"Don't worry!"

[princess_haru]

Does anyone else hate it when they open up to someone about their fears, only to be told not to worry? It's not as if worrying is something we choose to do! I don't wake up in the morning and think "when I've had my breakfast, I think I'll work myself into a panic over what social difficulties the day will bring. Oh, and after lunch I suppose I'll think about all the things that went wrong in the morning and mentally beat myself up over it!"

I've got five days work through an agency in a department store this week, starting tomorrow and finishing on Sunday. The only other time I've done shop work it was terrifying and I couldn't deal with it - that was six years ago and I'd hoped never to have to do shop work again, but my rent is overdue so I can't turn this down. My mum rang this afternoon and I told her about the work, then admitted I was scared about my first day tomorrow. She just kept saying "stop worrying!" and "at least it's work - you need the money!" I know I need the money and I wasn't grumbing about having some work - I was just looking for a little reassurance and needed to talk, but she didn't get it.

My boyfriend's always telling me not to worry too. If I had a magic button on the back of my head to turn my fears and worries off then I'd bloody well use it, but I don't! It drives me crazy when people think telling someone to stop worrying will make them say "oh, silly old me, why didn't I think of that?!" I'm perfectly well aware that worrying doesn't help me and actually makes things worse by sending me off into a panic, but fear isn't voluntary. People don't choose to be afraid of things; fear is sometimes irrational.

Maybe I should copy this out and keep it on me to show to people who tell me to just stop worrying:

A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, phóbos, "fear"), or morbid fear, is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. When the fear is beyond one's control, or if the fear is interfering with daily life, then a diagnosis under one of the anxiety disorders can be made.

I still don't think they'd get it though. I'm glad I have SPW to come to, where people actually understand!

 

[doesit]

congratulations on getting a job in these tough crysis times.i cant advise much but try to be yourself,and since it gonna be your first day people wont judge you for making the mistakes or being lost,and try not to stress much.keep us posted how it gonna go and good luck

 

[Argamemnon]

Don't worry ::

 

[tofu]

yeah, this reminds me, there was once this girl in college who tried to 'help me.' she was overly nice to me but that made me feel even more awkward around her and i could hardly speak to her. this one time at college, i couldn't take it, i broke down and cried. she just kept telling me repeatedly that everything was going to be okay. it just pissed me off even more.

my parents always tell me i need to learn to calm myself and be relaxed around people, my dad would say that i get nothing out of being afraid of people and that it's my loss.

 

[recluse]

It's the same when someone says ''smile it might never happen!''....How do they know it hasn't happened!

 

[princess_haru]

congratulations on getting a job in these tough crysis times.i cant advise much but try to be yourself,and since it gonna be your first day people wont judge you for making the mistakes or being lost,and try not to stress much.keep us posted how it gonna go and good luck

Thanks! I'm feeling kinda shaky right now and dreading it, but knowing it's only for five days is keeping me going - at least if it's horrible the end is in sight!

Don't worry ::

Arrghhhh!!! *sellotapes yer mouth shut* ::

 

[princess_haru]

my parents always tell me i need to learn to calm myself and be relaxed around people, my dad would say that i get nothing out of being afraid of people and that it's my loss.

Yeah, this is exactly what I mean! We all know we need to calm down and be relaxed around people! No shit, Sherlock! And we know we're not getting anything from our fears; it's not like we have some misguided notion that social phobia is a good thing! But people just don't get that we don't feel the way we do by choice ::

It's the same when someone says ''smile it might never happen!''....How do they know it hasn't happened!

Ugh, another of my favourites, lol! I wonder how many times someone's said that to someone who's just suffered a bereavement or been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Mindless platitudes piss me right off ::

 

[madmike]

Know what you mean, but what would you rather have them say? 'It's Ok, your fears are perfectly justified, keep on worrying and being really anxious and you'll be fine'. It's true that they probably don't understand what we're going through, and how difficult it is for us to deal with any kind of social interaction, but i think by saying 'don't worry' they're trying to give us some hope and subtly tell us that they're not the best people to talk to about it and guide us to other people who might know more about it.

 

[Sacrament]

YouTube - Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy

 

[antipop621]

"Don't worry" is probably one of the most useless ways of trying to make someone feel better. Especially if you're prone to anxiety.

It kinda reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld when they were talking about how instead of saying "God Bless You" you should say "You are so good lookin" instead since people would rather hear that.

So, we should find a replacement for it. Or something.

Also, @Princess_Haru, I worked in a grocery store for 3 years while in Uni and had to deal with people there all the time. What helped me get through it was by insulting them in my head the whole time. It also helped to remember that customers aren't really people, they're just vultures

 

[princess_haru]

Know what you mean, but what would you rather have them say? 'It's Ok, your fears are perfectly justified, keep on worrying and being really anxious and you'll be fine'. It's true that they probably don't understand what we're going through, and how difficult it is for us to deal with any kind of social interaction, but i think by saying 'don't worry' they're trying to give us some hope and subtly tell us that they're not the best people to talk to about it and guide us to other people who might know more about it.

Yeah, I know they're not saying it to annoy us and that they probably don't know what else to say, but if someone comes to me with a problem I try and do my best to see it through their eyes and offer some advice or support, rather than just rattling off a cliched response and hoping they'll shut up about their weird problems! :: If I genuinely don't know what to say to someone, I advise them to speak to someone who'll be able to help instead of just hoping they get the hint that I'm lost for words.

Even if someone can't understand why on Earth anyone would be scared of social interaction, they could give a hug and be a friendly ear for when I need to talk - that would make all the difference! I've even told my boyfriend this, when he's asked "so what do you want me to say?" but if I ever bring up my fears (and I don't do so very often) I always get the same, exasperated response: "You worry too much! Just stop worrying!!" ::


EDIT: I've just been thinking, it's not so much the well intentioned "don't worry" that upsets me (that's annoying too, but sometimes genuinely meant to be helpful!) so much as the exasperated version, spoken with undertones of "just pull yourself together and get over it!" You wouldn't wave a tarantula under the nose of an arachnophobe and tell them their fears are silly and to just get over it, would you?! But because people can understand fear of spiders more easily than social phobia, they don't realise that telling us to snap out of it is worse than useless.

 

[princess_haru]

"Don't worry" is probably one of the most useless ways of trying to make someone feel better. Especially if you're prone to anxiety.

It kinda reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld when they were talking about how instead of saying "God Bless You" you should say "You are so good lookin" instead since people would rather hear that.

So, we should find a replacement for it. Or something.

Also, @Princess_Haru, I worked in a grocery store for 3 years while in Uni and had to deal with people there all the time. What helped me get through it was by insulting them in my head the whole time. It also helped to remember that customers aren't really people, they're just vultures

Hehe thanks for the advice, I may try that! I've got to leave in about half an hour... I'll be relieved when the day's over and I'm back home again with a cup of tea and the laptop!

 

[mylifephails]

i know what u mean haru xD .. i sometimes dont even have to worry but in the end wen i get around ppl something must happen to me.. i cant be myself around ppl.. -.-

 

[jamez]

It's good advice sometimes though. If you really want to you probably could actually stop worrying at least for the present time. I know where your coming from to but these people telling you not to worry are probably more sane than you, so who is actually right?

 

[princess_haru]

i know what u mean haru xD .. i sometimes dont even have to worry but in the end wen i get around ppl something must happen to me.. i cant be myself around ppl.. -.-

I find it hard to be myself around people too, I always feel like I have to impress everyone! The people I most admire though are the ones who are happy to be themselves no matter whose company they're in. I hope I can be that way someday!

It's good advice sometimes though. If you really want to you probably could actually stop worrying at least for the present time. I know where your coming from to but these people telling you not to worry are probably more sane than you, so who is actually right?

I literally can't stop worrying just like that - it's not me being stubborn or something. I've tried CBT, meditation, yoga, alcohol... you name it! My dad was a huge worrier, my mum's a worrier and my brother's a worrier - it seems to run in the family! My mum worries only about practical stuff though as far as I can tell - where the money for bills is going to come from and stuff like that - so she doesn't understand more abstract worries like the possibility of being rejected by people and making a fool of yourself. I think if I persist with the CBT it will help me, but it'll take a lot of time and effort on my part. Fear is an automatic reaction for me when I'm faced with unexpected or intense social situations, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than simply telling myself not to worry to put a stop to this ::

Worrying is what I do. It comes next to breathing. So, it's actually helpful to hear that from somebody, because quite honestly, most of the time I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. It's just become so natural.

so tell me, quit ****ing worrying

I do see what you mean, but I've spent most my life hearing people tell me that my fears are silly and unnecessary - maybe they're trying to reassure me but it only makes me feel even more alone. They tell me I'm exaggerating and being ridiculous, and don't understand that feeling this much fear every day messes up my life and hurts like hell.

I don't want people to tell me "yes, you should be scared of people! Worry away!" lol :: I just want my family and my boyfriend to realise that my fears are valid, have real causes and affect my everyday life.

 

[Tiercel]

So how are you holding up? Are you thoroughly impressing everyone? Doing everything wrong? We need updates about that dreaded first day!

You wouldn't wave a tarantula under the nose of an arachnophobe and tell them their fears are silly and to just get over it, would you?!QUOTE]
Honestly, if I knew any arachnophobes and had a tarantula I probably would. But that's a separate issue altogether. Although maybe you just need to wave a few dozen people under your nose. Or better yet, dangle them on a string in front of yourself.

Sometimes I think I should just put on some kind of awkward costume when I'm going somewhere that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, if I'm gonna feel awkward/afraid/etc. anyway, I may as well have a "valid" reason. First day at a new job? Dress and act like a gay pirate. Your second day might be worse than the first, but at least you won't be a gay pirate.

Too bad that in real life I usually just clam up and spend my days worrying that I'm not as good as or good enough for whomever I'm around.

 

[Edwin1111]

Hello,

Can anyone please help me? i am constantly gulping while talking to people at work, and want to really get rid of this nervous reaction. Does anyone have any suggestions. Thanks!

 

[mylifephails]

Hello,

Can anyone please help me? i am constantly gulping while talking to people at work, and want to really get rid of this nervous reaction. Does anyone have any suggestions. Thanks!

i gulp alot around ppl lol XD

 

[princess_haru]

So how are you holding up? Are you thoroughly impressing everyone? Doing everything wrong? We need updates about that dreaded first day!

You wouldn't wave a tarantula under the nose of an arachnophobe and tell them their fears are silly and to just get over it, would you?!

Honestly, if I knew any arachnophobes and had a tarantula I probably would. But that's a separate issue altogether. Although maybe you just need to wave a few dozen people under your nose. Or better yet, dangle them on a string in front of yourself.

Sometimes I think I should just put on some kind of awkward costume when I'm going somewhere that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, if I'm gonna feel awkward/afraid/etc. anyway, I may as well have a "valid" reason. First day at a new job? Dress and act like a gay pirate. Your second day might be worse than the first, but at least you won't be a gay pirate.

Too bad that in real life I usually just clam up and spend my days worrying that I'm not as good as or good enough for whomever I'm around.

I'm ok thanks, really tired though! The job turns out to be attending fitting rooms, basically just checking how many items people are trying on and fetching other sizes for them if needed, while trying to tidy up all the clothes that customers keep throwing around the shop floor (it's sale week so there are lots of over-excited bargain hunters flinging t-shirts and dresses around!) I have to talk to strangers all day long, but because the conversations are pretty brief most the time I don't find it too badly stressful (if I say something stupid, at least they'll be gone in a few minutes anyway!) I had a couple of nice ladies today who told me how helpful I'd been, plus lots of teenage girls with their mums in tow, trying on party dresses and whinging

It seems to be helping to desensitise me a little to talking to strangers, as it's not a really high-pressure situation and I get to practise all day, lol! It's a bit embarrassing though to have to keep explaining to customers that I'm new and don't know the answers to most of their questions, and as I'm not allowed to leave the area by the changing rooms it's pretty rare that there's another member of staff to call out to for help. I had a duh moment today when I took a customer's tried-on clothes and meant to say "thanks" like usual, but randomly said "please" instead!! :: And when one of the supervisors was hovering over me I got nervous and kept dropping clothes... but apart from that things have been pretty good. Only three days left now!

Lol, your gay pirates comment made me think of this:

YouTube - Pirates Of The Caribbean Gay Kiss

Now that's a movie I'd go see!!

 

[madmike]

EDIT: I've just been thinking, it's not so much the well intentioned "don't worry" that upsets me (that's annoying too, but sometimes genuinely meant to be helpful!) so much as the exasperated version, spoken with undertones of "just pull yourself together and get over it!" You wouldn't wave a tarantula under the nose of an arachnophobe and tell them their fears are silly and to just get over it, would you?! But because people can understand fear of spiders more easily than social phobia, they don't realise that telling us to snap out of it is worse than useless.

Yeah, it can be hard to take, but I always just tell myself that their intentions are good (whether they actually are or not) If they don't know more about it, then I can't blame them because they're fortunate enough to not have experience SA. Just be more careful who you open up to about these things, people who you know will be more understanding (how about your parents? if they're worriers themselves...)