Escape's Journal.

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Awesome, Escape. I felt the same way in my 3 day film crew thing... not witty, slow, humor lacking and I felt like an alien but had my moments. But I also could feel if I had more time in that kind of environment, Id grow better... slowly lol.

I think too many breaks inbetween events like school/classes/whatever just for us, is too much time for bad habits and thoughts to creep back in. It can be exhausting doing something consecutive for long hours a day. BUT - like physical exercise, you build endurance; social endurance. No time to overthink things too... no time to get back into the mode avoidance/negativity/self-loathing/whatever.

NO DOUBT still feel things and this stuff...

Groups may feel uncomfortable now, but, this will change. You had your moment at first but... any inside friends or ppl knowing eachother is always hard... I know that feeling. BUT you're on your way to smelling dehydrated dead flowers in a natural garden or whatever Puma said. lol =D

 

[EasySkanking]

Indeed Escape. I can definately vouch for that last sentance

"But, I will gladly let that go, even if I never feel 100% comfortable I will eventually adapt alright."

Sorry to hear that you felt as if you were excluded... that's how it usually happens with social anxiety. Just try to keep in mind that this happens due to social anxiety and not because you are boring, not funny, not intelligent/etc. I know this is hard, but doing this will save you a lot of work in the long run when negative believes become your actual being.

But! This is great... you seem to only experienced one little bad thing about this experience... everything for the most part seems great! Good to hear... I'm so proud of you <3<3

Hope it continues to be a good and productive experience for you. Let us know!

 

[Feathers]

Hey Escape, you are wise beyond words, as always...

It is not easy to convince other people to be more positive if they are feeling bad.. Sometimes the most we can do is accept them as they are and hope they will find a more constructive way of living life by themselves... And maybe to live your life in sunshine and 'lead by example'... and just BE the inspiration...

YAY for doing the program!! GO Escape!! Fingers crossed for ya!!

 

[BlackPuma]

For your first day there, I think you did a truly magnificent job. Feeling uncomfortable is totally part of the process. Meaning like the being excluded from a conversation thing, it's not a nice experience..

Buuut, you also know that it's not because of something wrong with your personality. They might've hit it off a little better initially/at the beginning of the day, making them (each other) the favored person to talk to at that time/day. Just be nice, get to know them, and progress slowly if need that time. And, you could've handled that worse then you did. In fact, I think you handled the situation fantastically relative to your discomfort. Humor is one of those things that requires all social pressures to be on the back-burner so that you can use more of your concentration on finding correlations between subjects that people might find funny. When you're anxious, your mind is very busy, you can't expect to be witty in such times. Jokes require a lot of mental and vocal finesse. We have to crawl before we can learn to walk > run > sprint. You've done well. :3

I am very impressed by your first day. Proud even. And remember, if you have a progress-off day once or twice, that means nothing. It's a difficult thing you're doing, and you're allowed to make mistakes. When you make a mistake, feel your feelings, but look at them pro-actively. You're there to learn, not to be fully perfect. :3

Keep it at, you're doing fantastic.


Also.. You've totally revealed my secret double life.
What's next? You're going to find out that I'm Batman, too? >:I

.. .. Oh dear, I've said too much.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Lol Deus,. That could be true, (no space for negative habits to return) so maybe this is a good thing

Thanks Skankin. Actually I hadn't even reviewed whether it was the anxiety or my personality that left me feeling excluded, such a good reminder.

Pumda d'aw, :3 feel a bit better about it with such encouragement. I always KNEW you were batman...

Yep feathers it seems being is the only way to inspire change. It is difficult to be when there are no other inspiring it sometimes but that's what makes it inspirational in the first place!


I was just going to update this and say that I had about 2 good days and 2 bad days so far. On good days, I was actually able to make a joke in front of the whole class and WHILE the person who came to speak to us was speaking (fear of interrupting) and it got a laugh or two. The last day by far was the worst, I don't think I said anything all day and I felt mentally so ****ty! You know those days where you just want to run right out of the place, find a corner and emotionally explode? This day lead to so much questioning and fear for the rest of the course. I didn't even start the important assignment we were given, couldn't find a job to write the cover letter for... So I began thinking, am I way far behind compared to everybody else?
I'm stuck in a dilema over what kind of job I'm looking for??

Here seem to be my options:
Cashier or Stocker: it has nothing to do with my interests but it would be a good people-challenge. It doesn't seem difficult. I actually enjoy memorizing things like codes, reminds me of when I used to play videogames in my 'tweens'. It would be difficult to get hired in this job because I don't have the personality they are looking for (people person) but I would like to acquire it... These are both largely jobs that don't require one to work in a TEAM... HUGELY relieving!!
The places who want cashiers have previously declined me, so, difficult to obtain.
Plant Nursery: Again, I have no skills that would allow me to be easily accepted into such a position, but the program entails a 14 week internship where I am paid by the government and not the company, so perhaps they would agree to give me some experience within that time. It would apply to my interests, there would be a certain outdoorsy factor that I would enjoy, but I haven't been able to find any spots open in this job, especially for people who don't know much about gardening. I do really want to learn about it though, very badly.
Organic Farm Worker: Okay I'm not even sure if this position is out there, especially this late in the season, or around this area. So while this would be SO ideal I don't know if it exists near me.. I have seen job postings for non-organic farms and it involves spraying the plants! No way. It also involves heavy lifting, maybe they expect strong muscley men or something. Most farm jobs seem to be seasonal, and I don't want that.. Lastly all the requirements on the farm jobs point out that you must work well in teams and be a people person. Eoiklkasd..?
Uhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhh
Landscaping: Okay honestly I don't know what a person in this field DOES...? Mow grass? Cut hedges? Of normal suburban lawns? Or in bigger garden-like lawns? I don't know... Once again the requirements clearly state people person, work in teams. I figure that it will be largely about that.... In the end this just isn't a job I want... I don't.. think? I don't know .. There is a large availability for this job, many job openings.

Positives and negatives of each, I really have no idea.
Preferred, with fears out of the question,
Organic Farm >> Nursery >> Stock person >> Cashier >> Landscaping

Errg.
On a last note having my time taken up like this has kept me easily on course with food.
Until, that is, there is a long weekend. x_x but there won't be another one so that is good....
Ahh after writing all of those negative thoughts out I feel a lot better about the future and challenges.

 

[Feathers]

Also, man, I am NOT witty.

NOT true!! busted!!

Okay, I'm not witty at 7am either!! I'll give you THAT!!

lol interrupting a guest speaker (you don't need to do that, you know! hehe) But good to make a room laugh, isn't it?

Puma, mad guitar skills, WOW!!

Seriously, hun, you underestimate yourself. From what I've seen here you are sharp, witty, intelligent... inspiring even.

Now maybe this particular group of people doesn't know or share your particular brand of humor (yet) remember you didn't find the 'fun' exercises 'fun' either hmm? (Does it make you think less of the 'teacher' or 'the group'?)
Maybe you just need to get to know each other.. Both with teacher and with others..
Maybe she just tries to be upbeat to talk with teenagers and 'get some interest'... (or she might be high on caffeine and not a 'morning person' either?? Or might be going through some own issues and 'overcompensating' trying to be cheery??)
It's not so easy to find appropriate exercises sometimes, and it may take a bit for her to get to know you guys too..
I'd really recommend some 1 on 1 talk with her if you can.. (Or other people running the program..)

You could ask them like, if she/they've had experience with people with very severe social anxiety and/or (your specific issues/problems) or such...? Have they any experience working with intelligent/gifted kids? Because in a group of kids with anxiety and 'needing to get a job' you can have from sub-intelligence to average to high intelligence etc!! (And tons of different anxieties!!)

Also, you could say like you feel older than other kids maybe, or maybe even that you enjoy more solemn/serious stuff that is more 'thought-provoking'...
Do they know you are gifted/intelligent?

I don't want to underestimate anyone, all people are awesome & wonderful, sometimes people with 'less than average intelligence' can go REALLY well and EASIER through life, it is just specific issues and it's good to have specific help!! Also, read that book by Judy Gailbraith: The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide - if you haven't yet!! It changed my life in high school!! READ IT!!

I felt like an 'alien' in most high school classes until I read that book!! & then things totally changed when Uni started!

(I know this can be like a maybe weird thing to tell 'em/say/ask.. You could maybe rephrase it in a different way, you don't need to brag about being 'gifted' or even mention it, especially if you weren't 'officially' identified as such, maybe could just say that you used to do well academically, or something general like that..?)

On the other hand, some 'fun' exercises might lighten you up a bit hehe.. you know you took school way too seriously before, so this may be just what you need...? (hm!) challenge!! Imagine using activities maybe with younger kids in summer camp (=can be a way to work a summer job, earn $$$ and then travel USA too!) or in eco workshops? Maybe some would be helpful? You could also write them here for Feathers to maybe use them some time? (and rate them from 'stupid' to 'really cool'-?? hmm?)

You just need to find a 'purpose' for the exercises and what you do there maybe? Also, in some activities, the group may be observed a bit: how is interaction, who has leadership skills... These things could even be helpful if you ever run retreats for exhausted executives or such-?? (As a park ranger or something like that-??) Or if you ever need to work in a group or mini-group in RL?

Of course you are different, you are more intelligent than many, and probably more thoughtful and informed about certain things than your average teenager.. or just 'new' and got to get to know their quirks and stuff.. You can ask how long this group has been together etc. Even in a group of 3, if 2 seem to know each other, you could ask, 'Hey, how long have you two known each other?' or something like that?

They can learn a lot from you!! And you can learn a lot from them probably too!!

Also, about 'overwhelm'.. Can you ask if there's a way to 'withdraw' into another room/toilet/lobby... where you can be alone...? Maybe you could discuss this with the person who runs the program too...?

I was brave enough to venture into a 'help' type of organization with a cool another member from this site (inspired by you and some other brave people here like Saskia and Puma!!) - and was totally overwhelmed by it too and couldn't last long there, even though it was really good!! They didn't have any/much experience with SA so my plan is to just educate them about it and tell that I need space sometimes etc.

I'm surprised you didn't have a gradual introduction from 1 or 2 hours first day and then more each time - maybe they really don't understand the nature of SA and what it's like to spend long periods of time alone? People running that program may be extraverts, or just sociable or unaware how stressful it can be for some people.. So think about maybe educating them gently.. and being nice of course, 'would it be possible'... (to do some stuff/exercises in another room if needed, or such) etc.

I will answer your other post separately, this is too long already lol!!

 

[Feathers]

Escape, honey, you really ARE inspiring!! Think of yourself as 'Pioneers' or 'Where no man has gone before...' hmm?

I think the idea of 'important assignment' was maybe a little bit scary, hmm?
So what about you view it as 'just another silly exercise'?
Is this supposed to be a job application you'd actually send or just an 'exercise'?
Do they want to know what your ideal job would be, or just to see your CV writing skills and help you improve them?

Maybe just think of 'write for one interesting job' and let people help write a better application/CV? Then you can learn the process and repeat it for other interesting jobs...? (My sis wrote CVs and job applications for many VERY different jobs when she was in the job-hunting class!!)

You can also specifically tell the teacher this is just one of the jobs you find interesting and that you haven't properly decided yet which one you'd like most, as you'd still like to research more what those jobs actually look like!! Maybe she even knows some people who could tell you more about this?? (from specific jobs/industries you mentioned-?)

I do think any job you end up with would only be a starting stone anyway!! You are just too super-bright to stay a cashier or entry level person all your life!! Ideally, you'd earn money to live independently and save money and explore other personal interests 'on the side' and maybe even get a degree later on (many people do!!)

In real life, I think you could write a ton of job applications to all of these (or any positions you'd find), and then you'd see who'd accept you?

Also, there seems to be a missing step #1: RESEARCH!! (Not sure if your class even mentioned it?)

Do you have that book, 'What Color Is Your Parachute'? Have you read it? (Often, libraries have it!)
Can you find an online forum where these people hang out?
(Cashiers, organic farm workers, etc...?) Maybe google 'organic farm worker Canada forum paid work'? or 'landscaping work forum entry level jobs' or 'landscaping work forum entry level jobs experience' or such? Or ask at the local organic/health shop or farmers market about these things? (Or a gardener or farmer if you see one, in the city?)

I found this: Working on a Farm answers some things, I know people who were picking fruit or vegetables abroad, sometimes it was paid well.. it was seasonal though.. not sure if it was always organic..

Here seem to be my options:
Cashier or Stocker: it has nothing to do with my interests but it would be a good people-challenge. It doesn't seem difficult. I actually enjoy memorizing things like codes, reminds me of when I used to play videogames in my 'tweens'. It would be difficult to get hired in this job because I don't have the personality they are looking for (people person) but I would like to acquire it... These are both largely jobs that don't require one to work in a TEAM... HUGELY relieving!!
The places who want cashiers have previously declined me, so, difficult to obtain.

Here, shops hire all the time, but some people are very misrable with low pay and great amount of work and overtime they have to do.. So, maybe one of the options to check out, if you see job ads, think of it more as in temporary stuff maybe...?

Organic Farm Worker: Okay I'm not even sure if this position is out there, especially this late in the season, or around this area. So while this would be SO ideal I don't know if it exists near me.. I have seen job postings for non-organic farms and it involves spraying the plants! No way. It also involves heavy lifting, maybe they expect strong muscley men or something. Most farm jobs seem to be seasonal, and I don't want that.. Lastly all the requirements on the farm jobs point out that you must work well in teams and be a people person. Eoiklkasd..?

Some people move from farm to farm, or even from country to country (here in Europe, not sure how it is over the seas..) Or you could do some other jobs in the 'off seasons' (like some people help with fairs, or sell produce or jewelry/items on markets/stands or such - THAT would be good exposure therapy too haha!! not sure how much it'd pay though hmm..)

For opportunities: I've found this: WWOOF / organic farm volunteers/interns/jobs forum
You could even find a job that is part time/part of the year only, or for a few months, and volunteer in the summer/the rest of the year or something like that.. Or you could work one year, or a few years, save some money, and then take some time off to travel and WOOF...?
It doesn't have to be 'this one job now forever'... you can learn about it and try it and if you don't like it, you can write an e-book about it and sell it online or just move to something else...?

Landscaping: Okay honestly I don't know what a person in this field DOES...? Mow grass? Cut hedges? Of normal suburban lawns? Or in bigger garden-like lawns? I don't know... Once again the requirements clearly state people person, work in teams. I figure that it will be largely about that.... In the end this just isn't a job I want... I don't.. think? I don't know .. There is a large availability for this job, many job openings.

Well, you ARE a people person, online, you are AWESOME!! You just don't have that much practice in RL. It really depends A LOT on the team...!!

Also, remember, sometimes words are just a 'buzz word' in management classes... so one year everyone wants the employees to be this or that.. Maybe it just means they don't want people who'd undermine other people on purpose or be grumpy all the time or be too stubborn to listen to what the supervisor would say etc.

I think if people trim hedges or do 'gardening' work they often work in a group on the site: you need to communicate well enough that you don't put geraniums where the daffodils are supposed to be etc.

Did you actually find these jobs online, or did they give them to you in the class? You could do more research online, check/Google - the websites of companies hiring and see what they do, what they offer to clients etc. (Or what their competing companies there/abroad offer...)

You can also ASK these questions in the class - 'Does anyone know...?' (or on relevant other online forums, or on Yahoo questions? hehe)

Positives and negatives of each, I really have no idea.
Preferred, with fears out of the question,
Organic Farm >> Nursery >> Stock person >> Cashier >> Landscaping

I think you like research and you have 5 things to research

You could also think in terms as 'maybe wanna work in this field in other positions long.term' or just 'easiest to do and get $$$ and then do my own thang the rest of the time..'

hmm maybe consider some other factors too, like the weather etc: groundskeeping career advice - Professional Gardener Forum - GardenWeb
How are you with manual work in general? (I'm good academically but rather clumsy, so just asking hehe)
Maybe you could write articles to help promote organic biz or arrange window displays with your artistic talents or something?

Maybe there are other options to learn gardening too: like free programs or colunteering opportunities? Check what's available locally? (You could also get paid work easier then later maybe?)

Someone I know actually works in gardening (for a hospital) not sure what kind of education he has or how he got there or what it's like.. We don't see each other often, maybe I could ask though.. (no near-future visits planned though hmm..) There are also some people who have 'flower/plant shop' (not organic though) hmm.. - not sure how relevant any of it would be for you over there.. ? you could just ask at the local nursery what it's like too?? (maybe have a trip with fellow SPW-er? after reading questions to ask in the Parachute book?)

What about this? I have no job experience, im 19 and im desperate for a job!! please help!? - Yahoo! Answers (I had no idea about it, also not sure if it's true, but looks interesting??)

Oops, sorry, this has gotten too long again!!

Anyway, you are BRAVE to even be researching this, fingers crossed for ya!! Keep on ROCKIN'!!

(For me, it was easier to 'break down' steps too: one day researching CVs and selecting some interesting ones, next/another day researching company/employer, then writing draft of job application and CV, then improving and then finishing.. so it could take a week or more to write a really good CV and job application.. (it can be time consuming and a bit nerve-wrecking haha.. so it's good to have support of other people also doing this!! ) eg if they say, 'Hey you'd be perfect for this' or 'YEAH, GO write 'em a letter!!'

I mean, what's the worst you can lose? A summer and some months of maybe a bit too strenuous work? You can get a different job next month or next year then?
(Ideally you'd try for at least 3 months maybe - so it looks good on resume!)

A problem would only be if you let it affect your feeling of self-worth and willingness to do work for money (if it wouldn't work out so great)... You could try something different then though, no? Some people have tried on many jobs and just turned elsewhere when didn't find what they were looking for.. Maybe think of it as 'paid learning experience'?

PS It's normal to be stressed before/during holidays too!!

GO Escape!!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Feathers will reply when not so tired! heh, love your long posts

I too feel I need to get away from this site a bit.
Although I do find chatbox to be a really helpful wording-conversation practice
And I practically rely on this journal right now because I have nowhere else to share and get feedback on recent changes
And I love people's journals
But every time I come on here I see very negative posts. (not including replies to journals which are uplifting and inspiring! <3)
It brings me down, I'm not yet passed my own negative thoughts and I feel like I need a more positive atmosphere... Not to mention, I see people suffering with things I know are treatable, acting like they're doomed for life and trying to just get along before they die. It hits a sore spot within myself and It creates this anger in me that I end up sometimes not expressing in the best of ways. (not anger for the people but the government that tells you such).. I remember when I felt like that and it was this huge life change when I discovered that you are NOT MEANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS. Social anxiety does not belong in nature! Nor does depression. Nor does ADD or OCD or psychosis or whatever else feels abnormal. What is natural is feeling RIGHT within yourself and waking up to each day with appreciation and love for life... Nature is all loving to those who live smartly with it. I for one believe all progressive diseases are feeding from something are they to grow. All we must do is find this cause...
I keep going around saying I know the way out blah blah and I DO. I went from housebound and bedbound to anxiety free for a whole month with a certain combination of factors. I just have been too fearful to put it into action! I see that I have not been the best example for this, and perhaps once I am, when I come back I can help a lot of people! And that I'm looking forward to... My goal is to be a living example and at the moment I am completely serious about starting my journey right now to be one.
So I think I will be just saving the journals that I read to the favorites tab, and this one, will still read and write to those, and the rest of this site is goodbye for now!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

 

[hoddesdon]

I agree that the feeling that you are beyond repair seems true, but it is not so. That is a necessary intellectual breakthrough.

There is a lot of worthwhile material buried beneath the negativity. It is a pity that it is not readily accessible. There should be folders for it as well as the forum structure. That would require someone to categorize it.

 

[kihira]

You seem to have a good sense of your favoured work environment (outdoors) and of what you value (organic/health/environment friendly), yes? Work is so much easier when it 'fits', so aiming at something that includes these would be good, you would be interacting with like-minded co-workers as well. Teamwork involves communicating, helping, considering others - you do all this on the forum, so you will easily translate it to the workplace. :]

>>>Edit: If you did want to do some retail work, then how about in an organic/wholefood store or market? Your knowledge on gluten-free etc would be very useful.

 

[EasySkanking]

Feathers will reply when not so tired! heh, love your long posts

I too feel I need to get away from this site a bit.
Although I do find chatbox to be a really helpful wording-conversation practice
And I practically rely on this journal right now because I have nowhere else to share and get feedback on recent changes
And I love people's journals
But every time I come on here I see very negative posts. (not including replies to journals which are uplifting and inspiring! <3)
It brings me down, I'm not yet passed my own negative thoughts and I feel like I need a more positive atmosphere... Not to mention, I see people suffering with things I know are treatable, acting like they're doomed for life and trying to just get along before they die. It hits a sore spot within myself and It creates this anger in me that I end up sometimes not expressing in the best of ways. (not anger for the people but the government that tells you such).. I remember when I felt like that and it was this huge life change when I discovered that you are NOT MEANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS. Social anxiety does not belong in nature! Nor does depression. Nor does ADD or OCD or psychosis or whatever else feels abnormal. What is natural is feeling RIGHT within yourself and waking up to each day with appreciation and love for life... Nature is all loving to those who live smartly with it. I for one believe all progressive diseases are feeding from something are they to grow. All we must do is find this cause...
I keep going around saying I know the way out blah blah and I DO. I went from housebound and bedbound to anxiety free for a whole month with a certain combination of factors. I just have been too fearful to put it into action! I see that I have not been the best example for this, and perhaps once I am, when I come back I can help a lot of people! And that I'm looking forward to... My goal is to be a living example and at the moment I am completely serious about starting my journey right now to be one.
So I think I will be just saving the journals that I read to the favorites tab, and this one, will still read and write to those, and the rest of this site is goodbye for now!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

*Bows down the mighty Escape* (just ignore the "intense" part of my post but listen to my message). Again, proud of you Escape! Keep up the good work <3. And please be the living example, I know I need one

 

[EscapeArtist]

Agree hod. Well said

So I guess i'm not taking a break. I think I always do this lol. I want to take a break but when I leave this site I realize that I'm completely invisible in the life that I have and the family that I have, and so I come back as a way to make me feel less invisible.
Overuse is what I will be monitoring, or I will only use SPWorld on week days because they're really tough.

Today was very tough. It's just one of those horrible, horrible self talk days. I have not had such a negative self talk day in a LONG time. It kind of came up on me. But it makes sense because I was really broken over the weekend and wasn't ready to go back.

All day I felt like I wanted to dash out of there and not come back. I felt very negative and depressed 'simply because'. I couldn't make light of anything. And then we had to give a presentation on an object and try to advertise it in a funny and convincing way in front of the class? By this time the negative self talk was explosive and after the presentation I felt so ashamed of my short little spiel that I was telling myself I would kill myself and that I hated myself just to get the shame to go away! Then we had to present a 30 second speech about ourselves (formal, as we would to a job person) and I once again felt I completely stumbled and messed up everywhere, way worse than normal. I beat myself up real bad mentally, tried to stop, tried positive affirmations but I literally had to repeat them out loud to stop the negative and I didn't have space to do that! It brought up all of the old self hatred, just like *snap*. I walked home and listened to calming, reassuring songs that at least helped me switch my focus.

How great all of these strangers I barley know seem, and how guilty I am to exist around such people. I try to reverse that thought unsuccessfully. I really want somebody to talk to, but I am not able to trust the workings of humanity enough to talk to them when I do have somebody.

Came home, was feeling really ****ty, had a sobfest. This was after talking to my mother after she got in the door. I expect too much out of the person that she is. Maybe it is my fault. I expect her, as a mother, to want to do things with me. Go for a walk, or something. I expect family to want to do things with other family even if it means doing something that one person isn't completely gaga over. She'll only do things with me that SHE wants to do. Watch TV.... Or..... Well that's about it. She doesn't even really want to listen to me unless she's had a few glasses of wine, other wise even when she sees me around the house she lets out this huge angered sigh and an eyeroll. It makes me feel like she never really did want children. I still DO kind of believe that if she wasn't so lonely, she wouldn't want us at all

I don't even much care, it's more the hurt from childhood of never having spent quality time with my mother that keeps me feeling like I'm eternally alone. I feel like if she wanted to spend more time outside the house with me now, we could establish a real relationship with feelings and maybe even memories and laughter. Of course, it never helps when somebody walks in on you crying, talks to you like you're all fine and dandy and then closes the door as if they didn't notice. That always makes me feel so damn invisible.


Well, the mom came in and basically said she was going to try and spend more time. Which is nice and means a whole lot to me, especially because she faces a lot of fears by doing that. It probably won't actually happen but at least she said that. I hope I'm not coming across as some attachy mamas girl who needs her mommy, I just envy people who have memories of doing things together with their parents so much and I'm desperate to have that.

On a more positive note I find that I can't sit in my house for long any more. I feel like I'd rather be out on a bus or walking around than be inside. Being outside alone is nothing in comparison to being in a group of 10 for 6 hours a day. I am going to get my bike fixed so I can mill around on it for hours on end down little country roads like I used to

 

[kihira]

And then we had to give a presentation on an object and try to advertise it in a funny and convincing way in front of the class? By this time the negative self talk was explosive and after the presentation I felt so ashamed of my short little spiel that I was telling myself I would kill myself and that I hated myself just to get the shame to go away! Then we had to present a 30 second speech about ourselves (formal, as we would to a job person) and I once again felt I completely stumbled and messed up everywhere, way worse than normal.

*applauds* You got up and spoke, well done just for that, surely one of the hardest tasks for socially anxious people! That, even now, would turn me to jelly.

 

[BlackPuma]

Oh, wow. I am so sorry about that awful day, Escape.

Public speak assignments are the worst! I'm quite proud that you went on with it regardless of how you felt about it, sometimes that is an accomplishment in itself. Talking the negative thoughts away doesn't always help. It's good to just open the emotional floodgates when you need to. It's just important that you don't stick with it, once they're open.

I don't think you were expecting too much from your mother..

Not from your point of view as the child. The thing is that we all want to feel validated and connected to our parents, and close relatives, regardless of how obviously gloomy/distant their thought process is. Even when parents are out of the picture entirely, people tend to cling to some kind of parental figure. A person of wisdom, someone whom comforts them. Not to mention that the ''importance'' of family values are stuffed in your face pretty much everywhere. It's only natural to crave some kind of connection with her.

I think it's good of her to make a grand gesture like that, whether it follows with actual deeds of the gesture or not. It shows willingness, rather then unconditional passive-hostility. Good of her, and good for you. :3

 

[EscapeArtist]

Phocas, nice avatar. Hahaha, I agree that she's cute

Thanks for all the replies y'all. Puma phocas firewalk <3. I was in a very bad place last week, especially looking back, I feel almost ashamed! Maybe I've been a bit TOO open? Then again that was my goal. I think i'll keep at it... just need to adjust

I LOVE your theories 'firewalk' (not sure if you want your name spoken on here? hmm) This sounds like another very suitable one

May 01
So wanted to pop in and say that I volunteered yesterday, and share the experience for anybody who is afraid to volunteer. Surprisingly my mother agreed to come! BIG moment! It took a lot out of her but it meant a LOT! Anyways... This allowed me to go places that I was very unfamiliar with on busses.

It was an event for the opening of an urban farm. Alongside that, there was ivy pulling in the park beside the farm as a way to celebrate the farm. Ivy is a very invasive plant in this area that is taking complete control over forests, climbing up and suffocating trees until they die and altering ecosystems.

The people there were all so nice, you could just tell. I don't know what it is about gardeners and "green" people being so open positive and accepting, but they just seemed to be! When I went to go ivy pulling my mom went her separate way and I was left to work with this really nice woman who showed me how to save the trees. We basically made a team, saved around 10 trees I'd say. She tried to make small talk all the while and I attempted to small talk back, quite unsuccessfully, I have social days and very socially awkward days and this one was definitely a big socially awkward one. But it was okay, she didn't seem to care! I was socially awkward enough to lie when her questions deserved a lengthy explanation (are you in school? answer: uhhh yeah).

We would finish cutting vines off of a tree and she's say something like "Now the tree feels so good! So which tree needs help now, Sabrina? Point one out" and we'd go to the next. At one point we were talking about how I needed a job, and she gave me all of these very valuable options that I had never thought of! Email this person, take this to this person, contact this person, start a team of some sort for a grant that there was... I didn't retain any of it because I was still thinking about anxiety. Then she said that I should ask the organizers of that program for a letter of reference. Turns out the woman I was talking to was a member of the parks and rec something or other lol (didn't retain much hah) so I was to go up to the organizer of the ivy pulling and say that she was working with me and thought I was very dedicated and hardworking, and to ask for a letter of reference.

So nerve wracking, I went up to the organizer, people around me, and uttered a few limited sentences that included "can I have a letter of reference". Well, not the right way to ask. She looked at me strangely, kind of with a frown and "uhh..."ed for quite a while. Thank GOD the really nice lady came up behind me, put her arms around my shoulders and just started talking for me about my "dedication" and such. She asked the organizer to sign a letter that I write (oh yeah, I had just learned that in my course. D'oh x) )

There was a very awkward way of leaving, where you walk ahead of the person and don't know if they're behind you leaving also just to leave or to go with you? So you kind of hover in front of them and then behind them and don't say much... Lol. At one point I almost left the organizer behind without knowing that she still had to give me her card. I'm just pointing these out so that whoever wants to volunteer and is afraid, and thinks that I got lucky in this situation, knows that I really was pretty hopeless lol.

So I have a reference card, and I learned a LOT of lessons.

Some people are WAY more accepting and nurturing, even, than I could have ever expected. Especially if you're working with a bunch of last-generation-gardeners and green people. Maybe start here.

People who have established themselves aren't affected by my negativity, if even if they may notice it, it won't anger them.

People are a lot more OPEN than I ever expected. They will mention that their mother is sick or that their family has diabetes in the second sentence after I meet them, if it relates to the subject. They aren't closed off like I always assumed... Honestly, I'm regretting not telling that lady why I'm not in school (social anxiety!) it would have been great practice at telling people... But I wouldn't know that without learning this

 

[kihira]

Good stuff! Would you volunteer with this group again? It can be interesting to see how dynamics change when an activity is repeated, the mind relaxes because it knows what to expect, allowing a different experience. You didn't lie about school, your program is school, in a way. If you did work with the same woman again, what questions would you ask her, was she old enough to have an interesting past?

10/10 and an Ivy Badge

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

GREAT Escape! What you said ppl established; and I assume OLDER... and wiser... I notice as well... keep on going you're growing a lot. =) Inspirational for those afraid to volunteer.

 

[EscapeArtist]

thank you

May03FeelingOfChange (Discomfort)..

I feel really uncomfortable. Quite expected. I had forgotten what it meant to feel uncomfortable. I feel really... not in control, vulnerable, after all of this massive amounts of social interaction. Especially today. Program: 6.5 hours, then hung out with a person from the program for 30 mins, had a counseling session, now have to go to store.

I feel like I just want to up and run out into some grassy plains and never come back. Over socially exposed... Like my place in my life is growing smaller and smaller and I'm stiffly confined.

At the same time, I realize today that one of the fears that controls my life is the fear of being used and thus feeling vulnerable. When one of your core values is intimate relationships, the fear that comes with it is the fear of being used. Also, the more your need for intimate relationships strengthens, as does the relating fear of being used. I'm trying as hard as I possible can to be 'open and honest' instead of closed off, and share every thought that I have (which isn't much when social energy is zapped), and the more I do that the more I have been feeling this fear of being used. I assume everybody is using me. But for what? I don't understand. Using me for...??

Here's a quote from a site .
"there is a more general fear of being used, and perhaps a further fear here is that to be used is to be either unvalued as a person (however much wanted as a means to an end) or to be put on a pedestal -- dehumanized, a human aspidstra"

Manipulated! There's another good word, which makes a lot more sense, especially because both my mother and father were/are extremely manipulative! Example: father only sends me emails when he wants to draw information from me (in sly ways, 'how are you and is your mom doing this and this and this??) so that he can somehow use the info to gain custody as to pay less child support or find a loophole... On the mother matter, she is simply manipulative in daily life. She always expects something secretly from you and will do things to get it out of you. She will only do something if she gets something out of it It's a hard case to explain... Maybe that's what this is.

In the end, I suspect that everybody expects SOMETHING from me. And thus, I'm being used for whatever it is that is expected. This is what leads me into feeling of social claustrophobia, and needing to push everybody away or start drifting around.

I know I should go through this and I will... Hopefully it's just a hump of adjustment...

Was thinking on walk home, freedom is not being controlled. WRONG. Freedom is not needing control

 

[EscapeArtist]

A good day today. We talked about positivity in class, and I think I provided some valuable insight. Teacher even wrote something I said on the board for a permanent reminder.

It's funny how some people feel weighed down by philosophical conversation and I find it EXTREMELY relieving and anti-anxietyish.

you know who I miss from this site, fuse.

 

[BlackPuma]

''Freedom is not needing control.''

I love that. Also, you're coming along quite great so far, have you noticed that? I can surely see a change. :3