Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

I think I am currently blind to it Puma. So thanks for noticing <3!

I get my pay cheque tomorrow. What to do with the money?? Around $420, at least 200 for food for next 3 weeks, so 220 left over.

I have a new plan for the future. Every time I ask myself "If this was the last day of my life, what would I regret" it's the exact same answer. The damn eco village !!

I found an eco village that is perfect. This time I have 0 doubt that this is the place I must go to. 0! This eco village is ALL about accepting people for who they are and creating a non judgmental atmosphere. It is all about being peaceful and living as just ourselves, it is actually ABOUT finding that safe place to be. The location is beautiful, and they are very spiritual (naturey spiritual). They believe we need a change in how we live, a revolution, and they even offer teachings of how to be that leader who leads it. They are about personal and planetary transformation.

There is no way to know whether this place is as good as I think it is except to go there. But I feel like my very soul is being drawn to this place. I have been searching for a location that calls to me and that feels 'right' immediately upon seeing the name, and this one is it!

It's a big deal. I'm looking to a place that won't obstruct my growth and that I will feel inspired by. Where people really listen and accept each other. I think I am looking to rediscover the "id" side of myself that has been lost, the child that is afraid to enjoy life. There is know way of knowing, again, whether I'll even enjoy the experience, but something tells me i'm going to spend a lot of my life in these places...

Of course, I'm not setting a date, I'll take it step by step, I'll spend at least a few months in this new job I'll have soon just to raise the funding, maybe if the job itself offers me a place to grow and be inspired I will put the whole thing off! Who knows.

Right now, I'm wanting to go in August. That is when one of their leadership workshops begins. Then I'll have a month of summer and from there I can decide whether I'll go back to school next year or stay....

This will mean that I will maybe be cutting the 14 week internship short by 4 weeks.

Also this gives me 3 months to learn things such as conversation skills, and to stave away the anxiety...

Nothing is planned, taking it all step by step and doing things when I feel it is right

 

[kihira]

I like the eco village idea, browsed a site and the idea is very similar to what people get up to here in a less organised way.

 

[EscapeArtist]

What the hell did I do wrong? Sorry, I really need to rant.

I had a really good day at class! And then I get into my mom's car for the ride home and receive an emotional beating basically. I just don't understand!

The whole issue came up because the money I earned (the first money I have ever earned, so it is actually pretty special to me) was by mistake transferred to HER account instead of mine. So she let me know that she already used 30 dollars of it by accident (I don't know if that's a lie or not, she's a compulsive shopper). So I said okay, that's alright.
We were supposed to go to the market, I was only going for quality time, really. But she said she had 'not a penny to her name' so she needed to borrow another 20 dollars from me. Because that would be 50 dollars, and because in the past she usually takes around 3 months to pay me back, I realized this would probably mean I wouldn't be able to buy food 3 weeks from now so I had to say no. Then she started calling me an unreliable ******* and saying she might as well go ****ing hang herself. It didn't make any sense because this whole thing was about how I wouldn't lend her 20 dollars to shop so that she can feel better about being broke, EVEN THOUGH she's getting money from my grandmother TOMORROW.

Why couldn't she just come with me to the store as planned and not buy anything, we could have a nice time? Reply: Because I can't go into the store and not buy anything! And I want to feel better

Anyways I went to the store alone with her card after she continued to call me names as I left the car to take the bus.

Now of course she's saying that she doesn't even have to give me my money, it's in HER account and she was being nice to even tell me it was put into her account. "Maybe I'll take the 80 dollars from you from the money that I used to buy you food". "I'm not doing anything again for you ever. I can never trust you again".

... I know it shouldn't get to me but she's literally FOLLOWING me around the house loudly accusing me in my face, and I mean this started 2 hours ago! I was having a REALLY nice day too and was in a really good mood before all of this :/ all well.

Well today I faced a few fears and actually called somebody back about an internship and booked an interview, I hung out with a friend last evening and it went really well! Overall I felt really comfortable in class today and actually added myself to a conversation that the group was having during lunch. It was a good day!

On the mom subject
Apparently she also was reasonlessly angry at my sister, she went into her room and started throwing all of her stuff, she called my grandma and got her to take my sister out of her will? She even pushed her around and pinched her. Sister didn't even DO anything. I think she might still be mad about mothers day? We took her to a restaurant and she was so angry that it was a 30 mins drive, and that "there is a BETTER greek restaurant up the street, don't you know that I don't like this one?" that she accused us of not caring about her and walked out without eating.

I think I have to get out of this atmosphere.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Sorry, EA, I can't recall, but has your mom ever gotten diagnosed or had an exam? She has bipolar written all over her. Comes from experience.

And, you definitely have to get out of that atmosphere.

 

[v_coccotti]

What the hell did I do wrong? Sorry, I really need to rant.

I had a really good day at class! And then I get into my mom's car for the ride home and receive an emotional beating basically. I just don't understand!

The whole issue came up because the money I earned (the first money I have ever earned, so it is actually pretty special to me) was by mistake transferred to HER account instead of mine. So she let me know that she already used 30 dollars of it by accident (I don't know if that's a lie or not, she's a compulsive shopper). So I said okay, that's alright.
We were supposed to go to the market, I was only going for quality time, really. But she said she had 'not a penny to her name' so she needed to borrow another 20 dollars from me. Because that would be 50 dollars, and because in the past she usually takes around 3 months to pay me back, I realized this would probably mean I wouldn't be able to buy food 3 weeks from now so I had to say no. Then she started calling me an unreliable ******* and saying she might as well go ****ing hang herself. It didn't make any sense because this whole thing was about how I wouldn't lend her 20 dollars to shop so that she can feel better about being broke, EVEN THOUGH she's getting money from my grandmother TOMORROW.

Why couldn't she just come with me to the store as planned and not buy anything, we could have a nice time? Reply: Because I can't go into the store and not buy anything! And I want to feel better

Anyways I went to the store alone with her card after she continued to call me names as I left the car to take the bus.

Now of course she's saying that she doesn't even have to give me my money, it's in HER account and she was being nice to even tell me it was put into her account. "Maybe I'll take the 80 dollars from you from the money that I used to buy you food". "I'm not doing anything again for you ever. I can never trust you again".

... I know it shouldn't get to me but she's literally FOLLOWING me around the house loudly accusing me in my face, and I mean this started 2 hours ago! I was having a REALLY nice day too and was in a really good mood before all of this :/ all well.

Well today I faced a few fears and actually called somebody back about an internship and booked an interview, I hung out with a friend last evening and it went really well! Overall I felt really comfortable in class today and actually added myself to a conversation that the group was having during lunch. It was a good day!

On the mom subject
Apparently she also was reasonlessly angry at my sister, she went into her room and started throwing all of her stuff, she called my grandma and got her to take my sister out of her will? She even pushed her around and pinched her. Sister didn't even DO anything. I think she might still be mad about mothers day? We took her to a restaurant and she was so angry that it was a 30 mins drive, and that "there is a BETTER greek restaurant up the street, don't you know that I don't like this one?" that she accused us of not caring about her and walked out without eating.

I think I have to get out of this atmosphere.

Sorry to hear about your situation. If your mum is always like that, you should try to confront her about it.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Sorry, EA, I can't recall, but has your mom ever gotten diagnosed or had an exam? She has bipolar written all over her. Comes from experience.

And, you definitely have to get out of that atmosphere.

Agree. Sorry about your mom and all that, but definitely nothing your fault or your sisters.

Glad you had a good day otherwise or class going good. It can only get better, even if some days don't seem as well. I see progress here. Keep it up! Gooood. =)

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks to the replies to my rather complainy rant. Sorry about that ..!

Today was a REALLY, REALLY difficult day for a social anxiety er.
Actually, these last few days have been
I've done a few things, I called a person on craigslist which was huge!!
And I've sent emails out to possible employers
And I also had to do a fake interview, videotaped, and then tomorrow we're going to watch them as a class...
Then I had to call back an employer that called me to set up an interview
And then today I had the REAL INTERVIEW!

At a gardening place! I don't want to name the exact location but it's a place that is removed from the town by a few blocks, it's a large garden and farm. I don't even know what I was applying for really, I had put down Farm Apprentice but it seems they thought I was better suited to do some garden work and then a little bit of farm work. (because I really want to do farm work for variety...) I was tense the entire time and really really stiff and nervous socially today, which, even though, didn't work in my favor, I think I got the job??? Maybe because it's a 14 week internship that the government pays for, and so the employer doesn't have to pay me for 14 weeks.

I find it hard to believe simply because I don't have a lot of experience, and honestly learning makes me nervous because I need very straight forward directions.... but hey, I LOVE the atmosphere of the place and there is nowhere else I'd want to work more. The only problem is that it seems like a very social job. The farm/garden is basically a small community of volunteers and a few workers. It's basically one big social atmosphere and I doubt picking weeds is going to offer enough distraction to prevent conversation. Of course this is a necessary challenge, and actually this whole job provides me the EXACT experience I'm going to need if I want to go to the eco village.

I don't have the exact information, I'm sure they'll call or email me about it. The whole interview was really awkward honestly. The tone of the interview from both sides was awkwardness. But there was a nice tour of the garden afterward.. The atmosphere does help my anxiety

Needless to say, I'm scared ****less, and I don't feel 'ready' for it. But, I guess the only way to be ready is to adjust to it when you're not.


Lastly, I still need a second job, because I was looking for fulltime and this is not a full time job. So I'm still on the search. And there is even more to come.

 

[kihira]

This is terrific, well done . I can see you getting big personal step-ups from this - it will seem difficult at first, no one ever feels ready for it, but I guarantee that as you tackle each day you will build inside you all that you need to cope and do well. You have permission to be a complainy-rantpants here as much as you need to if it helps you to get through this

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello EA=)

Wow,wow and one more time wow IN your live is so much change and i see u are doing much better! I think u can accomplish a lot of things which u even never was imagining u can hun! It's amazing see how u fight and how u are well doing! Continue in progress is worth it for all of happiness which deserve and also for your change in live for which u are longing..no one said will be easy Good luck and take care! DS and PS: U are very brave!!!!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks !!
Sorry I haven't been on a lot to comment back on things. I find class takes all social energy out of me


The teacher was giving 'constructive criticism' today, and let me tell you I do NOT know how to deal with that kind of thing yet. Although, today was good practice. She said that I had a sad vibe all the time and I looked really depressed all the time, and she said 'what's with the hair', as if something was obvious about it (so, I don't really 'upkeep, I'd rather pull out of bed and go as is....). Apparently not taking care of my hair makes me seem 'severely depressed'.

I understand that she was trying to give me the same view and employer would use, but sometimes that's not a way to build people up... My hair is actually one of the reasons I stopped going out, I thought it always looked horrible, so I decided to challenge that by going out with messy hair and not caring.

Anyway, I let that get to me a bit for the first few hours of class, eventually I was able to shrug it off and actually see it as helpful information. I can use it to my advantage, and plus people aren't discarding me becuase of these apparently 'obvious' faults.. So that says a lot of good, and actually opened my eyes a little bit.

It did create more awareness about whether or not I look 'quiet' and thus 'sad', and whether my hair looks bad. It's going to be difficult to get out of the house tomorrow.

I have to address a few issues that I need some help with... If anybody out there is reading this. I have recently realized that I have been turning to drugs (although not very dangerous ones) and even alcohol at times because I'm unable to relax with all of this pressure. Basically just kratom and more and more occasionally alcohol. I just ran out of kratom (mild opiate) but I had been using it every 2nd day, only because tolerances build so much with it that you can't use it every day. Even every 2nd day, effects were lost.

Honestly this whole program has worsened my depression. I feel even more inadequate than I thought I was in social groups. I didn't fully realize what I was signing myself up for here. I thought I was just going to get a job, nothing else mattered, but there is so much involved that I had forgotten about when rejoining the outside world. When I think I'm doing OKAY socially, people are still telling me I never say anything. I guess they don't know how quiet I used to be. I feel like what's expected of me is too much. I think this program has simply awakened the 'drunk monkey' that calls me things in my head, guess I really need to learn to deal with negative self talk IN a social atmosphere. Maybe in this respect, this is where I have to be.

At the same time, this friend I made, I find that I just don't have the social energy to keep up with him (he's really hyperactive) but I'm afraid to tell him that I am just out of energy when he wants to hang out. I'm going to have to work on confronting people...
Overall, I'm completely stressed out and tired and miserable. And it's becoming a habit to have something before I go to class. Just to escape SOMEHOW... Just thought I'd throw that out there. But I do want to mention that all of the challenges I overcame with phone calls to employers and those other things weren't done while intoxicated in any way. Probably not even as serious as an issue as I see it as, but I never expected to continue to hide. It's completely stunting my growth.

Sorry for being so negative, everybody!!..

 

[kihira]

Big *hug*. You're doing well, messy hair and all. Even though its hard, you are moving forward; more good than harm will come from it all :]

Edit: I dont think you are being negative, you are just saying how things are, looking at it from different angles and seeing some positives and possibilities - that's healthy thinking; a problem shared is a problem halved. Only seeing one side of the coin - negative or positive - is not right.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thankyou my friend for your reassurance!

Just updating this quickly..
I start 'work' at the organic garden/farm Thursday, 9:30 am - 5:00 pm. First day is in the garden. Second day, Sunday, is on the farm with other farm apprentices. Then Tuesday in the garden again.

This has me more stressed out than ever, and I find myself resorting to self sabotaging behaviours. But I'm going to try and pull through it early enough to regain energy to socialize and put up a good first impression.

Class ends in 1 week, and I am afraid of this. I am finally comfortable with these people and in this atmosphere, there are many people I respect in this class that I didn't get to know well. I'm going to miss it, honestly. I loved having a place to go all day, in a small group of such different and amazing people.

there is a lot of stress and fear.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Okay so tomorrow is my first day of work, it will be in the garden I think, and I am scared! So so so scared. Simply because, the person that interviewed me I was not comfortable around. Those kinds of people that just seem a bit 'off'. I found both her and the second person that interviewed me to be really intimidating! Probably becuase I expect people to be overly smiley and relaxed and kind..


There are some things I'm concerned about, like, what if they expect me to have more experience because I said I had SOME gardening experience. What if they don't give me direct tasks and instructions. What if, all day it's a social atmosphere? What if, I am REALLY unprepared to do physical work for 8 hours! What if they think I'm fat and ugly? What if I turn into a child socially, saying things quietly and looking at the ground...

Anyways I am freaking out a bit, but at the same time I know that I'll be alright and 2. They can't fire you for being shy, right??


I also want to share that I AM A VERY UNACCEPTING PERSON!!! Yes, it's true!! I did no know this before. I have very high standards for people. The reason I did not realize this is because I did not see how accepting other people were until I joined this program. In general, I take things too seriously. This I always knew, but I did not realize that I take seriously every sentence that people say in judgement of their character. I honestly had no idea I saw the world this way until I realized how lightly everybody takes things that are said compared to my entire family! So it's in me. I really hope to change this, in fact I believe I am doing so with each day simply by learning more and more about life by being OUT of the house!

Wish me luck people...... So scary............

 

[hoddesdon]

I also want to share that I AM A VERY UNACCEPTING PERSON!!! Yes, it's true!! I did no know this before. I have very high standards for people. The reason I did not realize this is because I did not see how accepting other people were until I joined this program. In general, I take things too seriously. This I always knew, but I did not realize that I take seriously every sentence that people say in judgement of their character. I honestly had no idea I saw the world this way until I realized how lightly everybody takes things that are said compared to my entire family! So it's in me. I really hope to change this, in fact I believe I am doing so with each day simply by learning more and more about life by being OUT of the house!QUOTE]

I think that is another worthwhile insight.

I think my family tended to over-dramatize things (drama queens?). Both parents were also really critical. I feel that I imbibed that, and it does contribute. Comments were made about my father that he thought things were worse than they really were, and I have been told that too. My mother certainly thought things were worse than they really were. So there is a lot of criticism, or adverse judgments, over trivia, and the assumption is that everyone else does the same.

 

[kihira]

Goodly luck! Report back ASAP. In my experience its often the people that seem unlikeable at first that become the ones you like the most - I haven't figured out why yet. The 'new one' is always unsure on their feet at first, people expect this and allow for it, so just go with the flow and dont overthink too much; it will all sort out with time. I once had a kitchen worker with obviously very little experience despite what she said, but it didn't matter - she worked hard and learnt well.

"What if they think I'm fat and ugly?" You ain't. But if they did you wouldn't know about it, people are mostly polite and don't say things like that directly (well, kids do; I can remember my dad having a face scarred from cancer surgery and a small kid said "you have a funny face"). So say to yourself "I am who I am who I am" and dont try to think what others may be thinking, but probably aren't

"What if I turn into a child socially, saying things quietly and looking at the ground..." this is a beautiful sentence, as I've said before, I love how you write.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Escape, I haven't been much on the site but I missed ya!!

WOW!! Great to read about your progress!! You've DONE some GREAT things girl!!! YAY GO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, in comparison to your mum and dad's frenzy, you seem pretty sane and are doing ADMIRABLE things!! I think you are much more 'grown up' than your parents actually... It sucks that you have to be the responsible one and can't depend on them for stuff, on the other hand you've learnt a lot from that too and I'm pretty sure almost EVERYONE will be nicer to you than your own parents!! (who apparently both need support programs themselves!!)

Make sure the money goes to your account. Double check with the people. As you said, they get government help for this, so it's a 'no loss' for them even if you *would* turn out as completely incompetent 'pillar of salt' (not doing anything but dozing into the distance). And at least you would have tried and I'm sure you're gonna give it your best!!

I know I'm pretty sucky at farm work and gardening too, but my dad still appreciates it!! And for example while I may be slower than my super-fast Aunt, I can do allright in a steep hill (making hay or such) which she always complained about.. So you'll probably find some unique ways where you are good and an asset, and in some ways other people may have more experience and may be faster.. Make sure to keep your eyes open for things you do and have done well too!!

Also, biking and being fit can help.. Maybe some stretching also.. (muscles can be sore from farm/garden work lol..) Exercise to be strong.. And massage.. And good footwear.. And observe how people who are doing things well and quick do it.. Ask if it's not clear to you (I've had difficulties with nonverbal learning and sometimes it helps if people explain it to me..) On the other hand, people do things differently too.. And maybe some people are a bit slower and more thorough etc.

Also, protect yourself from the sun. Seriously. It's probably not so bad in Canada, it's quite hot here though. I use a straw hat and long sleeves and long trousers (very light fabric that 'breathes' though, ideally)

Even if you totally suck (which I'm sure you won't!!), you are still learning life skills that can help you later!! (And if you ever have kids or educate others, you can pass on the knowledge!!) This is worth TONS!!

Also take breaks and drink water and have healthy snacks for when energy might be low.. somewhere in the shadow.. (I bring this with me, cause I can get tired/hungry more quickly than others.. On the other hand, it has been appreciated when I got hungry and tired and brought food for everyone then! 'finally someone remembered to do this', they said)

You are gorgeous and have really cute hair!! People just have different tastes I guess.. Maybe yours might be just a bit more 'artsy'/free-spirit style.. And it's different if you apply for an office or TV anchor or such!! To work in the field you don't need to be a super-diva!! (THAT would be funny, if you tried digging earth in high heels and super-painted fingernails etc!!)

About being 'sad' (mentioned in one of the previous posts) does this person know about your home situation?? You have every right to be 'sad' or whatever!! Also, not all people find that people need to be 'perky'!! (Some actually find that annoying, haha!!)

I think you'll do great if you just show the passion and committment!!
Endurance has a thing to say for itself too... (I may be slow but I'm stubborn hehe..) And just appearing 'busy' sometimes gives you 'bonus points' too hehe..

Working in the field is also great 'therapy' so even if you might be a bit more slow, you are rebuilding your lungs and it benefits your body etc!!

As for Mom and money situation, if you'll be earning a considerable amount and mum has been in financial troubles you may agree to pay part of the rent or utility bills etc. If she's bad with money it's probably better to not give money into her hands, but maybe pay a bill? I think it's appropriate if kids that earn money give something to contribute to the household costs.. It has to be an amount that is agreed upon in advance though.

There are some 'horror stories' online how kids gave all money to parents and then didn't have any themselves.. (and wanted to move away from home but felt that they couldn't, in such situation) My Grandma had a similar situation when she was young and was very resentful about it later.. So yeah, be careful with this... On the other hand, life with kids isn't cheap, so it's good if you contribute what you can.. Maybe make a budget how much you need to save for the food and the eco village etc?

YAY for your first paycheck, and may MANY more big ones follow!!

If mom wants money, she can get a job herself? It does sound like she might be 'borderline' or such? Check if there might be any programs or support groups available FOR HER?? (Maybe a group for divorced/single parents etc?)

Make some other plans with her, she sounds 'addicted to shopping' and TV!! Volunteering with her = GREAT idea!!! For the woman who gave you the great tips: maybe you could get in touch with her again, and bring a pen/cil and paper and write things down? (It's difficult to remember too many things for me too, yup..) I find that most people don't mind if I write things down (I would forget things otherwise too..) Maybe you could grab some tea/coffee with her or something? Or ask her for her contact number/e-mail at another volunteering opportunity?

Also check if there's something like a day center where you (or maybe mom too) could go and get support on days when you might not be working or might need some social contacts or support.. There may be support groups/talking about interesting topics too.. Some people also come to the day centers after work, to meet up with some friends there or so..

Eco village sounds a FAB idea, just make sure it's not too 'new agey' or 'guru/cult-oriented'
Find out how they are funded and what would be expected of you to contribute (with regard to time/work/money/etc)

Anyway, you GO girl, we're rooting for ya!!

 

[Feathers]

Be careful with any iffy things, yeah.. I had to google up kratom, haven't heard of it before... It seems herbal and possibly maybe better than some other things, but people report some side effects online too.. So it would be better to reduce or stop consumption yeah.. (especially if you'll be driving or doing any 'machinery' stuff at the farm etc)
Maybe you could try some nice relaxing herbal teas like maybe mint or melissa instead? Or maybe people at the organic farm could recommend something?

When you get the hang of it and get to know people there better, it will probably be muuch easier too!!
Your life is 'in transition' right now so some 'frenziness' is a bit 'normal'!! Hope things improve soon!!
And yeah nobody expects you to be super-social, just to do your part at work and be willing to learn!!

Just remember you are doing GREAT and living your dreams, partly - at least exploring it!! (No one said it was gonna be easy but heck, it's gonna be worth it!! )

 

[EscapeArtist]

Not to ignore all that you said but, excuse me, SPANISH FORK UTAH???
:O! SERIOUS. ooooooooooooo LUCKY GUY! I am seeping with envy!! And ambition!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thank you Feathers!! Oh so supportive Feathery friend

!

Sunscreen, advice I will be taking!
I'm glad you're on here more often woohooos

 

[EscapeArtist]

Wow my last post is old. I have a lot to update on.

Skills link class portion is over. This makes me sad. I was comfortable in that group and the group is no more. I think everybody from the group was miserable about that, we all became comfortable and we all had our own setbacks from getting a job or having a place. So, it was a shared effort and shared sadness for us all. But it taught me a LOT about public interaction and group interaction!

I have worked about 4 days now. In the garden, I basically weed, I cut the grass, plant some bushes and flowers and trim others. I had my first day working on the farm yesterday and it was a lot more intimidating than working on the garden because I was working with 4 other farm interns. At the same time, when skills link class ended I was hoping for another group atmosphere SOMEWHERE...

On the farm, I made rows for crops, planted crops, raked, harvested, bagged/prepared produce for market, etc. I started out completely quiet, for the first 2-3 hours I'd say, while working with this group. Eventually, slowly, I became a little wee bit more interactive. At the end of the day it was just me and this other guy who had an extra hour of work, and we had a very relaxed and nice conversation for a good hour while throwing away tomato plants. He confided in me in one disorder thingy that he had and said he hadn't told anybody there yet, and he's been working there for 5 months now. He's a social butterfly and party animal so I'm really surprised by that. He's VERY comfortable around all social atmospheres, which actually makes him really easy to talk to and really accepting/easy going. So I quite enjoy that

Had a few realizations, 1. I think I'm an extrovert with a low energy level. I was really socially and physically tired after 7 hours of farm work, but after talking to that dude for an hour I felt re-charged. Extrovert is when you get energy from talking to people, introvert is when you spend energy talking to people. I think what really happens is that my uncertainty eats the energy of my efforts when I speak to others, so that I am drained, but truly without the uncertainty I can possibly become an extrovert! Yay.

2. Not everybody is going to like you and you can't do anything about it. I kind of see what this means. My farm 'boss' seems to have something against me. Every time I was working he would say "You don't need to be making perfectly straight lines, this isn't damn geometry!" It might have been constructive criticism, but at lunch he also mentioned that eating as a group wasn't fun when you're 'irritated' and I was the only new person so... He also asked me a lot of questions at lunch but when I answered he would turn away his attention as soon as I gave him the answer he seemed to not want. Well, in general he just seemed tired, too... Anyways I don't mind this as much as I thought I would. I just see it as, okay if he doesn't like something in me, I must be resembling something he doesn't like in him that he hasn't accepted.

3. Take works less seriously...
Conversation is speaking your thoughts. You can't screen your thoughts, you're not bad for thinking anything, thoughts are simply chemical reactions..Yadda. Most other people seem to just know this if they have come to peace with themselves.

4. the more you FEAR the more you WANT
Remember that every one of your top values comes with a huge fear. If you really want tranquility you will certainly fear conflict. The more you want it the more you fear it, the more you fear it the more you want it. If you fear being rejected you must very much want acceptance. I for one learned that, more than anything I want friendships and relationships. I actually love people, underneath defences.. Some people on here claim to not want people, becuase they fear people so much. I don't know whether this is possible. Perhaps fear can be a measurement of wants when you don't know what you want.

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