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[Odo]

I just finished some work related stuff and was happy to see a new post on your thread and read it right away because I enjoy reading your thoughts.

One word. Wow!

Incredibly thought-provoking and articulate as always! Not one bit of what you wrote didn't make me think, Odo.

Being that I still cannot figure out how to do the multi quote thing I will say this-the last bit you wrote about the impact of a single violent act on a child possibly effecting them their entire lives is really profound.

Also the bit about cowardice and such...it's all so incredibly loaded! Damn you for making me think!!

You need to be script writing some very intense characters btw that's an order.

Oh they watch that show about the little people? That is very popular-do you think it's because of the German term "schadenfreude"? Oh but you say they are successful on the show....I am sure the root of it is possibly schadenfreude, for most people to enjoy it anyways.

Awwwww thanks Molly!!

I always feel like I write too much in these things so I broke up the cowardice bit and did the other bit about my dad.

But yes, I like writing and I am currently writing a script as well. Thanks for the encouragement!

I definitely do think that a single violent act can have an effect.

I guess for me it wasn't just that single act that did it, but that particular time stands out and I think it says a lot about my coping strategies. I think that if I had dealt with it all and figured everything out back then it would have been better, so really the most damaging part was probably my mom trying to cover it all up to protect my dad and her need to have the image of an ideal family... in small towns where people gossip, it's a pretty big deal.

I just looked up what that term meant-- I agree.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Awwwww thanks Molly!!

I always feel like I write too much in these things so I broke up the cowardice bit and did the other bit about my dad.

But yes, I like writing and I am currently writing a script as well. Thanks for the encouragement!

I definitely do think that a single violent act can have an effect.

I guess for me it wasn't just that single act that did it, but that particular time stands out and I think it says a lot about my coping strategies. I think that if I had dealt with it all and figured everything out back then it would have been better, so really the most damaging part was probably my mom trying to cover it all up to protect my dad and her need to have the image of an ideal family... in small towns where people gossip, it's a pretty big deal.

I just looked up what that term meant-- I agree.

Please write all you want! I think you're talented and you better use that gift to help others through it...a lot of people cannot get these kind of deep feelings out like you can.

Oh mom's covering for dad's is the oldest and cruelest trick in the book. I suppose that when women had to stay at home and be moms instead of working that made it even more prevalent since they felt unable to care for the kids on their own without the man's income. Was you're mom a stay-at-home?

This reminded me of something I read about Mike Tyson and how one act of violence made him into the world-famous boxer he became(all Robin Givens accusations aside for this discussion)

He said he raised pigeons when he was a boy, wait was this in a movie-yeah his bio...I watched it...ok he raised these birds on a roof top in a city he grew up in and some other kids came and broke the necks of all his birds one day and he said that one incident is what made the switch go off in him and he channeled it (rage) into his boxing and became the knock-out king in the ring.

I always thought this was an amazing story. I think everyone has these pivotal moments, though most people don't even know/realize how effected by them they really are and have been shaped by them.

On a side note-One of my loves in life is animals for they live in the moment but I know for a fact they also remember things that scared them and they are much, much smarter than we primates want to believe.

 

[Odo]

Thanks again for responding.

I'm sorry you were abused... but good for you for leaving and never returning. My dad was definitely distant as well... but he wasn't exactly intelligent. He knew his own world very well, but he wasn't a very good father-- he spent almost no time with either of us, and the only time we saw him was when we actually made an effort to help him in whatever he was doing... usually because our mom told us to. He would never actually come to us and ask us for our help. I think maybe when we were really little he was better, but not really. I guess we would go to movies together sometimes... but I think he was better with other people's kids than he was with us. I remember once he yelled at me at Disneyworld because we weren't going high enough in the ****ing rocketship thing and he was embarrassed. But I guess I got to go to Disneyworld.

Maybe I should have also left here and not looked back. I tried to run away once when I was really young, but it was too hard... we lived in the countryside so there was nowhere to go. That was another shitty thing... I couldn't actually go anywhere unless I wanted to sleep in the forest. There were no neighbors where I could spend the night, I didn't have any friends (let's face it-- kids tend to choose their friends out of convenience/proximity) and was totally dependent on my parents for everything.

I suppose I depended on my parents way too much for too long, even after leaving for university... I kind of hate myself for that too, but to be honest I had always planned on killing myself before university so I didn't really care what I studied or where I went when it came time to choose a uni/degree. My head was just not in the game of life and nobody was giving me any advice about it. I was spending a lot of time with kids who weren't even going to university and I really didn't know much of anything about the economy or getting a job or anything like that. I guess I was also getting high a lot, which didn't help.

What I still don't understand is why my parents were willing to pay thousands of dollars for an education that neither they nor I knew anything about... so yeah, they weren't all bad and they did do that for me, which is pretty impressive because a lot of kids had to pay their own way through. It's kind of ironic that when I was pretty much full-on suicidal and didn't give a shit about my future I was making huge life-changing decisions with their total unquestioning support. But whatever, they made the university happy anyways... and the money helped out their more important programs a lot I'm sure.

Sometimes I think it's just a different era, and that kind of thing was a lot more acceptable back then... if everyone's being beaten, it isn't a disadvantage when you are. Socially, intellectually, emotionally, etc... it just became impossible to focus on anything and with the terrible teachers on top of it all I spent those years getting totally lost and never really got completely back on track in school.

If I hadn't been so isolated on top of it, I might have been able to get over it and actually end up making something of myself... that's the frustrating thing. More than the actual beatings, it's the fact that they contributed to my getting off track in school... I mean, I used to love going to school, studying, etc. I enjoyed the actual studying, but then.

I wish I could have been inspired to get tough or strong or whatever, but instead just the opposite happened... it's really too bad. But who knows... maybe I was just kidding myself, or maybe the beatings didn't effect me as much as I think-- they did sort of push me deeper into writing and forms of escape-- but being a writer for a living is almost impossible these days. Plus, I sort of stopped reading during that time too... I mostly just came home and thought about dying, or worried about diseases and ulcers and stuff.

It's amazing just how many things came to a grinding halt during those years-- from about ages 9-12. Maybe it happens for a lot of kids like that. Your main teachers don't really notice because they only see you for that year... so by the time I got to grade 7 I was a completely different person. I suppose that happens around that time as well.

Yep... it is what it is.

 

[Odo]

Last night I watched a documentary on hyperparenting:

Hyper-Parents and Coddled Kids - Doc Zone

And apparently, anxiety disorders can be a result.

I can't really think of too many things more awful than admitting yuu have a disorder that is the result of your parents doing too much for you. I mean, abuse and neglect are far more socially acceptable things to have suffered... because at least then you have that special sense of victimhood and people might be able to appreciate that you've suffered.

But to be spoiled to the point of psychological disorder means you're probably not going to find very much in the way of sympathy, just a lot of people who are annoyed at you for being so into yourself.

I do vaguely recall feeling that I was somehow 'special' when I was younger. I think in some ways I learned that you're not supposed to tell people things like that or they'll think you're a douche, but I'm not sure if that feeling ever really went away. Then again, it might have something to do with the fact that I am me, so of course I'm going to feel like I'm 'special'... I have a much closer relationship with myself than I do with others, turbulent and destructive though it sometimes may be.

I guess that I'm really not sure how a person is supposed to feel about themselves, or even if ego is something that you can turn off. I suppose I try to be self-critical and stop myself short when I feel like I'm wandering into unrealistic forms of self-aggrandizement.

I definitely think that need to be special peaked in my teen years and early 20s... and I see kids who are that age now and they remind me of myself. So maybe I was hyperparented-- I suppose I always felt like my parents were mostly distant.

But I suppose I did have a lot of things done for me. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true... I didn't get everything I wanted, but I don't think I ever really developed a solid work ethic. And to be honest, at my last job there weren't a lot of demands placed on me to develop one. I've sort of been breezing through, I guess... there have been struggles with depression and failure and such, but I haven't actually pushed myself. Is it supposed to feel like this? What does accomplishing something great even feel like? Would other people be proud of the smaller accomplishments in my life? Have I set the bar too low for myself?

I'm really starting to think I need to get back to the film, and really go for it. I mean, I'm getting older and giving into other things right now might see me putting it off too long.

 

[Odo]

I've lost about 10 lbs in the past month, and I can't explain it. I mean, that's a lot of weight, and it's not like I'm 20 anymore.

I'm not sure what did it-- I've been going for really long walks (like 2 hours or so) and I guess I've been eating less, but yeah, 10 lbs is a lot and to be honest. I guess I've stopped eating junk? Well no... actually I ate an entire tray of Nanaimo bars over the past 2 weeks.

I used to want to lose some weight but it's weird because it's not like I was doing anything to put on muscle before. Maybe I just wasn't burning it off either. I feel a lot smaller in general here compared to when I was living in Asia... I mean, westerners are BIG.

In other news, Ontario (my province in Canada) has just elected a lesbian as its leader. She was the leader before, but she wasn't actually elected... and now she has been elected with a majority government.

On the news they were talking about how people in the US actually campaign on anti-gay stances, while for Canadians it isn't even an issue. It didn't even come up once when the parties were attacking each other.

I had completely forgotten about it until her speech. I didn't vote for her because I'm way way left and she wants to get money for mining projects and a chromite smelter in the North... but I was relieved it was her instead of the hard right candidate, who would have killed unionized labor and replaced it with a lot of low paying temporary work, and then cut social programs on top of that. The thing is, that guy would still be considered left in the US... the left in the US is our far right and the right in the US is like some sort of zany circus act that only the dumbest people in the country support.

One of the reasons America terrifies me is because of just how far it has swung to the right, and just how unapologetically hateful the GOP is. I mean, campaigning on an anti-gay stance? It reminds me of the Nazis focusing everyone's hatred on the Jews. It is literally exactly the same thing... and somehow, it's not even unexpected.

Scary.


Finally, today was Father's Day, and I guess I was a **** because I didn't say anything to my dad. I'm not sure why, I just feel this need to hold onto the past... like I need to put space between us because it's the only way I can avoid feeling like I'm 12. He was a gigantic ******* for putting down practically every single aspect of my life in the most repugnant, condescending way possible and I'm glad to be getting out of here, but it's more than just being angry at him, it's also this need to break free from the BS that my life has become. I need to make sure I never come back. I'm too old to be living at home and to be honest, having this kind of safety net makes me feel weak... I should never have come back to live here in the first place. It was worse than Korea, because I saw literally no one. I talked to no one but my parents. I didn't go anywhere. I had no friends. I was a wreck at the end of Korea, but I think living here has actually managed to push me even lower.

I can only hope I can function better where I'm going-- but the good news is I'll have help.

 

[MollyBeGood]

It seems I am always catching you journal-ing =)

Ohh yeahhhh...here in my small town....They (racist right winger majority) threatened to burn the movie theater down if they played "Broke Back Mtn". I kid ya not.

 

[Odo]

^I grew up with a lot of right-wing hicks around me as well... it was great to leave it behind.

***

For the past few days I have been obsessed with the movie The Empire Strikes Back. I have watched it over and over, studied the screenplay, read reviews, and read a book on the making of the film.

I'm still working on my own script... it has almost been a year now, but reading about the making of that film in the script stage was really inspiring. George Lucas basically just wrote a huge list of ideas that didn't even necessarily make sense, and then passed it on to someone else to write the script. Then he took it back and wrote part of it himself, then had someone else polish it. I read through his entire list of ideas and it was lunacy... it was just throwing a lot of stuff out... like an explosion of ideas that eventually found a structure.

I'm not sure that ESB is the masterpiece a lot of the nerds think it is, but it does move along really well, it holds your interest and it delivers a mostly satisfying conclusion. The dialogue is painful but you don't even notice because it's exciting and there is a lot of momentum in every scene.

It's really helpful to break scripts down into their smaller components and start looking at how they work. It's not just about sitting down and hammering it out while letting your creative juices flow-- everything happens in sections, hits beats, and timing is the most important. It's a lot more about problem-solving and crafting than it is about being artistic. You can be creative, but there is nothing primal about it except perhaps the brainstorming part, and in fact it's very workmanlike, where you need to keep refining and polishing and adding and taking away.

It's still hard to do it right because so much has already been said and so much has already been done. Some of the tricks will always work but some won't... and then on top of all of that, you need to create characters that are interesting, motivated, etc.

With my script, I'm aiming for a sort of middle ground between art-house and hugely commercial... I think it will have a verrry low budget and I don't want it to be stupid, but I would like people to watch it and enjoy it. I think if I could make movies like that, which combine watchability/mass appeal with intelligence and not-so-straightforward characters, I would be set.

 

[Odo]

I've started taking some capsules with lavender, ashwaghanda and some other weird things. It was recommended to me by someone at the 'healthy living' store... and I looked it up and found this article:

Ashwaganda for Anxiety | Psychology Today

So it sounds pretty good!

It's good because it raises your energy level when it gets too low, and lowers it when it gets too high. Apparently it keeps your cortisol level steady.

I was also reading up on it, and childhood abuse can raise your cortisol levels permanently-- which I think it probably a major cause of my anxiety... I think my drug use and the bullying at school probably raised it as well. It has definitely damaged my memory. I have a lot of trouble remembering things that people have just said, and processing and reacting to information. Sometimes I will be talking to someone, and then later on I will remember some detail of the conversation that I sort of ignored or passed over and feel guilty for not responding to it... but in the moment, it just sort of slips away, then comes back. I was listening, it just wasn't being processed.

Before the abuse, my memory was almost photographic. I would always be offered huge parts in plays at school because I could always remember my lines. I memorized and gave public speeches, was in competitions. I remember being able to read a very large part in a play, then recite it from memory almost immediately. I guess children's brains are sort of like that... so maybe it was never meant to last.

I suppose part of the problem was that I ran out of ways to apply it. I didn't get the big parts in the plays, and I was too hated at school to want to participate in speech contests anymore. I had some really awful teachers as well. I guess right around the time my dad started beating me up all the time, I also started having problems at school, had some really terrible teachers, and was also bullied pretty mercilessly... and it was also when we moved out into the countryside where I didn't have anyone to talk to. There were months on end where I would just hide in my room and dread going back to school, dread coming out to see my dad... and then sometimes he would come in and get me. So there was nowhere to go.

I started hiding and trying to stay out of everyone's way. I guess being so isolated at the very least kept me out of trouble. There wasn't anyone to hang out with and do bad things. There was no way out. It was pretty much like that until high school... and then I can't imagine the drug use did me any favors. But I would say it probably did less damage than the abuse/bullying, because that really did stay with me for a very long time.

Once I even took acid and hallucinated one of the boys at school kicking at my face (which really happened)... but at that point I must have distanced myself from it because I was soon adrift in this kind of cosmic ocean, which was actually full of my own thoughts, which in turn belonged to the ocean and were not just thoughts but also multi-dimensional beings. So instead of seeing just the 'normal' face, each thought's normal appearance rotated out to show other facets that were more abstract. I always picture madness as being this sort of endless barrage of information where you can't sort any of it out, but this wasn't like that. I knew that these were my own thoughts and I had a perspective on them that was basically a silent witness in awe of everything that was happening. Eventually there was a moment of judgment from these figure on high... of course there was no high or low and after spending some time in the cosmic ocean my sense of logic or reality was altered enough to be able to naturally 'understand' how these judges could exist in such a state-- that was not explicitly visual and was more about creating 'impressions' which weren't grounded in any particular perception however existed with the same/similar effect as impressions with definite physical causes... like they could bypass the physical and manifest as pure impression-- which is something I would imagine the causal plain is like.

I think that the judgment occurred right after I actively chose to associate myself with this sort of creature. It was innocent enough but there was something pathetic or dirty about it that the judges didn't like, and while I was somewhat ashamed and their judging faces affected me deeply, I suppose now I think the judges just enjoy having reasons to judge, and aren't really grounded in any sort of inherently 'true' cosmic morality.

Anyways, this is what caused me to be drawn to the Buddhist notion of 'no self' and start to understand myself more as a conduit for certain thoughts and ideas that could never actually belong to anyone, and will always be there, recurring to everyone... probably forever. And those thoughts are merely one facet of something much larger... something full of energy and movement and vibration and energy, that extends into greater and greater realms of existence. I can't even be sure that what I saw was the fullest extent of it-- likely not. I would imagine that it is even possible to get to the point where so much is revealed that the difference between what I saw and what is unseen is even greater than the difference between what I know most of the time and what I knew for those brief moments... I mean, why not? You can say things like that and understand the idea, but you can't actually communicate the experience because it is so far outside of human perception that trying to put it into language only changes it into something it's not... you can't make it palatable or tangible or articulable. The trick is to not stop at the idea of something, and keep chasing it deeper and deeper way past the point where most people would file it away as 'got the gist' or 'understood'. Because nothing is ever really understood, and you need humility to get past basic superficial appreciations of these things.

Haha that was a tangent.

Well, I guess it might not be just as simple as 'this abuse ruined my entire life' and I suppose my reactions as well as my refusal to confront the problem probably had a negative effect on memory as well. I was in an environment that encouraged people to be ashamed of their intelligence, to be ashamed of liking certain things, to hide anything that didn't 'fit'. And I was so desperate to have friends and be liked by anyone that I remade myself into something that ultimately led to the disappointments of my later life.

I simply stopped using my memory, stopped applying myself, stopped being interested, stopped caring, and stopped being myself. I buried myself in layers of whatever I thought would work. I think later on I could bring a little of my true self out, but I don't think I ever let my full self shine... I guess I always assumed I would get over it, but it became too easy to just coast through and not care... and I guess I was afraid.

I don't think I'll ever live up to my true potential, but I think I can accomplish some things... and I would definitely say that I know myself better than other people know themselves, because while I was hiding behind fronts and trying to project a certain image... I still understood that it was a front, and never completely threw myself into it-- I just used it as a way of relating to people in a way that I thought they wouldn't object to. I guess everyone does this, but some people start to actively believe that the front is who they are... so the front becomes stronger, but they become weaker.

Maybe some people simply have more agreeable personalities... but the thing is, agreeable tends to be so middle of the road that the idea of being that way is actually kind of horrifying.

 

[Odo]

I haven't had much that I've wanted to share here lately.

Not sure if I've mentioned it, but I've left my parents' house and am now living with my girlfriend... and she doesn't live in the same country. I thought I would be super nervous just picking everything up, getting on a plane and moving everything-- but really, it wasn't so bad. I was nervous for all of about 30 seconds when I saw her, and then the nervousness disappeared and hasn't returned... though now that I'm getting adjusted and feeling like people recognize me here, the anxiety is sort of returning. I hate familiarity with people in stores, because I feel like it makes them more likely to recognize me or start paying more attention to me... I'm okay with just making an appearance and never seeing that person again.

Anyways--I remember the thread where people said that having a relationship won't solve all of your problems, and I agree... but I do feel a LOT better now that I have one.

It's really hard to accept yourself when you know that your family doesn't. It's hard to accept yourself when you feel like an outcast, like you don't have the validation that comes from being in a relationship. It's hard to accept yourself when you're alone, when you don't have any of the things that make life worth living, and you hate yourself too much to get them.

I think the best part about living together/being in a relationship is that you actually have something to do. I mean, it isn't necessarily easy 100 percent of the time, but I don't miss living alone and I reallllllly don't miss living with my parents. Once you adjust to co-habitation, it's better... it's not perfect bliss, but it's better than being alone.

I guess I can admit that I haven't talked to my parents in over a month now. I suppose it's not the most polite thing in the world, but I've gotten into a frame of mind where I just don't want their input at all. I don't want to hear how things are back home, I don't want to deal with their ignorance about how life is supposed to be lived, or hear about any of my relatives, or my parents' friends, or my sister's life.

The one regret I have is not getting my own bank account. It's embarrassing, but at 36, my dad still has access to my bank account... he can see everything online. I agreed to it wayyyy back in 2004 when I left for Japan (apparently they think it's good to have someone back home with access 'just in case', but that's complete bullshit because I've never needed them to access anything and plus I can do everything online-- I guess it's all about the off-chance that my debit card gets swallowed by a machine and I need to order a new one from abroad or something-- I've had a debit card swallowed while travelling, and the Korean debit cards never worked while I was on vacation outside Korea). Anyways, since then I've never really given it much thought... I almost changed it when I was about to leave, but it just seemed like a hassle and my mom convinced me they wouldn't spy on me. BUT THEY DO... one of the first things they said to me was about my f--king credit card. I should have known that it was going to p--s me off, but of course at the time all I could think about was having to talk to the bank people.

It's weird... I didn't really think that I would feel so much anxiety about getting in touch with them, but I am seriously opposed to the idea right now and I can't even say why... the idea of talking to them again actually feels unpleasant. I think maybe it's this feeling of needing to put as much distance as I can between us to make up for the awfulness of living with them again for almost a whole year. I don't even want to send them a small note on Skype... I sometimes think I should, but I put it off until I realize that I really don't want to do it.

So I guess no deep thoughts today... I guess because things have actually happened.

 

[Odo]

Here are my two favorite songs to listen to while running:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh-D8XBtmX0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xml34IvhToo

 

[Odo]

It's kind of amazing how many people seem to be living their lives for those brief moments when they're no longer able to function at their best. I'm referring to the whole 'when I'm on my deathbed, I don't want to' mentality... this sort of fear of having regrets when you're old.

I'm not sure a past full of so-called achievements is going to stop the pain of dying, or make it any easier. I suppose there is a sense of needing to accomplish things and 'make your mark', but that mark is going to be erased within a generation anyways.

There's really no reason to treat life as anything but light, meaningless fun... it doesn't need to be heavy, depressing, hurried, or demanding. Society might be that way, but existence is light, transient, etc. The future doesn't matter.

I'm not sure if I'm becoming a hedonist-- probably not. Just letting go of this need to escape regret, and accepting that I will probably always have regrets. I guess what's good is that those regrets won't cloud my head to the point of being unable to enjoy things, or end up putting pressure on me to achieve or compete or experience things I'm not even sure I'll enjoy.

I guess my point is that happiness is all around us all the time, and if you're too focused on goals and such you'll probably just miss out.

 

[Odo]

I haven't worked for a full year now... and I haven't tried to find anything either. In some ways, it's getting to me... but in so many other ways, I am totally not giving a single ****.

I know the savings will run out eventually, but it's still not really inspiring me to look for work. I suppose I wouldn't mind working... I just don't want to look for a job. I think it's a combination of the search being too daunting, the thought of trying to impress people, and my general track record of never quite fitting in or being able to handle that awkward 'wtf am i doing?' stage. I think I'm just sick of going through that process, of having to fit in and do what's expected of me, of worrying about annoying people... and worst of all, trying to process, understand and remember all of the instructions I'm bound to receive.

I've never been good at following instructions... ever. Practical, worldly things are just not my strong suit. Usually when people tell me things that they expect me to do, I can listen for a bit, but I always inevitably lose track.. I think maybe because my mind wanders off or I start noticing their expression or feel compelled to make some sort of observation about something else. I think I'm just really spaced out... I've had this problem for a while, just not being able to follow directions or remember things very well. I seriously have trouble remembering why I went into a room a lot... because my mind is almost always somewhere else, and I get caught up in thinking about other things.

I'm not even sure there are too many ways in which I can actually apply my 'talents', which I think are far more abstract or intellectual, to situations that call for practical, grounded, concrete actions... and yet time after time my lack of qualifications continues to push me into these sorts of positions, where I just end up seeming incompetent or autistic or something. But on the other hand, I'm not completely sure that society has any use for someone like me as anything but a drone, while the true core of my being is ignored, pushed to the side, misunderstood, etc... or just drowned out in a sea of other people trying to do the same thing, with no one to listen and no one really caring.

Other than the fact that all living beings instinctively resist death, I'm really not sure why it's so important to continue to exist and dedicate time and energy to activities that go against every single fiber of your being and result primarily in your own degradation and the suppression of your soul. On the other hand, not working has made me lazy.

It seems there are some very loud voices online and elsewhere that sort of expect you to sacrifice your time, identity, etc. to the machine in order to keep things going, but to be honest, I don't think these people even have the ability to ask themselves why this is so important, why it's so important to not enjoy yourself, to resist yourself, suppress yourself, bury yourself in the demands and structures of society in exchange for food and shelter. Those people will always get their way because it's easier to go with the flow than resist it... and to be honest, while part of me does want to resist, I can also appreciate that I don't completely know what the best course of action is and I'm sure that in some ways, going with the flow is probably also important... or maybe there should be some sort of balance.

So the one thing I have in terms of 'work' at the moment is my script, which I am still working on and which I believe is growing more polished and more interesting.

It has evolved into this sort of Buddhist-inspired odyssey that also draws on a lot of the other ideas I had from before... the plot is the same, but the particulars draw on Buddhist mythology.

I'm really drawn to Buddhism at the moment-- I downloaded this encyclopedia of Buddhist terms with links and everything in it, and it's incredibly interesting. There's so much more to it than most people know-- I guess a lot of people know vaguely about its mystical content and maybe its philosophical content, but it also has a rich and exciting mythology as well, which I am currently more drawn to. It's all so colorful... and it doesn't shy away from brutality, but the general idea is that nothing is permanent, the lowest creatures will eventually become the highest, the key to moving beyond illusory existence is balance, etc.

Right now I feel like there are ideas in my head that I can't properly articulate because I'm not rested... or too distracted, or just not in the mood to talk about.

So I think I'll stop writing now.

 

[Odo]

My big news for right now is that on Friday night I ate one half of a very special cookie and it was absolutely brilliant.

I suppose turning 30 made me think I might never go back to cookies... I mean, one tiny little indulgence over an 11 year period was pretty much it-- from 24 to 36, nothing. I smoked for a while and then got falling-down drunk maybe 20 times over that entire period. I was also wayyy too depressed/lonely and living in a country where it's impossible to get/seriously illegal... but I always craved it, if only to escape from the general oppressiveness of such a conservative society. Alcohol is not a kind drug. Smoking is poison. But cookies are magic.

And now in the afterglow of Friday's psychic excursion, I am in a better place. I confess, I plan on doing it again. And possibly again. And then perhaps a few more times. Until I die, get bored or go insane.

I know what some people on here think about cookies and maybe this post will be deleted, but I haven't felt so great in a very long time... even after the cookie was no longer in effect.

I got a little (okay, more than a little) paranoid for a while because I did it so late and couldn't sleep, but I woke up feeling absolutely amazing and the cheerfulness continued over into yesterday and today as well.

My anxiety levels had been creeping upwards for a while but now they're low again. I'm not saying it's a proper medication and not endorsing it at all, but yeah-- it was fantastic and so so so so so much fun.

I think the best part of it all was just finally feeling like my critical facilities had been turned off and I could just lay back and enjoy things. I spent most of the time with my headphones on, quietly rocking out to this super psychedelic mix I made... and it wasn't just music, it was a lot of color and movement and rhythm.

That's what I love about cookies... everything is there and it's the same, but it's moreso. Everything is alive with its own energy, and that energy is brilliant, and every movement and gesture and glance isn't just what it is, it continues beyond and evolves with a grace that is organic and vivid and rich with color and texture, and it playfully travels around the mind's eye until it connects with thoughts and dreams and memories, whichever it resembles the most... and they fertilize each other and cause each other to grow stronger. I suppose the flip side is that this can happen to negative thoughts as well.

But it's like there's just so much energy and life that you don't even have time to think about it or make too many judgments-- you just let it happen and be a part of it and stare at it all with childlike wonder. I had practically forgotten what it was like... I guess that this was a lot stronger than the usual stuff, but so much the better. I actually feel on the verge of believing in God again.

I mean, I was getting there before this, but yeah... there is more going on than just what we see. We are not in the dark, nothing is just there. Some people would say I have been deceived by a distortion, but I'm way ahead of you-- there are no distortions, no truths, no permanent rules. It's all magic and joy and inspiration and love... that's the good stuff. And it's always there, in absolutely everything... along with all the fear and darkness and such.

So yes, when I used to eat cookies in the past, it was always about listening to music... because I knew how much better it made it. But in all of those 11 years I spent making money in Asia and slowly growing to despise myself physically, psychologically, emotionally, ethnically and culturally while also rejecting with extreme prejudice the idea that I was special or magical or spiritual in any way... I also amassed all of this amazing music that had yet to be heard in that fashion. And now I have heard some of it, and wowowowowowowowowowow.

I am a simple man, I confess.

The following day I sat down with a guitar and new songs just poured out of me. It was like this profound release that I haven't had in a realllly long time... and even if I end up hating the songs, it was good to feel like I could just play and release and not think it was stupid or annoying or that I should just stop kidding myself and do something grown up.

I feel like recently whenever I try to be creative I hold myself back by telling myself it sounds shitty, or it's not a good idea, or it's too silly or childish or whatever... I don't spend enough time just letting this stuff flow out of me, and I realize that some of the stuff I let go of is actually good if I look at it from another point of view... like maybe it's too simple, but then sometimes simple is good. Or it's all very depressing, but then it can actually have a ray of hope in it if I just change things around a little.

So yes, I am pretty happy at the moment... I am going to make this a weekly thing, if possible.

It's good to have rituals.

Here's the soundtrack, if you're interested:

http://www.mediafire.com/listen/zcx108sopj2b753/Kosmik_September_2014.m4a

Not sure if this is allowed on this forum or not, but it's a great mix. I added extra echo, reverb and some sound effects to make it extra psychedelic.

 

[BlueDays]

Good to read you are feeling a bit better atm.
Reading your post makes me want to go out and buy a cookie, Odo!


Although I have no idea how to go about it or even where I could go to buy a cookie. Or two, or three, or four. :thinking:

I have lived a disgustingly sheltered life.:blushing:

 

[Odo]

Good to read you are feeling a bit better atm.
Reading your post makes me want to go out and buy a cookie, Odo!

Although I have no idea how to go about it or even where I could go to buy a cookie. Or two, or three, or four. :thinking:

I have lived a disgustingly sheltered life.:blushing:

Thanks BlueDays-- I am feeling pretty great. I think it's having a relationship, but also not working and just sort of not caring about things.

I don't think it's good to do it all the time, but every now and then it can really help take the edge off, and best of all, to remind yourself that you're never too old to do incredibly immature things.

I don't know where to find it either, I just always seem to run into people who do. It's often just a matter of knowing someone who knows someone who knows someone.

:thumbup:

 

[MollyBeGood]

Happy Birthday!

I love cookies too!

I am coming to visit you guys you know-LoL

 

[Odo]

Happy Birthday!

I love cookies too!

I am coming to visit you guys you know-LoL

Thanks Molly!

For my b-day I went out with my GF and her mom to this viking settlement and I had cinnamon ice cream and ginger ale with real ginger! It was really nice.

Can't wait for you to visit... we're preparing the couch and stocking the freezer with your favorite ice cream.
:thumbup:

 

[Odo]

I guess it's pretty odd that I refuse to respond to the guy who I was working on a website for, even though the site is finished and has been sitting on my computer for the past 3 months... I just don't want to send it to him.

He's probably furious, but rather than just send it to him, I've done my best to just forget about it. It's actually pathological how I am so intent to piss this guy off and completely ruin the entire deal... and this after spending days and days doing it up, stressing about it, etc.

I probably could have finished it in a few days, but instead it took several weeks-- I think because I was afraid that after I finished it, I wouldn't have anything to do. And I think it was also so that my ****ing parents would see that I was doing something. Maybe it's some sort of self-sabotage. Well, that and the fact that I can't get into my e-mail account... the worst part being that I can actually see that I have 35 unread messages that I can't respond to, and have no idea what they say.

I haven't spoken to either of my parents for 3 months now. That's probably the longest I've gone not speaking to them in quite some time... maybe ever. When I was alone in Korea, they were the only ones I really talked to. Well, my mom was.

I still have a lot of anger for my dad and today I was thinking that I would make a deal with my mom that I would visit her again if he agrees to slit his own wrists. That's a pretty mean thing to think... but yeah, I have a lot of anger towards him that I don't think I've ever channelled into anything, and it hasn't come out.

I've been pretty down today and I can't exactly say why... I guess just the changing of the seasons, shorter days... and probably the fact that I still haven't got a clue what to do with myself and feel like a failure.

Some days, even the things that should make me happy don't do the trick.

 

[Odo]

Number of Unmarried Americans Now Over 50 Percent

The marriage rate is below 50% now. I'm sure a lot of people on this site will be happy to know that they're not in a minority. But maybe it's no consolation.

 

[Odo]

Facebook is the devil.

I got pulled back into it when a high school friend's father died and I felt the need to offer condolences. It was the only way to find him.

So then of course he has all of these other high school friends on his page, and they start looking me up and adding me as a friend.

And all of this is fine and good, but out of everyone who added me, only two people actually responded to my messages. This of course sent me into a spiral of self-doubt wherein I began to wonder if maybe it was my photos, or some unpleasant memories they had of me, or if they just wanted to spy on me without actually talking to me, or I guess they just wanted to add another friend to their profile. I guess the whole 'busy' thing is possible or maybe they just get so many messages it's impossible to sort through them all, but I can't help feeling like it's a personal slight.

But I probably shouldn't dedicate any more mental energy to that.