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Odo
Banned
So this is interesting:
Huxley Vs Orwell: Infinite Distraction Or Government Oppression?
One of the reasons I never gravitate towards all of these conspiracy theories that involve censorship or silencing people is because, having met quite a few people, it's pretty obvious most people don't actually care about important things... and if they do, they only care about them when they're not being entertained by something else. They have a passing interest in these things, but it becomes drowned out by whatever movie is popular, whatever game they're playing, whatever insecurities they have, how to talk to girls, office politics, etc.
I really have to wonder what so many people do online that is so important that they have to make sure it's secure... and if security is so important, why are they even doing it online?
I'm pretty sure the NSA has more money than you do, and the people behind it are interested in more important things than you are. I mean, this is a culture that is obsessed with superhero movies for crying out loud. If you ever felt in need of proof that people are no longer growing up, that's it. People can line up to watch the same story over and over, and never demand more. Sometimes I wonder if it's actually at a point where there's simply nothing to say... the situation is so dire and the doom so potent that all we can do is seek comfort in the familiar, clinging to these adolescent fantasies like some sort of intellectual teddy bear. Either that or they're just too busy and worried about themselves to care.
The classic line is 'what Huxley feared was that there would be no need to ban books, because no one would want to read them'. I'm pretty sure that when Huxley said that, books had more substance than they do today.
There was actually a debate about the future going on when that book was written... now there's no debate at all, and no options. We are at the end of the capitalist runaway train-- it has picked up too much speed, we're past the point of no return, and all you can do is close your eyes before it hits the wall.
Huxley Vs Orwell: Infinite Distraction Or Government Oppression?
One of the reasons I never gravitate towards all of these conspiracy theories that involve censorship or silencing people is because, having met quite a few people, it's pretty obvious most people don't actually care about important things... and if they do, they only care about them when they're not being entertained by something else. They have a passing interest in these things, but it becomes drowned out by whatever movie is popular, whatever game they're playing, whatever insecurities they have, how to talk to girls, office politics, etc.
I really have to wonder what so many people do online that is so important that they have to make sure it's secure... and if security is so important, why are they even doing it online?
I'm pretty sure the NSA has more money than you do, and the people behind it are interested in more important things than you are. I mean, this is a culture that is obsessed with superhero movies for crying out loud. If you ever felt in need of proof that people are no longer growing up, that's it. People can line up to watch the same story over and over, and never demand more. Sometimes I wonder if it's actually at a point where there's simply nothing to say... the situation is so dire and the doom so potent that all we can do is seek comfort in the familiar, clinging to these adolescent fantasies like some sort of intellectual teddy bear. Either that or they're just too busy and worried about themselves to care.
The classic line is 'what Huxley feared was that there would be no need to ban books, because no one would want to read them'. I'm pretty sure that when Huxley said that, books had more substance than they do today.
There was actually a debate about the future going on when that book was written... now there's no debate at all, and no options. We are at the end of the capitalist runaway train-- it has picked up too much speed, we're past the point of no return, and all you can do is close your eyes before it hits the wall.
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Odo
Banned
Today I am going to write about cynicism and culture.
I have to admit, I am predisposed towards cynicism in a very big way... and in some ways I think it's because I think being self-critical is a good way to improve as a human being, but in other ways I think it might be because being negative and gloomy about the future alleviates me of the responsibility of preparing for it.
I have to admit, I hate feeling responsible for my future self. A comfortable retirement has got to be one of the largest weights I have around my neck, to the extent that I feel like not sacrificing my youth and energy for its sake is a reason to feel guilty, and having thousands of dollars in the markets, sitting there making me money on paper and other people money in reality is somehow a cause to worry instead of inspiring me to spend it all on the life I know I DO have now. It's kind of messed up that this saving mentality is also associated with being an adult-- I definitely don't feel like an adult, but I suppose I do feel at least vaguely secure.
Anyways, I'm still plugging away at my screenplay idea (yes, it has been almost 2 years), and I realized that I always have this urge to be 'realistic' and have 'multidimensional' characters who have a certain degree of self-interest or who don't overcome their fatal flaws. I feel the need to punish my characters and essentially mock their flaws-- I suppose because it's a trend that exists in things like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad or whatever... and is probably connected to the same impulse that makes people want to rip each other to shreds online in pointless debates-- that primal urge to witness suffering, death, despair, etc.
I think I also tend to see these things as being ironically distant or people being separate enough from culture for it to not have such a huge effect. I mean, in my cynical mind, culture has been largely relegated to the role of a distraction from the process of making money... the difference between me and the average idiot is that I see this as a cause to be horrified as opposed to simply brushing it off.
But imagine if the culture promoted social harmony instead of material greed.
Imagine if politicians, bankers, businessmen... were taught from birth that the purpose of life is to help others, and whoever can help the most people has the most overall value as a human being.
Imagine if wealth and greed were presented as abominations instead of status symbols and the mark of a winner.
I can't even think of a single piece of art that successfully portrays wealth as truly horrific. The thing is, having seen wealthy people, I know for a fact that it can absolutely ruin people and their children.
This is where culture comes into play... when done right, it can remake an entire generation... but I really have to wonder if people can be socially re-engineered without resorting to outrage or narratives about wealth being something to be desired.
I have to admit, I am predisposed towards cynicism in a very big way... and in some ways I think it's because I think being self-critical is a good way to improve as a human being, but in other ways I think it might be because being negative and gloomy about the future alleviates me of the responsibility of preparing for it.
I have to admit, I hate feeling responsible for my future self. A comfortable retirement has got to be one of the largest weights I have around my neck, to the extent that I feel like not sacrificing my youth and energy for its sake is a reason to feel guilty, and having thousands of dollars in the markets, sitting there making me money on paper and other people money in reality is somehow a cause to worry instead of inspiring me to spend it all on the life I know I DO have now. It's kind of messed up that this saving mentality is also associated with being an adult-- I definitely don't feel like an adult, but I suppose I do feel at least vaguely secure.
Anyways, I'm still plugging away at my screenplay idea (yes, it has been almost 2 years), and I realized that I always have this urge to be 'realistic' and have 'multidimensional' characters who have a certain degree of self-interest or who don't overcome their fatal flaws. I feel the need to punish my characters and essentially mock their flaws-- I suppose because it's a trend that exists in things like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad or whatever... and is probably connected to the same impulse that makes people want to rip each other to shreds online in pointless debates-- that primal urge to witness suffering, death, despair, etc.
I think I also tend to see these things as being ironically distant or people being separate enough from culture for it to not have such a huge effect. I mean, in my cynical mind, culture has been largely relegated to the role of a distraction from the process of making money... the difference between me and the average idiot is that I see this as a cause to be horrified as opposed to simply brushing it off.
But imagine if the culture promoted social harmony instead of material greed.
Imagine if politicians, bankers, businessmen... were taught from birth that the purpose of life is to help others, and whoever can help the most people has the most overall value as a human being.
Imagine if wealth and greed were presented as abominations instead of status symbols and the mark of a winner.
I can't even think of a single piece of art that successfully portrays wealth as truly horrific. The thing is, having seen wealthy people, I know for a fact that it can absolutely ruin people and their children.
This is where culture comes into play... when done right, it can remake an entire generation... but I really have to wonder if people can be socially re-engineered without resorting to outrage or narratives about wealth being something to be desired.
Odo
Banned
The "Red Pill"
So last night before I went to bed I got on that omegle.com, looking for a random chat. After quite a few sex fiends, I finally got an introduction that didn't ask for my gender before ending the conversation when they found out I was a guy.
It turns out it was a 17 year old kid who was doing his homework. I wasn't sure how much I would have to say to him but he had a good sense of humor, was pretty articulate and liked to talk about music, so it was cool.
Maybe it's a reflection of my utter lack of maturity, but I actually really enjoyed talking to him. He had more energy than people my own age and unlike a lot of other teenagers/early 20s, he wasn't so self-centered and desperate for positive reinforcement that it was unbearable.
But after about 10 minutes or so, he started talking about how he hates feminists and showed me this site on reddit that talks about the 'red pill'.
Basically, it involves bitter, lonely men blaming women for how miserable they are. There were all these stories about women abusing men, divorce, crazy feminists, etc.
It kind of hit me then just how ****ed up it is that 17 year old kids can go online and before they've even become full adults end up thinking that women are natural subordinates, feminism is about hating men and society is one step away from Marxism-Leninism. This is the power of propaganda on young minds.
But then, I guess when I was that age I was really conservative too. Actually, I think my conservativeness peaked in my early 20s, and then it started to wane... then I travelled, and that made me think about people and society as being separate from each other... and then when the 2008 recession hit I think my left-wing identity really began to take shape. It's also when I actually started being interested in my job-- it was the kids that did it.
Of course, being a teacher in a conservative country like Korea isn't exactly something that lends itself to left wing thought, but after going to teacher's college in New Zealand and studying Vygotsky's social learning theory, combined with some online debates (in which I was more conservative than my opponents, but still not right wing)... I was officially transformed into a die-hard left-wing anarcho-communist.
Social learning theory pretty much explains absolutely everything about how attitudes are formed, how society can change, and why it's absolutely essential to put people over profit... and inject heavy doses of idealism into everyone's realism.
The only way that people will ever be able to reach their full potential is if we eliminate their concerns over their basic needs, and build a society that cares for the people and is cared for by the people. If you make it easy for people to achieve their full potential, then they will do so. If you make it about success, failure and social class, then some will rise to the challenge but the majority will simply do what they must without enjoying it.
Unfortunately, society is structured in a way that pushes most people to the bottom so that a few can be on the top.
When I started teaching, I made the mistake of teaching only to the highest level students. A few of them were doing very well and probably getting a lot out of the class, but the majority were simply sitting there in silence, afraid to speak and feeling bad about themselves. THAT is capitalism.
But if you teach to the middle, make sure that everyone gets what they need... then the class teaches itself. The high levels help the middle ones, and the middle helps the lower ones. Not everyone is equal, but everyone looks out for one another, supports each other and functions more like a cohesive group motivated by caring than a collection of individuals motivated by their egos or status. THAT is communism.
The older I get, the more left-wing I get. I think I'll probably stop soon because I don't even know if I can get any more left-wing. The only reason I'm not an anarchist is because I think it will take a lot of time to get to the point where anarchy could work, and human consciousness is too cluttered with consumption patterns, greed and preconceptions about 'freedom' and private ownership to be able to handle anarcho-communism. Still, a classless, stateless society is objectively a noble goal and one worth pursuing.
One day I hope all of the right wing garbage dies out and we all shift away from all of this free market capitalism and 'greed is god' stuff so that people can have a society that they can believe in and that believes in them.
So last night before I went to bed I got on that omegle.com, looking for a random chat. After quite a few sex fiends, I finally got an introduction that didn't ask for my gender before ending the conversation when they found out I was a guy.
It turns out it was a 17 year old kid who was doing his homework. I wasn't sure how much I would have to say to him but he had a good sense of humor, was pretty articulate and liked to talk about music, so it was cool.
Maybe it's a reflection of my utter lack of maturity, but I actually really enjoyed talking to him. He had more energy than people my own age and unlike a lot of other teenagers/early 20s, he wasn't so self-centered and desperate for positive reinforcement that it was unbearable.
But after about 10 minutes or so, he started talking about how he hates feminists and showed me this site on reddit that talks about the 'red pill'.
Basically, it involves bitter, lonely men blaming women for how miserable they are. There were all these stories about women abusing men, divorce, crazy feminists, etc.
It kind of hit me then just how ****ed up it is that 17 year old kids can go online and before they've even become full adults end up thinking that women are natural subordinates, feminism is about hating men and society is one step away from Marxism-Leninism. This is the power of propaganda on young minds.
But then, I guess when I was that age I was really conservative too. Actually, I think my conservativeness peaked in my early 20s, and then it started to wane... then I travelled, and that made me think about people and society as being separate from each other... and then when the 2008 recession hit I think my left-wing identity really began to take shape. It's also when I actually started being interested in my job-- it was the kids that did it.
Of course, being a teacher in a conservative country like Korea isn't exactly something that lends itself to left wing thought, but after going to teacher's college in New Zealand and studying Vygotsky's social learning theory, combined with some online debates (in which I was more conservative than my opponents, but still not right wing)... I was officially transformed into a die-hard left-wing anarcho-communist.
Social learning theory pretty much explains absolutely everything about how attitudes are formed, how society can change, and why it's absolutely essential to put people over profit... and inject heavy doses of idealism into everyone's realism.
The only way that people will ever be able to reach their full potential is if we eliminate their concerns over their basic needs, and build a society that cares for the people and is cared for by the people. If you make it easy for people to achieve their full potential, then they will do so. If you make it about success, failure and social class, then some will rise to the challenge but the majority will simply do what they must without enjoying it.
Unfortunately, society is structured in a way that pushes most people to the bottom so that a few can be on the top.
When I started teaching, I made the mistake of teaching only to the highest level students. A few of them were doing very well and probably getting a lot out of the class, but the majority were simply sitting there in silence, afraid to speak and feeling bad about themselves. THAT is capitalism.
But if you teach to the middle, make sure that everyone gets what they need... then the class teaches itself. The high levels help the middle ones, and the middle helps the lower ones. Not everyone is equal, but everyone looks out for one another, supports each other and functions more like a cohesive group motivated by caring than a collection of individuals motivated by their egos or status. THAT is communism.
The older I get, the more left-wing I get. I think I'll probably stop soon because I don't even know if I can get any more left-wing. The only reason I'm not an anarchist is because I think it will take a lot of time to get to the point where anarchy could work, and human consciousness is too cluttered with consumption patterns, greed and preconceptions about 'freedom' and private ownership to be able to handle anarcho-communism. Still, a classless, stateless society is objectively a noble goal and one worth pursuing.
One day I hope all of the right wing garbage dies out and we all shift away from all of this free market capitalism and 'greed is god' stuff so that people can have a society that they can believe in and that believes in them.
Odo
Banned
I haven't talked to my mother since November.
Maybe for some people, that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me, it kind of is. I have gone for very long periods of time without talking to my dad (often months, then only really talking on birthdays and holidays-- his decision, mostly, but I admit it was never so great). But I've never gone this long without talking to my mom.
I started the 'silent treatment' after having a huge blowup in the summer when I was still living there, and then making a sort of snap decision to leave. I suppose that at that point it became a matter of pride, but on top of that I really did feel like my relationship with them wasn't healthy.
But after I officially moved out, it became about something more. I think now it's largely about the fact that I just don't want them to know how I'm spending my days... and the reason for that is because I'm really not doing much of anything.
I'm ashamed of myself, and the way I am living... I justify it by working on a script (which is actually a really difficult thing to do), but I'm not exactly disciplined with that, and even if I were, she wouldn't really see it as a reason to not have a job. And the more I refuse to contact her, the harder it gets to know what to say, or how to talk to her again. I don't want to appear vulnerable. There are so many things about my life right now that I know that she, my dad and my sister wouldn't approve of, and so when I did talk to her in November, I was very guarded. I don't want her to tell my sister or my dad or anyone else how I am or what I'm doing, and I feel that as long as she doesn't know, I can avoid being the family screwup.
Right now, I'm fairly certain that I'll fall back into ESL, and that I will make money from that, save it up, and maybe manage to go back with enough money to last a few years. That is if I don't burn out completely. If I invest that, I can have maybe 10 years in some rural town... and if I get an inheritance, then maybe that can get me through some more time. And then I guess I'll die. To be honest, as bleak as it sounds, I don't think it's an altogether awful life plan. It's not exactly the huge optimistic picture other people paint for themselves, but I think being practical about these things is probably a plus.
My biggest obstacle right now is that I'm afraid of returning to teaching. I am not in any way excited or happy about the thought of moving to another country or living in another culture... but at this point, they ALL feel like another culture. Even my own culture feels like another culture. It's all the same thing, just different flavors... and I don't fit into any of them. I can't imagine being functional in Canada... I just can't. I have never had a job that paid much more than minimum wage there. Ever. And I was a nervous wreck there.
In the short-term, it is very very apparent to me that my current situation is going to completely collapse by the summer. I will run out of money, and I can't stay in this country.
It's hard to live a life where everything around you is temporary. No matter how much I try to focus on the little things and do what I can to enjoy it all-- I can't get over the fact that it's all going to go away. I will have to leave and go somewhere else. Then try not to burn out, maybe take a little break, and then go somewhere else.
I think I'm lost. This isn't the life of a person who knows what they're doing. This is what happens when you take a wrong turn somewhere, then keep going the wrong way, then find that you can't remember where you made the wrong turn... and you're running out of gas.
I suppose it's all related to the fact that I have a condition that I have so far been able to manage but which I am not sure I will be able to manage as well in the future, and also that I am running out of time, running out of options, and am really, really far behind a lot of other people who are my age-- both in terms of career and socialization.
I was actually having a few suicidal thoughts the other day... not really seriously depressed or sad ones, it was just me finding the thought of death appealing. Not because I hate myself, but because I think I would enjoy the relief. I hate having to make decisions, to adjust to new places, to always be finding and losing people.
But I won't actually do it. There are always little reasons to go on. TV shows I want to see the end of, albums that will be released, movies that will come out, travel destinations to cross off my list, new technologies I want to see, getting fit, learning new things, etc. The to-do list of life that makes all of the bullshit semi-tolerable. Or maybe it just makes it worse.
And I'll probably keep trying with the writing and such... maybe even manage to make a small film at some point, but I can't really see a lot of good things for my future. No children, no steady normal career, and nothing permanent or stable.
There has been nothing stable or permanent in my life since childhood.
Except my mom.
Maybe for some people, that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me, it kind of is. I have gone for very long periods of time without talking to my dad (often months, then only really talking on birthdays and holidays-- his decision, mostly, but I admit it was never so great). But I've never gone this long without talking to my mom.
I started the 'silent treatment' after having a huge blowup in the summer when I was still living there, and then making a sort of snap decision to leave. I suppose that at that point it became a matter of pride, but on top of that I really did feel like my relationship with them wasn't healthy.
But after I officially moved out, it became about something more. I think now it's largely about the fact that I just don't want them to know how I'm spending my days... and the reason for that is because I'm really not doing much of anything.
I'm ashamed of myself, and the way I am living... I justify it by working on a script (which is actually a really difficult thing to do), but I'm not exactly disciplined with that, and even if I were, she wouldn't really see it as a reason to not have a job. And the more I refuse to contact her, the harder it gets to know what to say, or how to talk to her again. I don't want to appear vulnerable. There are so many things about my life right now that I know that she, my dad and my sister wouldn't approve of, and so when I did talk to her in November, I was very guarded. I don't want her to tell my sister or my dad or anyone else how I am or what I'm doing, and I feel that as long as she doesn't know, I can avoid being the family screwup.
Right now, I'm fairly certain that I'll fall back into ESL, and that I will make money from that, save it up, and maybe manage to go back with enough money to last a few years. That is if I don't burn out completely. If I invest that, I can have maybe 10 years in some rural town... and if I get an inheritance, then maybe that can get me through some more time. And then I guess I'll die. To be honest, as bleak as it sounds, I don't think it's an altogether awful life plan. It's not exactly the huge optimistic picture other people paint for themselves, but I think being practical about these things is probably a plus.
My biggest obstacle right now is that I'm afraid of returning to teaching. I am not in any way excited or happy about the thought of moving to another country or living in another culture... but at this point, they ALL feel like another culture. Even my own culture feels like another culture. It's all the same thing, just different flavors... and I don't fit into any of them. I can't imagine being functional in Canada... I just can't. I have never had a job that paid much more than minimum wage there. Ever. And I was a nervous wreck there.
In the short-term, it is very very apparent to me that my current situation is going to completely collapse by the summer. I will run out of money, and I can't stay in this country.
It's hard to live a life where everything around you is temporary. No matter how much I try to focus on the little things and do what I can to enjoy it all-- I can't get over the fact that it's all going to go away. I will have to leave and go somewhere else. Then try not to burn out, maybe take a little break, and then go somewhere else.
I think I'm lost. This isn't the life of a person who knows what they're doing. This is what happens when you take a wrong turn somewhere, then keep going the wrong way, then find that you can't remember where you made the wrong turn... and you're running out of gas.
I suppose it's all related to the fact that I have a condition that I have so far been able to manage but which I am not sure I will be able to manage as well in the future, and also that I am running out of time, running out of options, and am really, really far behind a lot of other people who are my age-- both in terms of career and socialization.
I was actually having a few suicidal thoughts the other day... not really seriously depressed or sad ones, it was just me finding the thought of death appealing. Not because I hate myself, but because I think I would enjoy the relief. I hate having to make decisions, to adjust to new places, to always be finding and losing people.
But I won't actually do it. There are always little reasons to go on. TV shows I want to see the end of, albums that will be released, movies that will come out, travel destinations to cross off my list, new technologies I want to see, getting fit, learning new things, etc. The to-do list of life that makes all of the bullshit semi-tolerable. Or maybe it just makes it worse.
And I'll probably keep trying with the writing and such... maybe even manage to make a small film at some point, but I can't really see a lot of good things for my future. No children, no steady normal career, and nothing permanent or stable.
There has been nothing stable or permanent in my life since childhood.
Except my mom.
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Odo
Banned
So this is pretty scary:
Billion dollar race: Soviet Union vied with US in ‘mind control research’ — RT News
Mind control weapons are going to be a reality in the near future... and are quite possibly a reality now.
In the 60s, the Soviets actually discovered they could use electromagnetic fields to induce hallucinations and reduce sensitivity to some stimuli. How many devices in our daily lives also have an electromagnetic field? Computers, televisions and even headphones produce EMFs all the time.
So your memory and ability to form memories is affected by EMFs.
I don't usually stray into this type of conspiracy theory stuff, but it seems quite possible that EMFs could play a part in social anxiety. I know that since I basically retreated almost completely into my computer, I haven't been able to form clear memories. I've always thought it was due to the sheer volume of information I'm exposed to now over the Internet, but it could be the EMFs are playing a role in that as well.
If I wanted to engineer a population for a high-volume information society, it might make sense to emphasize short-term bursts of intense obsessive thought at the expense of the long-term memory... it would create impulsive consumer-style behavior while also separating the trivial from the essential depending on the context of the moment. It could also mean less of a coherent identity and more a series of impulses rooted in momentary whims.
But then, over the long term who even knows... it could also mean an entire society of slaves surrendering everything that's important to them to their masters.
Billion dollar race: Soviet Union vied with US in ‘mind control research’ — RT News
Mind control weapons are going to be a reality in the near future... and are quite possibly a reality now.
In the 60s, the Soviets actually discovered they could use electromagnetic fields to induce hallucinations and reduce sensitivity to some stimuli. How many devices in our daily lives also have an electromagnetic field? Computers, televisions and even headphones produce EMFs all the time.
So your memory and ability to form memories is affected by EMFs.
I don't usually stray into this type of conspiracy theory stuff, but it seems quite possible that EMFs could play a part in social anxiety. I know that since I basically retreated almost completely into my computer, I haven't been able to form clear memories. I've always thought it was due to the sheer volume of information I'm exposed to now over the Internet, but it could be the EMFs are playing a role in that as well.
If I wanted to engineer a population for a high-volume information society, it might make sense to emphasize short-term bursts of intense obsessive thought at the expense of the long-term memory... it would create impulsive consumer-style behavior while also separating the trivial from the essential depending on the context of the moment. It could also mean less of a coherent identity and more a series of impulses rooted in momentary whims.
But then, over the long term who even knows... it could also mean an entire society of slaves surrendering everything that's important to them to their masters.
Odo
Banned
This is one of the most inspiring and absolutely awesome things I have ever seen:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvhjTNqaKDY
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvhjTNqaKDY
Odo
Banned
The two things I currently feel the most social anxiety over:
1. When someone is in my way and they're not getting out of my way, and it feels like we're going to collide.
2. Speaking for extremely short periods of time.
Number one drives me insane on a daily basis. I suppose other people have things that are actually worth worrying about, but for some reason this is what sends me into a panic. These people who either walk with a sort of determination or a sort of obliviousness-- but for whatever reason you just know they're not going to get out of the way when it comes time for one of you to move. I can't explain exactly why these things fill me with dread... in some ways, I think it might be worth colliding with one of them just to get it over with, or to know if the fear of colliding with them is actually stronger than whatever would happen when it came to pass. It's not that I expect people to get out of the way when I'm walking, just give me some freaking indication of what I'm supposed to DO.
As for number 2-- I hate when I have to say little things like 'thanks' or 'bye' or 'yes please' and that's it. Every time I'm out I'm alone, which means every time I'm out my voice isn't being used... and when it comes time to use it again, it always sounds weak, which in turn makes me feel weak and frustrated that I can't manage a confident 'thanks' or 'bye'. Back in high school, I was always super anxious in class when I had to say 'here' or 'present' because I always felt like my voice was going to do something weird or I was somehow going to mess it up. I seriously think that nerve-wracking presentations were easier to deal with.
Ah well....
1. When someone is in my way and they're not getting out of my way, and it feels like we're going to collide.
2. Speaking for extremely short periods of time.
Number one drives me insane on a daily basis. I suppose other people have things that are actually worth worrying about, but for some reason this is what sends me into a panic. These people who either walk with a sort of determination or a sort of obliviousness-- but for whatever reason you just know they're not going to get out of the way when it comes time for one of you to move. I can't explain exactly why these things fill me with dread... in some ways, I think it might be worth colliding with one of them just to get it over with, or to know if the fear of colliding with them is actually stronger than whatever would happen when it came to pass. It's not that I expect people to get out of the way when I'm walking, just give me some freaking indication of what I'm supposed to DO.
As for number 2-- I hate when I have to say little things like 'thanks' or 'bye' or 'yes please' and that's it. Every time I'm out I'm alone, which means every time I'm out my voice isn't being used... and when it comes time to use it again, it always sounds weak, which in turn makes me feel weak and frustrated that I can't manage a confident 'thanks' or 'bye'. Back in high school, I was always super anxious in class when I had to say 'here' or 'present' because I always felt like my voice was going to do something weird or I was somehow going to mess it up. I seriously think that nerve-wracking presentations were easier to deal with.
Ah well....
Odo
Banned
My Life Plan
So one thing that's going on in my life is I've signed up for a CELTA course in Spain. CELTA is a universally recognized qualification for teaching English, and I plan to use it to get a somewhat bearable job in Saudi Arabia. You can get work in SA without it, but there is simply no butt****ing way I will ever work in a privately owned, profit-over-education school ever again. I've done that 3 times now and it's always horrible. I swear to god it might even play a large subconscious role in why I hate capitalism so much. I've been spoiled by the public school system, the laid-back attitudes, the more relaxed pace, the holidays, the sense of actually having control over the students instead of vice versa... I can't go back.
Of course, I do not plan on being happy during my time in Saudi Arabia, but I do plan on working and saving as much money as I can over about 5 years or so. This is of course assuming there isn't a major war in the near future. If possible I'll stay in my apartment, exercise as much as possible, play video games, watch movies, write, etc. I might even get closer to making my movie.
I read an online blog entry about someone who seems to think you could save $300k in 5 years by teaching in Saudi... of course, this would mean a lot of private lessons as well. Apparently, you can get up to $100/hr for those.
I really don't think I could ever get to $300k, but $200-250k seems pretty reasonable. I was actually thinking that by the time I get out of there, I'll be in my 40s... so I could technically afford a modest retirement in Canada. I don't really plan on living well into my 70s. I mean... WHY? So let's say I aim for death in my late 60s. If I invest that $250k and get about a 5% return on average, then I can definitely see it lasting well into my 60s. If interest rates go up I'll just put it in a savings account and that will be fine.
I've never actually fallen for the high standard of living BS, so if I inherit about $100k from my parents at some point then a small house, a plot of land, and about $10k/year in expenses seems pretty doable, considering the whole free health care thing Canadians get. Of course, inflation could take a huge bite out of that.
Of course, this would probably mean finding a cheap lot and building a small house on it... and also having a garden to supplement my store-bought food-- at the very least in the summer. I want a small house because of maintenance and heating costs... and because I've never actually felt the need for anything too large. Not having kids is probably the biggest moneysaver ever.
I need to pick a place where the land taxes are low... probably a small town, where everything is within walking distance, housing is cheap and I have the option of taking the bus to a bigger city every now and then. Cars are ****ing money traps. Hopefully the trend of people moving to bigger cities continues so that land value goes down even more in the small towns.
I guess at that point the only question is WTF to DO with myself at that point... which I guess is one argument against retirement. On the other hand, I don't see it as retirement so much as TIME and FREEDOM. Instead of NEEDING to work, I will work because I WANT to. I honestly don't know how people out there can put so much emphasis on cars and bigger houses and such when time and freedom are so much more valuable.
I only wish I didn't have to do this alone. If someone was with me doing the same thing, we would together have a much higher standard of living, and even more security. 5 years in Saudi alone is a lot less appealing than 5 years in Saudi with an emotional support network as well as a second source of income-- the second income is the big one, actually. We're potentially talking about half a million between us in 5 years. That's more than enough to buy total independence in a small town. 5 years and we could be living a nice, calm little life and even do some modest traveling once or twice a year.
I often wonder what would happen if I went online and instead of selling myself based on my personality, charm, looks, hobbies, etc... just advertised my organized and practical life plan. I assume that some people would think it was too cold, too impersonal, etc.
Wow, saying these things makes it totally sound like I'm single, which I'm not. But I suppose that there is no question of whether or not I'll be single within the next few years, so I might as well plan for it. So what IS that, exactly? I don't know.
So one thing that's going on in my life is I've signed up for a CELTA course in Spain. CELTA is a universally recognized qualification for teaching English, and I plan to use it to get a somewhat bearable job in Saudi Arabia. You can get work in SA without it, but there is simply no butt****ing way I will ever work in a privately owned, profit-over-education school ever again. I've done that 3 times now and it's always horrible. I swear to god it might even play a large subconscious role in why I hate capitalism so much. I've been spoiled by the public school system, the laid-back attitudes, the more relaxed pace, the holidays, the sense of actually having control over the students instead of vice versa... I can't go back.
Of course, I do not plan on being happy during my time in Saudi Arabia, but I do plan on working and saving as much money as I can over about 5 years or so. This is of course assuming there isn't a major war in the near future. If possible I'll stay in my apartment, exercise as much as possible, play video games, watch movies, write, etc. I might even get closer to making my movie.
I read an online blog entry about someone who seems to think you could save $300k in 5 years by teaching in Saudi... of course, this would mean a lot of private lessons as well. Apparently, you can get up to $100/hr for those.
I really don't think I could ever get to $300k, but $200-250k seems pretty reasonable. I was actually thinking that by the time I get out of there, I'll be in my 40s... so I could technically afford a modest retirement in Canada. I don't really plan on living well into my 70s. I mean... WHY? So let's say I aim for death in my late 60s. If I invest that $250k and get about a 5% return on average, then I can definitely see it lasting well into my 60s. If interest rates go up I'll just put it in a savings account and that will be fine.
I've never actually fallen for the high standard of living BS, so if I inherit about $100k from my parents at some point then a small house, a plot of land, and about $10k/year in expenses seems pretty doable, considering the whole free health care thing Canadians get. Of course, inflation could take a huge bite out of that.
Of course, this would probably mean finding a cheap lot and building a small house on it... and also having a garden to supplement my store-bought food-- at the very least in the summer. I want a small house because of maintenance and heating costs... and because I've never actually felt the need for anything too large. Not having kids is probably the biggest moneysaver ever.
I need to pick a place where the land taxes are low... probably a small town, where everything is within walking distance, housing is cheap and I have the option of taking the bus to a bigger city every now and then. Cars are ****ing money traps. Hopefully the trend of people moving to bigger cities continues so that land value goes down even more in the small towns.
I guess at that point the only question is WTF to DO with myself at that point... which I guess is one argument against retirement. On the other hand, I don't see it as retirement so much as TIME and FREEDOM. Instead of NEEDING to work, I will work because I WANT to. I honestly don't know how people out there can put so much emphasis on cars and bigger houses and such when time and freedom are so much more valuable.
I only wish I didn't have to do this alone. If someone was with me doing the same thing, we would together have a much higher standard of living, and even more security. 5 years in Saudi alone is a lot less appealing than 5 years in Saudi with an emotional support network as well as a second source of income-- the second income is the big one, actually. We're potentially talking about half a million between us in 5 years. That's more than enough to buy total independence in a small town. 5 years and we could be living a nice, calm little life and even do some modest traveling once or twice a year.
I often wonder what would happen if I went online and instead of selling myself based on my personality, charm, looks, hobbies, etc... just advertised my organized and practical life plan. I assume that some people would think it was too cold, too impersonal, etc.
Wow, saying these things makes it totally sound like I'm single, which I'm not. But I suppose that there is no question of whether or not I'll be single within the next few years, so I might as well plan for it. So what IS that, exactly? I don't know.
Odo
Banned
3 posts in a row!
Anyways, this one is about the script I am still working on. Considering I mentioned it in the very first post in the thread, I guess I should mention I have been working on it the whole time. And I don't mean just having it floating in my head, not doing anything about it. I have mostly been working on the story, which I think is more important.
I have actually planned out this story hundreds of times without actually writing it. I'm using the 8-sequence approach (eight 15 minute sequences equals one 2 hour movie), and giving each sequence 6 or 7 scenes. I have studied all of the major scriptwriting and story construction techniques online and through various books, and have decided this is the way to do it. Sometimes I read to procrastinate, but I think I have thoroughly absorbed the all-too-important concepts of pacing, structure, character, etc... and they've helped me a lot.
Anyways, yes, I am still reluctant to talk about it. In the past I was that annoying guy who was always desperate to tell everyone what I was writing about, because it was always such a huge part of my world. Such a huge part of my world that I didn't realize it was putting people off and constructing barriers... and all in the service of what essentially became a huge ego trip. But I think I will say a bit about it.
It has sort of evolved into something that is like an anti-Matrix (the 1999 movie). I wanted to do something related to that because I've noticed that this movie still seems to hold some sort of ****ed up appeal for right-wingers, MRMs and other conspiracy-minded idiots to the point where 16 years later people are still using scenes from it to make points.
I guess you could say that my story is more about characters like Cipher, who is actually interesting, and less about characters like Neo, who is not. It's also more political and philosophical than mindlessly violent... and not necessarily in a mystical way and certainly not in the sense that people are able to learn kung fu in seconds and become superheroes just by sitting in a chair. When you effectively cheat your way towards a goal or mastery of an ability, you don't become a champion among humans, you lose your humanity altogether.
I also removed the scapegoating of giant mechanical insects. Humans are more than capable of and quite likely will completely destroy the planet in the near future, and when it finally happens that it's not going to mean that people will suddenly develop a conscience, accept responsibility and try to make things better. In fact, being responsible for it is probably even MORE likely to make people want to escape... so that they can pretend it didn't happen. People are causing horrible things to happen at this very moment but nobody really cares because they're cut off from the consequences... there is no reason to believe that people will suddenly accept the blame for an unlivable world, or want to dramatically change their current consumption patterns simply because they've destroyed their own world.
It's manipulative to scapegoat machines in order to avoid the fact that humans are already causing an extinction event and ethically we deserve a lot worse than we've gotten... but the big rule of screenwriting is that if you want to make a villain appear good, you come up with an even worse villain. So in The Matrix, we're bad-- but that doesn't matter because the machines are so much worse!
Another area where The Matrix becomes stupid and typical and advocates the use of force and violence instead of ideas is the whole scene where Neo asks for guns. That is exactly what I want to rebel against. Also, the fact that they effectively dehumanize anyone who is plugged in as 'part of the machine world' so they can feel better about shooting them. That's the same logic school shooters use. It just so happens that using force will probably only make things much much worse.
I also try to give a more accurate sense of the problems presented by an environmentally devastated world, and how the desperation of living in that type of environment wouldn't lead to subterranean dance parties and huge, sophisticated spaceships... or even make it easy for people to be nice or caring to each other. Recently I watched the great Russian movie 'Hard To Be A God', where a civilized human being from the future was forced to live on a planet that refused to progress past the dark ages. That's exactly how I picture life on a post-apocalyptic Earth-- like living in the dark ages, where religion meant torture, superstition and fear as opposed to civilized mysticism and idealistic faith.
I suppose it all sounds very cynical and not fun... so in that sense, it is very much the anti-Matrix. But I do think it's a story that's worth telling.
Anyways, this one is about the script I am still working on. Considering I mentioned it in the very first post in the thread, I guess I should mention I have been working on it the whole time. And I don't mean just having it floating in my head, not doing anything about it. I have mostly been working on the story, which I think is more important.
I have actually planned out this story hundreds of times without actually writing it. I'm using the 8-sequence approach (eight 15 minute sequences equals one 2 hour movie), and giving each sequence 6 or 7 scenes. I have studied all of the major scriptwriting and story construction techniques online and through various books, and have decided this is the way to do it. Sometimes I read to procrastinate, but I think I have thoroughly absorbed the all-too-important concepts of pacing, structure, character, etc... and they've helped me a lot.
Anyways, yes, I am still reluctant to talk about it. In the past I was that annoying guy who was always desperate to tell everyone what I was writing about, because it was always such a huge part of my world. Such a huge part of my world that I didn't realize it was putting people off and constructing barriers... and all in the service of what essentially became a huge ego trip. But I think I will say a bit about it.
It has sort of evolved into something that is like an anti-Matrix (the 1999 movie). I wanted to do something related to that because I've noticed that this movie still seems to hold some sort of ****ed up appeal for right-wingers, MRMs and other conspiracy-minded idiots to the point where 16 years later people are still using scenes from it to make points.
I guess you could say that my story is more about characters like Cipher, who is actually interesting, and less about characters like Neo, who is not. It's also more political and philosophical than mindlessly violent... and not necessarily in a mystical way and certainly not in the sense that people are able to learn kung fu in seconds and become superheroes just by sitting in a chair. When you effectively cheat your way towards a goal or mastery of an ability, you don't become a champion among humans, you lose your humanity altogether.
I also removed the scapegoating of giant mechanical insects. Humans are more than capable of and quite likely will completely destroy the planet in the near future, and when it finally happens that it's not going to mean that people will suddenly develop a conscience, accept responsibility and try to make things better. In fact, being responsible for it is probably even MORE likely to make people want to escape... so that they can pretend it didn't happen. People are causing horrible things to happen at this very moment but nobody really cares because they're cut off from the consequences... there is no reason to believe that people will suddenly accept the blame for an unlivable world, or want to dramatically change their current consumption patterns simply because they've destroyed their own world.
It's manipulative to scapegoat machines in order to avoid the fact that humans are already causing an extinction event and ethically we deserve a lot worse than we've gotten... but the big rule of screenwriting is that if you want to make a villain appear good, you come up with an even worse villain. So in The Matrix, we're bad-- but that doesn't matter because the machines are so much worse!
Another area where The Matrix becomes stupid and typical and advocates the use of force and violence instead of ideas is the whole scene where Neo asks for guns. That is exactly what I want to rebel against. Also, the fact that they effectively dehumanize anyone who is plugged in as 'part of the machine world' so they can feel better about shooting them. That's the same logic school shooters use. It just so happens that using force will probably only make things much much worse.
I also try to give a more accurate sense of the problems presented by an environmentally devastated world, and how the desperation of living in that type of environment wouldn't lead to subterranean dance parties and huge, sophisticated spaceships... or even make it easy for people to be nice or caring to each other. Recently I watched the great Russian movie 'Hard To Be A God', where a civilized human being from the future was forced to live on a planet that refused to progress past the dark ages. That's exactly how I picture life on a post-apocalyptic Earth-- like living in the dark ages, where religion meant torture, superstition and fear as opposed to civilized mysticism and idealistic faith.
I suppose it all sounds very cynical and not fun... so in that sense, it is very much the anti-Matrix. But I do think it's a story that's worth telling.
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Odo
Banned
I just had to say the new Faith No More album is incredible.
They were another one of my favorite bands in high school (actually, since 1989/90 or whenever Epic was big) and while I know downloading leaks isn't cool, I was really anxious to hear it... and the more I listen, the more I think it's probably their best one.
They were another one of my favorite bands in high school (actually, since 1989/90 or whenever Epic was big) and while I know downloading leaks isn't cool, I was really anxious to hear it... and the more I listen, the more I think it's probably their best one.
Odo
Banned
I'm sure this isn't meant to be taken seriously, but this is actually a really good song:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTidn2dBYbY
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTidn2dBYbY
Odo
Banned
I don't think I have ever been as enraged as I was while watching this video:
www.youtube.com/watch?t=60&v=0BzItCPk5j4
It's insane that this degree of stupidity can even EXIST, let alone run for a position of political power.
www.youtube.com/watch?t=60&v=0BzItCPk5j4
It's insane that this degree of stupidity can even EXIST, let alone run for a position of political power.
Odo
Banned
Yesterday I took the train for the first time since arriving here... and it was an absolutely horrible experience. There are no humans selling tickets at the train station-- and even though such things can make me nervous, all I really have to do is go up to the window, tell them where I want to go, pay the fare and everything is fine.
They have English options on the machines, but when people are lined up behind you, the pressure is on YOU, not on the person who is supposed to be helping you. The machines are confusing in that they sell two kinds of tickets-- 'seat tickets' and 'tickets'. Not knowing the difference, I ended up getting a 'seat ticket'.
So I get on the train for my 20 minute train ride, and just before I'm about to get off the douchebag ticket examiner comes on and informs me I don't have the proper ticket, so I have to pay a fine. Apparently the seat ticket is a reservation for an actual ticket... the actual ticket cost 4 dollars more than the reservation. I offered to pay the difference, but he said it was impossible.
When I got off the train, I learned the fee was 750 kroner, which is $150. All because I bought something that was FOUR DOLLARS less than what I was supposed to buy.
There is absolutely NO ****ING WAY I am going to pay that. I would rather be deported. I honestly think they make it confusing on purpose so tourists will end up getting fined. Why the **** wouldn't they just call it a reservation, when that's what it is? I can't believe I'm the first English-speaking person to have ever thought that maybe a seat ticket would allow you to legally get on the ****ing train. None of this would have happened if they had a human being working there.
It ruined my entire day.
They have English options on the machines, but when people are lined up behind you, the pressure is on YOU, not on the person who is supposed to be helping you. The machines are confusing in that they sell two kinds of tickets-- 'seat tickets' and 'tickets'. Not knowing the difference, I ended up getting a 'seat ticket'.
So I get on the train for my 20 minute train ride, and just before I'm about to get off the douchebag ticket examiner comes on and informs me I don't have the proper ticket, so I have to pay a fine. Apparently the seat ticket is a reservation for an actual ticket... the actual ticket cost 4 dollars more than the reservation. I offered to pay the difference, but he said it was impossible.
When I got off the train, I learned the fee was 750 kroner, which is $150. All because I bought something that was FOUR DOLLARS less than what I was supposed to buy.
There is absolutely NO ****ING WAY I am going to pay that. I would rather be deported. I honestly think they make it confusing on purpose so tourists will end up getting fined. Why the **** wouldn't they just call it a reservation, when that's what it is? I can't believe I'm the first English-speaking person to have ever thought that maybe a seat ticket would allow you to legally get on the ****ing train. None of this would have happened if they had a human being working there.
It ruined my entire day.
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Odo
Banned
Tonight I watched a documentary called 'The Trap', which is about modern freedom.
Of course, the general conclusion was that modern freedom is anything but, and that our concept of how to deliver freedom is actually based on a very simplified, paranoid and cynical vision of human nature that was popularized during the cold war... known as game theory. Basically, it's the theory that people are always acting in their own best interest, manipulating each other for their own gain through processes they're not always aware of--a simplified vision of human nature that is responsible for a lot of the values and ideas that modern western society holds.
So the part that was interesting to me and I guess everyone here focused on anxiety disorders. Apparently, anxiety disorders weren't discovered via human interaction with psychiatrists, and are actually the product of a computer. They're the result of a mass questionnaire where people simply ticked boxes on a piece of paper, which was then read by a machine and calculated into a statistic. If I understand it correctly, any pervasive negative feelings were treated as symptoms of a disease.
So yes, people are diagnosed only according to whether or not someone shows the appropriate symptoms, not on an individual basis... and as a result the causes aren't always properly explored. This means that normal human reactions are not even understood before they are medicated away. People are surrendering themselves to this mechanical vision of humanity in a desperate attempt to be someone they're not. Someone happier, but less creative. More agreeable, and with all of the unpleasant edges smoothed off.
A far less complex version of the human condition-- a machine's version of a human being.
Or something like that.
It covers a huge amount of topics from the Cold War to mental health to the free market and politics and the fall of the Soviet Union and class divisions as well. There is a lot of speculation but he's not shoving any one answer in your face... sort of just pointing out that these problems exist. On the other hand, you do have to be suspicious of how he selects his facts... it seemed to me like there were probably pieces missing that could painted a somewhat different picture and it was a lot of information to take in at once.
Anyways, it's worth looking into.
Of course, the general conclusion was that modern freedom is anything but, and that our concept of how to deliver freedom is actually based on a very simplified, paranoid and cynical vision of human nature that was popularized during the cold war... known as game theory. Basically, it's the theory that people are always acting in their own best interest, manipulating each other for their own gain through processes they're not always aware of--a simplified vision of human nature that is responsible for a lot of the values and ideas that modern western society holds.
So the part that was interesting to me and I guess everyone here focused on anxiety disorders. Apparently, anxiety disorders weren't discovered via human interaction with psychiatrists, and are actually the product of a computer. They're the result of a mass questionnaire where people simply ticked boxes on a piece of paper, which was then read by a machine and calculated into a statistic. If I understand it correctly, any pervasive negative feelings were treated as symptoms of a disease.
So yes, people are diagnosed only according to whether or not someone shows the appropriate symptoms, not on an individual basis... and as a result the causes aren't always properly explored. This means that normal human reactions are not even understood before they are medicated away. People are surrendering themselves to this mechanical vision of humanity in a desperate attempt to be someone they're not. Someone happier, but less creative. More agreeable, and with all of the unpleasant edges smoothed off.
A far less complex version of the human condition-- a machine's version of a human being.
Or something like that.
It covers a huge amount of topics from the Cold War to mental health to the free market and politics and the fall of the Soviet Union and class divisions as well. There is a lot of speculation but he's not shoving any one answer in your face... sort of just pointing out that these problems exist. On the other hand, you do have to be suspicious of how he selects his facts... it seemed to me like there were probably pieces missing that could painted a somewhat different picture and it was a lot of information to take in at once.
Anyways, it's worth looking into.