cowboyup
Well-known member
I know, quite a cliche, right?
past few days I've been trying to stay out of the crosshairs and stay in my room, but tonight I have a class so that'll get me out of the house for a while, so that's good!
Buck up sissy pants!
- Thread starter cowboyup
- Start date
I know, quite a cliche, right?
past few days I've been trying to stay out of the crosshairs and stay in my room, but tonight I have a class so that'll get me out of the house for a while, so that's good!
cowboyup
Well-known member
Just wanted to get a couple things off my mind (hoping it will ease my 3-day old migraine)
1. I am making a conscious effort to organize my classwork this semester so I don't get the feeling of being overwhelmed - I do it to myself, nobody to blame but me and I am the only one who can fix it.
2. I am secretly glad my SIL is no longer pregnant. While she was, she kept going on and on about all the stuff she couldn't have. No spaghetti-o's with franks, no deli meat due to listeria possibility, no green tea, and on and on and on. But she didn't worry about going to fast food places and soda! Now she can eat whatever she wants without her asking my brother "should I eat this or not"
seriously, it was getting on my nerves. How in the hell did our chain smoking, processed food parents give birth to us who were born in the 60s and 70s? LOL I turned out fine...<as I twitch>
3. I want to eat some of that yummy smelling food SIL's grandma is making but I don't want to go down there and awkwardly linger around til it's done.
I could go get some water and see how it's coming along! haha
4. Today was my nephew's first day of pre-school. I took a pic. I wasn't emotional but rather happy that he is going to get to socialize with peers. I hope he doesn't develop SA or anything related. I'd never wish this on anyone.
OK, that helped!
And so it goes, my saucy SPW friends
1. I am making a conscious effort to organize my classwork this semester so I don't get the feeling of being overwhelmed - I do it to myself, nobody to blame but me and I am the only one who can fix it.
2. I am secretly glad my SIL is no longer pregnant. While she was, she kept going on and on about all the stuff she couldn't have. No spaghetti-o's with franks, no deli meat due to listeria possibility, no green tea, and on and on and on. But she didn't worry about going to fast food places and soda! Now she can eat whatever she wants without her asking my brother "should I eat this or not"
seriously, it was getting on my nerves. How in the hell did our chain smoking, processed food parents give birth to us who were born in the 60s and 70s? LOL I turned out fine...<as I twitch>
3. I want to eat some of that yummy smelling food SIL's grandma is making but I don't want to go down there and awkwardly linger around til it's done.
I could go get some water and see how it's coming along! haha
4. Today was my nephew's first day of pre-school. I took a pic. I wasn't emotional but rather happy that he is going to get to socialize with peers. I hope he doesn't develop SA or anything related. I'd never wish this on anyone.
OK, that helped!
And so it goes, my saucy SPW friends
MikeyC
Well-known member
Haha. I think my mother smoked when pregnant with my brother and I, and we both turned out healthy, as well. At least now she can eat whatever without bugging you or anyone about it.
cowboyup
Well-known member
interesting:
50 questions that will free your mind
This article courtesy of the fantastic team over at Marc and Angel Hack Life - Practical Tips for Productive Living
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
50 questions that will free your mind
This article courtesy of the fantastic team over at Marc and Angel Hack Life - Practical Tips for Productive Living
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
cowboyup
Well-known member
I don't know if I have completely bought the farm or maybe I am now realizing I am actually a human, capable of human emotions and have discovered the wonders of sentiment.
I was watching the last episode of In Plain Sight the other night, catching up on my DVR programs and at the end of the show, I started to cry. I know...cry? I couldn't believe it myself. "Good Lord, my eyes were leaking"....
What the frak?
anyhoo...the main character, Mary Shannon, started with her VO part and I wrote it down; it was profound or struck a cord with me or perhaps I should be fitted for a straight jacket, IDK.
here it is:
In Plain Sight, S05 E08
One of the saddest things I ever saw was a shoebox of photos at a swap meet. Fifty cents for the box. Someone's entire life in a tattered, yellowed box; pictures that you just know were moved from attic to basement to attic again only to wind up on a crappy card table in Gallop.
Nobody likes letting go, from our earliest moments, from birth til we're 6 feet under. Our instinct is to grab, grip, cling to a finger, a bottle, a best friend, to an old racing form. Sometimes we hold on for dear life to the very things that keep us from actually living it. But that comes with an upside. It's the way we feel when we finally let go. The trick, I guess, is to not find a way around the curve balls life serves up, but to live with them and half way happy, uneasy alliance and to search for new things to cling to and when you finally find them to hang onto just as tight and around and around we go holding onto it until the time comes to say goodbye. And like it or not, ready or not, you have to accept one universal truth - life is messy-always and for all of us. But a wise man once said maybe messy is what you need and I think he might be right.
I was watching the last episode of In Plain Sight the other night, catching up on my DVR programs and at the end of the show, I started to cry. I know...cry? I couldn't believe it myself. "Good Lord, my eyes were leaking"....
What the frak?
anyhoo...the main character, Mary Shannon, started with her VO part and I wrote it down; it was profound or struck a cord with me or perhaps I should be fitted for a straight jacket, IDK.
here it is:
In Plain Sight, S05 E08
One of the saddest things I ever saw was a shoebox of photos at a swap meet. Fifty cents for the box. Someone's entire life in a tattered, yellowed box; pictures that you just know were moved from attic to basement to attic again only to wind up on a crappy card table in Gallop.
Nobody likes letting go, from our earliest moments, from birth til we're 6 feet under. Our instinct is to grab, grip, cling to a finger, a bottle, a best friend, to an old racing form. Sometimes we hold on for dear life to the very things that keep us from actually living it. But that comes with an upside. It's the way we feel when we finally let go. The trick, I guess, is to not find a way around the curve balls life serves up, but to live with them and half way happy, uneasy alliance and to search for new things to cling to and when you finally find them to hang onto just as tight and around and around we go holding onto it until the time comes to say goodbye. And like it or not, ready or not, you have to accept one universal truth - life is messy-always and for all of us. But a wise man once said maybe messy is what you need and I think he might be right.
Dinosaur
Well-known member
Just read this entire thread and have to say my life seems even more boring than it did before! But a big congrats to you for how you put your thought and emotions into words,i envy you in this way as its one thing i really struggle to do...
I enjoyed reading it as i can relate to alot of what you are going thru apart from the migranes,hope they get better
Good stuff on trying to turn your life around,stick at it
I enjoyed reading it as i can relate to alot of what you are going thru apart from the migranes,hope they get better
Good stuff on trying to turn your life around,stick at it
cowboyup
Well-known member
Lately I have been just taking one baby step at a time but I have to learn how to control over-thinking about everything and everyone but when my tiny mind wanders...
So I am doing this college thing, it's tough for me because I feel so dumb in comparison to the others. I used to be able to hold my own in a conversation but anymore I feel like I just blankly stare and nod. I take mental notes on what people say, then when I get home I google what I remember in hopes to learn more about what they said - like what their current take is on politics, what we are studying in class, an event going on in the city, anything. Then I end up asking more questions than adding to a conversation and people look at me like I am a complete dork. Where did my conversation skills go?
People have told me I am intelligent but then I wonder why I feel like an idiot
it's like they are just saying that because they don't want to offend the dumb girl.
and so it goes.
So I am doing this college thing, it's tough for me because I feel so dumb in comparison to the others. I used to be able to hold my own in a conversation but anymore I feel like I just blankly stare and nod. I take mental notes on what people say, then when I get home I google what I remember in hopes to learn more about what they said - like what their current take is on politics, what we are studying in class, an event going on in the city, anything. Then I end up asking more questions than adding to a conversation and people look at me like I am a complete dork. Where did my conversation skills go?
People have told me I am intelligent but then I wonder why I feel like an idiot
it's like they are just saying that because they don't want to offend the dumb girl.
and so it goes.
xDreamseller
Well-known member
interesting:
50 questions that will free your mind
This article courtesy of the fantastic team over at Marc and Angel Hack Life - Practical Tips for Productive Living
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
I'm 19 but feel/act like a 13 year old.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I'm tending towards failing being worse.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Scared of change I guess
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Definitely
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
The people in it
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Then everyone would be poor
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I only live by one rule. As long as it doesn't hurt others, it's fine. So I guess I just do whatever.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
Don't think I would do anything different. I haven't thought that far ahead as it is.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
Not at all really
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I don't really care, as long as everything works out fine for me in the end.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I wouldn't be having a lunch like that anyway :
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Have fun with those first 10 years, they're the best.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Of course...I'd push a bus load of orphans off a cliff to save someone I loved.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Nope
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I like to think my mind is wired differently
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
I seem to be pretty content with my life right now. Not many people would be happy just walking in the rain in T-shirt and shorts for an hour
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Learn to swim. I would do anything to not take my shirt off in public
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I hate my parents for moving house when I was 6.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
The USA. It's awesome
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Just once.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Ignorance is bliss, right?
22. Why are you, you?
I dunno, but I don't like it
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I would like to think so
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
I've only every lost touch with a friend (my best friend) who lives near me and that sucked.
25. What are you most grateful for?
My parents. For sure
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Never make new ones. My childhood was great
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
I don't think there even is such thing as the truth anymore.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, when I was 6.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
I've never been really upset
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Hanging out with my neighbor when I was 6. I remember the ice lollies we ate and chasing the wasps that lived in her backyard. She made it awesome
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
Never
32. If not now, then when?
Never
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Nothing
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Not recently anyway
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Everyone has a price
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
There's no such thing as good and evil
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
I'm a student currently and for a million, I wouldn't quit University.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
If I really enjoyed it, then it wouldn't really be work
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Ask me that 4 weeks ago and that's because I had lived the same day 100 times. In fact it was more like 300 days. (Boring gap year)
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I've never strongly believed in anything
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
My parents
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
I would reduce my life expectancy by 30 years for that.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Living is fun
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
When the juice is worth the squeeze. (Favorite movie quote)
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Sometimes the lesson isn't worth the price we pay
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
I would blast music as loud as I could, everywhere I went
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Sometime earlier today
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Sunny day, cold drink and just starring at clouds. Or driving way beyond the speed limit. I don't express feelings.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
I can't remember what I had for lunch today, never mind 5 years ago
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
As long as the answers benefit me, I don't care who makes them
Kinda long post, but I saw the questions and thought I'd answer them. Might let you regulars get to know me a little.
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cowboyup
Well-known member
cowboyup
Well-known member
Just read this entire thread and have to say my life seems even more boring than it did before! But a big congrats to you for how you put your thought and emotions into words,i envy you in this way as its one thing i really struggle to do...
I enjoyed reading it as i can relate to alot of what you are going thru apart from the migranes,hope they get better
Good stuff on trying to turn your life around,stick at it
Thanks, Dinosaur, for stopping by
xDreamseller
Well-known member
OH, I forgot to say, your life sounds very interesting from your posts cowboyup. The replies to those questions is my life story. Moved house and spend my time starring into space.
What are you doing at college? (You've probably said somewhere, but I've been up all night, it's 7:30am and I'm tired) It's good that you're trying to do things for yourself and "get back on track". Hopefully it will give you a lot more confidence etc.
Sorry you've had such a rough time with guys in your life. I promise we aren't ALL like that.
What are you doing at college? (You've probably said somewhere, but I've been up all night, it's 7:30am and I'm tired) It's good that you're trying to do things for yourself and "get back on track". Hopefully it will give you a lot more confidence etc.
Sorry you've had such a rough time with guys in your life. I promise we aren't ALL like that.
cowboyup
Well-known member
OH, I forgot to say, your life sounds very interesting from your posts cowboyup. The replies to those questions is my life story. Moved house and spend my time starring into space.
What are you doing at college? (You've probably said somewhere, but I've been up all night, it's 7:30am and I'm tired) It's good that you're trying to do things for yourself and "get back on track". Hopefully it will give you a lot more confidence etc.
Sorry you've had such a rough time with guys in your life. I promise we aren't ALL like that.
In college, I'm taking computer forensics, my last math class (yay) and archaeology - this will end my community college time and take me to university which my studies will be criminology -ish based.
So you're a night owl insomniac also?
Thanks for the encouraging words re: guys. I'm taking 'time off' for now, but I'll get back to the swing of things in time...I just have to concentrate on me - otherwise I won't be any good for anyone else.
xDreamseller
Well-known member
Yeah, I much prefer nighttime. Just popped out to the shop and the whole place was eerily quiet. 8am on a university campus, not many people up and about!
I think I'm doing a little bit of computer forensics in one of my modules. (I'm doing computer science at uni)
I think I'm doing a little bit of computer forensics in one of my modules. (I'm doing computer science at uni)
cowboyup
Well-known member
holy cow, it's been a long time since I've been happy or even felt "ok"
makes me wonder if I really am that miserable of a person. I had (still have) chance to go to the local Renaissance fair - I want to go to take photos but I have homework to do and 2 tests that are due; one today and one tomorrow.
and there I go again, making excuses. I mean, yes I really do have homework and tests to complete, but I can't take an hour or 2 out of my 'busy day' and enjoy myself? that's dumb of me to think that.
How do I get that back, learning to enjoy myself, I mean....
rhetorical question, I am just disappointed in myself.
someone give me a good swift quick in the butt!
makes me wonder if I really am that miserable of a person. I had (still have) chance to go to the local Renaissance fair - I want to go to take photos but I have homework to do and 2 tests that are due; one today and one tomorrow.
and there I go again, making excuses. I mean, yes I really do have homework and tests to complete, but I can't take an hour or 2 out of my 'busy day' and enjoy myself? that's dumb of me to think that.
How do I get that back, learning to enjoy myself, I mean....
rhetorical question, I am just disappointed in myself.
someone give me a good swift quick in the butt!
xDreamseller
Well-known member
*Kick* Now go out and enjoy yourself! I'm sure you can manage a few hours like you said. Go to the fair instead of watching tv later and regretting not going.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Think about it: will 2 hours out of your day burden you later with more homework? Even if the answer is yes, you need to unwind and relax. You say you've not felt even "okay" in a while, and it could be because you're not doing anything fun and you're constantly studying.
I'm putting my boot on for the swift butt-kicking! ::
Your last post was an hour ago, so I hope you're out at the fair and, more importantly, enjoying yourself!
I'm putting my boot on for the swift butt-kicking! :
:Your last post was an hour ago, so I hope you're out at the fair and, more importantly, enjoying yourself!
cowboyup
Well-known member
be forewarned: this is not a upbeat post...sorry in advance.
dark, sad, lonely, depressed. I am sure there are other adjectives that could describe how I've been feeling lately but I don't feel like pulling out the dictionary or even going to dictionary.com
I pretend to be feeling ok in front of the family and since I am watching the kids I better act 'happy'
when I am alone I cry. I don't really know why but I sure need to get out of this funk I am in.
Halloween is coming up and it's a huge deal where I live. There are so many cool events I'd love to go to - Fetish and Fantasy Halloween Ball or things down at Fremont Street - other fun events but then reality slaps me in the face and I realize I don't even have any money to keep gas in my car let alone drive around ... nor medication to 'dope' myself up to step outside.
I have gained 35 lbs and feel so fat. I am now wearing big t shirts and stretch waist pants. I feel ugly and fat. I used to be pretty and in good shape ... at least that's what my old photos of me reflect. (sorry if that sounds obnoxious)
I wonder where "I" went, where the old me is. Am I trapped inside somewhere just screaming to get out but the bleak existence forbids me to start living again...
I keep thinking that things could be a lot worse. And how many people there are in the world who would love to be 'just depressed and have SA' - how they are fighting literally for their lives afflicted with disease or fighting in wars, or just trying to exist day to day in some far off country.
Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and sulking around the house. I have no right to do that. I should be happy, I should be able to go outside the house and not be afraid, I should just say *u*k it all and go for it. Instead here I am, whining like a baby.
I claim to not be a selfish person but in reality, the way I am acting is selfish.
Maybe hypnosis would be helpful....I definitely know I would benefit from therapy.
Like the title of this journal says, I need to buck up sissy pants.
no need to respond - I am just clearing my head - stupid thoughts I have running a muck in my head that I need to get out
like my nephew says, "it's a bright, sunny day" - kids are cute (sometimes haha)
Maybe I'll muster up some courage today and go to the park - take my camera and some food for the ducks and just 'be'.... perhaps that'll at least calm me down and maybe take off this dark veil I've been wearing. Hey, I need the sunshine, I am so ghostly white it's embarrassing.
dark, sad, lonely, depressed. I am sure there are other adjectives that could describe how I've been feeling lately but I don't feel like pulling out the dictionary or even going to dictionary.com
I pretend to be feeling ok in front of the family and since I am watching the kids I better act 'happy'
when I am alone I cry. I don't really know why but I sure need to get out of this funk I am in.
Halloween is coming up and it's a huge deal where I live. There are so many cool events I'd love to go to - Fetish and Fantasy Halloween Ball or things down at Fremont Street - other fun events but then reality slaps me in the face and I realize I don't even have any money to keep gas in my car let alone drive around ... nor medication to 'dope' myself up to step outside.
I have gained 35 lbs and feel so fat. I am now wearing big t shirts and stretch waist pants. I feel ugly and fat. I used to be pretty and in good shape ... at least that's what my old photos of me reflect. (sorry if that sounds obnoxious)
I wonder where "I" went, where the old me is. Am I trapped inside somewhere just screaming to get out but the bleak existence forbids me to start living again...
I keep thinking that things could be a lot worse. And how many people there are in the world who would love to be 'just depressed and have SA' - how they are fighting literally for their lives afflicted with disease or fighting in wars, or just trying to exist day to day in some far off country.
Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and sulking around the house. I have no right to do that. I should be happy, I should be able to go outside the house and not be afraid, I should just say *u*k it all and go for it. Instead here I am, whining like a baby.
I claim to not be a selfish person but in reality, the way I am acting is selfish.
Maybe hypnosis would be helpful....I definitely know I would benefit from therapy.
Like the title of this journal says, I need to buck up sissy pants.
no need to respond - I am just clearing my head - stupid thoughts I have running a muck in my head that I need to get out
like my nephew says, "it's a bright, sunny day" - kids are cute (sometimes haha)
Maybe I'll muster up some courage today and go to the park - take my camera and some food for the ducks and just 'be'.... perhaps that'll at least calm me down and maybe take off this dark veil I've been wearing. Hey, I need the sunshine, I am so ghostly white it's embarrassing.
MikeyC
Well-known member
I do this. Sometimes I need one item from the store - loaf of bread, whatever - so I decide to iPod up and walk there instead of driving. Just get out of the house and get moving.
I'm sorry you feel so low. :
:
truffleshuffle
Well-known member
I my self have a problme keeping gass in my car as well and I love driving around listing to music when I am just needing some time to decompress when I can;t just go and drive I get on my media player and just listen to music and just decompress at home a bit. Its not the same but it helps a little.
just a little pick me up..BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY - YouTube