Unknown Sample

[Odo]

So I'm done all of my lessons now.

This course was insanely stressful (and the party tomorrow is probably not going to be fun)... but the weird part of it is that the actual teaching wasn't as bad as sitting in class, worrying that I would be called to the board to teach in front of my peers. I have always been okay with being in front of people as long as we have something to do and I'm in charge... it's when I don't have control of the situation that I break down. I don't know if that paints such a flattering picture of me, but there you go.

Today before my final lesson (which also happened to be the one that will determine my final grade), one of my classmates said that she had gotten approval from her tutor to sit in on my lesson. For some reason, she wanted to watch me teach... I guess because we had a grammar presentation in class last week and she apparently liked my section... but I think it's probably because I have been getting good marks over the past while, which made me a candidate for the higher grade... and she wants to either try to figure out what the tutors expect (not so likely) OR she wants to see me in action so she can tear me down and prove to herself that it's the system that's wrong, not her. I would say it's probably the latter.

Sufficed to say, I did NOT want her there when I was already basically shitting myself with nerves over this lesson determining my grade... and I aggressively demanded that she not come. I actually said afterwards that if she came to my class I would have physically removed her-- and I partially meant it as well. She had already torn down one of my powerpoints when I showed it to her before. She had also latched onto every comment I made in an attempt to 'prove' that I wasn't as good as she was.

She has also been nagging me to go running with her, which I do NOT want to do... mostly because I always run alone and because I feel like she just wants to beat me. I am not in my best physical condition by any measure as I have been eating crap food for a long time and this course has seriously eaten up all of my time, not to mention ruining my appetite. I got through the day today on a diet milkshake and a bottle of drinking yogurt-- solids were out of the questions. I also went running the other night and it didn't go well... I took about an hour to run for about 40 minutes, and I was coughing and felt exhausted almost to the point of falling asleep on the path for most of it.

The weird thing is that I kind of like her... she has this sweet side that makes you feel sorry for her because she's alone and nobody wants to talk to her because she's such a ****ing bitch and says such horrible things to everyone. It's weird how it's possible to feel a kind of pity or even a weird sort of affection for such a person, but there you go. I guess she just knows how to manipulate people. I've actually confronted her about how much I DON'T want her to see my lessons and how glad I am that she's not in my group... and she says I'm 'so mean' and wonders why I'm being so mean to her. I also said that she was sad that the course was over simply because it meant she couldn't get any more 'above standard' marks on her lessons... she didn't like that, mostly because it was true. But the fact that she still smiled about it and didn't let it get to her is kind of endearing... some people would have totally flipped out if someone said something like that to them... but she just laughed it off. I think because people are really tough in the Ukraine (where she's from).

Really, I think that the reason I still talk to her is because she is just always THERE. I'm part of the sort of geek's club that hangs out in the school after everyone else has gone home... I seriously stayed there until 7pm tonight for no real reason at all. I guess because there's this hilarious Spanish/Belgian guy there who cracks me up and shares my love of film. That guy has seriously been amazing throughout the course... he's so laid back and cool about everything.

Anyways, while I was there, she seriously nagged me for like 20 minutes to go jogging with her tonight or tomorrow morning... finally I said 'maybe tomorrow night', and then tomorrow I will probably say 'I can't tonight I have to XXXXX... maybe tomorrow' and then finally I will say 'Oh wow, I guess we can't do it now'. It's not the most sophisticated plan in the book, but I think it will work.

I don't even know why I'm dedicating so much energy to talking about her... there are actually quite a few people I've really come to know on this course, because it's so intense that everyone in it inevitably bonds on at least some level. It has really helped to remind me that I'm not alone and people aren't so threatening... sort of like when I was in uni and most of the people around me weren't scary to me. It's when you fall into deep isolation that you start seeing everyone as a monster.

 

[Odo]

So I just did something kind of nasty.

I got the 'normal' pass for the course, which angered me. I was on the verge of a more 'special' pass, but of course the person watching my lesson was my tutor from the first half of the course and not the second.

So on Monday, instead of doing a normal assessment and giving me my sheet back as soon as my lesson ended, he held onto it overnight and the next day scoured my portfolio looking for some reason not to give me the higher grade. In the end, he decided against it and I got the sheet back the following day with an absolutely pathetic explanation for it.

This morning I talked to my second-half tutor about it and said I was angry and that it made no sense... and she eventually admitted to me that it was less about grading the lesson I taught and more about grading my overall performance-- ie: he didn't think I deserved it.

So just now I scoured the Internet for the name of the assessor (the person who comes in and evaluates the tutors) and emailed her a rant about it. I talked about every little comment he made during my lesson (while I was trying to teach he was talking, and not quietly), I talked about how weird his feedback was and how everyone who was evaluated by a different tutor for their final lesson had the same complaint. I brought up everything he has said during the course that irritated me, and I even told her that he had started dating one of the students in the class (which was actually true-- I knew her and she told me so, and they even changed the schedule so that he wouldn't be assessing her). I said that there was no reason for them to have to deceive people and make it 'look' like my lesson wasn't as good as it was just so whoever saw the portfolio would think that I didn't deserve a better grade. I mentioned everything he has said and done that has been unprofessional and/or offputting... I actually remembered quite a bit of stuff.

I also brought up the guy who should have failed but didn't... and how unleashing someone like that on the world is only going to hurt their brand.

I haven't heard back yet, and I don't know what the consequences will be, but yeah... I feel kind of good about it. Or maybe I just came off like someone who is bitter about their grade. I guess that's true, but yeah... I think my lesson should be my lesson and my final grade should be my final grade.

I also talked to the other people in my situation and hopefully they'll email her as well... then we might actually see some positive changes in the course. I guess I am kind of approaching this from an 'I want them to feel like I feel' angle and the bit about him dating the student is probably a little low... but **** it, I need this.

 

[Odo]

And so the final chapter in the saga that nobody cares about is that I achieved my pass B. I guess all of my complaining got me somewhere or someone at the center was on my side because they emailed the results and there at the top of my report was my Pass B grade. This after pretty much being told directly that I wasn't going to get it.

So in a way I'm pleased, but I'm still literally having nightmares about the course and I would really like to put it all behind me. In my final report, they even mentioned my anxiety and 'hiding behind technology', which was a huge sore point for me throughout the course... though I think they realized I wasn't really doing that and that it was also mostly just about not spending all kinds of time writing everything on the board.

Also, to be even more honest, the grading system is pretty much bullshit, and I think the standards vary wildly from place to place. If I had had my second-half tutor from the beginning, I honestly think I could have managed an A. But I suppose I should just be happy with what I have and let myself actually feel good about something in my life for once.

 

[BlueDays]

And so the final chapter in the saga that nobody cares about is that I achieved my pass B. I guess all of my complaining got me somewhere or someone at the center was on my side because they emailed the results and there at the top of my report was my Pass B grade. This after pretty much being told directly that I wasn't going to get it.

So in a way I'm pleased, but I'm still literally having nightmares about the course and I would really like to put it all behind me. In my final report, they even mentioned my anxiety and 'hiding behind technology', which was a huge sore point for me throughout the course... though I think they realized I wasn't really doing that and that it was also mostly just about not spending all kinds of time writing everything on the board.

Also, to be even more honest, the grading system is pretty much bullshit, and I think the standards vary wildly from place to place. If I had had my second-half tutor from the beginning, I honestly think I could have managed an A. But I suppose I should just be happy with what I have and let myself actually feel good about something in my life for once.

^Congrats on achieving your Pass B results, Odo. You should be very proud of yourself that you actually managed to stay and it finish it :thumbup: I thought you were going to leave at certain points along the story. I am certain I would not have been able to make it to the end if I was under that much stress.

 

[Odo]

^Congrats on achieving your Pass B results, Odo. You should be very proud of yourself that you actually managed to stay and it finish it :thumbup: I thought you were going to leave at certain points along the story. I am certain I would not have been able to make it to the end if I was under that much stress.

Thanks Bluedays... I was pretty stressed out about it even after it was finished and I got my marks. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I had to eat a special cookie in order to stop my head from racing and going over the whole thing again and again... but now I think I'm somewhat back to normal. The cooler weather in Denmark is helping my appetite as well.

I guess it is a pretty satisfying result as I was aiming only for the normal pass, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I couldn't go through it again, and if it had been any longer I wouldn't have been able to do it, even if it did mean a lighter workload.

It was really strange at the end because a lot of people were disappointed that it was ending-- because of the bonding but also because there was always something that needed to be done and after a while you can get used to that feeling. Now there's not as much to do for people so they're left feeling kind of empty... at least one classmate said she hadn't been as happy as she was doing the course in a long time, which is baffling to me as she was regularly suffering breakdowns and crying and/or coming in on no sleep. It really does mess with your head and it takes a while to get over it.

But yes, I am now in the top 25% of CELTA graduates worldwide, which is a pretty good result even though I think how easy or hard the course is also depends on where you take it and who your trainer is.

I also have a job lined up teaching at a university in China, which I hope will turn out well... I'm leaving later this month. I actually had to deal with all of the visa stress while I was taking the course as well, which didn't help. They dropped this bomb on me when they announced a new law meant I needed to get my degree notarized while I had left it in Denmark not knowing I would need it... but then they put the law on hold on that magic Friday where everything turned around for me. So yeah, overall I think I handled a lot of shit really quite well, and that's probably the biggest accomplishment of all.

 

[Odo]

I'm going to turn 37 soon.

I've definitely reached the age where my birthdays bother me more than they make me feel special or excited. I'm 3 years away from 40 now, and I really don't know if I have very much to show for it.

I mean, I have experiences... but nothing tangible. No kids, no house and car, etc. But I guess they say that experiences make you happier than things. Not that kids and a house of your own are only about having 'things'. And I think that status and such are experiences too.

I think at this point I've officially dedicated myself to a life of ESL teaching in various countries... and I think I've decided to do the best I can do as well. I definitely didn't see myself ending up like this... but I suppose that besides fantasies about filmmaking, I didn't really see myself ending up any way.

So I'm currently finishing off my year in Denmark and will be moving to China in about 3 weeks. I don't necessarily have a lot of thoughts about that... but I suppose I am kind of looking forward to it in a way. I don't know what to expect necessarily and I know that China isn't exactly developed in every area, but I will be living on a university campus which should be okay.

That is my life at the moment.

 

[Odo]

Sometimes people who don't know how to be happy end up looking to other people for cues.

I'm saying this because I just found this thread on reddit about the strange people who teach ESL... and my anxiety is now through the roof because I can't help thinking I'm selling myself short by working in this industry, and am worried that I am somehow a failure.

It's sort of like how I wanted to get the B grade because I didn't want to be like the one guy who earned just a pass, even though plenty of others who earned just the pass were fine-- that's where the feeling of failure comes from. Not from what you've actually done, but from how other people are regarded in relation to you, and your desire to be seen as equal to those people.

 

[Odo]

I'm 37 today.

I think when I was 36, I felt like 40 was less of an impending reality to the extent that I could simply put off thinking about it, but not anymore.

This is a birthday that seems to lend itself to reflection, which I'm not so big on, because of what I have done with my life and the fact that it's something of a struggle to tell myself that I haven't been wasting it.

Nope, nothing new here.

 

[Odo]

I've decided that I officially love hsihash.

This is going to sound completely irresponsible and losery, but there is nothing else in the world quite like it. It's the only drug where I can completely get out of myself, just go with the flow and stop doubting pretty much everything I do.

Sometimes it makes mediocrity feel like genius, but there is enough real inspiration in it all to make it all worthwhile... when I come down the next day I can look at what I've written or created and make sense of it... it's like clearing out the congestion and all of the stagnant pieces of energy that had been clogging up my flow.

And the BEST thing in the world is listening to music. I don't know what other people feel but for me it's like my brain goes almost completely synesthetic, and suddenly it's not just music, it's geometric shapes and colors... every instrument has its own movement and it's own shape and color, and it's like every single sound in the song has its own location and I can see/hear it all so much more clearly and appreciate its complexities so much better. I swear to god the best experiences of my life have involved just listening to the right music in the right place in the right state of mind.

I suppose my general aimlessness, lack of family, lack of purpose and not really serious or responsible attitude towards life might have something to do with the fact that the only thing that gives me real joy and hope in life is an illegal drug... and I can't say for sure that I'd be all that happy about it if I were doing it more often, but yes, if I could do hash every second weekend for the rest of my life, I think my attitude towards existence in general would be 200 percent improved.

I think the biggest appeal of it is that it helps me to believe that there is in fact something else out there that isn't bound to things like logic or science or reason, and that it's also accessible. I can imagine that some people could experience those things and simply write them off as being 'intoxicated' or 'out of their minds', but I honestly can't writing off all of those images and ideas and sensations as being somehow infinitely less important than the reality I'm faced with on a daily basis.

 

[Odo]

I've noticed most of my journal entries lately have been more me-focused as opposed to discussing what's on my mind... which I suppose is probably due to the fact that I'm moving to yet another country and have 'things' going on. But I guess it probably makes it harder to relate to.

Anyways, I'm leaving for China next Saturday, and now that it's becoming more and more real for me, I'm having a serious 'what the **** am I doing with my life?' moment. Am I going to end up bouncing around like this until finally I'm too old to find work anywhere, or I guess until the industry dries up? I keep thinking back to Korea and how lonely it was... so I guess I should pretty much dedicate myself to REALLY learning the language this time. But when I was in Spain, I kind of realized how much easier it would be to learn Spanish or French which are extremely similar, as opposed to ****ing Chinese, which is definitely NOT.

Sometimes it feels like I'm constantly living for a future that might never come to pass, like doing this because it's easy is just a way of avoiding things and I would be much happier if I just dealt with them. On the other hand, I have no idea how I would do that, and every time I have to work for something I end up getting pissed off at something or putting someone off and then it's over.

I feel like I could change this, but I don't know where to begin... and I have this fear of never actually living up to my potential, or just wasting it in some job where nothing I do really matters, nobody really thinks very much of me or what I'm doing, and worst of all I never get to do what I really want to do.

I don't feel young anymore, and I don't have that sense of there being a lot of time to change the way things are... well, actually, I feel like I'm on the very edge of being too old to change... but I suppose that as long as I don't lose all of my money or get really sick or die, then I have quite a bit of time left and will probably have a shot at doing something great eventually.

 

[Odo]

I'm in China now.

It was a really exhausting first week and I'm pretty burned out right now, as it was a 180 degree reversal of my life before this week.

The classes were nerve-wracking, but could have been worse. But the worst part of it all is having to go out and buy all of the shit I don't have because I moved, and not really having a lot of money to do it with.

They offer us free meals 3x per day but I hate going into the cafeteria because it's so noisy and I don't want to have to introduce myself to everyone... and there is very very little in terms of groceries available on campus. This means in order to buy food, I have to take the bus for about 25 minutes into town-- which could be worse but isn't great.

The apartment is extremely nice. EVERYTHING in it is brand new. A new bed, a new couch, a new closet, a new washing machine, a new smart TV, a new A/C, etc. etc.... it's not big, but it looks really nice.

I can't really complain, but on the other hand it's also causing me a lot of stress as well, owing to some mild OCD and unfamiliarity with slate stone shower stalls.

This is going to sound a lot like first world problems in action and it's probably very boring, but whatever.

On my second day here I wanted to clean up my shower stall after a shower, not realizing there were still particles of I guess stone dust on the floor. So what happened was when I finished mopping up the floor, the slate was scratched with these really deep really long white scratches. I couldn't believe how upset I was that I no longer had a perfect shower floor... but now that I'm reading up on it more, I realize that the reason it scratched so easily is probably because it's very cheap.

Anyways, I was reading online that you could remove scratches from slate using mineral oil... but of course I didn't have any mineral oil. I did have peanut oil, though... and I know that this is extremely stupid, but I thought it might work and my mind simply could not handle the sight of the scratches. So now not only are the scratches not gone, but there are stains around them as well. And the stains are sort of brown.

At this point, I'm not sure whether to just go ahead and paint the whole thing with that oil (or some other kind of oil), try to fix it or just give up. I can't even read the labels on most products here... I don't know how I'm going to find something to clean it up. At the same time, looking at it is causing me stress. I feel embarrassed to talk about it, but these scratches/stains are seriously occupying a great deal of space in my brain and I can't seem to let it go.

I found this article, which seems to offer some hope:

How to Clean Slate - Bob Vila's Blogs

I need it to be a solution with some relatively commonplace items involved because I'm in ****ing China and I can't read anything or talk to anyone.

Oh yeah, and every day I feel extremely tired around 7 or 8 pm, then end up crashing in exhaustion, waking up after about 2 hours then am unable to fall asleep. I don't think I've had an actual proper meal since I got here.

But all of these things worry me less than the ****ing shower stall.

 

[Odo]

I'm cagey.

I was suddenly hit by this week-long holiday just a week after I started teaching and I'm not happy about it.

It's weird that I could be unhappy about a holiday, but I just started working last week, so it's not like I'm in need of a break-- in fact, just the opposite. I need to work because I need to build rapport with the kids, I want to figure out how to do these classes, and because without the work I have to face the grim reality of my life outside of the job.

I currently don't have enough money to go anywhere or do anything so I'm sort of just sitting here wondering what I'm going to do for the next week. I mostly expect to stay inside a lot and wait for it to end.

It's very hot here. There was a big typhoon on Tuesday and today was the first sunny day, which meant there was a lot of humidity in the air... so just standing around left me dripping.

I went into town and it was really unpleasant to walk around-- it's a lot of honking and people who don't care if they hit you driving horribly and people with misbehaving kids swarming the shopping centers and then of course everyone is staring at the only foreigner in the area.

And then there's this shit:

Why drivers in China intentionally kill the pedestrians they hit: China’s laws have encouraged the hit to kill phenomenon.

On top of that, it's always dirty and dusty everywhere... the rivers are brown and while I think there are probably areas that are actually bearable, being in the city is kind of horrible.

 

[Odo]

I have to admit, the staring here is getting to me a lot more than I expected it to.

It's mostly Chinese girls about half my age that seem bowled over by the fact that I'm a real live white person, and yes, I think there is actually an element of attraction involved. I could be reading them wrong, but I don't think so... there really is some sort of cultural fetish for western men, and me being a lot older isn't a barrier for them.

All the same, I wish they would stop... all it is doing is reminding me how much I stand out and making me feel like I'm going to do something to humiliate myself, which in turn makes me do my nervous movements (twitching, trembling, feeling like I'm going to lose strength in my legs, etc), which in turn makes me feel more nervous. So then I know they can see how nervous I am, and now it's like every time someone stares at me, I seize up and feel like I'm humiliating myself. It's truly agony.

I feel like they probably think I'm nervous because I'm attracted to them, which makes it seem even more pathetic than just having anxiety... because instead of someone with anxiety issues who just doesn't like being looked at all the time (which they would never guess, given I'm a public figure and teach their classes and such), I'm this pervy foreign instructor who gets nervous around the young girls at the university. It's like that song by Sting and the Police - 'Don't Stand So Close To Me', which I can't post because youtube is blocked.

But sufficed to say, I can't see myself ending up in a relationship with a 19 year old Chinese girl. I don't even think I'd be able to hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes-- and the ones I would have would probably be about hobbies or food or something incredibly basic and boring. It's extremely humiliating to be 37 years old and acting like this.

I just hope it doesn't give people the wrong idea-- apparently there have been other instructors who have started relationships (but probably just had sex with) students at this university and it has caused a lot of problems. There is this thing about female virginity being very precious here and girls are apparently considered 'ruined' once they sleep with a guy who isn't their husband. Oh yeah, and apparently there have even been some foreign instructors who have slept with multiple students, or who have deliberately tried to deflower them... just absolutely nasty shit that is partially the result of the western hookup culture colliding with the puritanical patriarchal Chinese one and partially the result of poor screening of foreign instructors and partially the result of just general douchebaggery.

So yeah...

 

[Opaline]

^whoa. To all of that.

I don't know what else to say, except sorry about the self-consciousness. I know what you mean. That's rough.

 

[Odo]

Thanks Opaline.

I really hope I can relax soon... but I'm really beginning to wonder why I ever thought that living on a university campus would be a good idea. It was nice when I was 19 and didn't have a care in the world (though I may just have rose-colored glasses about that), but now not so much.

I guess I could start thinking of it as exposure therapy.

 

[Odo]

Trying to find directions online without using google maps is agony. I'm using bing and it is so so so so so ****ing stupid. I've pinned both place I want to go and have no idea how to get directions between the places.

 

[BlueDays]

Trying to find directions online without using google maps is agony. I'm using bing and it is so so so so so ****ing stupid. I've pinned both place I want to go and have no idea how to get directions between the places.

^ Hope you found out how to get there, and you did not end up using a GPS, lol. :bigsmile:
https://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/a/29687809/melb-man-follows-gps-onto-train-tracks-watches-car-get-hit/

 

[Odo]

^ Hope you found out how to get there, and you did not end up using a GPS, lol. :bigsmile:
https://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/a/29687809/melb-man-follows-gps-onto-train-tracks-watches-car-get-hit/

I ended up going today instead, just following a student 'helper' (we get students to help us settle in) and another foreign teacher who was going there.

The bad news is that while I was there, my new and expensive Huawei Honor 7 phone fell out of my pocket while I was in a taxi, I didn't notice it until I had left the taxi, and it is now confirmed stolen and lost forever.

I got my Chinese helper guy to call the phone repeatedly as soon as I realized it was gone (about 2 minutes after we left the cab)-- he even called GPS to track it and put in a real solid effort, but after numerous calls the phone went dead, which means the SIM card was removed and it now belongs to some douchebag taxi driver or one of his douchebag passengers. We can be pretty sure that if he was going to return it, he would have answered the text messages... but now that it's not receiving calls, it's pretty much guaranteed gone. I had to come home and change my Skype password so they couldn't use it... but I doubt they would be that dumb anyways as doing so would give away who they are.

If only we had gotten the taxi driver's information we might have been able to save it, but really, who thinks to do that??

So yes, it was not a good day in Fuzhou.

On the other hand, I've realized that going running at the track is an amazing way to meet my students.

My anger was subsiding when I got back, and I decided to go for a run and get some endorphins going... and I almost always bump into at least one of them while I'm there, and I almost always get to talk to them. It's really nice because when I'm in class it's hard to talk to all of them and they're such sweet kids. Tonight I met a girl who told me it was her first ever time talking to a foreigner... and another kid who wasn't even in my class. They're always full of compliments and seem to think I'm really handsome and 'cool' haha. I can't believe that they think a 37 year old balding guy is cool, but apparently it's true. They're also very eager to grow up and become adults... which is actually pretty reassuring because it's when they don't want to grow up or think they're already there that they become troublemakers.

I honestly feel like a movie star here-- which can be a good or bad thing. Today in Fuzhou a random guy wanted to take a picture with me. I had heard of that happening to others in Japan and it happened to me in Indonesia, but I always thought I was too old for it to happen to me anymore. I guess I've still got it! And by 'it' I mean I'm a white guy in a homogeneous Asian society.

 

[Odo]

I hiked up a mountain yesterday... it's called 'Gushan', which means 'Drum Mountain'. It's a big tourist attraction in the city of Fuzhou... and when you get to the top you can look out over the entire city (it was covered in smog). At the top there are also 18 sights which actually cost money to see... but for some reason, when we went to see them the guard just waved us in and we didn't have to pay. We suspected that it was because we were foreigners.

The amount of sweating I did would really feel cleansing, even it meant I was extra ripe for the bus ride home.

Hiking in the mountains is definitely the thing I miss most about living in Korea. In Korea I could walk to the mountain, it would take at least 2 hours to hike the whole thing (longer if I took the more difficult trail) and more often than not I wouldn't run into anyone on the trail.

Here I had to take a bus for about 40 minutes, wait over 30 minutes for another bus, then take that bus for about 20 minutes just to walk up this touristy mountain that had thousands of steps going up instead of a trail.

We actually took a cable car down... which was actually somewhat terrifying, mostly because the things did not give the impression of having been serviced on a regular basis. I'm hoping that I can find a better mountain to hike up sometime soon.

On the way back we (I went with another foreign teacher) went to the smaller city close to the university, and stumbled upon a night market selling uber-cheap shoes. I got some extremely cheap New Balance knock-offs for about $7 USD, and also some 'classier' shoes for work for the same (as classy as you can get for $7). I felt like it was my first taste of the real China. Then we had something called 'Bamyeon' (sp?) for dinner-- egg noodles with a sort of peanut sauce and what I used to call gyoza when I was in Japan but I forget the Chinese name.

I'm sure there are people who would think I'm living it up because every day is an adventure in a new country... and in some ways that's true, but my anxiety has been up and down a lot lately... and I feel like I should go out and buy a hat so I don't stand out so much. But since I tower over everyone, I'm probably going to stand out anyways.

And I'm actually starting to develop a cough. I felt it in my lungs and chest this morning.

 

[Odo]

I am super stressed out.

I think I might be doing a BIT better in class, but my hands are still shaking sometimes when I write on the board.

On Friday afternoon I swore that I had identified my first troublemaker... and it was the worst kind of troublemaker. It was a troublemaker with a great sense of humor. Someone who talks through my lessons, distracts other students, and can charm the rest of the class into following his lead instead of mine. Someone who can speak to them using their own cultural conventions. And he's actually not a bad-looking kid either... a little thin but very confident and very assured. The girls like him... and the worst part is that I think he's probably ahead of the other kids, which means he doesn't actually NEED to be taking my class. Basically, he's a teacher's worst nightmare.

It's insanely easy for kids to get distracted when I'm teaching in a language that isn't their own... and this kid could very well become a veritable enemy in the struggle to have a decent semester/accomplish my goals.

I might have made a mistake with him early on as well. I know this is going to sound messed up, but whenever I get a student like this, I immediately go on high alert and I try to get strategic. Sometimes this leads to panic, but as of yet I haven't completely fumbled the ball with this.

Basically, I asked him to answer a question and he stood up and told me he couldn't see the board. He had been sitting with his friends, being distracted and bored (okay, my lessons aren't exactly rollercoaster rides)... and I called on him because of that. Anyways, then I said that if he couldn't see, maybe he could sit closer to the front-- I'm not sure if he thought I was angry or being a **** or trying to control everyone or what... but anyways, it was after that I really noticed him talking. He was distracting the girls in the front, girls who had previously been paying attention... to the point where I could hear him and kept glancing over in his direction, only to see him talking. I did it several times and he didn't really react... I think he knew that I was onto him, but I'm not sure if he realized it was annoying the hell out of me. I guess I should have confronted him, but I'm not yet completely comfortable with that class and I felt like doing so would have made me nervous/anxious and he could have gotten confrontational back and I would have ended up humiliating myself. Oh the joys of teaching with anxiety!!!

I guess in some ways, things like this are a good argument against people like me being teachers. I wasn't sure if he was trying to turn the girls against me or making fun of me or what... maybe he was upset that I asked him to come to the front?

Anyways, at the end of the class I did this activity where I got them to describe their future husband or wife... they all seemed to find this amusing, probably because it had so much potential for awkwardness and embarrassment, which is exactly how I felt last week when they unleashed a fury of personal questions about my first love, etc.

And he was the first person I picked to come up and talk about it... which I think was a good move, because he did a good job and I think in some ways he liked being the center of attention. Then 3 others did the same, and it went well... it was a welcome burst of energy in a class that had been excruciatingly dull for quite some time.

But who knows if he's going to act up again... and to be honest, I think I'm going to be extra uncomfortable in that class next week. I hope everything turns out alright... but yes, I'm worried.