How are you feeling?

Marc7

Marc7

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
I don’t – I just wish our relationship was better during the time he was alive. Instead of this fake father/son relationship, which felt awkward. Not helped of course by my mum forcing it to happen and giving me no say in the matter. Or my dad’s attitude of feeling like he was owed something from me. When, in reality, it was the other way around, really.
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Sorry, I was talking about your cousin I think. But I don't blame you for wanting a better relationship with your father.

Graeme1988 said:
I did, once, when I gave that “Aye, very funny” sarcastic response and they asked me if I was upset. My mum just said: “Oh, it’s wus just a joke”. But when I asked: “So, it was a joke when I got similar things said to me by folk who bullied me at school?” She went silent for a few seconds and said: “You were bullied at school. At least, I don’t remember you ever telling me”. Yet my mum’s advice to me about getting bullied was to “…just ignore it” :eek:h:
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I guess you can say your upset.

Graeme1988 said:
Because I didn’t know my dad, like at all. Not in the way my half-siblings on his side of the family did. We were like strangers to each other, my dad and I. So, getting the dual citizenship would feel a bit weird not having as strong a connection with my Kenyan heritage, if that makes sense? :question:

All I remember of my dad is that he wasn't someone who like talking about the past or himself much. He was always wanting to know what's been happening, lately.
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I get it now they think you will have a alternative motive behind it. Why doesn't your dad not like talking about himself or his past?



Graeme1988 said:
Probably nothing, but my immediate family tend to response harshly and critically to almost everything I do for myself, telling me it was either wrong or a waste of time, etc. In their opinion, of course. Plus, they tend to gossip a lot, so I don’t really like revealing much about myself. Since they tend to use it against me, like when I opened up about my anxiety and depression struggles, which were just laughed off and made out to be me attention seeking. :kickingmyself:

Guess, you could say, the gossiping, questions and assumptions is what I don’t want to deal with. Since I always have to justify my reasons for doing something for myself. And I don’t want news of me getting dual citizenship – if I were to get it - to get back to my dad’s side of the family, somehow. What with most of my immediate family, unlike me, being addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
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Why do you have to justify everything you do for yourself to your immediate family? I understand you don't want it do get out to your dad side of the family somehow. Does your immediate family know your other siblings on your dad's side on Facebook or Twitter?

Graeme1988 said:
Yup!
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I figured that.
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
Quite often lately I believe people are saying things about me. And it turns out they haven't said anything.

That is very frightening.
 
GraybeardGhost

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
Not even 6 AM, and already I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Honestly, I don't know why I even try anymore. The world is never going to make sense, and I'm never going to be able to function in it. I ask for order; I get chaos. I ask for peace; I get aggravation. **** it all. I'll take oblivion.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Marc7 said:
Sorry, I was talking about your cousin I think. But I don't blame you for wanting a better relationship with your father.
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Oh, sorry. Yeah, but it's still difficult for me not to blame myself for my cousin suddenly not talking to me. Since he never explained why he just cut me outta his life. So, ah cannae help wondering if I did summit to piss him off to the point of not wanting to speak to me.

Marc7 said:
I guess you can say your upset.
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Well, I did a few years ago after my sister made a cruel, racist joke at the expense of my appearance after getting my photo taken. Though, I was too pissed off to say anything immediately. Since we were in public. And my mum sided with my oldest sister over me, when I asked how her (my sister's) joke was considered appropriate by them.

Marc7 said:
I get it now they think you will have a alternative motive behind it. Why doesn't your dad not like talking about himself or his past?
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As I said it was an awkward topic to discuss, I'm guessing it was because my mum had made my dad out to be this abusive, intimidating guy. Like to the point where that was my only impression of him. And my half-siblings on my mum's side o' the family didnae exactly have many good things to say about my dad when I was growing up.

Marc7 said:
Why do you have to justify everything you do for yourself to your immediate family?
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Why? I don't really know. :idontknow: I've always put it down to them not wanting me to think and do things for myself. They're quite controlling, over-protective and manipulative towards me.

Marc7 said:
I understand you don't want it do get out to your dad side of the family somehow. Does your immediate family know your other siblings on your dad's side on Facebook or Twitter?
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Well, both side o' ma family are pretty active on Facebook & Twitter. But I can't say if any of them are friends on there, not being as active on there, myself. Wouldnae want to chance my luck, either way.

Marc7 said:
I figured that.
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:bigsmile:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
It's gonnae be hard to sit and remain composed when ma family start their wee guilt trip as to why ah don't spend enough time with them when relative come to visit. Like they do this everytime. Because that's how ye make somebuddy want to spend with ye, isn't it? Make the person feel like shit about themselves.

Yay! :kickingmyself: God-for-f**kin'-bid that ye actually try to understand or empathise with the reclusive c*nt, eh? But naebuddy ever did that to me. No, feelin' sorry for me doesnae count!
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Surprisingly good, considering i've just had a spat with neighbour. He's promised to call the cops next time i go onto his property, spouting abuse. Fair enuf, it's his property. Tho when he makes loud noise at night, it affects MY "ear-space", but he said he's allowed to by law to make such noises. I said lucky for him the law isn't based on morals .. ie it's an "as5", maybe rather good for most sheeple, but does the finger to minorities (like myself) - people with unique & rare issues. But anyway, i played the "i've-got-mental-health-problems" card, so i deserve extra leeway. And told them that i'm trying my best, but sometimes i can't control my impulses :). get angry/etc). Having another beer & playing death/doom metal .. relaxing me rather well...
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
It's so frustrating when you live a repetitive nightmare. But I am hoping that this is the year where I can leave all that behind and start moving on to bigger and better things. Time will tell.
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Went to my first therapy session for this year. Drew a picture with crayons and words. Helps to get a clearer picture of things. Therapist said they're not a magic wand that can make all my problems go away (after i showed her a paper with many problems listed). I guess the only "magic wand" would be say, a few bottles of pills - but that would be the easy way out. As it is, therapy is for me, a bit like the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff; i'm already dead, or at least in a critical state. Therapy is still my last hope, that i may recover from critical state, and get back into an adequate or "liveable" state, tho perhaps left as a cripple with no bodily movement from the neck down.
 
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theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
I'm "filling in the time" for now anyway, and spw certainly plays a big part.
I certainly could be feeling worse, eg i could be "just killing time".

"filling in the time" --worse--> "just filling in time" --worse--> "just killing time"
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
I'm feeling that almost-depression-like lost sense of normality. Also seems to have a tinge of loneliness, if i'm not mistaken. Interesting... :thinking:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
Haunted by past failures and time wasted. Scared that it might continue that way for as long as I live.
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Aye. I can certainly relate there. Though, there's nae will it continue for me since failure is the one thing I succeed at, ironically. :sad:

Can't wait for this week to be over. :kickingmyself:
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Bad day. It's gonna be a long night :sad:

Man, i could murder a glass of spirits. Or myself.

I'm so sick of handling my moods by myself. :sad:
 
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