baby-crazy family! very frustating

[Section_31]

omg...

ok, i have a large extended family. My cousin, also my best friend, and his wife have 3 kids, and they aer both under 30. His sister, my other cousin, also under 30, has 2 of her own.

My OTHER female cousin is getting married on the 23rd and found out she is 3 months prego.

My wife's parents, along with others in my family, are starting to drive us both up the wall with all the baby hints they keep dropping in regards to us. I tried to be nice and play it off, then i tried saying look, we'll get to it when we get to it.

Now its at the point where i want to explode, stop being nice, tell people to just F the F off, and stop worrying our reproductive life.

Me and my wife have talked about it and due to our cirumstances, A. were not sure if we even want kids, and B. if we do, were not going to have them untill were both into our early 30s.

Im just fed up, why does everyone have to make it their priority to nose in on others lives?.

F OFF FAMILY!!

ok. Ive said my piece. That is all.

 

[Feathers]

oh gosh. lol. I can relate!!!!

Sometimes family can just think of nothing better to say, so they start the b.topic!! So maybe it can help to have other conversation starters at hand and smoothly outmanoever them to other topics??!
(my parents don't know what a 'change of topic' is, if one asks directly, but they can be side-tracked into another 'more interesting' topic (for them) if you think hard ahead you can come up with a few interesting tidbits/news/subjects for them...?)

There are childfree forums that have been very helpful to me too!! (They have some good responses lol, and the support is amazing too)
'If your parents want you to buy'em a yacht, will you buy them one too?'

I don't know if I want kids myself either, certainly don't want to get 'pushed' into it... (or hook up with someone just to give'em grandkids yikes!!)
Some people honestly don't think people could have other meaningful reasons to live in life, or what?? My mum can get very baby-crazy, she just loves babies soo much, yikes!! I try to stay away from it, we've had some serious discussions (and some not so nice things said) too.. Oh, yikes... I can sympathize!! It'd probably just be worse if I'd be happily married!! That's one reason that has kept them off bay at times too, so far.. (Are they religious?)

 

[this_portrait]

My God, that sounds so very frustrating indeed!

I'm so glad that no one in my family is pressuring me to have kids. If anything, my parents are always telling me to NOT ever have kids. My sister has 5, going on 6, and I think she's nuts for putting herself through all that.

Luckily it's not hard to find a guy who doesn't want kids as well (or at the very least would rather leave the decision up to me).

 

[fitftw]

how do 2 people under 30 have 3 kids? I'm almost 30 and can barely afford to pay my half of the rent!

 

[Feathers]

Luckily it's not hard to find a guy who doesn't want kids as well (or at the very least would rather leave the decision up to me).

WOW, where do you find them? (And how old are you? )

At my age, quite some guys either want to get married, have kids, or seem the type that 'can't be relied on' (maybe just for 'casual dating' or such) - hm?

I'd wish for someone who's okay with it 'either way' - if we happen to have kids, to be okay with it (I don't want to have abortion or such) or if we don't (I'd prefer not to have'em probably too) that's okay too...
Or maybe I've just been over-complicating it in my head? Yikes, lol.

Woo, your sister has 5-6 kids?? What does she think about that? (Or wasn't she thinking? ) I used to want a large family when I was younger, then sort of as I worked with kids more, the wish left me lol...
People kept saying I'd be a great mum, but I'm not sure??!!

I think it's absolutely no one's business as your own anyway!!

 

[this_portrait]

WOW, where do you find them? (And how old are you? )

I'm 22. Perhaps that's why it's easier to find guys who don't want kids (or are at least undecided). Having and raising kids is the LAST thing on the mind of a guy in his 20s, for the most part. Hopefully I don't find one who I'm with for a few years, and once we start getting older, he all of a sudden changes his mind. I'm solidified in my decision to be child-free.

Woo, your sister has 5-6 kids?? What does she think about that? (Or wasn't she thinking? )

It's mostly her husband. Whatever he says, goes, with her. She has psychological problems from when she was a child that she's never gotten help for. He knows this (our mother told him about it when she found out he was going to school to be a psychologist, hoping that maybe he could help her). He just uses her problems to his advantage, though.

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, that does sound frustrating, mate! I'm sure it puts undue pressure on you to start popping out children because that's what everyone else is doing and it's seen as the "normal" progression.

He just uses her problems to his advantage, though.

That's sad. ::

I'm 25 and, like Portrait, having kids is the last thing on my mind. I can barely look after myself...how am I supposed to look after a child? Plus I think I would be a lousy dad.

 

[Feathers]

It's mostly her husband. Whatever he says, goes, with her. She has psychological problems from when she was a child that she's never gotten help for. He knows this (our mother told him about it when she found out he was going to school to be a psychologist, hoping that maybe he could help her). He just uses her problems to his advantage, though.

Oh gosh, sorry to hear about it - does she know all this? Though maybe she likes a big family, some people do... Nothing wrong with it either, if it's what she truly likes/wants... Otherwise, huh?? Yikes.

I'm 22. Perhaps that's why it's easier to find guys who don't want kids (or are at least undecided). Having and raising kids is the LAST thing on the mind of a guy in his 20s, for the most part. Hopefully I don't find one who I'm with for a few years, and once we start getting older, he all of a sudden changes his mind. I'm solidified in my decision to be child-free.

Oh yeah, being younger makes it wayy easier... And being decided about it too, as long as you guys talk... Some people on childfree forums did mention that their partners/significant others changed minds sometimes, some didn't...

It's the last thing on the mind of some older guys too, for me, the difficult thing is that I'm not 100% about it, so it'd need to be a guy who's okay with 'either way' too.. lol - I think it's easier to find someone with a firm opinion about this (?)

 

[this_portrait]

Oh gosh, sorry to hear about it - does she know all this? Though maybe she likes a big family, some people do... Nothing wrong with it either, if it's what she truly likes/wants... Otherwise, huh?? Yikes.

She's always stressed out from being around the kids all the time. If it weren't for her oldest daughter (who is 14), she would probably be even more stressed out. I don't know if she's aware that her husband is taking advantage of her problems; I doubt it, considering she's always been the type who would do almost anything to keep a guy from leaving her (even if it's unhealthy for her). Her self-esteem is probably even much lower than mine.

It's the last thing on the mind of some older guys too, for me, the difficult thing is that I'm not 100% about it, so it'd need to be a guy who's okay with 'either way' too.. lol - I think it's easier to find someone with a firm opinion about this (?)

Yeah, seems like most people either want 'em or they don't. I've found most guys in my age group have this idea about leaving the decision up to the woman, which seems more like an 'undecided' stance. I think there's also an increasing amount of people who want to be child-free and are solidified in their decision and aren't ever going to change their minds.

 

[Sial Axetder]

To have children is a mutual decision.

I can understand the male want for the female to broach the subject. It is not the male who will have to give birth. We males know what entails even without visual first hand knowledge. The physical pain and the proverbial pain we know and do not want for our potential partners.

TLG, the decision is between you and your partner. Do not let anyone interfere or pressure. If they do you may have to become stern and tell them to butt out.

 

[superfluouslyme]

This is a big topic in my family as well. I am one of 13 grandchildren on my mother's side of the family and #9 in order of age. Six are married and one is engaged. Eight have children or step-children and one had a baby that died young. There are four of us left who aren't betrothed or popping out bouncing babies: me, my youngest sister, one female cousin who is only a month younger than me, and a male cousin who is still in high school. The talk is all about babies. After many, many fights, I sat down with my mom and told her I'm not having kids and it hurts my feelings when she says things about children, even when she's joking. So she has stopped, but the rest of my family has not and I don't think I could sit them all down and tell them to STFU. I'm happy for them all, I really am. And I love all of my second cousins (is that what their children would be to me?). But it's not the life I want. They all talk about how wonderful being a mother/father is how special their children make their lives. Great. Fine. But that isn't the only measure of how special or worthy a life is. I guess that getting married and having kids is the measure of a full life in today's society, but it's not mine. And it hurts, so I feel for you.

 

[awkwardamanda]

I dread the day my parents realize I'm serious when I say I don't want kids. I've said so once or twice before, but I don't think they believed me. I try and brush it off if the subject ever comes up. I was with my parents on the way to our trailer this summer and my dad says, "Are you gonna do this with your kids?" I think I just said "I dunno" or "Probably not." I'm not sure. But I wasn't about to explain that it's because I'm not having kids. I really didn't want to bring that up and then have another two hours of awkwardness in the vehicle with them.

If I ever get married I'm going to make sure it's to a guy who does not want kids. That is a deal breaker. It could hurt like hell to break up over kids if everything else is great, but it's not worth realizing you aren't happy later on because one partner was talked into a life they never wanted. No one should ever get married without at least discussing the issue of children beforehand. If both partners are not on the same page, then it's foolish of either one to think that the other is simply going to change for them.

The decision is up to you and your wife. Not anybody else. Put your foot down and tell them you'll have kids only if and when you're both ready. You might just have to be abrupt and make it clear that they have no say in the matter and that you do not like all the hints.

 

[1BlackSheep]

My parents have resigned themselves to the fact that all they will ever have are 4 legged, furry grandchildren! ::

 

[MercySparx]

Tell them you decided bringing a child into an overpopulated world, and reproducing just to satisfy a biological urge and your ego is inethical. That should get em to shut up.

 

[MikeyC]

After many, many fights, I sat down with my mom and told her I'm not having kids and it hurts my feelings when she says things about children, even when she's joking. So she has stopped, but the rest of my family has not and I don't think I could sit them all down and tell them to STFU.

This is excellent what you did with your mum, and I really think you should tell the rest of them the same thing if they're pressuring you and you're feeling uncomfortable about it. It's a little awkward, I will agree, but if you want it to stop what other options do you have?

They all talk about how wonderful being a mother/father is how special their children make their lives. Great. Fine. But that isn't the only measure of how special or worthy a life is.

Thank you. There are people that I know where all they discuss is their kids. Awesome for you, not for me.

I dread the day my parents realize I'm serious when I say I don't want kids.

Ah, yeah, that will be a sad day for them, for sure. They're probably not going to believe you until you sit them down and actually say, "I'm not having kids." They're going to be upset but tell them that's just how it is.

I think my parents will be the same if I ever bring that up. I don't have the heart to tell them I won't be having kids, and I know it would break my mother's heart.

Any grandchildren they'll be getting will have to come from my brother, who is way more likely to have them in the future.

 

[Section_31]

LOL, i told them i wasnt sure if i could, do to an old airsoft injury truth, but not really serious.

But yea, im just shaking my head at all this. Neither of us have ever truly lived on our own, in our own place. And we would like at least 4 or 5 yrs to ourselves, meaning a place where my dad IS NOT around occasionally, to just enjoy our time together before we consider it.

Right now, neither of us are sure. Were keeping our options open, but honestly, we talked about it at length last night, and were both concerned about passing messed up genes on to any kids we may have...and honestly why should they have to go through what we did?.

Some days i do want to be a dad, others i dont, but honestly at the end im really just meh about it all, i just want her to be happy.

Right now it wuold be financial suicide for us to do have an "accident/suprise". We can barely afford our own groceries let alone somthing like that D:.

Birth control = cheap

Kids = expensive!

 

[Section_31]

how do 2 people under 30 have 3 kids? I'm almost 30 and can barely afford to pay my half of the rent!

lol both are very fertile and um, very driven. 2 of those were little oopsies. the 3rd was planned.

My cousin doesnt have S/A and works for the city as a concrete labourer, so he makes alot of coin that way.

 

[Etbow23]

Not that I'm trying to insult your family, but I just can't stand people who think it's all right to keep having kid after kid when the world's population is tipping off over 7 billion and 1/3 of humanity is in poverty.

Me personally, I'm with you. IF I choose to have children, I will have no more than one and will wait until my thirties. I see so many girls my age having kids and never going to school, going on welfare. It's sickening. I remember in high school there would be these pregnant girls walking around and other kids who would talk about how they wanted a baby as soon as they graduated. Fools.

I used to want to have a baby, but now I realize what a pain it is to have a kid lagging on you 24/7. I now realize the freedom I have--I can be alone, I can go someplace without having to worry about my baby. I work as a cashier, and the parents with little devil children are the worst. I would never let my child behave that way. But I'm glad I don't have any at this point in my life. I'm definitely not ready.

Luckily, I don't have a huge family. One of my sisters is 27 and doesn't have any kids, and the other is 24 and has one son. It's funny, because she's (the one with the toddler) the sister who never went to college and lives off men. The other has a master's degree and lives in downtown Paris in her own flat.

I don't have any contact with my father's side of the family, but my mother's side isn't that big. I have 4 cousins on that side, 3 of which are under 20. Anyways, they don't seem the types to have many children if you know what I mean. I'm happy-I can't stand whining toddlers and spoiled children at those family gatherings.

If I have a child, I would want to have only one because that would give me the time and energy to focus solely on that one child & make them a respectable, well-brought up individual.

I just hope that you know that it's YOUR choice. If you're not ready to have children, then having one would only hurt the child. That's the problem with people--too many kids suffer because they weren't wanted.

 

[Sial Axetder]

LOL, i told them i wasnt sure if i could, do to an old airsoft injury truth, but not really serious.

But yea, im just shaking my head at all this. Neither of us have ever truly lived on our own, in our own place. And we would like at least 4 or 5 yrs to ourselves, meaning a place where my dad IS NOT around occasionally, to just enjoy our time together before we consider it.

Right now, neither of us are sure. Were keeping our options open, but honestly, we talked about it at length last night, and were both concerned about passing messed up genes on to any kids we may have...and honestly why should they have to go through what we did?.

Some days i do want to be a dad, others i dont, but honestly at the end im really just meh about it all, i just want her to be happy.

Right now it wuold be financial suicide for us to do have an "accident/suprise". We can barely afford our own groceries let alone somthing like that D:.

Birth control = cheap

Kids = expensive!

airsoft injury and can't have kids. I know you mentioned it as not serious, that's ok. But that must have hurt, yeah?

Kids are expensive. And they don't come with a return policy or a receipt of purchase. ::

Nonsense about passing bad genes. Your potential child or children will grow perfectly despite genes passed on if you care for him or her or them truly.

 

[Section_31]

Not that I'm trying to insult your family, but I just can't stand people who think it's all right to keep having kid after kid when the world's population is tipping off over 7 billion and 1/3 of humanity is in poverty.

Me personally, I'm with you. IF I choose to have children, I will have no more than one and will wait until my thirties. I see so many girls my age having kids and never going to school, going on welfare. It's sickening. I remember in high school there would be these pregnant girls walking around and other kids who would talk about how they wanted a baby as soon as they graduated. Fools.

I used to want to have a baby, but now I realize what a pain it is to have a kid lagging on you 24/7. I now realize the freedom I have--I can be alone, I can go someplace without having to worry about my baby. I work as a cashier, and the parents with little devil children are the worst. I would never let my child behave that way. But I'm glad I don't have any at this point in my life. I'm definitely not ready.

Luckily, I don't have a huge family. One of my sisters is 27 and doesn't have any kids, and the other is 24 and has one son. It's funny, because she's (the one with the toddler) the sister who never went to college and lives off men. The other has a master's degree and lives in downtown Paris in her own flat.

I don't have any contact with my father's side of the family, but my mother's side isn't that big. I have 4 cousins on that side, 3 of which are under 20. Anyways, they don't seem the types to have many children if you know what I mean. I'm happy-I can't stand whining toddlers and spoiled children at those family gatherings.

If I have a child, I would want to have only one because that would give me the time and energy to focus solely on that one child & make them a respectable, well-brought up individual.

I just hope that you know that it's YOUR choice. If you're not ready to have children, then having one would only hurt the child. That's the problem with people--too many kids suffer because they weren't wanted.

No insult taken at all, in fact youve re-iterated everything ive thought about the matter. I completely agree.