Alone in the crowd

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
I'm tired of going places alone. I like being alone. I like shopping and doing errands alone. I just don't like going alone to places where I'm expected to socialize. I'm tired of showing up alone at parties and events where most people would go with a date or with friends. It gets old. I'm always the odd one out, sitting in a corner or standing around by myself, hardly associating with anybody. It's horribly uncomfortable. All I want to do is leave.

There's a local tradition where I live; people throw fundraising "socials," usually before weddings and for various other reasons. You rent a hall, hire a DJ, and sell tickets to whoever wants to go. I hate them. One of my friends is getting married next year and just had her social. She came in from out of town and since I don't really see her anymore I couldn't exactly not go. It was awful. I've met her other friends, but I don't know them very well. I really just feel like an outcast around them. I stood around like a loser all night. The wedding is gonna be worse. On top of showing up alone, I'm going to have fly to another city alone, stay in a hotel alone, and ride in a taxi alone (which I dread the most).

I've never actually brought a date to a wedding. I was the guest once, but that was a long time ago. For the past few years I've had at least one wedding a year and I'm tired of never bringing anyone along. Most of time, they're family weddings, so at least I know other people, but I did go to one last year where I really didn't know anyone other than the bride and groom. That was awkward hell. My brother is getting married next year too. I'm pretty sure that's gonna be a whole other level of awful.

Parties suck. I just feel like such a loner. I like being a loner when I'm actually alone, just not when I'm in the middle of a bunch of people socializing.
 

R3K

Well-known member
ya i'm tired of weddings too. gotta see all my cocky, super-successful cousins with their spouses in their expensive suits and shit. I feel like just throwing an apron on and helping the catering service instead of hanging out with these pig-headed yuppies called my "family"
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I think that is when I am happiest, at big fun runs, lost forever in a happy crowd. Anonymous yet surrounded by thousands of other runners all having a good time.
 

Livemylife

Well-known member
You must know a lot of people to go to so many weddings. Why not ask the bride to attend your brother's wedding? Or is that weird?

I've given up on being alone in public. Everything in the city I live in seems reserved for socializing. It just seems odd for a girl my age to be alone and out and about. I'm going to start making more meals at home since I even feel awkward in fast food places. And Starbucks-like places have too many people. Anyway, I plan on spending the minimum time necessary in public.

I've never gone to a party alone I don't think. I can't see how I'd end up in that scenario.
 

Odo

Banned
I know exactly what you mean, Amanda. I willfully avoid all kinds of situations nowadays because I don't want to face the stigma of being alone... which is so much worse than actually being alone.

It makes me feel like less of an adult, or like I've failed somehow, or like I'm a loser... there's this sense of being alone being something that you should change about yourself-- so instead of them saying 'I need to be open about differences between people' like they would if it were a race/sexuality issue, they say 'what is wrong with this person and why don't they want to change?'.

It's more destructive because there is no incentive to correct the imbalance (I mean with other people's perceptions)-- and meanwhile, it costs you promotions, relationships, health, etc., and you're the one who gets blamed for it.

I guess some of it is probably in our own heads, but yeah, this is definitely one of those things that I'm really defensive about.
 

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
ya i'm tired of weddings too. gotta see all my cocky, super-successful cousins with their spouses in their expensive suits and shit. I feel like just throwing an apron on and helping the catering service instead of hanging out with these pig-headed yuppies called my "family"
Yeah, most of my relatives are the loud, outgoing, extroverted types. I'll sit and talk to some of them, but I don't exactly want to party with them. Plus at any family gathering, I usually get the "so why don't you have a boyfriend" kinda crap from someone.


I think that is when I am happiest, at big fun runs, lost forever in a happy crowd. Anonymous yet surrounded by thousands of other runners all having a good time.
See, a run is somewhere that you're not really expected to socialize. You can, but that's not the point of it. I like going to the gym alone. Some people go with other people, some go alone, and nobody cares either way. I just put on headphones and tune everybody out.


You must know a lot of people to go to so many weddings.
I have a large family. I'm 28 and I have a lot of cousins close to my age.

Livemylife said:
Why not ask the bride to attend your brother's wedding? Or is that weird?
Sorry, I'm not sure what you're getting at.


I know exactly what you mean, Amanda. I willfully avoid all kinds of situations nowadays because I don't want to face the stigma of being alone... which is so much worse than actually being alone.

It makes me feel like less of an adult, or like I've failed somehow, or like I'm a loser... there's this sense of being alone being something that you should change about yourself-- so instead of them saying 'I need to be open about differences between people' like they would if it were a race/sexuality issue, they say 'what is wrong with this person and why don't they want to change?'.
This. I'd love to just avoid all these parties but sometimes it's the choice between looking like a loser for sitting there alone or looking like a bitch for not showing up. It's lose-lose. With family stuff, at least I know people, so I'm not completely alone. It just gets really tiring going to every single wedding without a date. (Of course, if I had a boyfriend, I'd probably have some obnoxious uncle asking when it's our turn or something. It's still lose-lose.) If it's something for a friend, I never feel like part of the group. I don't actually have even a small group of friends. I have a few distant friends. If I had one or two other (somewhat close) friends, I could bring someone along with me. Instead I show up alone, thinking people are staring at me, wondering what's wrong with me the whole time.

Odo said:
It's more destructive because there is no incentive to correct the imbalance (I mean with other people's perceptions)-- and meanwhile, it costs you promotions, relationships, health, etc., and you're the one who gets blamed for it.
Yeah, victim blaming. It's my fault that I was bullied, had numerous friends move away over the years, and just grew apart from people because we never had enough in common to form a strong friendship. Sure, maybe it's partly my fault that I didn't make enough effort to keep in touch with some people, but it's not my fault that I'm scarred from the past and never really figured out how to interact with people. It's not my fault that I'm clueless and afraid to even send someone a text to say hi now and then. There's also this catch-22 where people don't want to befriend someone who doesn't have any friends. It's a lot easier to make new friends when you already have some.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
I don't mind being alone in the crowd. I eat alone in restaurants, and I like the idea of being out and around people but not necessarily being social. :) Of course, that's a lot different to a wedding.

I like going to the gym alone. Some people go with other people, some go alone, and nobody cares either way. I just put on headphones and tune everybody out.
You and I both. :thumbup:
 

Livemylife

Well-known member
Sorry, I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Well I was saying that if you attend someone's wedding, why not invite them to go to a future wedding? You said in your post your brother's wedding was coming up. I simply said why not ask a bride whose wedding you attended to accompany you......
 

R3K

Well-known member
Yeah, most of my relatives are the loud, outgoing, extroverted types. I'll sit and talk to some of them, but I don't exactly want to party with them. Plus at any family gathering, I usually get the "so why don't you have a boyfriend" kinda crap from someone.

oh god I haaaate this feeling. I actually had a "date" for my sister's wedding, this 21 year old latina girl I workd with at the time who had a bf... seems she just wanted to go for the experience... it was actually kinda worse having a "date" because everyone thot she was my gf and I had to tell them all (in front of her too) that we're just friends and that kinda shit is just like twisting the knife. I shlda went stag like I always do :sad:
 

Diend

Well-known member
Your question made me question whether my desire to be more extroverted is a "mental disorder" kind of like anorexia or body dysmorphic syndrome. The idea that I am a shy person and need to be more extroverted has resonated so many times in my life that I will never be satisfied with my social life as the way it is. I will always be comparing myself to the next more extroverted individual which is how this disorder relates to anorexia. If that is the case, I believe there might be a problem.
 

BlueWeepingRose

Well-known member
You're not alone on this Amanda. I get extremely nervous whenever I go to events, especially when it's family events. Always end up finding myself sitting in the corner and don't really talk to many people. My whole life I always got nervous whenever I went to parties cause I knew I'd be left out and that no one talked to me. Now I'm so used to be a loner that it doesn't bother me much anymore. The only thing I wish I had was a few friends around where I live, but I don't even have that. Most of all my friends are all online.
 

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
I don't mind being alone in the crowd. I eat alone in restaurants, and I like the idea of being out and around people but not necessarily being social. :) Of course, that's a lot different to a wedding.
I hate eating alone at restaurants. I actually don't think I've ever done it. But I've eaten alone in mall food courts and that's awful too. I have no issue with eating in public if I'm with people. Although, if I don't really feel like I'm part of the group, it can be pretty uncomfortable. The above mentioned friend had a few parties at lounges in the past and I just sat there drinking diet coke the whole time. Having a drink keeps me occupied and that way I'm not literally just sitting there. I just felt like an outcast and I wasn't really comfortable with the people around me. I was just kinda there, half listening to the conversations around me, but not really involved in them much. I decided to avoid ordering food because I felt weird about sitting there eating and staring off into space while not really talking to anyone.


Well I was saying that if you attend someone's wedding, why not invite them to go to a future wedding? You said in your post your brother's wedding was coming up. I simply said why not ask a bride whose wedding you attended to accompany you......
Yeah, that's not gonna work. I'm not so desperate that I'd want to just bring anyone I know. I meant more that it gets tiring going to wedding after wedding after wedding and always being single. Bringing a friend wouldn't change that fact. And this friend that's getting married lives in another city. Plus I do think it would be weird to bring a married friend to a wedding. I also don't want anyone thinking I'm a lesbian.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
I hate eating alone at restaurants. I actually don't think I've ever done it. But I've eaten alone in mall food courts and that's awful too. I have no issue with eating in public if I'm with people. Although, if I don't really feel like I'm part of the group, it can be pretty uncomfortable. The above mentioned friend had a few parties at lounges in the past and I just sat there drinking diet coke the whole time. Having a drink keeps me occupied and that way I'm not literally just sitting there. I just felt like an outcast and I wasn't really comfortable with the people around me. I was just kinda there, half listening to the conversations around me, but not really involved in them much. I decided to avoid ordering food because I felt weird about sitting there eating and staring off into space while not really talking to anyone.
I have an iPod and I've even taken a book to restaurants before, so I am always occupied. I guess it's different to being at a party, where you pretty much have to socialise.

Not being involved in conversations can be daunting, and I've been in that situation, too. There's really no "out," unless you want to risk rudeness and just leave.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I rarely eat and resturaunts I usually go for take away. Rarely at a Café, sometimes at a Subway, or at food courts. I like to eat Sushi or Thai, while I reas a newspaper or magazine.

Recently I spent 12 days with people on a field trip, sharing kitchen facilities. That was really hard for me, I haven't sat down to a meal with other people in a domestic situation for nearly twenty years.
 

Griffin

Well-known member
I don't mind being alone for certain things. Sightseeing, holidays, going to the cinema, shopping, general walking around.

It would be nice to have some company, though. There are certain places I would never go to by myself - restaurants, bars, and music gigs are all non-starters for me.

I totally get what you're saying about feeling awkward in groups, especially if you don't know the people very well. It's hard to connect to people when essentially all you're doing is small talk (which I'm not too good at). Over the past year, I've started to feel a little distance from those whom I consider friends or good acquaintances.

I think the only thing to do is to try and be positive. Try and meet new people, keep in touch with those you already know. In any given situation, just try asking people how they are. Listen to what they say about their lives and ask them about it. Just get talking by asking questions - a lot of people are happy to talk about themselves, but remember to return the favour just a little.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I was alone walking in the bush yesterday and I felt really happy. I had the option of going to a fun run this morning, which would've involved mixing with people, some who think they know me, and I am relieved I didn't go. I just feel so much fear in those situations.
 

THeCARS1979

Well-known member
I'm tired of going places alone. I like being alone. I like shopping and doing errands alone. I just don't like going alone to places where I'm expected to socialize. I'm tired of showing up alone at parties and events where most people would go with a date or with friends. It gets old. I'm always the odd one out, sitting in a corner or standing around by myself, hardly associating with anybody. It's horribly uncomfortable. All I want to do is leave.

There's a local tradition where I live; people throw fundraising "socials," usually before weddings and for various other reasons. You rent a hall, hire a DJ, and sell tickets to whoever wants to go. I hate them. One of my friends is getting married next year and just had her social. She came in from out of town and since I don't really see her anymore I couldn't exactly not go. It was awful. I've met her other friends, but I don't know them very well. I really just feel like an outcast around them. I stood around like a loser all night. The wedding is gonna be worse. On top of showing up alone, I'm going to have fly to another city alone, stay in a hotel alone, and ride in a taxi alone (which I dread the most).

I've never actually brought a date to a wedding. I was the guest once, but that was a long time ago. For the past few years I've had at least one wedding a year and I'm tired of never bringing anyone along. Most of time, they're family weddings, so at least I know other people, but I did go to one last year where I really didn't know anyone other than the bride and groom. That was awkward hell. My brother is getting married next year too. I'm pretty sure that's gonna be a whole other level of awful.

Parties suck. I just feel like such a loner. I like being a loner when I'm actually alone, just not when I'm in the middle of a bunch of people socializing.
Ive been places alone and yes it trully sux too
 
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