Are you a virgin?

[twiggle]

I wasn't going to write again in this thread... but I just want to add:
(This directed towards people in general, before anyone gets confused by the use of the word 'you')

Virginity is only a hindrance to you if you allow it to be one.
Yeah there are women who claim to be put off by virgins, but women aren't exactly always fond of men who've 'been around' either. Some women only go for men who've slept with somebody they've been in a relationship with, and some women just don't care at all, provided they like the guy's personality.
Meaning?
That society is fickle. No matter who you are, what you do, whether you're a virgin or had several sexual partners - there will always be people who don't approve of it. So you just have to do what you're comfortable with.
The problem comes when people do as Rembrandt Broam mentioned, and overthink the importance of it all. The number of sexual partners you've had isn't plastered on your head. You don't need to tell anyone about it. You may feel as though you have to in order to be honest with a woman. That's fine, but it's not a necessity.
I would go as far as to say that it's not virginity that's the turn-off, but the lack of confidence people sometimes have when admitting they're a virgin. I'm friends with guys who didn't lose their virginity until their mid-20's, but it was never an issue. They were comfortable with who they are, they didn't act as though they had anything to be ashamed of, so women weren't put off by it.
Not everybody is lucky enough to be self-confident, I know that, but what I'm trying to urge you guys into believing, with all my posts on this thread, is that if you could only try and get some self-belief and accept whatever 'flaws' you think you may have, the rest will all come naturally.
Losing your virginity isn't always the answer. It won't eradicate your social phobia and it won't 'up your worth' because it's not an achievement. Better to work on accepting yourself, whoever you are, than trying to be what you think people want you to be.

I'm only saying all this to try and give people a different perspective. There is nothing worse than believing a guy is only showing interest in you because he wants you physically to appease his physical needs. So it's NOT always about women wanting guys who are experienced in bed. A real woman wants you for what you can give her, and if she's put off by your virginity it's likely that a) It's the lack of confidence that worries her or b) She's not interested in real romance, which is not what you'd want in a relationship.

This really is my last contribution to this thread.
Apart from when I quoted RB.

 

[twiggle]

The woman you recently slept with seems to have very specific sexual requirements from a partner, but I still think the reason you weren't compatible was more to do with your shyness/anxiety and awkwardness. (Wasn't one of her comments "You're so shy"?) You could have slept with ten women before her, and still not been enough of a "freak in bed" for her.

I totally agree that having confidence in yourself is very important, I just disagree that it's all down to whether you're a virgin or not. There are plenty of people out there, people with the "normal" level of sexual experience, who are in relationships where they and their partner are not sexually compatible.

Only just seen this but yes, spot-on as ever RB

 

[OceanMist]

QUOTE=Rembrandt Broam;The woman you recently slept with seems to have very specific sexual requirements from a partner, but I still think the reason you weren't compatible was more to do with your shyness/anxiety and awkwardness. (Wasn't one of her comments "You're so shy"?) You could have slept with ten women before her, and still not been enough of a "freak in bed" for her.

Yes and no. Did I also mention how she specified that "my lack of sexual experience" was the first reason she gave for getting rid of me? The main reason she gave for getting rid of me was that and saying that she didn't like that I'm a virgin.

I do agree that the girl was a bit unusual, and it's not that common for women to dispose of a guy for not being sexually experienced enough for her. The first thing I thought when she said that she wanted more sexual experience was that "Is a woman dumping the guy over sex?" Usually I'd expect that to be the other way around. So yeah, it was a bit of an unusual situation and that girl was a bit weird. When I heard the "freak in bed" line I laughed a bit because I was a bit surprised that a woman was telling a guy that.

I totally agree that having confidence in yourself is very important, I just disagree that it's all down to whether you're a virgin or not. There are plenty of people out there, people with the "normal" level of sexual experience, who are in relationships where they and their partner are not sexually compatible.[/QUOTE

I'm not saying it's all down to whether a guy is a virgin or not. I'm saying that is very related to a guy's personality, and there are many women that read into that.

I'm sure there are people that aren't sexually compatible. The thing with that is most of these people aren't as shy as me. If the guy displays social confidence, how he is in the sack isn't very important. The thing is, that same guy has multiple women under his belt that's he's slept with.

I have the worst combination: I'm shy, bad in bed, only slept with one woman and have like no social status. What I'm saying is people like me are not exactly a catch.

 

[Littlewilly]

Yep! a sex mac-hine.

 

[UnderTheBoughs]

Yes I am, 21 years old. I had some friends who were girls as a child, but that is as close to a girlfriend I have ever been.

 

[bsammy]

what ocean Mist is saying is pretty accurate from what ive experienced in my 35 years of life.id say most women want a man to be confident and at least somewhat outgoing.they also want a man with some degree of social status, they dont want a complete recluse that doesnt know where any bars or restaurants are.they also want a man to just listen to them and want to talk to them often.i have known guys that never work but have social confidence and are very outgoing and they will get women all week long..where other guys i know that have good jobs but are introverted or have anxiety problems and they will be hard pressed to find a single woman to go home with every week.being social and outgoing is so important for so many women these days, especially in the beginning weeks/months of a relationship.

as for being a virgin alot of women would think its very strange if you are late 20s or early 30s and still a virgin.not a certain deal breaker but it could be.

as for a shy, introverted guy that also has social anxiety going out and finding these shy girls to go out with, this is very hard.first off, you have to go out somewhat often enough to run into these shy girls and since the girl is shy, the guy will have to make the first move and this is difficult for a shy guy with social anxiety.another problem is when both people are shy and reserved this will make just hooking up and doing things quite difficult or awkward..this is why most couples are mix of extrovert/introvert..you have to have one person that is somewhat outgoing or nothing will ever happen..

im not a virgin but have only been with 3 women and it was due to drugs/alcohol.im 35 though so most women would see this as very strange as im a decent to good looking guy.they will wonder what i have been doing all along and i have a very difficult time explaining this away.i think the bigger problem is being outgoing and social..once women find out how much of a hermit i really am, it turns them off bigtime.

 

[OceanMist]

what ocean Mist is saying is pretty accurate from what ive experienced in my 35 years of life.id say most women want a man to be confident and at least somewhat outgoing.they also want a man with some degree of social status, they dont want a complete recluse that doesnt know where any bars or restaurants are.they also want a man to just listen to them and want to talk to them often.i have known guys that never work but have social confidence and are very outgoing and they will get women all week long..where other guys i know that have good jobs but are introverted or have anxiety problems and they will be hard pressed to find a single woman to go home with every week.being social and outgoing is so important for so many women these days, especially in the beginning weeks/months of a relationship.

as for being a virgin alot of women would think its very strange if you are late 20s or early 30s and still a virgin.not a certain deal breaker but it could be.

as for a shy, introverted guy that also has social anxiety going out and finding these shy girls to go out with, this is very hard.first off, you have to go out somewhat often enough to run into these shy girls and since the girl is shy, the guy will have to make the first move and this is difficult for a shy guy with social anxiety.another problem is when both people are shy and reserved this will make just hooking up and doing things quite difficult or awkward..this is why most couples are mix of extrovert/introvert..you have to have one person that is somewhat outgoing or nothing will ever happen..

im not a virgin but have only been with 3 women and it was due to drugs/alcohol.im 35 though so most women would see this as very strange as im a decent to good looking guy.they will wonder what i have been doing all along and i have a very difficult time explaining this away.i think the bigger problem is being outgoing and social..once women find out how much of a hermit i really am, it turns them off bigtime.

Thank you, everything you said is accurate and I think the same thing that you do.

You bring up a great point in your last paragraph about having to explain why you have little to no social life (I don't even have one). I don't care what people tell me on here, that matters more to women, most of them care more about a guy's social life.

I found myself in a position where I was talking about myself and realizing that she was realizing that I'm a freak but everything i do is by myself. That's part of the reason that last woman showed me the door so fast, she saw that I don't really have any friends.

It totally throws my whole game off because I can't even talk about myself without sounding like a loser that is by myself all the time. It's dating, it doesn't get any more personal than that. They always are going to find out that we don't have a social life if we don't have one. It's so weird because even most shy girls have social lives. The abnormality thing is killer.

 

[Invisibleman]

It totally throws my whole game off because I can't even talk about myself without sounding like a loser that is by myself all the time. It's dating, it doesn't get any more personal than that. They always are going to find out that we don't have a social life if we don't have one. It's so weird because even most shy girls have social lives. The abnormality thing is killer.

My god this. This is the thing that hurts my confidence with women the most. I have hardly anything I could call a social life. I have a few aquaintences at school that i sit and force awkward small talk with. I have talked to the shyest of shy girls and ive realized even they have more of a social life than i do. They actually hang out with real friends and the like. I sit and ponder about how long I could fake having a life if I were to meet a girl and ive unfortunetely realized that its not a very long time....

 

[bsammy]

^it is and the bottom line is the reason i dont have more of a social life is because im very introverted/avoidant but also because i feel so different from everyone else my age..mostly likely due to my avoidance/introversion so its a vicious cycle.you can force yourself to go out every day but if you feel uneasy and like an outcast it simply wont last.

even hardcore introverts that i know at least go out occasionally or have some sort of social circle or life..ill be honest, i dont either but i do go out occasionally but its only due to other people/family practically dragging me out.even the most understanding women are not going to want a guy that she has to drag to go out.

yes i have talked to women and tried to explain my 'life' which involves basically the same 3-4 things done day after day and most of the are caught off guard.plus, another thing i have difficulty is keeping the socializing interesting with a woman as i run out of things to say fast as i dont have much to say as i dont have much of a life at all!i dont have daily life experiences that are worth repeating or talking about so its usually me asking her questions and thats gets boring.this is another huge obstacle for us avoidants.

yep, you cant fake having a life when you are an avoidant.they are going to find you out pretty quickly.you almost have to come out right away and tell them that you dont do much of anything ever and thats not going to go well with most women.so us avoidants are almost forced to lie or embellish a little.

 

[bsammy]

invisibleman-trust me, faking it isnt going to work and when you are found out, then what?also, you are still young i gather which makes it harder in a way but just wait until you get older like me..im 35 and have very little life experiences to talk about, no social circle, no social drama, no kids, ex wives so you can only imagine how difficult it is in my situation.

 

[OceanMist]

^it is and the bottom line is the reason i dont have more of a social life is because im very introverted/avoidant but also because i feel so different from everyone else my age..mostly likely due to my avoidance/introversion so its a vicious cycle.you can force yourself to go out every day but if you feel uneasy and like an outcast it simply wont last.

even hardcore introverts that i know at least go out occasionally or have some sort of social circle or life..ill be honest, i dont either but i do go out occasionally but its only due to other people/family practically dragging me out.even the most understanding women are not going to want a guy that she has to drag to go out.

yes i have talked to women and tried to explain my 'life' which involves basically the same 3-4 things done day after day and most of the are caught off guard.plus, another thing i have difficulty is keeping the socializing interesting with a woman as i run out of things to say fast as i dont have much to say as i dont have much of a life at all!i dont have daily life experiences that are worth repeating or talking about so its usually me asking her questions and thats gets boring.this is another huge obstacle for us avoidants.

yep, you cant fake having a life when you are an avoidant.they are going to find you out pretty quickly.you almost have to come out right away and tell them that you dont do much of anything ever and thats not going to go well with most women.so us avoidants are almost forced to lie or embellish a little.

Yes, this is so me. What i don't get is what are we supposed to do?

I've asked this before on here and people bring up silly propositions like "learn how to talk more" or "man up." I'm 27 now and you are 35. We are at an age where our social abilities are going to be what they are. Our personality can't just be turned on. We are quiet by nature, people just don't understand that.

Emasculating me by telling me to man up just makes me crawl into my hole even farther. I didn't choose to be a man so it's very unfair that I'm somehow obligated to show manliness in order to succeed in this world.

I feel like I'm stuck. I don't like being around people, but obviously I'm human so I feel depressed when I'm not around people for a long time. It's weird because I feel depressed when I'm around people too, and feel even more uncomfortable.

I've been considering like church youth groups or some jogging club or something, because I don't know if I have the guts to go to bars with my friends or parties again. This is such a significant problem that doesn't really have a good solution. I have to ask myself which I hate more, being with or without people. I seem to keep telling myself i hate being around people more because it's more uncomfortable and boring.

 

[OceanMist]

invisibleman-trust me, faking it isnt going to work and when you are found out, then what?also, you are still young i gather which makes it harder in a way but just wait until you get older like me..im 35 and have very little life experiences to talk about, no social circle, no social drama, no kids, ex wives so you can only imagine how difficult it is in my situation.

Yeah, I agree, faking it would be impossible if you expect to have any kind of open relationship with the woman. She's going to ask to meet the guy's friends eventually. Either that or she'll find out some other way, by noticing that the guy never goes out. Women are great at picking up on stuff like that.

Then once she finds out, she'll be even more angry because the guy lied to her and will question whether she can trust him.

 

[bsammy]

ocean-its a huge problem and im not sure how to get around it.probably why a large part of me has given up on relationships.i simply see them as almost being impossible to maintain while keeping my sanity

well it does help to have social skills and i have learned them but even then it hasnt helped me much as i still grow very tired of socializing.i will always be very introverted but ill never be an outgoing/social person.i will never seek out people to talk to, im simply not wired that way.i can go to a party and force myself to talk to people but its very tiring.

i often get very tired and bored of having to portray a manly man so this is probably why i am so isolated.

oh im stuck and i think im doomed tbh.im going to have to accept my bachelor/loner lifestyle and come to peace with it or else im screwed.like you i need some 'people time' but i find that when im with people, i often feel worse, more detached and empty and usually come away feeling more depressed which makes me isolate even more.vicious cycle.

 

[Anti Matter]

ocean-its a huge problem and im not sure how to get around it.probably why a large part of me has given up on relationships.i simply see them as almost being impossible to maintain while keeping my sanity

well it does help to have social skills and i have learned them but even then it hasnt helped me much as i still grow very tired of socializing.i will always be very introverted but ill never be an outgoing/social person.i will never seek out people to talk to, im simply not wired that way.i can go to a party and force myself to talk to people but its very tiring.

i often get very tired and bored of having to portray a manly man so this is probably why i am so isolated.

oh im stuck and i think im doomed tbh.im going to have to accept my bachelor/loner lifestyle and come to peace with it or else im screwed.like you i need some 'people time' but i find that when im with people, i often feel worse, more detached and empty and usually come away feeling more depressed which makes me isolate even more.vicious cycle.

This ^ I often find myself putting an "act" on in front of people sometimes, I used to do it often but I've calmed down now because I hardly go out...ha. It becomes a chore and a pain in the backside to actually try and talk to people, all the crappy questions you need to ask and all the fake laughs, It's a shame people either choose to ignore it or don't see it at the end of the social gathering or w/e thing I go to I end up hating myself and taking a step by step process on how I should of handled the situation thus making myself even worse.

Not once have I stepped into a place without putting an act on and I've seen people do it all the time, tell me is the human race doomed to play childish games with each other because society dictates?

God damn it, I hate the BS.

 

[OceanMist]

QUOTE=bsammy;ocean-its a huge problem and im not sure how to get around it.probably why a large part of me has given up on relationships.i simply see them as almost being impossible to maintain while keeping my sanity

I don't know if you should give up. I know it's tough having no woman in your life for so long, my whole life has been like that for the most part, at least my potential dating years have been.

You are probably a good guy, so I imagine there is a lady out there that can love you. I think I'm a good guy too, so I think it's possible that I can find love.

I do think a bit more apathy is a good way to go about things, though. Like not caring whether we have a woman or not. Of course, I've been like that for a while and all that happens is I don't talk to anybody so I'm kind of torn.

I really think part of the issue is what Gilmartin said, that we don't have enough human connection so we seek intimate connection. Still, all people seek out their soul-mate, and that's a desire that Gilmartin failed to recognize.

well it does help to have social skills and i have learned them but even then it hasnt helped me much as i still grow very tired of socializing.i will always be very introverted but ill never be an outgoing/social person.i will never seek out people to talk to, im simply not wired that way.i can go to a party and force myself to talk to people but its very tiring.


I feel the same way about myself. I'm doing a relaxation thing but I don't know if that will work or not. If it doesn't, then I'm always going to be the same introverted, shy person. People tell me to be okay with that and then I say, so I should be okay with not connecting with people and being a loner the rest of my life? It's just a very tough thing to live with.

I can't force myself to be somebody else. It's way too tiring and never have the guts to do it consistently anyway.

i often get very tired and bored of having to portray a manly man so this is probably why i am so isolated.

I know what you mean. You have to try to be this confident man to be accepted by society as normal and have other people talk to you with respect. I can't tell you how many times I've been called a little girl or a little boy. It seems no matter what I do, people think of me as a child, especially women think of me as a child in many cases.

oh im stuck and i think im doomed tbh.im going to have to accept my bachelor/loner lifestyle and come to peace with it or else im screwed.like you i need some 'people time' but i find that when im with people, i often feel worse, more detached and empty and usually come away feeling more depressed which makes me isolate even more.vicious cycle.

Yep, I'm the same way. I don't know what to do right now. Should we just accept that we are flawed and may live by ourselves for the rest of our lives? Idk. It sounds appealing to do that because then we'd never have to worry about finding friends or a g/f. The problem is that it's dangerous to be alone as much as I am.

I really do think what drives many people to hurting themselves is because they never find love. Maintaining sanity is difficult in our situation.

 

[Felgen]

My god this. This is the thing that hurts my confidence with women the most. I have hardly anything I could call a social life. I have a few aquaintences at school that i sit and force awkward small talk with. I have talked to the shyest of shy girls and ive realized even they have more of a social life than i do. They actually hang out with real friends and the like. I sit and ponder about how long I could fake having a life if I were to meet a girl and ive unfortunetely realized that its not a very long time....

Fake it 'til you make it. It's not gonna give you a relationship, but it'll get you laid--which in turn can be used as a stepping stone to build confidence and social skills; thus making you more "eligible" for a relationship.

(This is what I did.)

 

[Imogen]

Yuuup. People tend to look at me and go 'You're 24 and a virgin? *insert insults, jokes and lame offers of 'I'll sleep with you hurr hurr' here*', but it really doesn't bother me. I don't want to sleep with anyone, and the idea of it totally grosses me out. Always has. I broke up with my first boyfriend recently and honestly? I don't care if I ever sleep with anyone or ever have another boyfriend or significant other, ever. Guess that's callous of me, but I like my solitude too much and the idea of being physical with someone? No frigging way. *runs off and hides in a tree stump*

 

[AsTimeBurns]

Whilst people tend to agree that it would be easier if you found someone else who was shy/timid/etc... in reality that's extremely difficult, because those people are alread in a minority, plus they are much less likely to chat to you because of their own shyness. So you have to find that tiny group of shy girl/guy who is just confident enough to talk to you.

 

[Kinetik]

My god this. This is the thing that hurts my confidence with women the most. I have hardly anything I could call a social life. I have a few aquaintences at school that i sit and force awkward small talk with. I have talked to the shyest of shy girls and ive realized even they have more of a social life than i do. They actually hang out with real friends and the like. I sit and ponder about how long I could fake having a life if I were to meet a girl and ive unfortunetely realized that its not a very long time....

I never had any friends either but I always got girls - it's all in how you package it. Do you go around acting lame and lamenting the fact that you don't know anyone? Or are you happy to stand alone?

In my case, I turned my fear of people into an I-don't-need-anyone mentality. It was a relief to do so because I found that I was more comfortable keeping to myself anyway. And guess what? It worked. I never befriended people and generally always stayed at home, but if I wanted to have female attention, I'd get drunk and head out to the bar all the same. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my older brother. I got mixed results, but I did have quite a lot of success overall. And I've pissed away a large part of my life so far - vegging out in my apartment, watching films and drinking. But I have had good times as well, and I'm getting married for the second time this summer. That's saying a lot, coming from a person who hates being out in society.

Now think for a moment about the strongest men we see portrayed in society and the media - they're all lone wolves. You may not have any friends, but neither does James Bond. Do you see what I'm getting at? You can be strong AND anti-social. They're not mutually exclusive. All you need to do is grow into yourself more and recognize what you do and don't like. Can't stand to be around people? Then quit trying to hang out and instead, do what makes you feel good. Once you're true to yourself and let go of all the bs, new doors open.

I know I've quoted this one post, but this applies to a lot of guys here who are feeling down about themselves. You really can be an awesome, desirable guy while still being completely you.

 

[Invisibleman]

I never had any friends either but I always got girls - it's all in how you package it. Do you go around acting lame and lamenting the fact that you don't know anyone? Or are you happy to stand alone?

In my case, I turned my fear of people into an I-don't-need-anyone mentality. It was a relief to do so because I found that I was more comfortable keeping to myself anyway. And guess what? It worked. I never befriended people and generally always stayed at home, but if I wanted to have female attention, I'd get drunk and head out to the bar all the same. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my older brother. I got mixed results, but I did have quite a lot of success overall. And I've pissed away a large part of my life so far - vegging out in my apartment, watching films and drinking. But I have had good times as well, and I'm getting married for the second time this summer. That's saying a lot, coming from a person who hates being out in society.

Now think for a moment about the strongest men we see portrayed in society and the media - they're all lone wolves. You may not have any friends, but neither does James Bond. Do you see what I'm getting at? You can be strong AND anti-social. They're not mutually exclusive. All you need to do is grow into yourself more and recognize what you do and don't like. Can't stand to be around people? Then quit trying to hang out and instead, do what makes you feel good. Once you're true to yourself and let go of all the bs, new doors open.

I know I've quoted this one post, but this applies to a lot of guys here who are feeling down about themselves. You really can be an awesome, desirable guy while still being completely you.

Honestly chief thats exactly what ive done for years and it hasnt worked out any better.