Are you afraid of silences?

[Falkor]

Hi there,

One of the most terrible fears I got is awkward silences.
Does any of you share this fear with me?
Does it prevent you from going to see friends/ family or even date?
I really hate this fear and it is terrible.
I freeze up and get a blanc mind.
But lately luckily I can be very talkative to people.
I want to keep the conversation going so bad.
Does any of you fear this? and how can I deal with this?:shyness:

 

[Froggy246]

Oh mate, I'm so glad you said that! I thought it was just me, what is all that about!? I would go so far as to class it as one of my biggest phobias. It is the reason I say no to the majority of invites, because I'll start worrying that I won't be able to keep the conversation going and make the other person feel uncomfortable with a silence like it's some kind of curse. Whoever coined the phrase uncomfortable silences has a lot to answer for!
The problem is the more I think about it the more my mind goes blank, and then it can go into a speaking block.
I really want to get over it because I don't think there's anything wrong with silence, I just think that the other person must feel uncomfortable and that makes me feel bad.

Last year for a spell I met up with a friend and a few of her other friends to meditate together at her home and I found that time spent in silence to be worth more than the same time spent talking about current affairs or what have you.
I hate the feeling of forcing conversation, I can really feel the difference in quality, I prefer things to just plop out my mouth. Perhaps I'll make it a resolution to brave the silences and try to embrace them, regardless of how the other person/people might feel. I've been reading this book where a chap interviews Eckhart Tolle, and there are a lot of silences which at first he feels the strong urge to fill but by the end quite enjoys them!

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Heck, who wouldn't be?

 

[jaim38]

I don't fear silence itself, but I fear people getting uncomfortable because of my silence. In my experience, it's very hard to keep the convo going with someone who doesn't share the same interests with you. For instance, I spoke with this guy who has very different tastes in movies, music, tv series. In fact, there was almost nothing we had in common. It's just not possible to get the convo going any longer so I stopped speaking to him, and I could tell he was just as bored. It's important to find someone with at least 1 common interest you guys could talk about.

 

[SilentBird]

It depends. I often interpret another's silence after I say something as disapproval. Sometimes I enjoy silence with people I am comfortable with.

 

[sahxox]

hmm yes they can be terrifying... if you focus on them. I cope a lot better when I remember a conversation is 50/50. So therefore the "awkward" silence is as much the other person's "fault" as it is ours. They are normal, human interaction is awkward too much of the time, even for extroverted people without social phobia. Once you accept they don't seem to happen, because they do not matter as much so you can just free up your mind and move on.
Another big thing that helped me was that you are not supposed to get on with everyone... i.e. with the mix of personalities out there, not everybody has chemistry. And that's ok. At least you are out there having a go.

 

[MikeyC]

I just think that the other person must feel uncomfortable and that makes me feel bad.

I don't fear silence itself, but I fear people getting uncomfortable because of my silence.

I was going to answer these that the other person is also initiating the silence as much as you, but sahxox explained it much better.

hmm yes they can be terrifying... if you focus on them. I cope a lot better when I remember a conversation is 50/50. So therefore the "awkward" silence is as much the other person's "fault" as it is ours. They are normal, human interaction is awkward too much of the time, even for extroverted people without social phobia. Once you accept they don't seem to happen, because they do not matter as much so you can just free up your mind and move on.
Another big thing that helped me was that you are not supposed to get on with everyone... i.e. with the mix of personalities out there, not everybody has chemistry. And that's ok. At least you are out there having a go.

:thumbup:

 

[Meggy0001]

Definitely, I tend to avoid being alone with someone because of it so I tend to run away from people.
I hear people with friends and stuff and see that they have silences and pauses in conversations all the time or can walk all the way to a class and not say a word and its fine between them
but when its me I feel so uncomfortable and like I am doing something wrong and that it should never be silent and that the other person is judging me as well.
I think this is the main reason I tend to sit away from people and go in a corner on my own, it just takes the pressure of me.
I hate the feeling of forcing myself to speak all the time and the panic to think of something to say and then feeling like a failure afterwards and less confident

 

[Richey]

Nope.

I find people who want to fill in silences with anything just to make noise gives me more anxiety then someone who can just sit and be content with silence.

some of the best friendships I ever had were with friends where we didn't mind if it was quiet or not.

 

[Intrama]

I get more annoyed. Normally when a silence hits I kinda expect, internally, for the person to just leave.. they normally don't. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of it--but it's sure awkward and weird.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Awkward silence is horrible: the sudden frantic searching in your head for something else to say only to find a bunch of blank walls in a locked room.
The anxiety increases along with critical self-awareness, and the next step is thoughts of condemnation against yourself for not being able to come up with anything new to say; "I'm so stupid! Anybody else would be able to come up with an interesting point! They're going to hate me! I'll never have friends with a mind like this!!" and etc.

These self-slamming thoughts nudge out any further constructive things a person could come up with, and things probably go downhill unless the other person suddenly brings a topic up. It sucks!

The solution is to be aware of being a "dead-end conversationalist", and it has to do with how you answer the other person's questions or respond to a statement. I read a few articles on this some years back and have unfortunately forgotten them (Google-search the term! It's out there, and I'm about to go looking myself & bookmarking), but it's worth digging into.