Can't Look people in the eyes

[Rxqueen]

im exactly the same way...i can do it for a while but then i end up looking at random objects...or sometimes i'll just randomly look at ppl and they give me this glare and i'll look away...i suck at eye contact...

 

[JCS008]

It does get akward when looking someone in the eye, I normally just look at the spot in between their eyes. Just in case I feel uncomfortable or if I don't want to stare or make the other person feel uncomfortable.

 

[MotherWolff]

In some cultures looking people in the eyes is discouraged.

Yeah, but this isn't "some cultures" this is America(Western culture). And in Western cultures, looking people in the eyes is just as encouraged as being extroverted.

But Motherwolff understands what you mean. Too bad America(or other Western cultures) isn't like those "some cultures" where eye contact is offensive.

 

[Juliegoolie]

Hi,
I have this same problem. I know how shitty and akward things can get and how they fall apart just cause some strange thing that happens. When it happens with me but I just take a step back and relax. All you have to remember is that people do weird stuff all the time. And to smile, not a huge giant smile. Just calm and friendly. You said that it's like you look straight into their soul or something, this is a very good thing! It means you are connecting with someone and that your point of view is being taken into consideration; or vice versa. There is a connection being made. Now that you know this is completly normal just practice. Start with store clerks over small talk it's easier cause you don't know them so it doesn't matter. I would also think it would be a good thing to visit your mom if for the most part you have a good relationship with her, as she can probably help you out. You'll probably feel more at ease looking into her eyes as they where probably the first you've ever saw.

Avoiding people is the first step to sollitude.
Persever this obstacle and become that awesome guy you know you are!

 

[crestfallen.]

Eye contact's also a problem with me. When someone looks at me, their eyes seem so incisive and piercing. It's like they're staring through my eyes and into my soul, and I can't help but sense that they can tell if I'm uncomfortable...which of course, makes me even more uncomfortable. When I'm talking to someone, I'll alternate between bowing my head so that I'm sure of what they're saying (especially in loud places) and looking up to make eye contact.

And yeah, I agree with MotherWolff. Western culture is such that if someone doesn't make eye contact, people would tend to assume this person has something to hide...that is, if they don't assume they're being disrespected by this lack of eye contact.

 

[MotherWolff]

And to smile, not a huge giant smile. Just calm and friendly.

Motherwolff thinks its kinda creepy when she sees someone smiling(big-giant smiles with the teeth showing) ALL the time! Motherwolff thinks its unnatural. But how come its far more acceptable for people to smile such a strange smile(even if its fake) than to have a straight face or a broad frown(even if its real)? Humans are so odd to Motherwolff...

Eye contact's also a problem with me. When someone looks at me, their eyes seem so incisive and piercing. It's like they're staring through my eyes and into my soul, and I can't help but sense that they can tell if I'm uncomfortable...which of course, makes me even more uncomfortable. When I'm talking to someone, I'll alternate between bowing my head so that I'm sure of what they're saying (especially in loud places) and looking up to make eye contact.

And yeah, I agree with MotherWolff. Western culture is such that if someone doesn't make eye contact, people would tend to assume this person has something to hide...that is, if they don't assume they're being disrespected by this lack of eye contact.

Yes, even to this very day, Motherwolff still sucks(is bad at) at making direct eye contact. I can't help but feel the same way you do while I'm attempting to give someone eye contact with a "dead-on stare." Then I feel like I'm being rude sometimes. Motherwolff wants to discover a way to ease her poor eye contacting. Its a shame that such a humanly natural thing could be turned into an vicious obstacle for us.


Yep, that's Westernization for ya! But there's alot about Western culture that I do like. For example, its okay for females to dress in pants....In Middle Eastern cultures, such an act is considered a crime and deadly consequences can await you.

 

[CharleneProst]

I find that when I have built up enough comfort with someone it comes naturally. As soon as I start to doubt myself however, I start to worry about it and I lose the ability to maintain eye contact. It's almost like I'm afraid to make a real connection and if I do start to make a connection by accident then I sabbotage the whole thing. Really frustrating.

I think the worst thing you can do is obsess about it and then start "trying" to do it. I find when I do that it just feels weird and unnatural.

 

[MotherWolff]

I find that when I have built up enough comfort with someone it comes naturally. As soon as I start to doubt myself however, I start to worry about it and I lose the ability to maintain eye contact. It's almost like I'm afraid to make a real connection and if I do start to make a connection by accident then I sabbotage the whole thing. Really frustrating.

I think the worst thing you can do is obsess about it and then start "trying" to do it. I find when I do that it just feels weird and unnatural.

Motherwolff approves of the above comment.

I also find it far more natural to make eye contact with people I am very acquainted with(like my bro). Instead of new people. And when you do make eye contact it really is just best not to focus on it so much or it'll feel many more times uncomfortable. So keep working on your eye contacting, everyone!

Oh, and welcome to SPW, CharleneProst.

 

[clearmind]

Cacophony, first of all I thank you for starting such a thread. I am also suffering due to this problem for the last 10 years. I am 24 years old now. I didn't tell anyone about this problem(other than God). I always wondered why I was chosen to bear such a weird problem.....and am so much happy today because am able to share my problem with you guys. It all started when I was studying in the 10th standard....My class teacher(who was one of my favorite teachers), due to some misunderstanding didn't look to my face while teaching( I was seated on the first bench)....I felt real bad about this....I used to be the most attentive guy in the class....My teachers had told me that, if I am present in their class, then they don't need many students to deliver their lecture as I was a very good listener and I was a pet to all my teachers.....I always scored in the 75-90 % range. So after my class teacher started behaving to me in that way, all my attention were diverted in looking on to his face rather than listening to his speech(lecture).....This simple thing initiated a transformation in me which would change my life.....I started to look every teacher like that....suddenly none of them looked to my face while giving lecture, as I was unknowingly not listening to their lecture(I just stared at their face....because....all my concentration was focused on>>are they looking to my face or not?).....Suddenly I was transformed from the best listener to the Worst listener who instead of listening, is just stared at the teacher's face....which scared my teachers. To all my teachers, I became a headache....if I was present in the class, they all had a worse time giving lecture(imagine someone staring at you while you are talking to a group of people). I was in great depression....I didn't know at that time what did happen to me...my marks and grades came down....I struggled to get a pass in my subjects. After completing 10th when I was in my 11th standard(it was a new school....teachers were new) I thought everything would be fine. But there also nobody was looking to my face....so I started thinking....what happened to me?....am I not listening?....then I started to think about the listening process.....suddenly an idea came across my mind....all the other people(my friends and my relatives and other people except my teachers have no problem looking to my face while talking.....so whats the difference?....My god!....guess what....instead of solving the problem....it made it worse because now even my friends and relatives cant talk to me looking on my face(because I was concentrating on where to look and all....instead of listening...so to the other person....its like I am staring on them...and insulting them). From there onwards My life just changed....My friends who really liked me...said to me I have changed...they didn't want to talk to me......my relatives was not able to talk to me looking to my face......This made me so upset that I was scared to look on someones face because now I was worried that it will disturb them(sure it did if I do look to their face).....I am not the person who I used to be..This is not me....I am not behaving in situation in the way that I would if I didn't have this problem....I incurred pain to all my teachers whom I respected a lot in my mind but was not able to show this respect due to this problem(they all think that I don't give them any respect in my mind.....it affected their attitude towards me. all of them gave me very low internal marks). I completed my graduation in engineering but I am not able to get a job because in all other rounds I would do very well....but in the personal interview round am a BIG ZERO. I even thought of suicide as I am living a life which is not me....Only you people could understand me....nobody else.....To conclude I am in hell!.....I would like to chat and share with people with such problem. I am sorry if there are any mistakes in my English. My email id is [email protected]

 

[clearmind]

why no response to my above post?....come on people you are the guys that I could share my problem with...please do reply. Hoping a reply soon...take care.

 

[Jin]

cant eye contact with every new people i talk with..... especially to girls.... sometimes i can...if i wear my sunglasses....they cant see my eyes having contact with theirs....

 

[clearmind]

Thanks a lot Dub16 for ur reply...read ur pm too.......Am looking for someone to chat about this problem....so that we could share our experiences....and hope to find a solution......if some one is interested please message me....atleast I will be able to share what I am going through my life due to this problem

 

[spendogz]

I just wanted to chime in and let everyone know that (even though I don't wish this problem on anyone) it's refreshing to see all you people discussing this same issue that I'm dealing with. I've been suffering from this for the last year or so. It started at work and it's getting worse and worse. It's happening at home with my family. Even my own kids. Don't know what the root of the problem is. I'm starting to get really frustrated with it though. It seems people are starting to pick up on it and I think they're starting to feel uncomfortable talking to me. My conversations with people are getting shorter and shorter. I think I'm dwelling on it so bad that I'm fueling whatever it is with anxiety. It's starting to get real bad. But I love the advice everyone is giving out here about looking at the nose or eyebrows. I'm gonna try it.
I was wondering if anyone had the symptoms of their eyes getting blurry when they try to make eye contact? That's part of the issue for me also. I can't tell if it's actually a physical problem or if it's my brain tweaking so hard from the anxiety that my eyes are blurring out.
Also, I'm an ex-tweaker, druggie of the worst kind. But clean since 2007. I've done alot of shameful embarrassing things but not so sure any of it has anything to do with this problem or maybe it all does. But not sure why it would surface now instead of when I first got off the dope. Who knows?

Another thing is somebody mentioned something about, it's not me being unable to look someone in the eye but rather it's me not wanting someone else to look me in the eye. For fear of them seeing my depression inside of me. I think thats close to whats going on. Can anybody relate?

Maybe I should see a doctor and get on meds but I was hoping I could go without since I'm an ex-drug addict.

I'd love to hear anyone/everyone's opinion

God bless.

 

[206Raider]

I struggle with this too sometimes, usually when I'm walking somewhere down the street and you don't know where you should look, becuase you don't want to stare people in the eyes for a long time but if I make eye contact I usually give a head nod or say hi, it seems to work and people don't think your awkward then.

 

[Brokenx]

I have noticed i don't like to look people in the eyes, i don't know why i do this..

 

[Nocer]

i noticed that some people do not look me in the eyes, it makes me sad because i am thinking that there is something wrong with me because said person is uncomfortable around me

 

[206Raider]

I will say I can look at people in the eyes when I talk to them but other tha that it's hard for me. I think it's a douchebag move to stare somebody down anyway though, they are probably more insecure than us.

 

[Jannah]

I don't make eye contact with people much either unless I'm speaking to them or communicating in any way.

 

[Bemzy]

I had this problem as well (wasn't able to look people in the eyes) and it was a real bugger

What has helped me a lot is, when talking to somebody I always look them in one eye. More specifically the left eye.

Why the left eye? Well because my right eye is the dominant eye and I found that's really not that hard to keep eye contact with this technique.

 

[planemo]

I always thought my lack of eye contact can be due to having PDD-NOS and/or Non Verbal Learning Disorder. As I only have a hunch about having these two conditions I guess I cannot be totally sure as to exactly why I don't look people in the eye. It just feels too intimate, and too strong a habit for someone who does not easily show his emotions.