Thanks Despair
<3
Today was my last time with the social worker, I also met the new social worker. I guess it's too easy to be critical when you're attached to somebody. I was kind of resentful towards the new social worker (I tried not to show it) simply because I guess I was angry the first one was leaving. I feel like me and her have this connection, kind of a similar way of thinking, similar style of comedy, actually we think a lot of the same things at the same time and usually it's scary. Saw the world through a similar lens. We're just on the same page, and she listened to me when nobody else would. She was also so positive and I so needed that... I could go out and do something with her anytime and come back in a good mood, just because in comparison to family, she was so non judgmental! And she actually ASKED about me... like every time we did anything. Which was crazy. And I mean, I was beginning to JOKE AROUND with her!! Crazy! Anybody will tell you that I have never done that with.. not more than a few people of the past. I kind of forgot humor even existed. Not to mention, same sense of humor = she actually laughed = made me feel like, hey, maybe I do have that humorous side of me that I am so self conscious about not having.
Maybe I'm being over-dramatic. It's not like we knew eachother that well, we just seemed to fit together well, she was really genuine. A real role model. Anyways. She said that she'd get together with me when she got back even if she wasn't my social worker
which is really nice of her. I bought her a pretty bouquet of these big orange flowers of some sort and she seemed really touched about it. I think she might have actually been sad to leave as well, I just got that kind of vibe behind her joking-sobs and such that she really meant it.
I think this loss really struck home because I desperately need a 'guidance' figure... A parent, or an older sister, which I both have but both don't want to be around me... My parents make me seem like something that gets in the way of their lives. Something that they will finally be rid of one day. A nuisance who does everything wrong. I heard from a friend of mine who read a book, that if one does not have a decent connection with the mother, or is neglected by the mother, they are not satisfied with any relationship until they re-create a mother-daughter relationship with another person. I think this is the case
I tend to have a hard time with ANYBODY leaving. Very sensitive. Let alone somebody I came to trust and who was soo so accepting. She even began to ask me for advice on some things. But I see this all as something that was really lovely to have rather than lost, which is a real improvement for me. Especially seeing that it came naturally to appreciate the new challenge of a new person.
I have to be honest, though. I got really nervous/afraid of this day, I am meeting a new person who is going to ask about personal issues of mine AND I'm losing somebody I trust. So I did take some kratom before I went, and I feel almost like I... faked the last day I even had to appreciate a positive person. I feel fake. Ah, well.... I learned.
So... my judgmentalness, simply is because there is some loss attached, and a kind of "you won't replace that person" feeling. But the new social worker seems like she's just not into it as much... She's from the town that I used to live in. I used to hate that town becuase everybody had the EXACT same "distant" and slightly "I'm worth more than your time" kind of feel... She doesn't have that as much as most of the people in that town but she had a hint of that to me :/ . She seemed less understanding and less enthusiastic... No offense... I mean, I hope once I get to know her more, or maybe on a more talkative day for her? then we'll get along better... But we seem different in attitude you know? I feel like she may be putting her own walls up. Although, she had kind eyes, she did ask some questions, but she seemed, as I said, to be distant. I kind of hated the whole idea of having somebody that takes you out to do things, but I stuck with the concept because the girl I got was so kind. So now I'm back to "meh". But, I ended up seeing this as the 'next level', a challenge. The old social worker became a comfort zone very quickly, this new one makes me feel very uncomfortable.. Especially because she doesn't seem to understand social anxiety (I have a group you could join, you could carpool out there... etc :/). So I will see it more as a challenge that I do need and am ready for.
On another note, I had another counseling session, and I can't even remember what we talked about... Maybe because I didn't talk. It was just my mom and my counselor talking about me in front of me, basically. Honestly, I don't trust my counselor. She tries to push me. I respect that, but she doesn't know me, my walls go up. Don't go there. Simple, because I shut off if you do. But she never got to know me, so how would she know. I feel like people who try to push me don't appreciate what I am doing. I could be doing a lot worse than I am. The small things are important, and I'm making progress. I don't want to be a perfectionist in overcoming perfectionism. The goal here is to be happy with gradual change, and not to stress/worry so much. I feel like she does not see what she is reinforcing. But, I also see that she wants me to develop something consistent, like going on a walk, which I really would like to do and agree with. Again, it's the way she puts things.... I told her I'm looking for volunteer work, and so she starts pushing it and her attitude switches to this kind of "I don't believe that you will" type of thing and then she starts demanding more from me when I haven't volunteered yet.
Longpost. Always feel bad about that. Keep posting long to face the fear. Never truly works lol.
