cowboyup
Well-known member
Well, this is official; I am going to start writing here, journaling, whatever you want to call it. It may not be on a regular basis but I am going to give it a shot 
Lately I have been experiencing emotions I've never dealt with before. Some very personal things I will be sharing here, perhaps TMI for some - but I hear it is quite cathartic. So here goes!
A little about me, if you don’t know….I’ve had SA/Panic Attacks for quite some time. They became worse after my mom’s death in 2004. Growing up, my mother was a workaholic to stay out of the house because dad was an alcoholic/drug addict and took many trips to Las Vegas to gamble our rent money away. He was also very abusive – both physically and mentally – to my mom and mentally abusive to me and my siblings. I was not allowed to finish high school or get my drivers license because it simply was an inconvenience and I had to babysit my brother and sister. So far as to that their cribs were in my room. So, that was my childhood, watching kids, doing ‘grown up’ stuff, but yet not developing the social skills if that makes sense. My one and only ‘real’ friend is now in prison for the rest of her life because she, at the age of 18, helped kill and burn a man along with her boyfriend. Yup – I am not such a good judge of character. And it shows today.
Onto my mom’s death, which was sudden but I calmly called my brother who was living in another state at the time and left a voice message that calmly said, “well, I just wanted to let you know mom just died” …. That was it. From a very early age, I never had experienced emotion. I did not associate with many people, at work it was, “hi, how are you?” and that was about it. I was brought up to believe that when you are at work, you work, it’s not a time to socialize or talk…just work. And work and work and work. I worked at a nursing home as a live in 6 days a week, and turned over my whole paycheck to my parents. No questions asked.
I could go on and on…but it’s essentially a moot point.
Onto 2005.. my mother had just passed away suddenly, my sister and I moved in with my brother in another state and I literally donated and threw away essentially all of the stuff we had in the house. It was on impulse but I just wasn’t in a good frame of mind.
So, in Vegas, luckily, I found a good job at the university and soon found myself getting mixed up with a married man –a co-worker no less. BAD BAD MOVE! I was basically acting like a teenager on the loose in a town that was VEGAS BABY!
This guy I was seeing – well, I knew it was just lust, we were meeting our needs and he understood my SA and didn’t shy away from it. But then he introduced me to BDSM. I was into BDSM so much that I ended up going to a therapist. And yes, real dungeons DO exist here.
I did things I did not think I was (nor anyone else) was capable of. Well, after the economy tanked so did my job. Funny thing was that I didn’t have any tendencies to ‘stalk him on facebook’ or drive by his house, none of that. We ‘broke up’ went our separate ways, and that was it for us. I believe that was NOT LOVE. I have not looked back since. Side note: his aunt is Jane Ann Krentz the author and he gets 100,000 each year from her on top of his 70,000 job. Sorry – it’s just so weird that if his aunt found out, his $ would be gone. Hmmm…. Nope, just kidding I will not tell.
Present time… well, I had to move in with my brother because the money ran out quickly after I lost my job and now am working as their babysitter. I also am trying to finish college. My sister in law is 6 months pregnant and just lost her job as well so things are going to be tight around here…I feel almost obligated to stay here to help out – but since age 11 I’ve taken care of kids, my parents, and neighborhood kids, handed over my whole paychecks to parents and now I feel stuck. Stuck that I feel obligated to stay and help out but I so very much want my own life too…
Now, I am facing some emotions that are perplexing to me, I’ve never felt this way before and have nobody to talk to. (Psychiatrists cost lots $) Though I was able to go to my general doctor who prescribed an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds for me. I briefly talked to him, but as you know, time is limited with a GP doctor whose waiting room is filled with 10 other patients.
I met this guy, introduced from a co-worker in 2007. He is younger than me. Intelligent. Takes awesome photos, and we’ve had a FWB thing going on for a while. I was OK with it – again, our needs were met. I knew he was seeing others, I wasn’t but that was just me. I had a child to raise (nephew) and ‘nanny’ duties so my days are filled.
So, this guy, once in a while would say things that kind of caught me off guard, like he was depressed, having panic attacks, because he was rejected by a girl he was in love with. Well, at first I fought my feelings – thinking to myself that it was just PMS or whatever. But these feelings grew. Plus I knew he was seeing others – I mean for crying out loud, he photographs burlesque, fashion shows, models, nudes, all the “fun Vegas stuff”…..if you get my drift.
Well, finally I confronted my real feelings towards him and told him that I, too, love him. Mind you , I have NEVER done anything or felt this way before. But since getting it out in the open, I feel better that I told him and even though he told me he still has to ‘get over’ this girl, he appreciated me being honest (uh ok whatever….)
Point is: I have learned (still learning) that even though I felt crummy each day it is getting a little easier to handle as I have broken contact with him because I feel it is best.
OK, so I now feel even better that I got this out in the open.
Yes, this is cathartic!
Right now, I really feel I need to focus on ME, getting a real job, getting out and back on my feet, trying (though very difficult for me) to meet people and not have the ‘I don’t care, I want to be alone’ attitude.
But I want to take a break from the ‘boy scene’ for now. I don’t think I do that part very well – at least not right now.
Lately I have been experiencing emotions I've never dealt with before. Some very personal things I will be sharing here, perhaps TMI for some - but I hear it is quite cathartic. So here goes!A little about me, if you don’t know….I’ve had SA/Panic Attacks for quite some time. They became worse after my mom’s death in 2004. Growing up, my mother was a workaholic to stay out of the house because dad was an alcoholic/drug addict and took many trips to Las Vegas to gamble our rent money away. He was also very abusive – both physically and mentally – to my mom and mentally abusive to me and my siblings. I was not allowed to finish high school or get my drivers license because it simply was an inconvenience and I had to babysit my brother and sister. So far as to that their cribs were in my room. So, that was my childhood, watching kids, doing ‘grown up’ stuff, but yet not developing the social skills if that makes sense. My one and only ‘real’ friend is now in prison for the rest of her life because she, at the age of 18, helped kill and burn a man along with her boyfriend. Yup – I am not such a good judge of character. And it shows today.
Onto my mom’s death, which was sudden but I calmly called my brother who was living in another state at the time and left a voice message that calmly said, “well, I just wanted to let you know mom just died” …. That was it. From a very early age, I never had experienced emotion. I did not associate with many people, at work it was, “hi, how are you?” and that was about it. I was brought up to believe that when you are at work, you work, it’s not a time to socialize or talk…just work. And work and work and work. I worked at a nursing home as a live in 6 days a week, and turned over my whole paycheck to my parents. No questions asked.
I could go on and on…but it’s essentially a moot point.
Onto 2005.. my mother had just passed away suddenly, my sister and I moved in with my brother in another state and I literally donated and threw away essentially all of the stuff we had in the house. It was on impulse but I just wasn’t in a good frame of mind.
So, in Vegas, luckily, I found a good job at the university and soon found myself getting mixed up with a married man –a co-worker no less. BAD BAD MOVE! I was basically acting like a teenager on the loose in a town that was VEGAS BABY!
This guy I was seeing – well, I knew it was just lust, we were meeting our needs and he understood my SA and didn’t shy away from it. But then he introduced me to BDSM. I was into BDSM so much that I ended up going to a therapist. And yes, real dungeons DO exist here.
I did things I did not think I was (nor anyone else) was capable of. Well, after the economy tanked so did my job. Funny thing was that I didn’t have any tendencies to ‘stalk him on facebook’ or drive by his house, none of that. We ‘broke up’ went our separate ways, and that was it for us. I believe that was NOT LOVE. I have not looked back since. Side note: his aunt is Jane Ann Krentz the author and he gets 100,000 each year from her on top of his 70,000 job. Sorry – it’s just so weird that if his aunt found out, his $ would be gone. Hmmm…. Nope, just kidding I will not tell.
Present time… well, I had to move in with my brother because the money ran out quickly after I lost my job and now am working as their babysitter. I also am trying to finish college. My sister in law is 6 months pregnant and just lost her job as well so things are going to be tight around here…I feel almost obligated to stay here to help out – but since age 11 I’ve taken care of kids, my parents, and neighborhood kids, handed over my whole paychecks to parents and now I feel stuck. Stuck that I feel obligated to stay and help out but I so very much want my own life too…
Now, I am facing some emotions that are perplexing to me, I’ve never felt this way before and have nobody to talk to. (Psychiatrists cost lots $) Though I was able to go to my general doctor who prescribed an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds for me. I briefly talked to him, but as you know, time is limited with a GP doctor whose waiting room is filled with 10 other patients.
I met this guy, introduced from a co-worker in 2007. He is younger than me. Intelligent. Takes awesome photos, and we’ve had a FWB thing going on for a while. I was OK with it – again, our needs were met. I knew he was seeing others, I wasn’t but that was just me. I had a child to raise (nephew) and ‘nanny’ duties so my days are filled.
So, this guy, once in a while would say things that kind of caught me off guard, like he was depressed, having panic attacks, because he was rejected by a girl he was in love with. Well, at first I fought my feelings – thinking to myself that it was just PMS or whatever. But these feelings grew. Plus I knew he was seeing others – I mean for crying out loud, he photographs burlesque, fashion shows, models, nudes, all the “fun Vegas stuff”…..if you get my drift.
Well, finally I confronted my real feelings towards him and told him that I, too, love him. Mind you , I have NEVER done anything or felt this way before. But since getting it out in the open, I feel better that I told him and even though he told me he still has to ‘get over’ this girl, he appreciated me being honest (uh ok whatever….)
Point is: I have learned (still learning) that even though I felt crummy each day it is getting a little easier to handle as I have broken contact with him because I feel it is best.
OK, so I now feel even better that I got this out in the open.
Yes, this is cathartic!
Right now, I really feel I need to focus on ME, getting a real job, getting out and back on my feet, trying (though very difficult for me) to meet people and not have the ‘I don’t care, I want to be alone’ attitude.
But I want to take a break from the ‘boy scene’ for now. I don’t think I do that part very well – at least not right now.
