How are you feeling?

Kiwong

Well-known member
So I was feeling more confident the last few days out in the field. Building trust with people. My anxiety is fear of trust, to become open to being hurt. At the end of a long drive my anxiety may have weirded someone out. And the trust I had built came crashing down.
 

defiance

Well-known member
Sad tonight, for myself and for a friend. Every inhalation fills my chest with a sorrowful ache. How much longer can I continue with this leaden despair weighing me down? Should I even try? I see flickers of hope, like fireflies in the night, but they die out as quickly as they arise. Then all is dark and bleak again, and I am alone with the relentless ache in my chest and the knowledge that it will be with me always, until I am no more.

That's me everyday. Something tells me there is still a chance for things to turn around and then as quickly as the thought arises it dies just as fast. Despair takes over and I am right back where I started.
 

AtTheGates

Banned
I was going to do this job for 12 months but iv decided I'm just going to go for another 3 (making 7 total). at that point I'm going to enroll in a nearby commute college for the fall semester and start working on a university transfer degree (associate in arts). iv been taking some free online classes and doing alright at them so that kind of influenced my decision...the community college I'm enrolling at offers an associate in arts degree that can be done almost COMPLETELY online. I'm worried about math but iv got a fvckload of money saved up so I can get a tutor if I need one...and if my old a$s honda starts to break down iv got enough for a down payment on a new car...so if got that covered too, thank god.


plus theres no way I'm doing this job for 12 months straight...I cringe everytime I walk in the front door of that prison...most of the staff are immature and unprofessional as hell....theres like TWO officers I work with who actually seem like halfway decent people...and one of them just recently passed his oral boards for durham police department so he'll probably be leaving soon -_-

I want to get a job where my co-workers are mature, professional, and actually have a bit of CLASS...not so much in the way they dress but just in the way they ARE.
 
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ATG (responding to your deleted post about a woman whom you "dodged a bullet"), I don't think ANY woman would be worth having a relationship with. As they'd be ALL high-maintenance, no matter who they are. And you'd be their "goto guy" for all their personal issues, and they'd take out much of it on you. :eek:mg:
Putting up with all that and more, all just to get that drug-like buzz of the sexual-love chemicals. It just doesn't seem worth it imho.
 
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PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
ATG (responding to your deleted post about a woman whom you "dodged a bullet"), I don't think ANY woman would be worth having a relationship with. As they'd be ALL high-maintenance, no matter who they are. And you'd be their "goto guy" for all their personal issues, and they'd take out much of it on you. :eek:mg:
Putting up with all that and more, all just to get that drug-like buzz of the sexual-love chemicals. It just doesn't seem worth it imho.

See you say that now...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Depressed, but then it's been quite a depressing day for me today. Don't know why I even bothered to get outta bed this morning. :sad:
 

defiance

Well-known member
Depressed, but then it's been quite a depressing day for me today. Don't know why I even bothered to get outta bed this morning. :sad:

This is me everyday Graeme. I don't get a break from my mental hell really. I mean throughout the day there might be like a minute where it stops but that's about it. Honestly, the first thought that comes into my head when I wake up is "oh no here we go again another day of misery is awaiting me and there is nothing I can do about it." Needless to say I know the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed very well unfortunately. I hope for you that these things are not an everyday occurrence.
 

vnoheni

New member
I'm feeling very bored and in need of social interaction to improve my communication skills and my English. I complain about my brain power and retaining memory. I'm just going to smoke some Cannabis lol jk.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
This is me everyday Graeme. I don't get a break from my mental hell really. I mean throughout the day there might be like a minute where it stops but that's about it. Honestly, the first thought that comes into my head when I wake up is "oh no here we go again another day of misery is awaiting me and there is nothing I can do about it." Needless to say I know the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed very well unfortunately. I hope for you that these things are not an everyday occurrence.

Isn't there anything you can do to take yer mind off feeling that way? Nothing major, I mean like listening to yer favourite music, or watching a movie you enjoy. I can definitely relate to the "Here we go again... Aw, f**k sake!" feeling of waking up miserable. So, you're not the only one, sadly. :sad:
 
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defiance

Well-known member
Why can't I just go peacefully in my sleep? It's all I deserve for being worthless and a let down. So much misery because of me.....so much.:crying::kickingmyself:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Quite possibly on the verge o' huvin a nervous breakdown. Like I don't know how much longer I can listen to my mum complain to me, everyday. Beit her knee being sore. Her hip. Oh, she feels dizzy. The town we live in is shit. Just whinging like ungrateful, lazy, spoiled brat. It's enough to make me want to seriously kill myself.

And her communicate skills are f**kin' infuriating - refererring to every object as a thing. :kickingmyself: Urgh!! Pisses me off it really does. Then, she wonders why I end up losing my temper with her.. :thumbdown: She doesn't help matters by goading me into punching her in the face whenever I get pissed off at her - which I'm afraid I might actually do, someday. Like father, like son.

But no, it's me who's lazy, burden to the family, apparently. Despite being the person who they take advantage, and treat like crap. Besides, who gives a f**k if my family are too lazy to take responsibility and make sure things get done? Naw, leave tae me! It's like I've got myself to think about as far well-being goes.. :mad:

Anyway, mini rant over. On the less dysfunctional side o' things, I spent 2 hours straight composing drum beats with the music software on my laptop. Boy! Time sure flies by when ye take yer mind off your, or someone else's, problems. Just kinda wish happiness wasn't such a temporary feeling for me, though. :sad: But ye can't be happy all the time.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I'm feeling lonely, ugly, diseased. I'm a leper in a land of perfect, beautiful people. Should they judge me, scorn me, curse me, stone me, at least it would be something, but they ignore me, and that's even worse. I'm left to do the other stuff myself.
 

defiance

Well-known member
It hurts to breathe. I try and I try and I try to make the best out of my days but sometimes it just isn't meant to be. Fear, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts are in the drivers seat and I am a passenger sitting all the way in the back wondering how I can regain control. I have to find a job soon and I am too afraid to do so. I need to start driving but again I am too afraid to do so. Funny thing is that I have done both these things in the past and yet they didn't get any easier so that just frustrates me even more. I can't possibly see how someone like me is supposed to survive in this world.:sad:
 
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