Easier for girls to get boyfriends even with social phobia

[Ursula]

I don't think it's necessarily any easier for shy women to find relationships or to be 'socially acceptable' than it is for shy men. I don't think shy, timid women have been all that much in demand since the end of the victorian age! As a very shy woman I've always felt under a lot of pressure to be more outgoing and more sure of my opinions. As women are expected to have careers and lead economically productive lives just like men it changes people's expectations of how women should behave. I know there are still men around who like to be dominant and some women who only like loud, cavemanlike males but the majority of people have infinitely more complex reasons for finding someone attractive. I really don't agree with generalisations about 'what men want'/'what women want'. I think most people want to find someone they can connect with, who understands them or makes them laugh so the main problem if you're shy and quiet is people can't get to know you properly so they don't really know whether they like you or not half the time! I think this applies to shy women just as much as shy men.

 

[outcastlonerfreak]

I would have to disagree. I have never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed or anything.

 

[Sapphira]

Hmm... I think it may be because women in general tend to gravitate towards stability and security. I was with a guy once who was as much of an emotional wreck as me and anytime I had a panic attack or emotional breakdown, he would actually do the same! It was a bad situation all around.

I think the saying "opposites attract" may be relevant here, if only because most people need someone to be strong when they can't be. I know that's what I needed. My husband's strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.

So perhaps you should change the way you look at dating and relationships. Instead of saying "nobody would want me", say "I need to find someone who can be strong for me when I'm not, so that I can be strong for her when she's not."

Give and take, if you will.

 

[lonely_world]

Try being a socially inept lesbian!

 

[persian]

I'm having trouble understanding how some on here fail to see the main point here. Shy guys APPROACH and ASK the girl out, and all shy girl has to do is SIT and say yes or no.

Once again i fail to see how the latter is equally difficult, i think it's pretty fucking more difficult to be shy/socialphobic and go up to someone and ask him out, and on top of that fearing will she reject you or not AND on top of that thinking afterwards how big of a fucking loser you are 'cause she said no.

Of course women have it easier, they have it easier in almost everything in life, let alone dating.

 

[theman]

NOT

Women actually have it a LOT harder.

From the beginning of time through about 1900, there was about a 1 percent chance that a woman would die giving birth. Only recently has that risk improved to .01 percent.

Since childbirth has always been pretty perilous, women have evolved to test men pretty stringently before connecting with them.

After all, what woman would want to risk her life bearing a child for a man who might not have the confidence, presence, strength, character or otherwise to protect her and provide for her while she is putting all her life energy into reproducing?

For a man, reproducing takes about 5 seconds. For a woman it means a life risk, possible damage to her appearance (which hurts her chances with other men should the father not work out), and years of energy.

You're worried about a little discomfort at the initial meeting?

She may not realize it, but her DNA is much more worried about what your shyness SAYS ABOUT YOU, than the fact that your palms are a little sweaty. Her DNA is afraid for her LIFE.

Compounding all that danger is the fact that cultural norms say that a woman who pursues a man is desperate. So most women must simply wait until the right guy makes the move, which any woman will tell you is an excruciatingly long and uncomfortable time.

Guys can approach anyone, whenever they want.

Overcome your shyness, and you will have the time of your life.

Stop saying you're shy, because you are not shy. You THINK you're shy.

For so many reasons ITS MUCH EASIER FOR THE SHY OR NOT SHY MAN THAN IT EVER IS FOR THE WOMAN.

 

[persian]

Re: NOT

Most of what you said is true, but it's just proves the point that shy, introverted, not attractive, not assertive, not confident men are basically in the gutter when it comes to dating.

Stop saying you're shy, because you are not shy. You THINK you're shy.

Oh, DAMN ... so thats just it? man how did i not see that? Ugh ... no i don't think i'm shy, i know i'm goddamn shy. Your statement is ridiculous. So if i'm ill, i'm not really ill .. i just think that i am? Or if i have no money ... i just think i don't have any money?

For so many reasons ITS MUCH EASIER FOR THE SHY OR NOT SHY MAN THAN IT EVER IS FOR THE WOMAN.

Bullshit. Women, shy or not, choose their mates. If we go by your theory, you'll notice that everywhere in nature weak males die or they never reproduce ... whilst most females have offspring. It's no different with humans.

 

[eR1k]

Re: NOT

Stop saying you're shy, because you are not shy. You THINK you're shy.

Oh, DAMN ... so thats just it? man how did i not see that? Ugh ... no i don't think i'm shy, i know i'm goddamn shy. Your statement is ridiculous. So if i'm ill, i'm not really ill .. i just think that i am? Or if i have no money ... i just think i don't have any money?

I haven't read any scientific article about the fact shyness resides in our genetic code, in our DNA. The only thing that might be genetic in my oppinion is whether a person is more likely to exude behaviours towards the introverted side of the scale or towards the extroverted side.
BUT it's never in absolutes, it's never black & white, it's in shades of gray.

Personally I tend towards the introverted side of the scale, however I've developped all my extroverted traits. When I'am in a social situation I can just flip the switch and become very extroverted, because nothing beats that feeling honestly.

I think theman means when he said "you THINK you're shy", you are shy RIGHT NOW, but you have the power to change if you choose to. It's not genetic, and you might or might not overcome shyness at the end, but your can deffinitely try to beat your shyness. If you reduce your shyness quite a bit, your quality of life will improve !

For so many reasons ITS MUCH EASIER FOR THE SHY OR NOT SHY MAN THAN IT EVER IS FOR THE WOMAN.

Bullshit. Women, shy or not, choose their mates. If we go by your theory, you'll notice that everywhere in nature weak males die or they never reproduce ... whilst most females have offspring. It's no different with humans.

I think you both make a good point. Following themans' perspective on the subject, I think weak males will reproduce but only with weak/mediocre females in terms of self esteem and self respect. A woman with self respect will just not settle for anything less than a strong man. BUT personally I don't think it's all bad when you are a bit shy, as long as you are a real man. A man with a strong resolve and who steps up to the plate when necessary.

If we were still cavemen than I believe theman to be spot on, but it's all a bit more complex nowadays. Still his point is valid, we can't deny millions of years of evolution, it's just masked by our rational higher minds through culture etc.

 

[Sean146]

yea i know how you feel mate. i used to get fixed with girls alot a about a year ago . now ive no confidence atall and not bn with a girl for about a year and a half :? i think the perfect women for us should have social phobia aswell, no pressure and have very lot in common. well , bye :roll:

 

[theman]

Re: NOT

Yes, Persian

"shy, introverted, not attractive, not assertive, not confident men are basically in the gutter when it comes to dating."

....but I don't believe anyone IS those qualities. To say "I AM SHY" implies, as er1k said, that you ARE that quality.

Well, I don't believe you ARE those qualities. I don't believe anyone IS those qualities. Humans are malleable. At one point in my life, I believed I WAS those qualities too. But that changed for me as soon as I stopped believing that I WAS those qualities and started believing that those were simply some traits that I was exhibiting, not traits that I was made of (as er1k also said).

In science, the way you disprove a theory is by showing one instance that it does not work.

I have seen literally hundreds of instances where people (including myself) who had stated things like "I am shy, I lack confidence, self-esteem, I am ugly, I am not assertive," etc. literally BECAME the opposite and never went back.

So no one IS shy. It is apparent that people THINK they are shy, but I have disproven the notion that people actually ARE shy.

To assume that you are MADE of such negative qualities, I believe, is a 'victim mentality.' Victim mentalities are comfortable because they make one believe that they are not at fault - that the universe or his own body has conspired against him and locked him in a 'shy' prison for life. As a victim, one has no burden to be a man and do the hard work to change and improve. As a victim, there is nothing one can do but simply be a victim.

The victim mentality is a lazy man's paradise.

You said:

"Oh, DAMN ... so thats just it? man how did i not see that?"

I reply:

"Yes"

Yes, women choose their mates, but who do they have to choose from? US

Who gets to select the pool of mates from which he will be chosen? Not women. MEN DO

 

[SocialRetahd]

Most of the people on here are just a little shy and not social phobic.

 

[shon]

Girls want proof that a guy wants them, not just take hints. One guy in high school liked me and I waited for him to ask me out or do something to prove his love. He was too shy and when he distanced himself it made me think he didn't like me. It's harder for guys with SP since they have trouble expressing themselves, a lot of girls take it like you don't like them. So the dating aspect is usually easier for girls but I think everything else in life for females with it is harder.

 

[coriander1992]

Re: NOT

Women actually have it a LOT harder.

From the beginning of time through about 1900, there was about a 1 percent chance that a woman would die giving birth. Only recently has that risk improved to .01 percent.

Since childbirth has always been pretty perilous, women have evolved to test men pretty stringently before connecting with them.

After all, what woman would want to risk her life bearing a child for a man who might not have the confidence, presence, strength, character or otherwise to protect her and provide for her while she is putting all her life energy into reproducing?

For a man, reproducing takes about 5 seconds. For a woman it means a life risk, possible damage to her appearance (which hurts her chances with other men should the father not work out), and years of energy.

You're worried about a little discomfort at the initial meeting?

She may not realize it, but her DNA is much more worried about what your shyness SAYS ABOUT YOU, than the fact that your palms are a little sweaty. Her DNA is afraid for her LIFE.

Compounding all that danger is the fact that cultural norms say that a woman who pursues a man is desperate. So most women must simply wait until the right guy makes the move, which any woman will tell you is an excruciatingly long and uncomfortable time.

Guys can approach anyone, whenever they want.

Overcome your shyness, and you will have the time of your life.

Stop saying you're shy, because you are not shy. You THINK you're shy.

For so many reasons ITS MUCH EASIER FOR THE SHY OR NOT SHY MAN THAN IT EVER IS FOR THE WOMAN.

Like it.

 

[IDKwhatIwant]

i didnt read all, sorry.

in fairness, most of the guys who theyre with are assholes.
It is unfair that they get more attention, but were different, lol duh...
at least the attention I get is normally nice. :roll:

 

[Kien]

i didnt read all, sorry.

in fairness, most of the guys who theyre with are assholes.
It is unfair that they get more attention, but were different, lol duh...
at least the attention I get is normally nice. :roll:

That's a interresting thing in the world. Those who seems to be in the most need for love is the ones who never get it. Common people who get it has a good life in other ways already, and they get love too. While many of use here gets little or nothing.

 

[eR1k]

i didnt read all, sorry.

in fairness, most of the guys who theyre with are assholes.
It is unfair that they get more attention, but were different, lol duh...
at least the attention I get is normally nice. :roll:

That's a interresting thing in the world. Those who seems to be in the most need for love is the ones who never get it. Common people who get it has a good life in other ways already, and they get love too. While many of use here gets little or nothing.

Life isn't fair, it never was and it never will be. Every person needs love, doesn't matter if you have SA or if you are the most extroverted person on this planet. You get nothing for free in life that's just the way it is. If you desire something you better chase after it hard and claim it for your own.
Ever noticed how the rich always get richer and the poor always poorer. Also when it comes to love the same rules apply. Go after it hard, you won't magically meet "the one", you have to make it happen for yourself or you can stay lonely the rest of your life.

 

[Waybuloo]

I don't know the answer to this because I am not a guy so I can't compare first hand. But being a 25 y/o female who has been told I am pretty and cute etc etc, I have never been in a relationship till I met someone on the internet who was was also afflicted by social anxiety. I went to univeristy for 3 years and have never ever been approached by anyone with a romantic intention.

The times guys come up and talk to me, they realise i'm shy and awkward and quickly move along. I think I would still be single had I not met my current bf.

 

[Waybuloo]

This is going off on a tangent, but for ppl in the UK, have you ever wondered why the men on Jeremy Kyle are juggling multiple girlfriends or sex partners? Many of them are ex convicts, scummy looking, are full of themselves and have zero charisma. Shyness pales in comparison.

 

[shore_of_glass]

The times guys come up and talk to me, they realise i'm shy and awkward and quickly move along.

that's so lame

 

[Fighter86]

I think it could be true that it is easier for social phobic girls to get boyfriends, I have seen some pretty shy girls who have boyfriends, in fact, some are even married and have children, its not uncommon I would say.