Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal
- Thread starter KiaKaha
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KiaKaha
Banned
Sometimes I am baffled by your posts - you make it sound so simple, like flicking a switch... when I dont think its like that at all.
I am not seeking sympathy. I just want upfront honesty and answers...
I am just so tired of feeling like no one is on my side, and no one cares or likes me - or cares about me or the way I feel, but then I feel guilty that I feel that way.
coyote
Well-known member
change is not simple.
it's one of the hardest things to do.
the point is that it's possible.
it's also possible to stay the same.
either way, there's something in it for you.
as much as you hate the way you are now,
if there wasn't something in it for you to stay that way
you would have already changed.
what is it that makes you want to continue
to see yourself the way you do,
to see the world the way you do,
if it causes you so much pain?
MikeyC
Well-known member
Not that coyote does this, but my best friend thinks this way. If you want to change, just do it and that's it. That's his philosophy. I want to get angry with him because he doesn't understand how hard it is, but...then I realise he doesn't understand how hard it is.
KiaKaha
Banned
I think the big difference between you and I Coyote, is that I see change as something that is externalized - that comes from the outside - whereas you see it as more internalized, coming from within - and thats true to an extent - but if I was getting beaten daily and I couldnt do anything about it, I could change my attitude to rationalize to the point of acceptance.... then suddenly it wouldnt be a problem anymore.
Change is not simple - seeing as that we all products of our own reality. The fact that so many of us see things differently is proof of that. I dont really think ones behaviour is a reflection of their attitude towards their own suffering.
Desire - from the aforementioned list.
I remember a while ago there was a thread on being more likeable - and someone responded...
"if people dont like you... then just be more likeable."
*sigh...*
Please dont get me wrong - I know you are trying to help... I just cant understand that kind of philosophy.
Change is not simple - seeing as that we all products of our own reality. The fact that so many of us see things differently is proof of that. I dont really think ones behaviour is a reflection of their attitude towards their own suffering.
Desire - from the aforementioned list.
I remember a while ago there was a thread on being more likeable - and someone responded...
"if people dont like you... then just be more likeable."
*sigh...*
Please dont get me wrong - I know you are trying to help... I just cant understand that kind of philosophy.
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MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
I know what you mean as far as people not feeling the same way you do about things. Sometimes I feel really lost in the world because I am almost always the odd person out when it comes to situations or reactions to them. My feelings hardly ever match the groups'.
I am really sorry you are feeling these things. You are such a good person with a good heart. I wish there was a way you could see what other people see and that you are a worthwhile person and a great friend
As far as the "just doing it" thing. I think A LOT of people confuse "just do it" with "it is going to be easy, so stop complaining". Just do it, does not mean that it is easy. But the only way to get anything done is to just do it. It is kind of difficult to explain so maybe asking a question is the best way to understand it.
Mikey, recently you have started to eat healthier. You used to eat chocolate every day and as far as I know, you have only eaten a small handful of m&m's over the last 4 days. You wanted to eat less chocolate and get healthier, and you are. So the question is, what is the difference between what you did and are doing and "just doing it" (as far as getting healthier).
Well, another example I guess I am thinking of. I am currently getting things done to move out of my apartment. I have a huge pile of crap on my floor that I need to clean. I don't want to do it, I don't want to get rid of it, I don't want to pack it. I keep avoiding it. But the only way I am going to get that stuff out of my away is to just do it. It can be small pieces at a time or only 10 minutes a day... but the only way to get it done is to just do it, just start it.
I am really sorry you are feeling these things. You are such a good person with a good heart. I wish there was a way you could see what other people see and that you are a worthwhile person and a great friend
As far as the "just doing it" thing. I think A LOT of people confuse "just do it" with "it is going to be easy, so stop complaining". Just do it, does not mean that it is easy. But the only way to get anything done is to just do it. It is kind of difficult to explain so maybe asking a question is the best way to understand it.
Mikey, recently you have started to eat healthier. You used to eat chocolate every day and as far as I know, you have only eaten a small handful of m&m's over the last 4 days. You wanted to eat less chocolate and get healthier, and you are. So the question is, what is the difference between what you did and are doing and "just doing it" (as far as getting healthier).
Well, another example I guess I am thinking of. I am currently getting things done to move out of my apartment. I have a huge pile of crap on my floor that I need to clean. I don't want to do it, I don't want to get rid of it, I don't want to pack it. I keep avoiding it. But the only way I am going to get that stuff out of my away is to just do it. It can be small pieces at a time or only 10 minutes a day... but the only way to get it done is to just do it, just start it.
MikeyC
Well-known member
If only it were that easy. Not just likability but with many facets of life. This site wouldn't exist.
coyote
Well-known member
a person who despises the color orange can look at a rainbow and see nothing but ugliness.
in spite of all the other beautiful colors there are to enjoy,
all they choose to focus on is that one streak of orange.
likewise, a person can look at the world and see nothing but despair and suffering,
or they can look in a mirror and see nothing but their own imperfections.
do despair and suffering exist in the world?
do we all have imperfections?
yes, of course.
but we have a choice as to what we focus our attention on.
for every bit of ugliness, there's a great deal more beauty to behold,
if you only choose to look for it instead.
in spite of all the other beautiful colors there are to enjoy,
all they choose to focus on is that one streak of orange.
likewise, a person can look at the world and see nothing but despair and suffering,
or they can look in a mirror and see nothing but their own imperfections.
do despair and suffering exist in the world?
do we all have imperfections?
yes, of course.
but we have a choice as to what we focus our attention on.
for every bit of ugliness, there's a great deal more beauty to behold,
if you only choose to look for it instead.
KiaKaha
Banned
Yeah - maybe you have a point coyote.
Theres always a silver lining.
What if you have never had a taste of contentment though? What if your desires and goals have never been satiated? Its all right for some people to say that when they get what they are presented with opportunities to get what they want, within their reach.
I cant change - I dont know how too.... I mean in regards to looking at 'the glass half full' and seeing the beauty amongst all the ugliness - I cant do it. I just cant...
It makes me feel so sad that everyone here seems so wise while I have no clue about how to think or even to live my own life.
My own self loathing and self perceived inferiority will be the death of me one day. - My insides get all churned up.
Theres always a silver lining.
What if you have never had a taste of contentment though? What if your desires and goals have never been satiated? Its all right for some people to say that when they get what they are presented with opportunities to get what they want, within their reach.
I cant change - I dont know how too.... I mean in regards to looking at 'the glass half full' and seeing the beauty amongst all the ugliness - I cant do it. I just cant...
It makes me feel so sad that everyone here seems so wise while I have no clue about how to think or even to live my own life.
My own self loathing and self perceived inferiority will be the death of me one day. - My insides get all churned up.
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coyote
Well-known member
well, i definitely don't think i have any of the answers.
in fact, i think i was more unhappy with life when i thought i DID.
it's taken me a very long time to figure out that things didn't have to be the way i thought they should be,
that the world doesn't have to be the way i expect it to be,
and that i didn't have to have all the answers.
the problem with "knowing" things is also thinking that once we've decided we "know" something, that it has to remain that way - fixed, absolute, finite - like pinning down a collection of dead butterflies.
when we "know" that we are unattractive,
when we "know" that society is unbearable,
when we "know" that the world is horrible,
we have removed the possibility that things might be, could be, different.
wouldn't it be better to embrace uncertainty, and with it hope?
when we "know" how things SHOULD be,
we no longer allow them to simply be the way they are.
we deny them their own existence and their own inherent beauty.
wouldn't it be better to embrace acceptance, and breathe life into the world...
allowing the butterflies to spread their wings and fly?
in fact, i think i was more unhappy with life when i thought i DID.
it's taken me a very long time to figure out that things didn't have to be the way i thought they should be,
that the world doesn't have to be the way i expect it to be,
and that i didn't have to have all the answers.
the problem with "knowing" things is also thinking that once we've decided we "know" something, that it has to remain that way - fixed, absolute, finite - like pinning down a collection of dead butterflies.
when we "know" that we are unattractive,
when we "know" that society is unbearable,
when we "know" that the world is horrible,
we have removed the possibility that things might be, could be, different.
wouldn't it be better to embrace uncertainty, and with it hope?
when we "know" how things SHOULD be,
we no longer allow them to simply be the way they are.
we deny them their own existence and their own inherent beauty.
wouldn't it be better to embrace acceptance, and breathe life into the world...
allowing the butterflies to spread their wings and fly?
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Aletheia
Well-known member
It's possible for one's words to be wise without having any clue as to how to apply them to one's own life. Doesn't detract from the wisdom.
Please don't loathe yourself. You are in no way loatheable.
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Tell me to butt out and mind my own business.
I think that if you say things like this you're re-affirming them in your own mind to be true. I dont mean dont express yourself. ..hmm Im not good at words today
but maybe you could try some positive affirmations? It would reinforce the positive beliefs.
SilentBird
Well-known member
I am not good enough. I can't be happy. I can't relate or connect with anyone. Life is not worth living. These are beliefs and self-fulfilling prophecies. They are not facts.
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KiaKaha
Banned
That is exactly what I try to say to people all the time - I think self doubt is important... Even as I write this, how do I know that what I am saying is correct? How do you know that what you are saying is correct (or anyone else)...? I always always feel foolish with pretty much everything that I say because I believe that everything, especially when it comes to all the issues presented on this website, is completely subjective....and I always wonder...where does this innate sense self assurance comes from? How do I know that any advice that I give, or opinion that I have is remotely relevant to how anyone feels or sees the world in their own way? The best anyone can do... I imagine... is merely take a sympathetic guess, in that respect... yes I agree..
Yet at the same time - I am so certain of the state of how things are.
Man this stuff is really hard to articulate... there is so much that I need to respond too...
Isn't our own reality merely a reflection of what we have learned from our environment? If I tell myself that I will never be popular or attractive, isnt that just a belief from the past that continuously becomes fulfilled? What I mean is... there must be a reason why those beliefs exist in the first place, because everything we believe about ourselves comes from the outside...not the inside... therefore...there must be some truth to it...?
I cant accept the way things are... because I feel that people often sugar coat reality, continually trying to make themselves feel better about the way the world is by rationalizing and justifying their thoughts and their environment... at the expense of how things really are...why? Because it keeps people comfortable...
Do you know why I think woman arent particularly attracted to me.... at least not long enough to get to the 'boyfriend' stage....? Its because I am skinny, bald, poor, lack of confidence, lack of status and not particularly physically attractive...thats probably mildly insulting... I dont mean any offense by saying that, but here is another example...
Why is it that I have been fired from jobs and rock bands? Is it because I cant do the job or perform like they say? Or is it because I dont have the right look, I dont fit in well with colleagues or culture.... or that the just dont like who I am because I lack that unspoken element that people can relate too..?
Why do people look at me like garbage? Is it people can sense that I have no power and that the way I present myself gives way to their scorn?
But its not just those examples... its everywhere...
I cant prove this - its a feeling I have. I cant read minds (unfortunately - although it sure as hell would be interesting if I could) - I am not someone who is so bitter and jaded that I go around treating people like garbage - in fact quite the opposite, I just feel that its necessary to be honest... I cant remove myself from the unfairness of the world. I dont know how to stop thinking about it. I dont know why I seem to be so obsessed with it, and why it consumes me.
Just on a side note - Jewel, I always welcome any help or thoughts anyone has, so please dont feel hesitant. I appreciate it - in fact I appreciate everyone on this forum, and I am sorry if I come across like a stubborn baby sometimes.
Anyway - I am tired. I need to sleep. Ummm... thanks...sorry about all this reading I made you do.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Not particularly physically attractive, my ass - I've met you in person and I still think you're a good looking guy. Each girl will find something different to be attractive, and you will find someone that will find you attractive, as you have done in the past.
I still don't understand how it's everywhere because you were nothing but a pleasure to hang around with. I didn't see anything regarding scorn and you don't seem to invite scorn into your life because of your warm personality.
You will find peace, mate. I'm sure of it. Maybe getting out of New Zealand is what you need. Whatever it is, there's certainly some thoughts and emotions going on in your mind and you'll find a way to be happy again.
I still don't understand how it's everywhere because you were nothing but a pleasure to hang around with. I didn't see anything regarding scorn and you don't seem to invite scorn into your life because of your warm personality.
You will find peace, mate. I'm sure of it. Maybe getting out of New Zealand is what you need. Whatever it is, there's certainly some thoughts and emotions going on in your mind and you'll find a way to be happy again.
KiaKaha
Banned
Aside from yet another tirade..
I am wondering what you guys think of this..
Mum's death blamed on Coke - National - NZ Herald News
I am wondering what you guys think of this..
Mum's death blamed on Coke - National - NZ Herald News
Blaming coke for the wife's death is totally absurd. I shouldn't be judging anyone but the man's way of thinking is questionable. I want to say immature, stupid, crazy, ignorant etc. I mean, who told the wife to consume that much coke in the first place anyway. Did he ever heard of the saying "too much of everything is bad?" Heck! Even drinking excess water can end someone's life. So who should the person blame then? Science? god?
Aletheia
Well-known member
oh no! I've burnt myself with coffee because nobody told me it was hot!
Please don't get me wrong. Of course it's a tragedy, it always is if someone dies.
And there are companies who knowingly flout safety regulations or act unethically: auto companies who calculate ways to save money by paying for any lawsuits that result from their use of cheap components, tobacco companies who knew that smoking was killing people but did all they could to hide this fact from the public. These companies deserve to be sued for all their worth.
But I fail to see what's just about suing companies for outcomes they had no way of predicting, or by giving vast sums money to people for behaviour that anybody with an ounce of common sense would have avoided. Punitive damages lead to a hyper-litigious society with an inflated legal system and an equally inflated insurance system with doctors who are afraid to perform any vaguely risky procedures, even ones that might save lives, for fear of getting slapped with malpractice suits. And it leads people to externalize responsibility.
/rant
Please don't get me wrong. Of course it's a tragedy, it always is if someone dies.
And there are companies who knowingly flout safety regulations or act unethically: auto companies who calculate ways to save money by paying for any lawsuits that result from their use of cheap components, tobacco companies who knew that smoking was killing people but did all they could to hide this fact from the public. These companies deserve to be sued for all their worth.
But I fail to see what's just about suing companies for outcomes they had no way of predicting, or by giving vast sums money to people for behaviour that anybody with an ounce of common sense would have avoided. Punitive damages lead to a hyper-litigious society with an inflated legal system and an equally inflated insurance system with doctors who are afraid to perform any vaguely risky procedures, even ones that might save lives, for fear of getting slapped with malpractice suits. And it leads people to externalize responsibility.
/rant