Can't Look people in the eyes

Just_Another

New member
I really HATE this weird thing I do. I hate not being able to look people in the eye. Mine is caused typically when someone has something on their face, and then I have trouble not looking at it, and then I end up not being able to look them in the eye anymore because I wander around their face or stare at them directly in the eye. And I'm started to do it with everyone, even my close relatives. It's really uncomfortable and I'm losing two friends because of it. It's becoming awkward for me to talk. I really need help. I dislike this mannerism!

If someone can help me, please. It's really affecting my life.
 

Delric

Member
I think it's shocking that people are losing friends over this (they must be rubbish friends?) but I identify with the rest of it. I'm hopeless at eye contact as it feels like the other person is - as was said early in the thread - looking right at my soul and everything I'm thinking or have ever thought.

Angry parents and teachers really didn't help. You know when you've been bad as a kid and the adult will be trying to get the truth out of you and will stare you square in the eyes with that angry look, often with their eyes kind of 'looking around' as if they're searching inside your head. I think that's what put me off it. Nobody ever taught me that it was considered rude *not* to make eye contact until it was far too late, they'd only ever act like it was something you do when you're being told off.

If I'm concentrating and know it's really important, for example a job interview, I can do eye contact properly. But it takes of LOT of effort and courage.
 

siren_0_0

Well-known member
snipes said:
READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!Think Ive cracked it!!!! After reading this I posted a message and Googled the problem again and found somthing on sub-communication and how to over come our problem. I'll try and explain, look at one eye and dont blink. When your doing the talking look away occasionally, when it feels right, and when thier doing the talking look at them for longer, still look away now and again but not nearly as often. On top of this advice Ive started telling my self over and over all day long this phrase:- Dont be scared of anybody or anything and dont be scared of what they think when they look at you. Ive been doing this for 2 days, after the first day I noticed a difference and felt 50% better, today Ive noticed people feel more at ease around me, which is how things used to be 10 years ago!!!!! I now feel 90% better.
Will you all try this and post on here and tell me how it goes, If we work together we can break this misserable afliction and break free from this box weve locked our selfs in, in our heads. Sorry again about the spelling! :D [/b]
That's pretty good advice snipes. I usually look at the area between their eyes tho, lol, not one eye. Sometimes I end up forgetting to look away, lol and it looks like I'm staring them down. haha. Also when I'm doing the talking, because I'm concentrating on their nose bridge as well as thinking about what i'm saying, I have to concentrate harder, which makes me widen my eyes and my eyebrows raise up as well. lol. It didn't seem to bother anyone so I didn't think it was a big deal until I met this chinese guy, who was kind of being an asshole. He's the type of person who picks up on your flaws and concentrate on them and since he's got small eyes, he probably thought it was odd that my eyes go like o_o to O_O when I'm talking about something exciting. I'm sure I've done that while talking to other ppl too but they never gave me a hard time about it. But that chinese guy started imitating me, in front of his wife, cus he thinks it's something to make fun of. Like, I couldn't tell that he was imitating me. I didn't care much tho, even tho I did notice it and I'm like oh wow, that's rather immature for a 43 yr old man. I think also it was his way of reassuring his wife that he's being emotionally faithful to her, by making fun of the other female. :roll: Funny thing is, he was the one who invited me out to eat with them, not the other way around.
Pur-lease! so what if my eyes are like O_O!!
 

Argamemnon

Well-known member
To be able to look someone in the eye and remain calm you have to love yourself, the way you look, your personality; you have to have a high self-esteem.
 

Lea

Banned
Argamemnon said:
To be able to look someone in the eye and remain calm you have to love yourself, the way you look, your personality; you have to have a high self-esteem.

That´s what I was thinking about right yesterday. I don´t know if it´s right, but it occured to me that probably low self esteem is the culprit. If we were treated like rubbish and also for example in uncultured low class families at the same time we are the product of this environment. I wish I could be born again in another family who would treat me with dignity a like grown up person, promote rather than supress development and self-esteem.
Btw was there any twin study with twins raised in different families?
 

PhantomPod

Well-known member
Honestly, making eye contact is one of the few shy-related things I can actually do well. I just like looking into people's eyes, especially if they have nice blue eyes or something. I mean, I still look away a lot and can't hold eye contact for as long as "normal" people seem to hold eye contact, but I am still surprisingly good at it.
 

itsallgood

New member
that is so nuts....I always thought I was the only person who did that. I have the hardest time looking people in the the eye while they're talking. I don't think it's as intense as some of the people here say they have it though.....if you find something that would help me let me know cause I would love to able to just talk to people!
 

petelebu

New member
i had the same problem for 3 years

hey i had the same problem for 3 years, and it started when i started working for an albanian construction company , where everybody not albanian was treated like shit, i mean like whores, and at that time i was really in need of money so i couldnt quit my job so i had to stay and get treated like shit to, and it eventually leaded me to a self steem problem where i couldnt look at people in the eye no more because i would feel like they could look straigt at what happened to me etc. at that point i was suffering from a specific kind of low self steem, the funny thing is that whenever i looked in to the mirror i didnt see i looser, or a bad person, i just saw me, plain me, no when i tried to look into somebodys eyes i use to fill up with hate because of what happened to me, is kind of that i was hating every single human person on the planet, even knowing that the person that was talking to me didnt had anything to do with anything, they werent guilty for nothing that happened to me, even tough i couldnt feel different, so i guess it is a sort of self defence mechanism because of an traumatic event, or a series of small traumatic events that build up into a monster.
the solution: controlling my mind up again.
yes that was the only solution i found after i tried everything, from glasses. to staring at pictures of people(wich helped a little) now the real solution was when i found out that actually lots of people suffer from this, and that there are paranoid and uncomprehensive people that may not understad that it is not that you dont like them, is that you have a personal problem that doesnt have nothing to do with them, but you have it anyway, so the soulution for me was paying less care about what people think about me and being a thankfull person for the small things in life,from waking up alive, to a coffee etc, another thing very usefull is
DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU WHEN YOURE NOT DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!! and thats what realy helped me, guys whe are human, we make mistakes, so just let it go what ever you made or whatever somebody made to you, life is to learn, and trustme if when you start getting paranoid at people just look at them, they are people just like you, even if they dont know it, they shit like you, eat like you, are wrong like you etc, just be yourself and overcome your fears,i did it, and im just a regular guy, just dont let stupid or inexperienced people ruin your life, remember you will have your age just one in your life, stop loosing years,
and dont forget to be thankfull for what you have,because you have you.
 

lyricalliaisons

Well-known member
I was never able to look anyone in the eyes. Not even as a kid with my parents & few friends I had. But last year, after I started getting help, my old therapist practically made me look into her eyes. Since then, I can do it a little better, but it's still hard. I can look certain people in the eyes, about 5 total, but it scares me too much to look into anyone elses eyes. Sometimes I feel like it makes me seem suspicious to them, but I can't help it.

Honestly, I don't see what the point is in looking into peoples eyes. Especially people you don't know & might never see again. But for some reason, apparently, you're just supposed to do it. I can't imagine I'll ever become comfortable with it, or even do it as often as I'm supposed to.
 

MotherWolff

Banned
I wish I knew how to make something like this go away. I've been like this since I was 10 I believe(I'm 19 now). I can't even look myself in the mirror, but that's also because I hate my reflection(and that's a whole other story). I don't know why people like us have trouble doing this. For me I think its because I have a lack of trust in people. I can only look in the eyes of people that I know and trust very well(like my 2nd oldest brother and mother).
Even when I try to look someone in the eyes its such a struggle and it feels totally weird. I saw comments on here that suggested to wear sunglasses but I always had the feeling that sunglasses give off the impression that your hiding something(especially if its not sunny outside :roll: ). Sunglasses would only cover-up the problem, not solve it. Maybe improving your self-esteem would help somehow. I dunno. I bet there are exercises that can give you back your eye contacting. Like staring yourself in the mirror or something.
 

getbornagain

Well-known member
I can't look girls I'm attracted to in the eys and it eats me up inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111 They don't come back after that one first impression is ruined.
 

Havocan

Well-known member
This might seem somewhat odd, but though I'm very shy and suffer from APD I tend to look people in the eyes all the time just for amusement. I don't know why it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, maybe it's because I don't say or do anything special but stare. I've also won every eye-staring competition I've participated in {just felt the need to brag a bit :p }.
 

MotherWolff

Banned
Havocan said:
This might seem somewhat odd, but though I'm very shy and suffer from APD I tend to look people in the eyes all the time just for amusement. I don't know why it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, maybe it's because I don't say or do anything special but stare. I've also won every eye-staring competition I've participated in {just felt the need to brag a bit :p }.

I wish I had your eyes.... :?
 

Havocan

Well-known member
MotherWolff said:
I wish I had your eyes.... :?

Nah, it's really just a stupid habit/ability which seems of no further use. My eyes are blue-gray and actually very "boring" so be glad you have your own. I'm also short-sighted :p.
 
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