Can't Look people in the eyes
- Thread starter Cacophony
- Start date
moronsnail
New member
same.....................
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this_portrait
Well-known member
I used to not look people in the eyes AT ALL. I've been getting better at it, but I have trouble maintaining it. I'll look in the other person's eyes for a bit, then my own just start darting all over the place and back to their eyes again, etc. I come off as being really on edge, and the way others look at it, it's like it's painful for me to even look anyone in the eye or talk consistently without stuttering or mumbling or whatever. It kinda sucks.
A couple things
For me it's not a question of where you look it's a question of zoom, are you zooming in on the persons eyes or are you just letting your eyes go out of focus and looking in that person's general direction. I'll give you an example, when you are daydreaming do you always keep track of what you are looking at or do you lose focus? It's the same thing with a conversation, if you are really really interested in a conversation you'll barely remember where you had your eyes, usually only for short bursts. So to me it's not a question of where you place your eyes it's a question of how much attention you're paying to them.
I think what everyone is describing is sort of a negative feedback loop, where you try to defend against a certain outcome (looking weird with your gaze or lack of eye contact) and this causes the problem whereas when you weren't thinking about it it wasn't a problem. A couple things that might help, firstly I've had this problem where I completely made myself look weird with people and the more I tried to fix it the weirder I got. Just to let you know people will let **** slide. If you acted really weird and awkward they'll usually let it slide and not think to much of it even if you felt really uncomfortable. Trying to fight it wasn't really successful for me, if it's successful for some people that's great. I basically try to accept that it's going to happen and when it does I wont have a defense for it and it will do some damage so I might as well go communicate with people and expect to at least start off being awkward. Basically imagine yourself going to have a conversation, seeming a bit awkward at first and then slowly adjusting and people thinking to themselves "ok, he's feeling a bit socially awkward right now no big deal" and then as the conversation goes on people just forget about it because they were giving you slack to begin with and now you're starting to do better. And just try to forget about the problem as best you can, the more you think about it the more you try to fight it. Just say yeah it's going to hit me every now and then, just like how every now and then I'm going to accidentally say something insulting. If you spent all day every day worrying about saying something insulting you wouldn't have much to say. You'll get hit by things, it sucks I know.
For me it's not a question of where you look it's a question of zoom, are you zooming in on the persons eyes or are you just letting your eyes go out of focus and looking in that person's general direction. I'll give you an example, when you are daydreaming do you always keep track of what you are looking at or do you lose focus? It's the same thing with a conversation, if you are really really interested in a conversation you'll barely remember where you had your eyes, usually only for short bursts. So to me it's not a question of where you place your eyes it's a question of how much attention you're paying to them.
I think what everyone is describing is sort of a negative feedback loop, where you try to defend against a certain outcome (looking weird with your gaze or lack of eye contact) and this causes the problem whereas when you weren't thinking about it it wasn't a problem. A couple things that might help, firstly I've had this problem where I completely made myself look weird with people and the more I tried to fix it the weirder I got. Just to let you know people will let **** slide. If you acted really weird and awkward they'll usually let it slide and not think to much of it even if you felt really uncomfortable. Trying to fight it wasn't really successful for me, if it's successful for some people that's great. I basically try to accept that it's going to happen and when it does I wont have a defense for it and it will do some damage so I might as well go communicate with people and expect to at least start off being awkward. Basically imagine yourself going to have a conversation, seeming a bit awkward at first and then slowly adjusting and people thinking to themselves "ok, he's feeling a bit socially awkward right now no big deal" and then as the conversation goes on people just forget about it because they were giving you slack to begin with and now you're starting to do better. And just try to forget about the problem as best you can, the more you think about it the more you try to fight it. Just say yeah it's going to hit me every now and then, just like how every now and then I'm going to accidentally say something insulting. If you spent all day every day worrying about saying something insulting you wouldn't have much to say. You'll get hit by things, it sucks I know.
LazyHermitCrab
Well-known member
hmm i have the opposite problem.. like if someone wears sunglasses it makes me uncomfortable because i feel like they're hiding something >.> i like to see who i can trust even though it cant really tell you except sometimes?
snipes
Member
I hope your feeling better? I know your pain! I suffered with this problem for 10 years of my life and it nearly ruined me completely! Then I tried an excercise which worked and now my life has changed dramatically. I have started a blog to try and help others do the same and beat this horrible affliction...How to look in peoples eyes | How to look in peoples eyes, with no fear.... I hope I can help you and others as I helped myself.
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Hi, I'm new here...
You can just call me struggling, cause that's what I am right now.
Anywayz...
I have this problem, too. When I try to look someone in the eyes I accidentally look at their nose or mouth - It's a very awkward moment. I just look away real quick hoping they don't say anything about it.
Reading can be hard for me, too. I can read 4 or 5 lines, and not remember any detail from it. Having a short atteniton span, of course, does not help either.
It hasn't really affected any of my relationships that I currently have....but I'm not necessarily trying to make any more.
I don't take any meds because I hate the way they make me feel.
I had a a couple of jobs that I managed to hang onto for a while - but it wasn't easy.
Hard for me to feel like I can be taken serious when I don't maintain eye-conatact through a conversation, so I'm usually a p quite-keep-to myself kind of person.
Anyone else still having this problem?
Any improvement?
You can just call me struggling, cause that's what I am right now.
Anywayz...
I have this problem, too. When I try to look someone in the eyes I accidentally look at their nose or mouth - It's a very awkward moment. I just look away real quick hoping they don't say anything about it.
Reading can be hard for me, too. I can read 4 or 5 lines, and not remember any detail from it. Having a short atteniton span, of course, does not help either.
It hasn't really affected any of my relationships that I currently have....but I'm not necessarily trying to make any more.
I don't take any meds because I hate the way they make me feel.
I had a a couple of jobs that I managed to hang onto for a while - but it wasn't easy.
Hard for me to feel like I can be taken serious when I don't maintain eye-conatact through a conversation, so I'm usually a p quite-keep-to myself kind of person.
Anyone else still having this problem?
Any improvement?
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
Look at their nose or forehead.
That's what I do.
...either that, or I look 'through' them.
I don't think anyone notices.
That's what I do.
...either that, or I look 'through' them.
I don't think anyone notices.
I guess I could try that.
I always feel like I'm staring too intensely if I look at them longer than couple of secs.
Invisibleman
Well-known member
I have this problem too. Its not so bad if theyre kinda like me,looking at their eyes then away for a second then back then away and that sort of variation. But theres this one particular guy I talk to who stares you directly in the eye and his eyes dont move the entire time. Its so uncomfortable.
Apersonalan
Well-known member
I've had that problem too it's like they're burning a hole right into you and there's no escape! As weirdy says just look at their nose or forehead and it gives the appearance that your looking at their eyes, either that or they'll think there's something wrong with them.
So heh!
Apersonalan
Well-known member
Apersonalan
Well-known member
Very high tech stuff like in mission impossible.
So the lengths I will go to:
:I hate it the most when it's a girl. I had this happen to me about 2 months ago.
I was at the counter, as I finished having my teeth cleaned. My hygienist was propped against the wall(behind me) I turned around and I went all crazy eyed, cause I have an eye strain when I look at people; I don't identify things very easy when I go to look at them. I checked her body up-and-down twice when she made direct contact with me. I felt so embarrassed. My eyes move up and down real easy - I have to strain to keep them in one place. I feel horrible, and think she prolly hates me, and thinks I'm weird.
I don't know...::
I was at the counter, as I finished having my teeth cleaned. My hygienist was propped against the wall(behind me) I turned around and I went all crazy eyed, cause I have an eye strain when I look at people; I don't identify things very easy when I go to look at them. I checked her body up-and-down twice when she made direct contact with me. I felt so embarrassed. My eyes move up and down real easy - I have to strain to keep them in one place. I feel horrible, and think she prolly hates me, and thinks I'm weird.
I don't know...:
:
Insanewoman389
Well-known member
I can't look people in the eye either its one of my main problems! I mean sometimes when its just me and the other person with someone I'm comfortable with I can look them in the eye but its still hard.
Kellyrocka21
New member
Hi All:
This is causing me to have issues at jobs in gerneral. I do look people in the eyes, and I am very nosy so inbetween working if people are talking around me I do stop to listen or observe. Truely and honestly, I do have some form of depression or anxiety. But it doesnt help to not be able to keep a job, constistly having people think you are something you are not. Trying to figure what exactly to say to my agency in hopes that they might keep me.
This is causing me to have issues at jobs in gerneral. I do look people in the eyes, and I am very nosy so inbetween working if people are talking around me I do stop to listen or observe. Truely and honestly, I do have some form of depression or anxiety. But it doesnt help to not be able to keep a job, constistly having people think you are something you are not. Trying to figure what exactly to say to my agency in hopes that they might keep me.