Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

Puma :3
D'aw. I would totally hang out with you as well. As I said I find you utterly awesome in your every approach to everything. That isn't flattery

Wow you're the last person I would call lazy. You're super productive
"On top of that, some people tend to refer back to old stereotypes from the past rather then looking at your current character "
I can see how this may play a part largely. The positive person that begins to emerge from within a fragile newly constructed base every so often is normally misunderstood. I really like that... It's not something I noticed

Parents tend to do that in a more extreme manner, not only do they correlate you with your past self but they correlate you with THEIR past self, and their past experiences... As anybody would, but amplified. My mother relates me both to her past self and her ex-husband (aka father), which she only has deep negative feelings for. So yeah..

Thanks Puma for all of your kind words and encouragement. It's amazing how much online contact like such helps. I think that's what gets me through

 

[Feathers]

Hey honey,

You are really very awesome and it's difficult that you don't see it!! (But then again I know how easy it can get so you don't think like that!)

Puma, great thoughts again!!
My parents - especially dad - have had a whole different 'film' in their heads about me!!

As for the whole 'telling people about it' - I think it can work.
A friend who I met at the dorm told me at one of the first encounters 'I'm very shy' and that's how she got a friend for life - because I was shy too (though she didn't believe it). (Okay, and because she was/is awesome too.. ) Usually I liked people better if/when they said they were shy cause I could relate to them better!!

Also, at a non-profit workshop, one guy stepped up first in front of a whole room (of other people working in non-profits) and said, 'Hi, I'm ______. I have Social Phobia and I'm working to combat it, so I'll go first.' Or something like that. I thought that was really very BRAVE and he immediately won me over too!!

So, people may take a look, but a lot may be sympathetic. And those who aren't? Pfft!
You might wanna be careful in which circumstances you say it though - if the other person looks like they're shy, nice & supportive, they may accept it easier and be more supportive about it and even admire you for being so brave & saying it!

(If someone looks very sociable/outgoing/judgemental/hypercritical 'Barbie/Ken type', I'm thinking of people in high school now, the popular crowd or such maybe, I'd probably be careful about saying anything like that to anyone who might use it against me though...)
Or you could also say it without these actual words, just say things like 'nervous about xyz' etc. Or, 'It's my first time here/volunteering/doing something like this so I'm a bit nervous about it.'

What I mean is, some people do need to earn your trust or such. Volunteer groups can be very different: very supportive or just usual different people, it depends what they do and where too... I mostly had good experiences, some people said that some people who volunteer can be 'all sorts' tho.. (Especially if it's an international program/camp that gets trated more like 'vacation')

About RSVP and e-mail addresses - did you only tell it to her by voice, or does she have the right address written down (in e-mail or text)? I went through that once, someone was trying to send me an e-mail, but they heard it wrong, even though I told it a few times on phone: when I texted the e-address (although it seemed like a 'no-brainer' to me) they got it right and I got the e-mail.
Some people also have e-mail phobia or great dislike of e-mail/internet. Though it would be good if she tells you that then.

You might also wanna talk about this: that you'd prefer to confirm by e-mail and if it would be okay with her, and ask about what happened - she's there for you, no?
Or maybe you can get another social worker? (If she does something like this a few times, or a few other things like not follow through maybe they can legitimately send you someone you can click with better?) Have things documented and find out who you could maybe talk to about this, if you couldn't work things out with her?

 

[Feathers]

Escape, I think you're gonna REALLY like these links:

Wheat and Schizophrenia | Psychology Today

At least one psychiatrist actively researching these things! Whoa! Way cool!!
Evolutionary Psychiatry

Evolutionary Psychiatry | Psychology Today

Gives me hope!! I wonder when this will all become more mainstream, hm? Or at least general knowledge of people involved with health care and mental health care?

 

[EscapeArtist]

Awesome!! I got into the program!

6 month program, 2 months of intense work-experience-training (9am-3pm) and a 4 month paid internship leading into a job. Entire course you are paid 8 dollars an hour. You receive all needed certificates (first aid, food safe, etc) practice interviews, field trips to possible job sites, ETC. You must have some kind of "barrier" that is preventing you from getting work to get in. I used social anxiety, also have no work experience.

The program is in a group of 10 people. That intimidates me a bit, seeing I had to be interviewed like twice and they asked me both times how I would handle that. I had to say that I would be fine to get in so hopefully I will be!!

If you miss even one day they kick you out. Good practice for me.

Starts in 2 weeks:April 18th

Wish me luck!! I hear this program is super intense. I also heard that it is very hard to get into because a lot of people apply and not many get in. How odd that I got in! So cool.

 

[kihira]

Well done!

 

[DespairSoul]

Escape

Awesome yes!!! You are "super brave" for doing that! Congratulations to for moving so much forward is amazing see is working for u out! U definitely deserve it girlie
Is working on good system which will move u forward. Not coming kicking out is great for "social phobics"
only those pressure don't let u quit. I hope u will doing well and feel the most comfortable in new location and with new people around you.

 

[EasySkanking]

So glad to hear Escape Best of luck

 

[BlackPuma]

I don't think it's odd that you got in at all, you're a go-getter.

I'm really proud of you right now. :3

 

[vj288]

This thread is such a breath of fresh air. It's nice to read over the past couple of weeks and see how much you've improved, good job . And congrats on getting into the program, it sounds like you deserve it and will be really great for you .

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks Phocas, Despair, ES, Puma, VJ!

That's all very sweet :3

I'm a bit surprised that this journal shows any improvement VJ, especially over the last few weeks! I've been feeling like I was going backwards until today. Maybe it was the climb out of that, that was visible from this journal.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Wow, good luck awesome! This will be the best thing for you... this is great. It's not odd you got in at all. You are gonna rock it. I can ensure you will grow as a person tons and help others as you do.

 

[EasySkanking]

^What he said

 

[EscapeArtist]

The awkward trip to the grocery store.

Is an every-3-day-trip.

The Bus Stop
Everything organized in pocket for quick access as to not cause awkward stalls, bus change, ipod, 100 dollar bill....

Stand by traffic, wince at the loud noices of said traffic... (Noise REALLY ****s with my stress level, even loud TV. I have to listen to TV on a very quiet setting.)
Keep recounting bus change to try and look busy.
The bus is coming! Everybody in the bus is probably watching at this moment. Try to look normal.
Bus comes to a halt and as eyes try to look "normal" by resting, darting to new ground, resting.
Board bus. Bus driver speaks an automatic, loud and abrupt "Hello". Follow with an all-too-quick reply of the exact tone of "hello" that said bus driver used.
Try not to make eye-contact while walking to get a seat, try not to fall as bus starts again, try not to slap anybody in the face.
Sit in seat, ahh comfort zone. (If you ride busses as often as I do). Assume people are looking and making judgments, depending on what the anxiety level of the day is.
Eventually sink from the existence of other people and stare out of the window...
Bus comes to correct stop, pull line, back into existence of people. Get off bus, try to "look natural" as the bus drives away, assuming everybody once again is watching from inside said bus.

The Town
Guy asks you what the date is in the parking lot
Unexpected. Panic! Manage to keep your cool. Make "umm"ing noise... You know this
"August 4th"
Guy walks away
Oblivious. But then the horrible truth hits that it is indeed not August 4th! Blimey!
Physically pretend-hit yourself on the head, start muttering April April April! Oops, look around to make sure nobody is walking behind.
Realize it's really not a big deal. Even if crazy, then crazy. Laugh, smile, take joy from giving somebody a chuckle if said chuckle does occur.
Re-realizing the unimportance of your embarrassment in other people's lives, feel a little more comfortable in outside world than normal.

The Grocery Store
Grab a basket. Make sure that guy you 'lied' to isn't behind you. Walk into grocery store.
Buy tons of leafy greens, and as much fruit and vegetable as you can carry.
Feel like the only one supporting the cash-flow for certain unusual produce that you don't know the name of.
Imagine workers thinking "There is that (insert weird fruit or vegetable) girl that is always shoveling massive amounts of those (weird fruits or vegetables)."

Stand in line for cash register... Watch as other people in line, even sometimes the lady at customer service, stares at giant load of colourful produce. Watch as sometimes, other people in line shift around their icecream, bacon, or other, that sits on same belt, seemingly offended... giving quick, neutral glances back from the belt to you. Irrational thought: neutral commonly means negative

Time to pay!
Cashier comments on the amount of produce. Sometimes asks for the name of things he/she doesn't know the name of
If talkative cashier, please hold for either a lovely light and impersonal social conversation, or an awkward disaster, depending on anxiety level of the day.
Awkward mess today. Repeat whatever cashier says back to you. "Wow a lot of healthy choices here." "Yes, a lot of healthy choices." "It's going to be heavy" "Yes, it's going to be heavy"
Use pre-school simple english in between long pauses after each word...
Laugh after every single thing said for no reason at all. Smile too big all the while, as to not look neutral. Irrational thought: neutral = negative.
Hand over 100 dollar bill. Be afraid that a comment will arise from said large bill

Back to bus stop.
Mono tone quiet "Hello" To bus driver.
Try not to fall over while getting on bus with huge heavy bags.
Receive stares.
Try desperately to put colour into the language of your "Thank you" by trying to widen your pitch. Mono tone anyways
Try not to fall over again while exiting the bus...
Get away from busy street onto quiet street,
Ah, comfort zone again!

Wait 3 days, repeat.

' How to make lemon-aid. '

 

[kihira]

^ this is a delightful read and has made my day and brightened a doleful week. As an occasional bus catcher and a regular fruit & veg buyer I can relate to much of this. I'm also usless with dates and will get the year wrong now and then. LOL! in Caps!

 

[hoddesdon]

I think it might help if you read these:


http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/one-simple-thing-that-changed-my-life-17132/

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/external-focus-17258/

Do you think you can connect what the threads say to what you have written?

 

[EasySkanking]

F**k yeah!

Good for you Escape ... doing this will only improve your social anxiety situation... I remember being like this... I haven't realized or thought that I don't do a lot of the things that you mentioned...

Anyway, why am I so happy that you're going through this? Because that's the 'way out' - 'acting'/doing the things you are afraid of... things get better and your comfort grows. So keep at it girl, knowing that doing so will help you become more comfortable with that situation and improve your social anxiety situation . Trust me, I know , you trust me right?

Good luck Escape and don't give up!!

<3

 

[BlackPuma]

That was a great read, EA! I actually chuckled at the ''August 4'' part. Though, not at you, of course. But because I've shamelessly (well, initially-shameless, afterwards I was quite ashamed) told a customer that the date was ''March 37'' as well.

But it's quite good that you persist a healthy diet regardless of looks you get. Whom are they to stare anyway? It's quite bend when people start judging others for taking proper care of themselves.

But really, that was a nice read. Quirk-illy funny, and very relatable. Heck, regardless of changes I've made, even I am very anxious in the super market. So I think you're very brave for doing it at least twice a week. Keep at it, you know you're doing good regardless of how it might feel at the time. :3

 

[ashoz13]

hjklhjklhklhjkl

i love this. its verry inspiring.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I'm glad somebody enjoyed that. Honestly I never expect anybody to reply to my journal entries but then when somebody does it makes my day a lot brighter! Not so invisible after all I guess

Thanks easy haha yes I made it all sound very challenging! Really it's just stepping out of the door that is so challenging. These little things aren't at the forefront of my mind usually, I have these thoughts at the back of my mind but they don't really affect me all that much. They don't have control over me or anything anymore, well, except before stepping out of the door.

i love this. its verry inspiring.

Lol!



I'm posting here a lot more frequently because now that I know I'm beginning a program that will have me out of the house half the day 5 days a week, I am no longer pressuring myself to 'not be on the computer' or to 'not be in the house'. I know it should probably work the other way, I should be practicing going out of the house before the program begins, and I think I will do that a week before. But, gosh, only now do I realize that the real problem is the voice in my head that says "you are a loser and your whole family thinks so for being in your room on the computer all day!". Now I feel like I'll be going somewhere soon and there's no reason to kick myself... And I'm going to revel in that for a week and just let my brain breathe and go with the flow of what I feel :3 Aaahh!!

I've been wondering how to get back to that calm peaceful state of mind and I realize that the last time I was in it, I was open to all sorts of possibilities and I was not afraid of change. I wasn't self-sabotaging. This was before school started! Same thing. It's feeling like you're doing something.

Anyway so I'm going to be posting a HELL of a lot on here for the next week probably because I'm out of a cycle, which allows me to not judge myself for posting so much, and I'm also feeling pretty good, which allows me to have social energy and nowhere to put it!

You don't have to reply to all of my posts by the way! Unless you want to of course :3

Anyway. I was sitting here playing guitar when I suddenly was hit by one of those pangs for nature and the life I want with it... I am re-thinking the plan that I have for the next year. I am going to do this job program (6 months), and after that I thought I'd go to school finish my last year, WHILE working... Which seems like a lot but I will have to feed myself. Then this 'live every day like it's your last' thing comes into my head at the same time as these pangs for living with nature. And now I'm wondering whether I wouldn't rather use the money to do the eco village thing that I dropped out this year to do in the first place.

Next year : Normal highschool grade 12 + working + continued exposure to depressing home atmosphere...
or
Eco-village exploring aka crucial life and social education, then night school

In the end I'm not the kind of person that can plan ahead in any way. So I'll just see how things go and make the decision when the time comes. Different circumstances will have me lean towards different options, both of those options require a particular state of mind at the time and who knows what state of mind I'll be in. I like knowing that the option that I really know I would rather do is there, but you can never guess what will happen even in the next month. I will work on my state of mind over the next 6 months and see if it takes me to the option I desire at the moment.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I typed out a whole post but it seemed too complainy so I deleted it

Summary: Self sabotaged with food again. Last time I did this with intolerance food made my brain numb and swollen for 3 days and I ended up hallucinating and getting a panic attack. (mirror reflection talked to me and face disfigured) along with the 4 day depression and cold, dark perception everything takes on.. Thus, I am terrified to wake up tomorrow and have the same visual distortions. Very afraid. Did this because I was depressed that I had energy and was feeling good, but had nobody to share it with. So I took it away from myself. Dumb move. So yes...Scared

Mother used to have similar symptoms of gluten intolerance. Hallucinations, suicidal, and "multi personality disorder" that her doctor wanted to write a book about her for. Went away after taking it out of diet. Comes back for her too when she messes up. Genetic. Yay me.