Beginning of relaxation attempt

[OceanMist]

I've come to the conclusion that anxiety is the sole thing that is making my life not that great. It's why I have no friends or g/f, and it's why I didn't finish college and live at my parents' house.

I already knew this about 4 or 5 years ago, and haven't had the mental strength or knowledge to do my last option. I went through the counselor/medication/group therapy process, and quickly realized it wasn't going to work for me. I tried 5 different counselors and was disappointed with what they had to say. All of them lacked a true understanding of what anxiety does to me.

I'm not saying I have a cure, I'm just saying this would be the only thing left that might work for me. I won't lie, I'm leaning towards that this won't work. What I'm talking about is practicing relaxing every day for at least two hours. Lying down on my bed and repeating relaxation commands in my head to help me relax.

I am planning on reporting my progress (if there is any).

I've found that my anxiety isn't just social, it actually effects the way I think about almost everything. I am not using this as an excuse for my failure to live in a healthy manner (friends, full-time job, personal relationships with people i should have personal relationships with, occasional (or more) g/f). For one thing, I'm filling out applications now, as I'm only working part-time.

The friends thing though.....that's a mammoth problem. I don't want to hang out with people, and that's not healthy. This relaxation thing has to work, or the road ahead is going to stay the same, and could be dangerous.

That was long-winded, I hope I didn't bore you. I tend to be a boring person a lot of the time, or so I'm told.

 

[OceanMist]

As for day 1, today, I did an hour's worth. There were times when I actually had some relaxation.....I was actually breathing for once in my life. My mantra (which I think is very important for me) turned into go back, and I visualized my body going back.

I've found that my anxiety is causing me to squeeze forward automatically (squint my face, tense up). I am automatically "doing" so to speak. As my former g/f (only g/f ever) told me, I am "doing something" all the time. Someone who is back, is resting, so it makes sense that I need to get "back," and I believe why that semi-worked.

Heck, right now, I'm leaning forward to look at this computer screen. Bad habits die hard, as they say.

I'm thinking two hours is long, but for something like this it's a reasonable starting point. I'm hoping maybe talking about this on here will keep me motivated somehow.

I know one thing, this will take a long time if it works. It will be very tough, too.

 

[antihistamine]

I've come to the conclusion that anxiety is the sole thing that is making my life not that great. It's why I have no friends or g/f, and it's why I didn't finish college and live at my parents' house.

I already knew this about 4 or 5 years ago, and haven't had the mental strength or knowledge to do my last option. I went through the counselor/medication/group therapy process, and quickly realized it wasn't going to work for me. I tried 5 different counselors and was disappointed with what they had to say. All of them lacked a true understanding of what anxiety does to me.

I'm not saying I have a cure, I'm just saying this would be the only thing left that might work for me. I won't lie, I'm leaning towards that this won't work. What I'm talking about is practicing relaxing every day for at least two hours. Lying down on my bed and repeating relaxation commands in my head to help me relax.

I am planning on reporting my progress (if there is any).

I've found that my anxiety isn't just social, it actually effects the way I think about almost everything. I am not using this as an excuse for my failure to live in a healthy manner (friends, full-time job, personal relationships with people i should have personal relationships with, occasional (or more) g/f). For one thing, I'm filling out applications now, as I'm only working part-time.

The friends thing though.....that's a mammoth problem. I don't want to hang out with people, and that's not healthy. This relaxation thing has to work, or the road ahead is going to stay the same, and could be dangerous.

That was long-winded, I hope I didn't bore you. I tend to be a boring person a lot of the time, or so I'm told.

That last comment made me laugh. I'm not laughing at you, just the way you assess yourself which is NOT true at all. I tend to do the same so we're in the same boat!

 

[OceanMist]

That last comment made me laugh. I'm not laughing at you, just the way you assess yourself which is NOT true at all. I tend to do the same so we're in the same boat!

I appreciate that. What I meant in my last comment about me being boring, I mainly meant in real life, though.

Over a computer it's very easy for me to express myself (in forums, not chat rooms or instant messages), but in real life, I'm as quiet as a mouse in many cases, and portray shyness in many situations.

What I'm saying is that I'm boring most of the time in real life. I agree with the people that have told me this because I've been around shy people before and often found them boring. People like me never say much, which is just boring. I know that sounds mean and negative, but in my case, I'm just boring.

Also, this is a forum. I have an easier time expressing myself without a time limit and such. Put me in a chat with a woman and I won't know what to say. Online dating has been a struggle.

I'm not a bad person or anything, it's just, I'm not an exciting or interesting person. If I was so exciting and interesting, people would flock to me, but instead, people tend to flock away from me, lol.

It's okay, I mean, I have bigger problems than just being boring. I don't know if I really care much that I'm boring. What I really do care about, though, is that I have no healthy personal relationships with people besides my family. That is the gigantic problem that I want to fix. I wouldn't even know if I'd describe my personal relationship with my parents as very healthy. We talk seldom and live in the same house.

 

[OceanMist]

I've logged in 1 and 3/4 hours of relaxation today. I still think the face is the most important part that needs to be relaxed. I think that the face makes other parts of the body relax. I think of it as a command center.

When I breathe in partial relaxation, I've noticed I breathe louder than usual. I'm not sure what to think of that. The good thing is I'm getting more air instead of the usual cut-off air that I breathe out from the tension.

So, some relaxation today, only partial and in small spurts. It's tough, like I thought it'd be.

 

[antihistamine]

Yeah but so called "interesting extroverts" can be boring after a while. Shy people can be like a goldmine of interesting things to find beneath..as you gradually get to know them.
I try to take an interest in people..to that extent I'm extroverted (rather than absorbed by myself)..and voice an opinion now and then...I've had some success in humour..not taking myself seriously which has helped...the most boring people of all are the pompous serious ones!!

 

[OceanMist]

Yeah but so called "interesting extroverts" can be boring after a while. Shy people can be like a goldmine of interesting things to find beneath..as you gradually get to know them.
I try to take an interest in people..to that extent I'm extroverted (rather than absorbed by myself)..and voice an opinion now and then...I've had some success in humour..not taking myself seriously which has helped...the most boring people of all are the pompous serious ones!!

Hmm, I see what you are saying. I think there are details and situations that may prove and disprove your theory.

I do agree that "interesting extroverts" can be boring after a while. The difference between them and me is they still have friends, continue to talk to people and connect with people. They always have that, even if many people don't like them, they always have some that do because they talk to so many people.

You see, being boring for them isn't an issue because they always have more talking and people to talk to in their arsenal. I have nobody and no talking. Big difference.

The problem is for the past 5 years, nobody has gotten to know me. I'm not exaggerating that, it's been about 5 years since someone has gotten to really know me in real life.

Whether I am a goldmine of interesting things beneath, people never find that because it's always beneath me because i'm so shy and never open up to people. Goldmine or not, it's not being used, therefore, is just a waste right now.

 

[antihistamine]

Hmm, I see what you are saying. I think there are details and situations that may prove and disprove your theory.

I do agree that "interesting extroverts" can be boring after a while. The difference between them and me is they still have friends, continue to talk to people and connect with people. They always have that, even if many people don't like them, they always have some that do because they talk to so many people.

You see, being boring for them isn't an issue because they always have more talking and people to talk to in their arsenal. I have nobody and no talking. Big difference.

The problem is for the past 5 years, nobody has gotten to know me. I'm not exaggerating that, it's been about 5 years since someone has gotten to really know me in real life.

Whether I am a goldmine of interesting things beneath, people never find that because it's always beneath me because i'm so shy and never open up to people. Goldmine or not, it's not being used, therefore, is just a waste right now.

All I can say is that I am sorry to hear that. Maybe there are a lot of people in the same situation as you on this site/forum.
I haven't had a close friend for maybe 15 to 20 years. But my partner is my best friend...sometimes we bore each other but overall it's a huge compensation to have one another.

 

[OceanMist]

All I can say is that I am sorry to hear that. Maybe there are a lot of people in the same situation as you on this site/forum.
I haven't had a close friend for maybe 15 to 20 years. But my partner is my best friend...sometimes we bore each other but overall it's a huge compensation to have one another.

See dude, I don't have that. You have a partner/best friend, and I have nothing. I'm in pain.

Even when I had friends I was depressed.

 

[OceanMist]

It looks like 2 hours a day is too ambitious for me right now. I have to share a room practically with my brother, so my time is limited to practice relaxation if I do get any.

Got in 30 minutes yesterday, and an hour today. I'm planning on doing an hour a day now, or at least averaging that.

Friday: 2 hours
Saturday: 30 min
Sunday: 1 hr

Today, I decided to use a little different strategy. I'm using the lose control strategy that I've invented and gotten from studying relaxation, and also got it from a movie, Pushing Tin.

I've really got issues. When I am practicing relaxation I started getting PTSD and felt really bad. I remembered how a girl called me a loser and that my looks are a waste because I never use them to talk to girls. It hurt. I'm having a problem with worry and insecurity. I pray that I will learn to relax as a habit, so I can stop my anxiety disorders.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Relaxation, always a good idea. What you need is focus during relaxation. Then it turns into meditation. Which you're already doing.

1 hr is a lot, 2hrs is a lot to strive for. Good for you. I've tried 15min. That's good enough.

I started to focus on breathing. Any thought that came into the mind I re-focused back onto breathing. Set a timer, alarm so you don't worry about time. You can focus on other things. A dot on the wall, perhaps. But that focus point should be it! You'll feel relaxed when its all done. Might even feel ready to get up and do something.

Another approach is to allow the thoughts in while you focus. Diagnose them, give them a bit of acknowledging time then release it.

 

[OceanMist]

I'm so f'd up.....I actually worry while doing the relaxation exercise. I'll "space out" about something and forget I'm even practicing relaxation.

I agree that focus is huge. I've managed to have a fair amount of focus, at least.

I've placed one hour as a starting point. It looks like I'm going to have graduate to more time as I progress. It's going to be tough to balance full-time work with this.

 

[Richey]

proper relaxation requires the ability to switch off the future and the past in terms of thoughts. you are driving a boat and the boat leaves white ripples, people with worry and anxiety hold onto the ripples and can't let them go but in actual fact those ripples have disolved and are long gone but the boat still motors along. this is a really good metaphor/example of how living in the present is so important, however i also believe that people who don't overthink and are ignorant but take action are suited best to functoning well in this society. people who overthink tend to populate their mind with too much information and that leads to massive stress and confusion. it can be a great asset for some skills and for being cautious which is good, i don't like it when i see people being "this has to be done" or "just get it done", optimistically without really knowing the theory or concept behind the optimistic idea or order given. or weighing up the hazards behind an idea.

ever notice how when you are drunk or tipsy you only focus on the present moment and your self consciousness, worries often are no where to be seen?

that's what you need to aim for in a normal situation. i am trying to figure it out also. but its obvious it can be done.

i think it also involved separating yourself from your circumstances, don't label yourself as anything, even if perception wise, you see yourself as a failure because maybe you are just seeing it wrong. but still work on improving.

 

[theslowesthand]

Good on you!. For what its worth i think you're on the "right track"

I'm using the lose control strategy that I've invented and gotten from studying relaxation, and also got it from a movie, Pushing Tin

What is this??. I kind of invented my own "lose control strategy", but this involves mentally causing my face (or another body area) to go into a half-voluntary/half-involuntary kind of "multi-muscular spasm" (which i believe is the repressed emotions stored in those muscles are being released)

It looks like 2 hours a day is too ambitious for me right now

I'm aiming at around ~1 hour per day. A bit when wake up, some in middle of day, and the rest last thing at night. I've been working on a schedule for such (even have it in this timetable program that i use, and have each step listed in a text file).
Basically, i start with physical relaxation first (as thats the easiest to do first & when stressed): Lay on bed --> Stretch/flex/tense/etc whatever muscles that "body wants" to --> After body feel "satisfied", then do the rest of the muscles (that havent yet addressed; using "progressive muscle relaxation" technique (PMR).
Then i immediately go on to doing my "acupressure" exercises (massaging/pressing special "pressure points").
At night, i would do the above then have a break (do some reading & ablutions), & then follow with the "trickier" relaxation stuff, which i think one needs to be a bit more relaxed to do correctly - meditating on breathing, simple affirmative word/s, mantra (TM Relaxation), visualization, "Quiet Room" technique, or whatever (there are quite a few more, i'm sure!). These meditative-type techniques are mainly for "training/controlling your thoughts".

When I am practicing relaxation I started getting PTSD and felt really bad ... worry and insecurity

Quite often (as well as during the day) i play nice, gentle classical music (at a low volume of course). Not only does it help to stop me thinking (& to immediately soothe any stressful thinking i might have), but it also is really good to focus on (eg when doing PMR on bed), like a form of meditation - it "transports" me to a safe, sunny, bright world (too relaxing in fact, as then i dont want to leave! (esp if one of those 50s/60s "big-sounding" film scores)). There's also special "relaxation music" you can get. And you can get some audio where they are talking you thru the exercises (help to keep you on-track). Also there are sublimnal music, which i might get into sometime.

 

[emre43]

I went through the counselor/medication/group therapy process, and quickly realized it wasn't going to work for me. I tried 5 different counselors and was disappointed with what they had to say. All of them lacked a true understanding of what anxiety does to me.

I hope that I don't come across as patronising. Nobody can ever truly understand how you feel, only you know. Counsellors are there to listen to you, support you and give you advice. Ultimately, you have to want to change for counselling to work. If they suggest something to you that may help you then you have to do it if you want to change. Nobody else can do it for you. I have had two counsellors (because one left; my favourite one : and they have worked wonders for me because I wanted to change and listened to their advice.

 

[OceanMist]

From experience, this relaxation schedule is going to get a lot harder once I start working a couple jobs for 35-40 hours a week which I'm planning on doing.

I was noticing today that I'm really at my last hope here. I kind of knew this 4 years ago but never had the heart to keep doing this relaxation therapy every day.

My depression was really bad today. I've now realized that there really is nowhere for me to go to be happy. I hate being around people and I hate being by myself. This relaxation thing is my only chance left, but now I do wonder if this is what God wanted.

It sounds weird: me alone in a room trying to make a habit of relaxation. I feel like my life has led up to this. I think God wanted to me to end up here where I am on my own room with nobody else to really bother me so I can practice relaxing. I think He wanted me to see that this is the only way to get better and be able to be a functioning human being in society. I understand now, God. This really odd thing is what you want.

Sometimes I think about how crazy it sounds to people. I've tried explaining my muscle tension to other people and they look at me like I'm nuts. So many people think that there is just this relaxation switch that I can turn on, but it's not anything like that. It's all about habit. A habit that is naturally ingrained in your body and brain since birth is incredibly powerful.

It's funny, my only dream I have left is to be relaxed. It sounds so silly to the majority of society who is more relaxed than me. I wonder what it'd be like if it actually happened. I may actually be able to have successful personal relationships with people. I may actually want to go and hang out with friends. I may like being around people.

I know one thing, my anxiety and depression would definitely be lower. That happiness that I'd feel would be insane. It'd be a life full of hell and then all of the sudden a life full of happiness. A total 180 degree turn.

I'm doing 1 hour a day right now, btw. I'm almost looking at this as a warm-up year. I'm thinking maybe I should set a goal for being totally relaxed by age 32. That's a bit ambitious, but I'll see how things go. This is going to be a long process, as I said before. A very long process.

I don't want to reach 40 years old and still be tense. That sounds terrible and even dangerous.

 

[OceanMist]

Depression continues to be an issue. I wish I knew whether this is even going to work. A part of me doesn't even want to live very much longer. I'm sick of living in pain with nothing to be happy about.

 

[gazelle]

Hmm...besides counseling and relaxation techniques have you ever considered looking at your anxiety and depression as a physical illness instead of a mental one.
There are many physical conditions that can lead to anxiety and depression including anemia, different types of vitamin deficiencies,thyroid problems,hidden autoimmune diseases and so on...
After years of taking disparate mental approaches (like counseling ,yoga ,relaxation techniques and etc) I've personally realized that taking the "physical illness approach" towards SA has been much more beneficial, specially after I realized that my SA is more due to my autoimmune thyroid and exhausted adrenal glands than anything else.
Even if relaxation turns out ineffectual, don't lose hope, maybe you could try visiting a doctor or a naturopath.

 

[OceanMist]

Hmm...besides counseling and relaxation techniques have you ever considered looking at your anxiety and depression as a physical illness instead of a mental one.
There are many physical conditions that can lead to anxiety and depression including anemia, different types of vitamin deficiencies,thyroid problems,hidden autoimmune diseases and so on...
After years of taking disparate mental approaches (like counseling ,yoga ,relaxation techniques and etc) I've personally realized that taking the "physical illness approach" towards SA has been much more beneficial, specially after I realized that my SA is more due to my autoimmune thyroid and exhausted adrenal glands than anything else.
Even if relaxation turns out ineffectual, don't lose hope, maybe you could try visiting a doctor or a naturopath.

I have a physical illness and mental illness. I believe the body and mind work together. In order to have a relaxed mind, your body must be relaxed.

I'm very confident that my problem is due to muscle tension and that's it. When someone is constantly tense, it's as if they are being strangled. It explains my shallow breath and unusual decision making (wanting to be by myself, not saying anything, extreme introversion).

I've been considering doing counseling again, but haven't taken action on it. It seems the advice they give me will be something along the lines of getting out and socializing, which is something I'm not interested in doing right now.

My problem is much more simple than a bunch of technical terms. What's so difficult is breaking this life-crushing habit that I have ingrained in my brain since birth.

Any other problems I may have all have to do with my muscle tension. Stress causes havoc on the human body.

Something I've learned from this site is most peoples' issues are different than mine. What works for you works for you. If it is, you should keep doing it.

I do believe if I never learn to relax then it's over and I will never be able to function in a totally healthy manner as a human being. I will give up once I get to a certain age if I don't learn to relax. That won't be for a while though. I truly do think this is my last option (relaxation) and only possible cure. In fact, I wish I had figured this stuff out earlier in life and not wasted my time thinking medication and therapy was going to fix me.

 

[Feathers]

WOW, I admire you for doing relaxation exercises and such!!

I could never really do them much... except yoga - practising 'dead body' or such when I was younger... could never really do 'meditation' properly though, could get more relaxed with hiking/exercise or eg playing guitar or writing (my thoughts/fears out in a journal) or to go dance or talk to someone supportive/appreciative or go for a walk etc. They call this 'active meditation' I think!

Holidays can be difficult for many people, I wouldn't expect 'total relaxation' around that time (If it happens, great, possibly to do with good organization/time management then too...)

I don't expect to be 'totally relaxed' 24/7 ever... Life is partly about adventures and doing interesting things... Interesting things=sometimes 'interesting new things' and that can bring some tension too... It's just important to find ways of relaxation and have them in your life...
Some tension and some stress can be a 'normal' part of life... It depends how much and to what degree though...

Muscle tension can be related to stress and nutrition too, nutrition has made a big difference for me at times... (it helped me to learn about the role of magnesium and omega 3 etc, I prefer to get nutrients with food rather than supplements tho)
I do believe too that body and mind are interrelated, it's a combination of factors... someone said, 'all food is psychoactive', nutrition can influence the mind too, and more stress can 'rob' the body of some important nutrients... something to maybe explore later...

That girl sure sounds 'unsupportive' (to say the least!!) - maybe she had a crush on you and was disappointed when you didn't 'hit on her'??
There are some very goodlooking priests and such too, would she consider them a 'waste' too?? huh?? (some people can be just 'rude' or 'silly' hm??)
Lots of other great-looking single people out there too!!
Maybe find a way to reply something witty, eg, 'Well (insert famous fashion designer/painter/...) doesn't think so?' or 'So you think you girls are worthy of my beauty?' (and grin)
It's actually good news what she said - apparently she thinks you look good??

It's great you're exploring more natural means!
You're inspiring me to do some more muscle relaxation again!
err... after the holidays, I guess!!

Some people really clicked well with counsellors, it's an option too... a friend was even taught relaxation exercises by her counsellor.. Or maybe you could find a support group, or an exercise/yoga/tai chi/martial arts/relaxation class or such?