. But the future is unwritten yet; you have much time to make a difference. Saving the world - perhaps not the world. Perhaps one person's life down the road... everything's connected. I posted this before but it makes a lot of sense...

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill
Be a scrub in the valley -- but be
The best little scrub by the side of the hill;
Be a bush, if you can't be a tree

If you can't be a bush, be a bit of the grass,
And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a muskie, then just be a bass--
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here.
There's big work to do and there's lesser to do
And the task we must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway, then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun, be a star;
It isn't the size that you win or you fail--
Be the best of whatever you are!

---Douglass Malloch

Through this experience you'll be helping yourself and to discover what you are; it wont be without pitfalls and crashes but you will do it. The hardest times are like now - fearing the unknown; the lack of motivation, hopelessness and feeling there's no escape of these chains bounding you to seize your dreams. That's how I feel right now.

But everyday is like a new life. Treat it as such, I'm trying to.

Anyways. Bleh.

 

[EscapeArtist]

"Friday, April 01, 2011 by: Dr. David Jockers

Beat depression naturally

People with chronic depression often times have significant biochemical imbalances in their neurological tissue. New research has indicated that this imbalance is not a genetic flaw as was once thought. Instead it is due to a heavy onslaught of toxicity or severe nutritional and lifestyle based deficiencies that cause massive brain inflammation; this in effect disrupts normal neurological processing. Fortunately, when these causative factors are addressed, one can overcome the chemical imbalances and beat depression naturally.

Depression and neuro-emotional diseases such as bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. are at an all-time high. The pharmaceutical industry has brought out dozens of blockbuster drugs to treat all of these conditions with billions of $ of revenue every year. Unfortunately, none of these drugs treat the cause of the chemical imbalance, but they merely treat the symptoms and come with a whole host of frightening side effects. In fact, years back the FDA mandated labeling requiring anti-depressant manufactures to include a warning that these drugs increase suicide risk (which is one of the things they are supposed to prevent).

The true cause of depression from a biochemical and lifestyle perspective is due to toxicity or deficiency at the cellular level. Common toxicity problems associated with depression include heavy metals like mercury, lead, aluminum, etc. that accumulate in the fatty tissue of the brain and create massive free radical damage and inflammation that alters neurological function. Viruses and environmental toxins are common inflammatory agents in the brain as well.

Another common toxin that causes massive inflammatory conditions in the brain is certain food intolerances. The most common food allergens to avoid include gluten containing grains such as wheat, barley, rye, oats, kamut, & spelt. Soy products, different nuts, eggs, and heavy proteins are often not tolerated well. Obviously all processed and man-made foods need to be avoided at all costs. Other common allergens include those of the nightshade family such as eggplant, tomatoes, & onions.

An anti-inflammatory diet and lifestyle are critical for full recovery from these conditions. Anti-inflammatory foods help to modulate the immune system and give it a more accurate pair of eyes so as to not over-inflame when stimulated. To effectively de-inflame it is key to completely avoid man-made foods, sugars, and food allergens as listed above. The long chain omega 3 fatty acids EPA and DHA not only are critical for healthy brain function, but also powerfully de-inflame the body by restoring natural balance to the lipid wall of the cell membrane.

Healthy movement patterns produce proprioception (movement information) which is a critical essential for healthy brain enhancing and mood regulating patterns. Boosting proprioceptive input through maintaining healthy spinal function and exercise training has been shown to prevent and reverse depression. Regular chiropractic care and customized physical therapy exercises are critical lifestyle factors for maintaining healthy spinal function. A daily exercise regimen of a high-intensity burst and resistance training program that incorporates core stability and functional balance training enhances proprioceptive input into the brain and balances key hormones that play a role in weight regulation and muscle tone which are factors involved in mental health as well.

Other critical nutrients that are key for mood stabilization include Vitamin D, Folic acid, Pyridoxine (B6), Vitamin B12, Zinc, CoQ10, and trace minerals. Vitamin D levels should be between 60-100 ng/ml. Boost Vitamin D naturally with 20-60 minutes of healthy sunlight every day or 10,000-50,000 IU of emulsified vitamin D3 daily to get the levels where they should be. A raw, whole-food multi-vitamin that supplies ample amounts of folic acid (400 mcg), B6 (4mg), B12(100 mcg), Zinc (15 mg), trace minerals, & CoQ10 (500 mcg) should be consumed daily.


"
This is pretty cool too



Study: Diet May Help ADHD Kids More Than Drugs
"We have got good news — that food is the main cause of ADHD,"

NaturalNews a huge news source, good to see this out in the public. :3

 

[EasySkanking]

Hey Escape, it's good to see that you're willing to keep fighting. Like Despair said, you are an intelligent and brave girl... you'll get there some day. It's not an easy battle, but things do get better, and I have hope that someday things do become what you have always wanted them to.

The battle is tough, but remember what it is that you are fighting for - complete happiness and fulfillment (something that most people do not accomplish in their lifetime) that only 2% of people get. You aren't fighting for something that's "easy" at all - so don't expect an easy battle, but do expect to bask in the many riches when you do get it .

I wish I was you Sabrina (I think that is the ultimate compliment anyone can pay to someone else), because you are intelligent, generous, brave and beaaaaauutiful (yeah I'm a fool for beauty and my intensity just escaped there for a bit, but whatcha' gonna do? ).

Keep your head up girl! (or try to, I know it's hard )

 

[EscapeArtist]

Despair Deus and Skankin <3 thanks

Despair you are so encouraging. Any person is lucky to have you around. Thankyou

Deus thanks for reposting that, I absolutely love it. If we are living in our greatest fear already I suppose we don't have much else to fear... I think we will both make it through. I sense that you are really strong and persistent, you won't give up on yourself, and really positive . Thanks for sharing your thoughts

Skankin, I love your intensity! That is indeed a huge compliment, thanks. Although I think you may be better off as you You are far braver than I! Definitely. A huge motivator and inspiration you are! To everybody on here


Optimism?
I realize that this journal is a way to get my social energy out. I am not sure if this is beneficial to social isolation, because it gives me an output and thus does not leave me to yearn for better. But, it is good that I have social energy, and it does build this up, which is positive.

Speaking to my mother today, we were talking about what an optimist is. She said, an optimist is somebody who knows that life is **** and depressing and is forced to see things positively even though they know that life sucks. She said that her life sucked. I voiced that you have to have downs to have ups, with loss you must have had something special, yadda. You have to have ups and downs to live, if you don't you are not living at all. She went on to tell me, hey, leave those barriers up because people WILL hurt you like they hurt me. You might see through rose coloured glasses now, but you wait and see you will think like me when you're 48. It's good to avoid downs because then you get hurt. Basically, in life bad things happen and you get hurt, so the less you live, the better. And positivity is, in her view, a defense mechanism against the very negative view that she finds it difficult to live with.

It sure has given me a lot of depth into my mother's character. After a while she began to get defensive as I tried to tell her that she had a lot of special things in her life to feel so bad as to lose them, and that she has a lot of opportunities now that she has empty spaces to fill. I wish she didn't think life was a suffering, but as the balance goes, perhaps there will be relief for her as there is less of it, and that's how the positivity will regain it's equality. It always does

In my opinion optimism is about seeing both the good and bad, and seeing them intertwine in a peaceful and conclusive manner. Sometimes I watch nature shows on television, sometimes there comes that scene where wild cats are eating big chunks out of living animals that have given up. My mother says " This is horrible! How can you watch this, shut it off! You enjoy this don't you, you enjoy this pain of a living thing! I'll remember that...". The zebra dies, the way nature intended, and it lives through the organic energy of the big cat that feasts happily and gratefully. From it, the herd of zebras grows almost supernaturally stronger by the lions picking out tiny flaws in the group from taking down those who make tiny mistakes. It prevents these future mistakes that lead to getting eaten from the future generations of the herd.

Positivity vs. Negativity, opinions?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN86d0CdgHQ&feature=related

 

[kihira]

From A Basic Buddhism Guide: 5 Minute Introduction

"• What is the First Noble Truth?

The first truth is that life is suffering i.e., life includes pain, getting old, disease, and ultimately death. We also endure psychological suffering like loneliness frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. This is an irrefutable fact that cannot be denied. It is realistic rather than pessimistic because pessimism is expecting things to be bad. lnstead, Buddhism explains how suffering can be avoided and how we can be truly happy."

Accepting that suffering is part of life then allows us to balance it with optimism and to seek out the beauty in the world. Maybe?

Edit: haven't heard song that for years, 10/10

 

[BlackPuma]

I strongly disagree with your mother's point of view about living. To put it in a metaphor;
I'd rather arrive at the natural flower gardens dehydrated, hungry, black and blue and tired, then I would to look at a photo of it, safe and unharmed.

I also never understand why most people get creeped out by that particular scene about carnivores devouring their prey. We do it in civilized life all the time, even vegans do. We all consume other once living things to survive (whether it's animals or plants). I think people get creeped out because they compare that scene to their modern luxuries. Forgetting that both the zebra and the big cat live in horrible conditions compared to us, (yet are perfectly content there, may I add) and do exactly what we do to stay alive; Using the resources available to them.

Well, sure, the scene has considerably more blood in it, but in theory it's exactly the same. I think it's a little disrespectful that she thinks of you as someone sadistic just because she can't look at the situation in the right context.

I don't strongly believe in religion nor science. Both of them get it wrong all the time, and have a strong tendency of benefiting one group of people and harming the next (unaware or otherwise). I do however believe strongly in chaos and the balance in it.

So to answer your question; Positivity -AND- negativity. ;3

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I'd rather arrive at the natural flower gardens dehydrated, hungry, black and blue and tired, then I would to look at a photo of it, safe and unharmed.

I like your metaphor. I just wish I put it into practice more often.

 

[EscapeArtist]

So agree Puma! Well said, well said.

Phocas, thank you for sharing that! I was wanting to get into Buddhism and now i'm even more inspired. Unfortunately I don't think my mother manipulates that Buddhist teaching..

Day 1
Erm well yes, today was first day of program. I have a lot of little thoughts to share and not many big ones, as usual.

First of all I am very happy to have a place to go for practically the entire day. I get home 4 and then get time to myself that I can actually breathe in and appreciate. That is a wonderful thing, I love feeling like I DID something today and then having limited time to relax.... I love being on a schedule that only I hold myself responsible to.

I was driven by my youth worker, woke up at 7am (early for me!! yay) and went to the program. First thing I realized walking in the door is that this group of people was YOUNG... A good 10 years younger than I was expecting. I was about the average age. So, a group of teenagers it seemed to be. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages to this. I do notice a change in how one views the world which is affected by age-related experience (usually!). I felt less intimidated by young people because I knew that they would not notice me (not actually a good thing, although relieving.) Especially because they all seemed to know each other a fair bit... And if they didn't, they sure acted like it. Second thing, it seemed quite small, like a tiny high school class. I thought It would feel like one overpopulated small group, but it feels quite small and surprisingly comfortable.

The beginning, went well. I felt confident, sure, and as the presentation of what the class was about went on I felt like I really belonged there. It seemed geared towards people with anxiety, who want it conquered, no experience and need jobs. I didn't realize how long a 6.5 hour class would seem going from 0 time in a social atmosphere to 6.5, so, slowly as the time passed while we were signing and filling out the initial sheets, I could feel myself grow restless and a bit cranky... I have learned today that I am definitely not used to being around people for more than an hour at a time.

After the initial presentation, filling out forms, next thing I realized was that there was to be a lot of presentation and "fun" in this class. It is very informal compared to work, like an alternate schooling program. So later in the day, each thing that we filled out eventually was "presented" either alone (at our seats, thank god) or in a group. Yes, GROUP... There were two worksheets that we had to fill out in groups of 3.

Because I was on the ball for lifestyle factors over the last 3 days before the program my anxiety level was medium-low. And so, I really did try to get some conversation into the group of 3. I got one small laugh, which is huge for me. Good communication on the first worksheet. Then during the second worksheet my 2 partners became absorbed in inside jokes. They apparently knew each other... My attempts to speak became awkward and the back of the person that was I was next to greeted me as she gradually turned to face the 3rd person. I eventually sank into my seat and just let them do the assignment (it was an assignment for 'fun', not marks, thankfully)

Hmm, not much else to share. Is it okay to admit that I was slightly disappointed by how all of the people in the group seem to have similar interests and a way of seeing that I don't share? I did feel like I was in an alien world in comparison to being alone... Another big re-realization to re-acknowledge. Also, man, I am NOT witty. I want to be, but this is the one thing that intimidates me almost as much as physical touch, and that thing is HUMOR. I just don't seem to know how to translate it if it's there, and in a social situation when my focus is elsewhere it is not usually there! I am hoping that the amount of "fun" activities (example, writing 2 true facts and 1 false anonymously and guessing which is false and whose it is) will die down now that the 1st day is over.... Then again, as Deus pointed out in his entries, it's something that has to be learned through sharing the presence of others.

The, teacher, I'll call her, is extremely warm and accepting. Couldn't have asked for a better one. Not really a 'teacher' but program.. runner.. yadda. She definitely makes me feel welcome, even though her pretty sly and smart humor does intimidate me. I was the last one in "class" and when she asked me how the first day went I actually spoke around 2 sentences instead of passing it off with a "good", which was huge for me actually...

I can see how this will be an intense transition. When I was in school in December I was going every 2nd day, it was absolutely perfect to have 1 day of social rest in between each day. I was also only attending half days. Now, 10am-4pm, 5 days a week.... I have that feeling of panic over the time that seems to be running out for me to be alone. Tomorrow I will be in a group for the majority of the day again. That's not to say that this is a bad thing. Having, what feels like 'too much', of something to do is way better than having NOTHING to do. I just will miss the feeling of freedom that comes with having unlimited self time. But, I will gladly let that go, even if I never feel 100% comfortable I will eventually adapt alright.




Yikes, and Puma thinks HIS post was lengthy....
Speaking of Puma, his face kind of reminds me of
http://youtu.be/TcIYyIbpMt4
That guy