Buck up sissy pants!

cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
Today is a 'kid free day' for me. A weekday, my bedroom door shut, just me, the computer and the tv...and the folded laundry of my niece and nephew on my bed...I don't think I'd look good in a purple striped onesie - better put that away. ah anyhow..

:kickingmyself:

I stayed up til past 1 am ... just like a big person! It was cool. I watched The Big Bang Theory and a movie. Then I realized I couldn't go to sleep. What happens to me is that when I stay up past midnight, it's like I reboot or something and get my second wind. Then I am totally fine. Does that ever happen to you?

This entry is pointless, just like my browsing "The Onion" website is, but hey, that's where I get most of my news :bigsmile:

(I do segways well) Speaking of, here's a link to an 'article' I read on the onion:
Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I like a good laugh - but sad how the story probably is not far from the truth! lol

I fear opening my bedroom door thinking they will hear me and come running up the stairs with kids. How sad is that? For now, I can do without my morning coffee, until I develop the shakes - then I must feed the beast. I'll sneak downstairs when the coast is clear.

and so it goes
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
truffleshuffle said:
I my self have a problme keeping gass in my car as well and I love driving around listing to music when I am just needing some time to decompress when I can;t just go and drive I get on my media player and just listen to music and just decompress at home a bit. Its not the same but it helps a little.
just a little pick me up..BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY - YouTube
Click to expand...

@truffleshuffle...thanks for the Bright SunShiny Day :bigsmile:
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
Meh. Today was a crummy day. As was yesterday. I had my nephew and the newborn both sick - oh and I am sick too as i am their main caregiver.
Just a cold, but ya know how you feel with a cold - not exactly bad enough like the flu but you just feel crappy. I snapped several times at my brother, guess he could sense I was not feeling well. I finally told him, and he shut up. SIL was sulking this morning because she had to watch the kids. I went downstairs and was like, "good morning, how are you"
I got literally no reply except from my nephew who said hi to me and gave me a hug. SIL was too caught up in reading her book I guess. Sorry to have bothered her and sorry she had to watch her own kids.

I am having some financial difficulties and it has been overwhelming me lately. I feel like I can't even find time to find a job to make money to move out of here. I am totally out of the basics (shampoo, toothpaste, etc) it's just depressing right now and I know it'll get better. some day.

I wanted to put all my paintings up for sale to generate a bit of income but I can't even afford to put them on etsy or ebay or any other site to sell them. That's really pitiful.

I've pawned as much stuff as I the pawn shops will take of mine. The rest of the stuff that's in storage at someone's house I know, their son in law is living there and when I went through my things, I found a lot of it was rummaged through and stolen. I told them what happened and they apologized and said he steals from them for drugs.

I was thinking about it, I'd just as well kill myself but I can't afford that either. No money for pills, gun, sharp knife, no money to buy some sturdy rope to hang myself...I can't even get that right.

How lame I am.

Oh well...as the wise ones say, 'this too shall pass'

hope it's soon cuz I am about to just give up on it all and say to hell with life. Darn, I can't even afford to get gas in my car to just pack a few essentials and ride off into the sunset.

I know a lot of us on SPW have it much, much worse and some are coping OK and some are doing quite well. Some are even experiencing what I am and I know this seems trivial stuff to worry about, but without going into everything there is so much more it seems.

My sister, who lives in WA state, got into a fender bender with the neighbor's garage door and they have to pay for the damage, then their car wouldn't start, and she is even more depressed than I am. She's on 100 mg. of some anti-depressant and the highest level of MG is 200 mg. I am worried about her. I don't want her to go through depression and there's nothing I can do, my hands are tied right now and I should, of all people, be the one helping her, and that makes me sad. I am sad for her.

This is just me emptying my mind of some clutter for the day. As the old saying goes, tomorrow's another day.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
cowboyup said:
Meh. Today was a crummy day. As was yesterday. I had my nephew and the newborn both sick - oh and I am sick too as i am their main caregiver.
Just a cold, but ya know how you feel with a cold - not exactly bad enough like the flu but you just feel crappy. I snapped several times at my brother, guess he could sense I was not feeling well. I finally told him, and he shut up. SIL was sulking this morning because she had to watch the kids. I went downstairs and was like, "good morning, how are you"
I got literally no reply except from my nephew who said hi to me and gave me a hug. SIL was too caught up in reading her book I guess. Sorry to have bothered her and sorry she had to watch her own kids.
Click to expand...
You do too much for your sister-in-law. I have a cold right now, too, and it's crappy. Just get better and worry about yourself.


cowboyup said:
I am having some financial difficulties and it has been overwhelming me lately. I feel like I can't even find time to find a job to make money to move out of here. I am totally out of the basics (shampoo, toothpaste, etc) it's just depressing right now and I know it'll get better. some day.

I wanted to put all my paintings up for sale to generate a bit of income but I can't even afford to put them on etsy or ebay or any other site to sell them. That's really pitiful.

I've pawned as much stuff as I the pawn shops will take of mine. The rest of the stuff that's in storage at someone's house I know, their son in law is living there and when I went through my things, I found a lot of it was rummaged through and stolen. I told them what happened and they apologized and said he steals from them for drugs.
Click to expand...
Wow, this is all so sad. I would be happy to PayPal a small amount of money to you if you are really that desperate.
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
You do too much for your sister-in-law. I have a cold right now, too, and it's crappy. Just get better and worry about yourself.

Yes, I'm gonna take advantage of the weekend 'time off' and hit the hay early :)

Wow, this is all so sad. I would be happy to PayPal a small amount of money to you if you are really that desperate.
Click to expand...

@Mikey - aww that's sweet of you, but I've been through worse and just when I hit bottom, something good happens. Meanwhile, it's just, well, blah feeling, ya know?
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
cowboyup said:
@Mikey - aww that's sweet of you, but I've been through worse and just when I hit bottom, something good happens. Meanwhile, it's just, well, blah feeling, ya know?
Click to expand...
I do know, yeah. The only way from here is up, I would hope.
 
truffleshuffle

truffleshuffle

Well-known member
cowboyup said:
I am having some financial difficulties and it has been overwhelming me lately. I feel like I can't even find time to find a job to make money to move out of here. I am totally out of the basics (shampoo, toothpaste, etc) it's just depressing right now and I know it'll get better. some day.

I wanted to put all my paintings up for sale to generate a bit of income but I can't even afford to put them on etsy or ebay or any other site to sell them. That's really pitiful.

I've pawned as much stuff as I the pawn shops will take of mine. The rest of the stuff that's in storage at someone's house I know, their son in law is living there and when I went through my things, I found a lot of it was rummaged through and stolen. I told them what happened and they apologized and said he steals from them for drugs.

I was thinking about it, I'd just as well kill myself but I can't afford that either. No money for pills, gun, sharp knife, no money to buy some sturdy rope to hang myself...I can't even get that right.

How lame I am.

Oh well...as the wise ones say, 'this too shall pass'

hope it's soon cuz I am about to just give up on it all and say to hell with life. Darn, I can't even afford to get gas in my car to just pack a few essentials and ride off into the sunset.

I know a lot of us on SPW have it much, much worse and some are coping OK and some are doing quite well. Some are even experiencing what I am and I know this seems trivial stuff to worry about, but without going into everything there is so much more it seems.

My sister, who lives in WA state, got into a fender bender with the neighbor's garage door and they have to pay for the damage, then their car wouldn't start, and she is even more depressed than I am. She's on 100 mg. of some anti-depressant and the highest level of MG is 200 mg. I am worried about her. I don't want her to go through depression and there's nothing I can do, my hands are tied right now and I should, of all people, be the one helping her, and that makes me sad. I am sad for her.

This is just me emptying my mind of some clutter for the day. As the old saying goes, tomorrow's another day.
Click to expand...

I know about the money problmes. I too am basicly broke. I have already gotten a over drawn notice this month and that was before I had paid two bills i have still to pay. It started two months ago when I had to get my car repaired and its now catching up to me. I just hope it works out for both of us. and you are right Tomorrow's another day.
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
Well, I said I was not going to do the black Friday thing, I never have had an interest, even when I had money, but today I went just to watch the kids. Gosh, I am such a nice person. *sarcasm*

SIL kept shoving sales papers in my face "look there's a sale here and there"....
I finally told her I don't have any $, I don't need anything, but I will go to help you watch the kids.

She must have felt guilty or something, she gave me $ to 'spend on myself'...In the back of my mind I was saying, "yay, I can pay this month's car insurance"
So store after store, when she kept going, 'is there anything you want to look at or a particular store to go to' and my answer was no thanks, she then started picking clothes out for me. I said, that's nice but I am good, thanks.

Finally giving in to my anxieties of crowds, and of all the da*n greediness of people and rudness, and germs, I ducked into a bathroom to try to take a breather....clearing my head cuz I began to feel lightheaded and dizzy. I just can't do the crowds like others can. I tried to calm myself down as much as I could without having full blown panic attack, but I started crying right there in the 3rd stall in the ladies room, how embarassing.

(there's more, but it's the s.s.d.d. stuff)

anyhow shortly after my brother came to the mall to get my nephew as they were going off -roading with a friend he called SIL cuz they got flat tire.

Then SIL's shopping extravaganza came to a screeching halt when Brother called saying they had flat tire in middle of the desert. So there was my nephew, brother and brother's friend all stranded in the desert. SIL and I had to rush home, get tools (brother broke a tool trying to change his flat tire) then to auto part store then book it out to the desert and sit and sit and wait for them .... out there is also where people go shooting so we 'had to stay in the car' (like it's bulletproof?) lol

so I am safely back home where I belong and do not wish to ever repeat that again. To me, going out in the madness of what has become an 'american tradition' is very scary and I am so happy to be home.

I think next year I will go to a calm and quiet and LESS crowded park to take peaceful pictures of ducks and stuff - that will be MY 'black Friday'
 
L

laure15

Well-known member
I also spent time crying in public bathrooms several times. After jury duty was over, I went to the bathroom and cried, felt so much better afterwards because it's all over.sat on

2-3 years ago, I also spent time crying in a hospital lounge. I was supposed to be volunteering at the hospital on that day, which happened to be my birthday as well, but instead I skipped out on my shift. I went to sit on a hidden corner and cried. One of the worst birthdays ever. No one to celebrate with me or talk to.
 
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cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
I have a lot to say and nothing to say today.

My mind seems to be racing at a thousand miles an hr with things I should be doing, school, where I am at in life and how disappointed I am with myself. I tried to 'compile' a list of things I should be thankful for like no real health issues like cancer, diabetes, or high blood pressure. I have a roof over my head and food and clothes. I even have a phone and electricity. Sounds like the last 2 should be taken for granted these days but when I was growing up having the basics like food, electricity, hot water, a phone, each month, these things were hit and miss.

So I should be really happy, content and everything should be OK, right?
nope.
That's what disheartens me about myself. I have no reason to be fearful of going into public places, people or crowds. I shouldn't have to feel like, "oh god, when is the next panic attack going to happen" or what I am facing now: I have to return something at a store and I plan to wait til just before they close so there is not many people in the store because I get so embarassed to return something like they automatically think I am returning it cuz I need the money (in some cases it was true) but I picked the wrong size - I didn't read label good I guess - but I am fearful of returning it.

Why do such little things have to be so completely blown out of proportion with me - I hate that.

Give me a "real" crisis any time and I am all over it with calmness and confidence, but doing the mundane 'little' things, and I freak out. I feel so stupid. I feel ugly. I feel fat - like a busted can of biscuits - I wish I had my figure back, I take such ugly pictures. SIL snapped one of me the other day with my niece in my lap and I look so gross and ugly.

I got lightheaded earlier about the fact that I have to go to the store today to pick up my refilled rx for anxiety - yet have to try and talk myself though the steps of getting out of the house, driving and thinking about the route I will take before hand and hope like he!! there is not much traffic.

I have tons of photos I took over the years and I want to try to sell some of them along with some of my paintings but I am afraid that they are not good enough and if I 'put them out there' people will laugh at how ugly they are. Right now, though, it's the only means I have to bring in some money right now.

See...my thoughts are scattered and I don't even know where to begin to organize them.


and so it goes...
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
I must be pms-y or something. I need to get gas in the car to get to school tomorrow - so I go out, get in the car, and I get this irritation or ___ something that I simply don't want to go in public today - even something as simple as getting gas in the car made me in a bad mood. I simply don't feel like dealing with people or anything. Dumb, right?

Probably just an off day - I haven't been outside all weekend. I have this crappy "I don't care" attitude today and I feel like cleaning out my closet, getting rid of everything and throwing the paintings away, cuz the more I stare at them, the more uglier they become. Just get rid of every da*n thing and be done with it. Who needs crap lying around just taking up space.

I see my thought process is off too...I am going to extremes today - oh well, I gotta remember to just breathe and know tomorrow is another day.
 
L

laure15

Well-known member
Yeah, I have days like this when I shift from one extreme to another. And, when I used to drive, I made the effort to get gas at different stations at different times because I don't want the cashiers to recognize me. I go at different times, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night or afternoon. Must be my avpd.
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
I got a text from someone I have known for a long time. The only person that has stuck around through my highs and lows. Now, this person just got a job offer in NYC. I am happy for him, and he's worked hard to get to where he is at in life but all of a sudden I feel terribly sad. Selfish, yeah. But if he leaves then that's it. Every friend from my past (school days) or a couple of friends I've been able to hold on to, have either moved, died, live in another state, or in 1 extreme case, now in prison for the rest of her life.

Although I am sad, I am happy that he has an opportunity to go to NY and have a job waiting for him. And on the other side of that coin, a part of me is "well, another person is gone, meh, I am used to people leaving." "someone else is leaving, so what's new"

then I realize just how selfish of a gesture that is and really immature on my part to think that. After all, it's not like maybe one of these days when I am more 'stabilized' - for lack of better word, I can always visit.

Just a plane ride away. Though it is not definite right now that he will be moving, but considering the fact that he is out of work at present, literally handed a job, whether in another state or whatever, and since he has no wife, children to uproot and his parents are completely supportive of him, it would be in his best interest to go forth and conquer :)

And After 'over-analyzing' my sudden sadness....
My SA has become more forefront with me since losing my job. Medical issues (thank goodness not severe) have also been adding to my situation. Mid-life crisis, Adrenal fatigue, early peri-menopause, and lowered immune system - I think mainly these things stem more from being out of work, feelings of low-self esteem and of course the SA and panic attacks have contributed to a lot of what I am feeling. Now, after re-reading this paragraph, I sound like I am pushing blame on other things, and to a degree, I guess I am, but I still can't just 'snap out of it' as you guys well know, it doesn't work that way.

In my past, I've been able to keep myself (and my mind) busy and occupied with work and college and before SA hit hard, a relatively normal social life. Believe it or not, I have a great work ethic, but somewhere, I got off track when I lost my job and the silence is deafening. I exercise a couple times a week, I have my painting and photography, and lately, I am trying to push myself a little at a time, out of my comfort zone. Plus I am going back to college. But still there are too many holes in my 24 hours that keeps my mind thinking, dissecting every thought I have or what others think of me. From there it just escalates out of control. I am disappointed in myself.

I know lately I've been whiny and in the oh poor me attitude, but for my sake (and others) I have to start to take control and get my act together.

But still, for now, I am both sad and happy. Huh, I didn't really think it was possible to feel this way from such extreme ends of the spectrum.
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
What's with everyone wanting to be called a nerd or geek these days?
Ever notice that? I went to the mall the other day looking to get my sister something and I went into Claire's and they had a lot of merchandise with the words 'geek' and 'nerd' on them. Eh, just an observation.

*and of course it was so, so crowded there I ran to the bathroom to get out of the people crowd, try to calm down, and I found myself digging my fingernails into the palm of my hand.*
 
cowboyup

cowboyup

Well-known member
oh darn! (I'm secretly thinking a lot worse but...)

I feel good that I helped my NY friend but now I'm thinking, 'hmm, it would be kinda cool to keep up to date with him via FB'

But then I think, 'oh god, noooo...I can't do that. It'd only make me anxious and depressed looking at it'

why is it that how FB makes me feel - I mean if I really pick it apart, I should not feel that way, it's ridiculous but even the thought of looking at the FB page with all the updates, etc. makes me shake, even now.

pleh.
 
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