MrJones
Well-known member
I need to rant, sorry everyone who reads this.
So, I don't want to talk much, I hate myself, I hate my life. I love people and people don't give a ****. I'm frustrated, medication-dependant, SP, AvPD, depression and agoraphobia. Everyday has been going worse and worse for more than a year already so everyday I'm even more depressed. I've been trying lots and lots of things to get better. I tried to look at things more positively, talk to people in and outside the internet, including girls my age (which used to be difficult), started therapy, I'm going to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, another psychiatrist from uni, and group therapy, I'm taking medication, tried to do things I never did before, all so I could get better. Learned that I could be able to make friendships and even developed feelings once, and even dared to express them. I refound inspiration for writing poems and paying music.
That looks like I had been improving, right? Well, I've never felt so alone, I lost all I got, now I can barely go out of the house, I get anxiety attacks every week, I can't focus in studies because I feel anxious whenever I try to study and even worse when I try to do homework because I am unable to do it, my brain doesn't work well, I feel useless so I get anxious. I feel like no one wants to do anything with me, it's almost always me the one who has to do something first, the first approach, so I can get human contact. I even feel that I annoy everyone I talk to, I feel hated, people ignore me, there is always something better to do than being with me. I suck at everything, there is nothing I can do properly anymore. I'm a big fat loser who only complains and complains, and make the same mistakes again and again. But I need to rant. If at least I could learn from my own mistakes, but I'm too stupid or something.
I'm extremely exhausted, I've never been so tired. I'm made so much effort in life since I started feeling bad that I can't do anything anymore. I feel heavy, I can barely move or talk, I have no energy to do anything, I lost my will. I'm lost and I can't help myself, but I'm alone. Always alone. I want to give up. I tried to commit suicide last Friday night. Took the excuse of St. Patrick's Day (because I'm lame like that) so I could get drunk, with pathetic results. I mixed the alcohol with lorazepam but I only ended up drunk. Alone at home, dark night, drunk as **** and wanting to die, but I guess I didn't took enough pills. I just wanted to make the world a little better, as I can only seem to make it worse. I can't even do that. Next day I felt awful and still I tried to do homework. As usual I started feeling anxious, but I got a panic attack and its effects lasted more than 2 entire hours. My eyes hurt of so many tears I drop, I cannot take this **** anymore. I've had always very poor self esteem and no confidence, I always hated my looks and still do. I've had a lot of people making fun of me again. I have long hair and full beard because I haven't felt the energy to do anything about it, plus I want to hide my face from the world. I never go out unless I have to, and I skip way too many classes. Haven't been out since last Wednesday but today I had an exam, so I had to shower, get dressed and get out. When I came back (ignoring the fact that I could barely study and probably didn't do too well) a couple of cops stopped me. Apparently I look like some criminal (they didnt want to tell me what did he do) from a near city and tomorrow morning I have to go to the court for a lineup. I could sit next to a murderer or something, who knwos. I know it's nothing important, I'm just there because I resemble someone, but I'm just really exhausted and it was the last thing I needed.
I didn't mean to write so much, sorry if anyone did actually read it, and at the same time thanks for taking the time in doing so. (Actually I feel like I need to say much more, but I'm just too tired, maybe another day).
So, I don't want to talk much, I hate myself, I hate my life. I love people and people don't give a ****. I'm frustrated, medication-dependant, SP, AvPD, depression and agoraphobia. Everyday has been going worse and worse for more than a year already so everyday I'm even more depressed. I've been trying lots and lots of things to get better. I tried to look at things more positively, talk to people in and outside the internet, including girls my age (which used to be difficult), started therapy, I'm going to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, another psychiatrist from uni, and group therapy, I'm taking medication, tried to do things I never did before, all so I could get better. Learned that I could be able to make friendships and even developed feelings once, and even dared to express them. I refound inspiration for writing poems and paying music.
That looks like I had been improving, right? Well, I've never felt so alone, I lost all I got, now I can barely go out of the house, I get anxiety attacks every week, I can't focus in studies because I feel anxious whenever I try to study and even worse when I try to do homework because I am unable to do it, my brain doesn't work well, I feel useless so I get anxious. I feel like no one wants to do anything with me, it's almost always me the one who has to do something first, the first approach, so I can get human contact. I even feel that I annoy everyone I talk to, I feel hated, people ignore me, there is always something better to do than being with me. I suck at everything, there is nothing I can do properly anymore. I'm a big fat loser who only complains and complains, and make the same mistakes again and again. But I need to rant. If at least I could learn from my own mistakes, but I'm too stupid or something.
I'm extremely exhausted, I've never been so tired. I'm made so much effort in life since I started feeling bad that I can't do anything anymore. I feel heavy, I can barely move or talk, I have no energy to do anything, I lost my will. I'm lost and I can't help myself, but I'm alone. Always alone. I want to give up. I tried to commit suicide last Friday night. Took the excuse of St. Patrick's Day (because I'm lame like that) so I could get drunk, with pathetic results. I mixed the alcohol with lorazepam but I only ended up drunk. Alone at home, dark night, drunk as **** and wanting to die, but I guess I didn't took enough pills. I just wanted to make the world a little better, as I can only seem to make it worse. I can't even do that. Next day I felt awful and still I tried to do homework. As usual I started feeling anxious, but I got a panic attack and its effects lasted more than 2 entire hours. My eyes hurt of so many tears I drop, I cannot take this **** anymore. I've had always very poor self esteem and no confidence, I always hated my looks and still do. I've had a lot of people making fun of me again. I have long hair and full beard because I haven't felt the energy to do anything about it, plus I want to hide my face from the world. I never go out unless I have to, and I skip way too many classes. Haven't been out since last Wednesday but today I had an exam, so I had to shower, get dressed and get out. When I came back (ignoring the fact that I could barely study and probably didn't do too well) a couple of cops stopped me. Apparently I look like some criminal (they didnt want to tell me what did he do) from a near city and tomorrow morning I have to go to the court for a lineup. I could sit next to a murderer or something, who knwos. I know it's nothing important, I'm just there because I resemble someone, but I'm just really exhausted and it was the last thing I needed.
I didn't mean to write so much, sorry if anyone did actually read it, and at the same time thanks for taking the time in doing so. (Actually I feel like I need to say much more, but I'm just too tired, maybe another day).
