How are you feeling?

Who gives a fu... Who cares? :sad: At that point n' age in life where things aren't likely to change. Family's going to shit, falling apart. They accuse me of not caring about 'em and gloss over how I constantly compromising everythin' in my life to ensure they're always happy. Probably why I'm always feelin' knackered? My health is going downhill, basically.

Then I wonder why I should care, since my mother and older sisters don't seem to care about me. They say they do, but their words and actions don't match. But hey, my mother's a pathological liar, so it's different to tell when she and the other two are being honest. But it's me who's the bad guy, according to them.

Oh, speaking of family, my oldest sibling went in the huff with me again a couple days ago. Surprise, surprise. All because she wanted to listen to a music composition I'd made that was recent, but I was too busy trying to recover lost iTunes files on my laptop. mg: Eventually, I had no choice but to appease her and let her listen to one. :kickingmyself:

And... that's my life. :thumbdown:

I can't stop thinking about putting a bullet into my brain. It's all I have thought about for a while now. I want to do it sooooooo badly. I am done with all the daily shit I deal with and will probably continue to deal with. I have no promising tomorrow to look forward to so why stick around?

defiance said:

I can't stop thinking about putting a bullet into my brain. It's all I have thought about for a while now. I want to do it sooooooo badly. I am done with all the daily shit I deal with and will probably continue to deal with. I have no promising tomorrow to look forward to so why stick around?

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TIME is your best friend.
It never stops. TIME is always moving forward.
Someone said to me a long, long time ago that "your life will be different in 5 years time than it is now".
As I am a chronic sceptic, I assumed that they were automatically wrong.
But 30 years later, I know what they meant.
In each 5 year period since then, my life was different each "5 years later".
Yes there were still problems, people and stress to deal with, but they were different people and different stresses to deal with.
Even the same problems I still had I thought of in a different way, in a different environment, and at different levels than 5 years ago.
Life and my problems were not 'better' or 'easier', BUT how I experienced and thought about them were DIFFERENT. Not better, just different.
How you perceive your problems and the environment you live in is not exactly the same in 5 years time.
Your life may be worse, it may be harder, it may be a bit easier to deal with, it may be more complicated, you may have less problems, you may have more problems.
I have found it helps to 'put up' with your miserable life by telling yourself that in 5 years time, nothing in my life will be exactly the same as it is right now.
I can cope with living, because in 5 years time I know whatever new/different/varied things I have to cope with, will not be exactly what I have to deal with right now.

Don't know if that makes any sense to you or not, but I am just passing on what has helped me.

defiance said:

I can't stop thinking about putting a bullet into my brain. It's all I have thought about for a while now. I want to do it sooooooo badly. I am done with all the daily shit I deal with and will probably continue to deal with. I have no promising tomorrow to look forward to so why stick around?

Click to expand...

This past week i've been thinking a lot about ending it all. I've been unable to get those thought outta my head. It's become like a habit to think such things. But i'm now trying NOT to think such things, as it just fuels the fire (esp if i've been drinking). I need to "calm down", and let recent stresses dwindle away, and to not obsess about it. I'm already past most of the obsessing (i have some ocd), and back to my normal, bored, miserable self :thumbup:

Besides, we're all GOING to die eventually. One could argue 'so why not die now?'. But one can ALSO argue 'so why not wait it out, for INTEREST, to see what will happen in the next 5, 10, 15.. years?'

But i have to say, even though i'm not currently "suicidal" (thinking suicidal thoughts), i still believe my life has no real ultimate purpose (like i did for most of my life, falsely) or meaning whatsoever. It's hard to shake off those beliefs.

I'm not sure I belong in this world. So much doesn't make sense anymore. I don't feel safe or welcome or loved. I'm so damn tired. :sad:

GraybeardGhost said:

I'm not sure I belong in this world. So much doesn't make sense anymore. I don't feel safe or welcome or loved. I'm so damn tired. :sad:

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Me neither. :sad:

BlueDays said:

TIME is your best friend.
It never stops. TIME is always moving forward.
Someone said to me a long, long time ago that "your life will be different in 5 years time than it is now".
As I am a chronic sceptic, I assumed that they were automatically wrong.
But 30 years later, I know what they meant.
In each 5 year period since then, my life was different each "5 years later".
Yes there were still problems, people and stress to deal with, but they were different people and different stresses to deal with.
Even the same problems I still had I thought of in a different way, in a different environment, and at different levels than 5 years ago.
Life and my problems were not 'better' or 'easier', BUT how I experienced and thought about them were DIFFERENT. Not better, just different.
How you perceive your problems and the environment you live in is not exactly the same in 5 years time.
Your life may be worse, it may be harder, it may be a bit easier to deal with, it may be more complicated, you may have less problems, you may have more problems.
I have found it helps to 'put up' with your miserable life by telling yourself that in 5 years time, nothing in my life will be exactly the same as it is right now.
I can cope with living, because in 5 years time I know whatever new/different/varied things I have to cope with, will not be exactly what I have to deal with right now.

Don't know if that makes any sense to you or not, but I am just passing on what has helped me.

Click to expand...

What you said here is a great point. My only fear is that five years from now my situation could possibly be worse than what it is now. As it is, I am barely hanging on and so if it gets worse than what it is now, then I can say 100% I would take my own life with no hesitation. I just can't see it getting any better is all. I do hope I am terribly wrong about that as any improvement would be greatly appreciated. However, I just don't see it happening sadly.

theslowesthand said:

This past week i've been thinking a lot about ending it all. I've been unable to get those thought outta my head. It's become like a habit to think such things. But i'm now trying NOT to think such things, as it just fuels the fire (esp if i've been drinking). I need to "calm down", and let recent stresses dwindle away, and to not obsess about it. I'm already past most of the obsessing (i have some ocd), and back to my normal, bored, miserable self :thumbup:

Besides, we're all GOING to die eventually. One could argue 'so why not die now?'. But one can ALSO argue 'so why not wait it out, for INTEREST, to see what will happen in the next 5, 10, 15.. years?'

But i have to say, even though i'm not currently "suicidal" (thinking suicidal thoughts), i still believe my life has no real ultimate purpose (like i did for most of my life, falsely) or meaning whatsoever. It's hard to shake off those beliefs.

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It's just really hard to want to stick around for that long when you hurt so much. I probably will but if I am still like this then honestly 40 is as far as I would be willing to go.

Clingin' to life - and by extension, ma own sanity, by a thin f*ckin' thread. :kickingmyself:

Mentioned wantin' to finally move out the family house, and my oldest sister gave a lecture about how folk living on their own tend to have a higher risk o' suicide. Stupid bitch! I've had plenty o' opportunity to take ma life in the past 15 year, I'd have done by now. Y'know, considering my upbringing.

And before ya start saying she's just concerned, she went on about at length, like she wus trying to put me off moving out. :thinking:
That said, is there quite a high suicide rate amoungst introverts? :question:

The despair today is so strong, it hurts.
I cannot cry anymore. I have no tears left.

Graeme1988 said:

Clingin' to life - and by extension, ma own sanity, by a thin f*ckin' thread. :kickingmyself:

Mentioned wantin' to finally move out the family house, and my oldest sister gave a lecture about how folk living on their own tend to have a higher risk o' suicide. Stupid bitch! I've had plenty o' opportunity to take ma life in the past 15 year, I'd have done by now. Y'know, considering my upbringing.

And before ya start saying she's just concerned, she went on about at length, like she wus trying to put me off moving out. :thinking:
That said, is there quite a high suicide rate amoungst introverts? :question:

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Well, given that the reason you have been currently feeling like ending it all has been the extreme stress that living with your family has caused, you would be better off living by yourself, Graeme.
From how you have described your sister before, I would wonder if there was an ulterior motive to her wanting to talk you out of moving out?

BlueDays said:

Well, given that the reason you have been currently feeling like ending it all has been the extreme stress that living with your family has caused, you would be better off living by yourself, Graeme.
From how you have described your sister before, I would wonder if there was an ulterior motive to her wanting to talk you out of moving out?

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Indeed there is. I'm the one who been tasked with taking care of our mother. Not outta goods of my own heart. But because that's how my mother wants it to be. See, she keeps telling me she won't cope without me, and I wouldn't with her. Yet, when she f*cked to Ireland to visit my older sister, I got on fine, with minimal help from my oldest sibling. But me wanting to move out is supposedly a form of emotionally blackmail, according to my mother. Let me repeat that: She's the one sayin' she won't cope without me. Aye, who's blackmaling who, again?

Plus, it doesn't really matter, that I'm miserable, does it? That'd much rather be dead, like ma dad. Apparently, I'm not affected by this pending divorce within the family. Yet I'm hearing the arguments and insults everyday. And my oldest sister asks me how I feel about it, and I can't just say:
Nope! Gotta care, because... Family. Yet, I feel that response would be toyally justified. Since I've had to listen to my mother, since I was 14, prattle on about how much she hates men and shit her life turned out. Or that she advised my older sister against getting married. Almost like she knew all her kids would f*ck-up when it came relationships. But I guess that how it goes when yer mum's a domestic abuse victim who considers talk-therapy a "waste of time". Much better to burden yer son with that toxic masculinity BS, innit? :thumbdown: Then plead total ignorance as to why he's became just like his father. Cuz it wasn't your fault.

Or the fact I've constantly compromised and gave up every opportunity to be happy myself, just to appease the wishes of my mother. Cuz to hell with what I want outta life. Or that I do every asked of me, even when my mother and sisters pout, bat their eyes n' go: "Pleease!" raying: Because I'm never allowed to say "No" to them. They see that word as personal insult, coming from me. And if I do, they like to turn it on me and say I'm being ungrateful. Work that yin oot, if ye can?

Yet, they give me excuse after excuse when them to help me with something, like finding something I misplace, or me asking for well to tidy out my room. Or they'll say they're going to help or do what I've asked on this day, at this time. That day comes: "Oh, we'll do get it sorted next week" :kickingmyself: But I'm the one who's difficult to live with, apparently! So it must be true.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a tangent there.

^ Though, having said all that, I don't think I was ever meant to be happy. :sad: Much less deserve happiness. :idontknow:

defiance said:

It's just really hard to want to stick around for that long when you hurt so much. I probably will but if I am still like this then honestly 40 is as far as I would be willing to go.

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I'm 45, and for the last few years i feel i've been living on "borrowed time". Can't believe i've made it through all that hell.

I have a feeling that the constant boredom is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. It's made a nest in my brain. :thumbdown: :idontknow: :sad:

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Nervously waiting for the grocery gal to bring my stuff. Got the pretty one this time. Really pretty. Did I mention I'm nervous? :shyness:

BlueDays said:

The despair today is so strong, it hurts.
I cannot cry anymore. I have no tears left.

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Sadly I know the feeling you are describing all to well myself. I hope you feel a lot better soon.

BlueDays said:

Sadly Capitalism is the new religion in the West.
The media is used to make people feel 'not good enough' in all areas of life.

Then, any money people they have left over after the essentials - shelter, food, clothing, and bills are paid for, they will spend on whatever goods they can find to help them either - A) bring them up to the unattainable 'standard' advertised in all forms of media, or B) make themselves feel better with 'shopping therapy', purchasing the latest consumables that will make them 'Happy'.

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seriously! everything seems based on superficial BS...not to mention, every new phone can do MORE stuff. its like they're trying to get people dependent on technology. I feel bad for some of the younger generations who never knew what life was like without smart phones and lap tops..especially because they grew up with social media like Facebook and instagram (which can really make people more shallow if you think about it)....

I hope more parents tell their kids about this bullshit so they (the kid) dont have a breakdown over the fact that they dont look perfect on instagram or something ridiculous like that...some of those girls my mom works with at the hospital are seriously screwed up because of anorexia and BDD..she was just telling me about a new patient that came in yesterday....these days its like people can't even leave the house without their electronics ....which I guess is GREAT for mass media because that means they can brainwash people 24/7 with overly biased news, advertisements , etc

might sound a bit farfetched but unfortunately its true...its like how CNN never posts any stories about the church (as a social institution) unless its some random story about alleged abuse by a catholic priest...which only makes up a minuscule percentage of them but when the news is THAT biased then people's opinions get swayed EASILY....its like they're trying SO hard to control what people think....

'I'm all fired-down .. yes i'm all fired-down'

I got nowhere to go, and nothing to do - as per usual ...... and it's driving me CRAZY!!!! (but so does going abroad; man, i'm crazy EVERYWHERE!!!) :kickingmyself:
Meanwhile, on a fine sunny day, the neighbours are happily going here, there & everywhere .. coming & going like f*cking busy-busy bees. F*ck them, those normal, smug, busy, hyperactive b*stards.

What are we doing? We're doing "boring time".

Another wasted day.

6.39: F*cking bored out of my f*cking mind.

B*tch of a day. Days like this should be made illegal.

I've got the "boredom blues", 'cause i'm so down today'

The day's a write-off.

Mood's f*cked. Day's f*ucked. The music can only do so much. Then things are beyond what music can help with. That's where i'm at now, pretty much, tho mood's lifted slightly since poured another glass & listening to hard-core blues - fleetwood mac - powerful.