Odo
Banned
I suppose it's a lot easier to write an engaging story about the suppression of freedom as opposed to something where everyone and everything is shallow and meaningless. The stakes just aren't as high.
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- Thread starter Odo
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I suppose it's a lot easier to write an engaging story about the suppression of freedom as opposed to something where everyone and everything is shallow and meaningless. The stakes just aren't as high.
Opaline
1
Good point. I'm talking purely from an entertainment perspective of course - intellectually I have no idea which one might be "better." I just found Brave New World extremely boring while I loved 1984, but then I read the former in my second year of high school and 1984 when I was about 21, so I wonder if I reread Huxley I would enjoy it more. Probably, considering all the elements I would recognize in our own society.
Thinking about it, it's frankly terrifying how much Huxley was right according to that cartoon. He really, really was. There was more to the book than that, of course - reproductive rights, sex, class issues, etc. - and the reality is always more complicated, but STILL - a LOT of what he feared is a reality now in a potent way. Interesting that people always refer to Orwell now when they're discussing things like government surveillance of private lives, but people never bring up Huxley, probably because 1984 is much more well-known, but Brave New World could be more accurate in terms of having predicted the near future. Do you disagree at all?
I don't know, just my totally non-expert thoughts after just having woken up haha.
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Odo
Banned
People aren't smart enough for democracy:
People Aren't Smart Enough for Democracy to Flourish, Scientists Say | Why the Best Candidate Never Wins | Psychology
Maybe this has already been discussed in my journal? I can't remember.
I'm sure that it's especially appealing for socially retarded outsiders to dismiss the majority as inferiors. I've seen it on this forum, and elsewhere in life as well. But being different or weird or isolated from something that is admittedly less than it should be doesn't automatically make one superior to it.
Back in my more shameful days (early 20s-mid 20s), I used to use a similar narrative with women, society, other people, etc... pretty much anything I felt threatened by became something that was inferior to me, and the reason I wasn't finding love and acceptance or respect was because there was something inherently cruel or stupid about it... all to protect my own integrity. Of course, I beat myself up plenty as well... mostly because I couldn't control these forces I felt were inferior to me. I guess that's narcissism... but there was just so much self-denial involved that it was literally impossible for me to be myself, even when I was alone. I knew I was in there somewhere and I dreamed of the day when I could finally let it out, but it was too far inside and I guess I was too afraid.
I think that part of growing up is that I have finally made peace with all of the things that I used to fear, or at least stopped fearing them. This doesn't mean acquiescing or agreeing or even refusing to challenge them, just recognizing that they are what they are and you are who you are and there's more to it than you will ever know, but being a **** about it isn't going to get you anywhere so you might as well stop convincing yourself you've got it all figured out... and that even goes for what you think you know about yourself.
So anyways, then a study comes along and says that people are too stupid for democracy and I immediately go through a series of directions that I could carry this information.
It's interesting that one of my first reactions is the whole 'well, obviously if people knew more about the issues, then they would agree with me', which is pretty much stupid. Then I start to worry that maybe I might be one of the stupid ones, which is actually slightly less stupid because at the very least I'm open to the possibility which means I'm not shutting myself off to things simply because I refuse to consider them. But then of course, I feel superior to the people who don't do this... and here, I might actually think I've got a point. I'm not sure if this makes me a better candidate for democracy or not. Probably not.
I guess my point is that having doubts is usually more honest and more intelligent than being certain, but at the same time, it's the people without doubts who tend to get what they want, because stupidity is easier, simpler and more direct.
It's why clueless people get into debates on the internet and end up either insulting each other without providing any information at all, or end up improvising and researching as much as they can to retroactively fit the facts to their conclusion. But it doesn't matter how much info challenges their beliefs, they'll be back with more of the same.
If you apply this to voting, it's worse-- you can try to justify the decisions of the person you support, but you can't make the candidate retroactively fit the criteria you believed you were voting for if you didn't really know. If you vote for something without knowing what it is, you're going to get what you voted for and not what you thought you wanted. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that certain people are stubborn enough to pretend that what happened was necessary or somehow what they wanted.
People Aren't Smart Enough for Democracy to Flourish, Scientists Say | Why the Best Candidate Never Wins | Psychology
Maybe this has already been discussed in my journal? I can't remember.
I'm sure that it's especially appealing for socially retarded outsiders to dismiss the majority as inferiors. I've seen it on this forum, and elsewhere in life as well. But being different or weird or isolated from something that is admittedly less than it should be doesn't automatically make one superior to it.
Back in my more shameful days (early 20s-mid 20s), I used to use a similar narrative with women, society, other people, etc... pretty much anything I felt threatened by became something that was inferior to me, and the reason I wasn't finding love and acceptance or respect was because there was something inherently cruel or stupid about it... all to protect my own integrity. Of course, I beat myself up plenty as well... mostly because I couldn't control these forces I felt were inferior to me. I guess that's narcissism... but there was just so much self-denial involved that it was literally impossible for me to be myself, even when I was alone. I knew I was in there somewhere and I dreamed of the day when I could finally let it out, but it was too far inside and I guess I was too afraid.
I think that part of growing up is that I have finally made peace with all of the things that I used to fear, or at least stopped fearing them. This doesn't mean acquiescing or agreeing or even refusing to challenge them, just recognizing that they are what they are and you are who you are and there's more to it than you will ever know, but being a **** about it isn't going to get you anywhere so you might as well stop convincing yourself you've got it all figured out... and that even goes for what you think you know about yourself.
So anyways, then a study comes along and says that people are too stupid for democracy and I immediately go through a series of directions that I could carry this information.
It's interesting that one of my first reactions is the whole 'well, obviously if people knew more about the issues, then they would agree with me', which is pretty much stupid. Then I start to worry that maybe I might be one of the stupid ones, which is actually slightly less stupid because at the very least I'm open to the possibility which means I'm not shutting myself off to things simply because I refuse to consider them. But then of course, I feel superior to the people who don't do this... and here, I might actually think I've got a point. I'm not sure if this makes me a better candidate for democracy or not. Probably not.
I guess my point is that having doubts is usually more honest and more intelligent than being certain, but at the same time, it's the people without doubts who tend to get what they want, because stupidity is easier, simpler and more direct.
It's why clueless people get into debates on the internet and end up either insulting each other without providing any information at all, or end up improvising and researching as much as they can to retroactively fit the facts to their conclusion. But it doesn't matter how much info challenges their beliefs, they'll be back with more of the same.
If you apply this to voting, it's worse-- you can try to justify the decisions of the person you support, but you can't make the candidate retroactively fit the criteria you believed you were voting for if you didn't really know. If you vote for something without knowing what it is, you're going to get what you voted for and not what you thought you wanted. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that certain people are stubborn enough to pretend that what happened was necessary or somehow what they wanted.
Odo
Banned
I think 1984 is more frequently referenced because it's about Stalinism and taps into the still-resonant cold war paranoia. Widespread surveillance is more Orwell, but its existence doesn't mean that it's going to serve the same purpose. Google tracks your internet searches to influence the kind of advertising you see... that's not exactly the same thing as a boot stamping on a human face forever.
I'm not saying that surveillance is a good thing, just that it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to result in totalitarianism.
So yes, I think Huxley was definitely more accurate than Orwell. The USSR collapsed precisely because it tried to control everyone... it's a much better strategy to get people to control themselves.
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Odo
Banned
I was thinking the other day why people don't build houses that are just basements, since they would be warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer. I always liked the basement in my parents' house while I was growing up for this reason. Well, also because our rooms were all grouped together at one end of the house on the top floor and I didn't like that.
Anyways, it turns out that these actually exist.
Apparently they were popular during the depression. They were basically houses that were being built when the owners ran out of money and rather than building the rest of the house they just threw a roof on top and decided they were going to complete the rest of the house later.
I have to admit, it looks ugly as hell... but that's probably because it was supposed to be a real house. But if you built a walk-in basement into a hill, you might be able to get away with something a little nicer.
Anyways, it turns out that these actually exist.
Apparently they were popular during the depression. They were basically houses that were being built when the owners ran out of money and rather than building the rest of the house they just threw a roof on top and decided they were going to complete the rest of the house later.
I have to admit, it looks ugly as hell... but that's probably because it was supposed to be a real house. But if you built a walk-in basement into a hill, you might be able to get away with something a little nicer.
Odo
Banned
I've been devouring Adam Curtis documentaries over the past week or so, and they're really good at drawing out the inevitable paranoia associated with widespread social engineering. You're always left with the impression that you have been totally dehumanized by wickedly intelligent world leaders who regard you and the rest of the masses as both a potential threat and a sort of personal project. It's like everyone who isn't part of the elite is someone whose whims are shaped by someone with a sincere desire to either celebrate, augment, suppress or manipulate humanity, depending on which strategy is currently favored, and which best suits the current understanding of human nature.
There's always a sort of bleak futility to it all that isn't conclusive enough not to leave room for a little bit of hope.
Of course, it's simply a narrative and in many ways it's far too broad a narrative to ever fully encapsulate the complexities of the human race, but I suppose in many ways that is part of their appeal.
I'm currently halfway through 'The Century Of Self', which explores the role of psychoanalysis on advertising, ideology and propaganda... and taken with some of the perspectives offered in 'The Age Of Machines' and 'The Trap', you really get a sense that Curtis believes that ultimately, western liberal democracies are a perfect example of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Apparently, psychoanalysts thought that post-war PTSD was actually an expression of childhood traumas and that the epidemic of psychological issues uncovered in the wake of WWII was evidence that human nature was ultimately dangerous and needed to be suppressed, all behaviors controlled and locked behind the 1950s facade of smiling, perfect nuclear families who were told how to behave by the media and an epidemic of instructional videos. I'm assuming that as the documentary continues, the 60s will be depicted as the end of that.
What is really alarming is that there were experiments on mental patients in the early 1960s where they were given LSD, psychiatric drugs and hundreds of rounds of shock treatment in order to destroy their memories and replace their 'undesirable' personalities with more socially acceptable ones. Even scarier, it apparently worked... it really IS possible to completely wipe out someone's personality and replace it with something based on a tape loop of socially acceptable catchphrases. So by the late 50s, psychiatrists had already figured out how to completely destroy the human mind.
WHICH OF COURSE GOT ME THINKING.
The internet seems an ideal delivery vehicle for psychological manipulation. The amount of information available is intimidating and cannot possibly be digested, so it makes sense that people will be overwhelmed and eventually subsumed.
Earlier this evening I was stricken by this sudden realization that everything that is recorded in this blog could at some point in the future be processed by an unknown technology and used to devise a perfect manipulation. So far, I could be anonymous simply because the technology isn't there yet, but the fact is that technology improves exponentially and while the processing power of the fastest supercomputers in the world is currently unknown, it doesn't seem so unlikely that everything I write here could be recorded in the blink of an eye, to the point where even deleting it won't make a difference. And that recording could be used by some future technology that is so powerful that every tactic I could possibly use to resist it would be matched in seconds, due to it having observed these words.
There is no inflated sense of my own importance involved in this idea, as I would be so completely insignificant to this computer god that understanding and overcoming my defenses, and psychologically breaking me down to the point where I would be willing to accept anything it wanted me to accept would require only the barest amount of effort. Everyone who has ever been connected to the Internet, or who has ever been observed in any capacity by any camera or satellite or psychological test could potentially be absolutely helpless before this machine. Reality itself could be distorted by the machine's controllers-- mass hallucinations could become the norm. Implanting a shared delusion in the heads of the world's population would be a matter of pressing a button. It could pacify people through and environmental catastrophe, force everyone to forget the suffering they witness on a daily basis, ignore all of the death and misery and suffering... people could black out and fight wars in a catatonic state. It would all seem benign to us because we would have no sense of what is benign. It would seem logical or rational to us because we would have no sense of what is logical or rational. It would be exciting and wonderful to us because we would have no sense of what was exciting or wonderful. It would be such an inconceivably complex manipulation that no one could ever detect or resist it.
I have to admit, my PC is an integral part of my life... and these texted messages have become like this strange, silent, secret part of my identity that I never quite remember... there are definitely parts of me that words cannot express and the ideas FEEL different before they come out, but I know that I am fallible and in many ways I do feel that I have a soul that is in real danger of becoming very lost in a future that no one could ever possibly understand, but that everyone accepts simply because they cannot escape. The machine already has the means to know me even more than I know myself. That is, unless everything I write here is part of some defense mechanism intuitively engineered by my subconscious. It could be some spiritual part of me that realizes the potential of this future machine and according to some unknown dimension of my own intellect has primed my defenses by concocting this journal as an elaborate ruse.
I remember reading a quote by a science fiction author that said something along the lines of 'the only time that horrifying weapons become obsolete is when even more horrifying weapons take their place'.
It really isn't so inconceivable that the people who have taken it upon themselves to control the masses would be able to justify using inconceivably complex forms of mind control... they would justify it to themselves in the same way they justify all of the other suffering they cause. But at the same time, human beings have never actually been tested against such a machine... and there could also be dimensions of ourselves that are even more difficult to imagine than some inconceivably complex computer. The real question is whether or not the computer could know them better than we can, or whether that would matter or not.
There's always a sort of bleak futility to it all that isn't conclusive enough not to leave room for a little bit of hope.
Of course, it's simply a narrative and in many ways it's far too broad a narrative to ever fully encapsulate the complexities of the human race, but I suppose in many ways that is part of their appeal.
I'm currently halfway through 'The Century Of Self', which explores the role of psychoanalysis on advertising, ideology and propaganda... and taken with some of the perspectives offered in 'The Age Of Machines' and 'The Trap', you really get a sense that Curtis believes that ultimately, western liberal democracies are a perfect example of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Apparently, psychoanalysts thought that post-war PTSD was actually an expression of childhood traumas and that the epidemic of psychological issues uncovered in the wake of WWII was evidence that human nature was ultimately dangerous and needed to be suppressed, all behaviors controlled and locked behind the 1950s facade of smiling, perfect nuclear families who were told how to behave by the media and an epidemic of instructional videos. I'm assuming that as the documentary continues, the 60s will be depicted as the end of that.
What is really alarming is that there were experiments on mental patients in the early 1960s where they were given LSD, psychiatric drugs and hundreds of rounds of shock treatment in order to destroy their memories and replace their 'undesirable' personalities with more socially acceptable ones. Even scarier, it apparently worked... it really IS possible to completely wipe out someone's personality and replace it with something based on a tape loop of socially acceptable catchphrases. So by the late 50s, psychiatrists had already figured out how to completely destroy the human mind.
WHICH OF COURSE GOT ME THINKING.
The internet seems an ideal delivery vehicle for psychological manipulation. The amount of information available is intimidating and cannot possibly be digested, so it makes sense that people will be overwhelmed and eventually subsumed.
Earlier this evening I was stricken by this sudden realization that everything that is recorded in this blog could at some point in the future be processed by an unknown technology and used to devise a perfect manipulation. So far, I could be anonymous simply because the technology isn't there yet, but the fact is that technology improves exponentially and while the processing power of the fastest supercomputers in the world is currently unknown, it doesn't seem so unlikely that everything I write here could be recorded in the blink of an eye, to the point where even deleting it won't make a difference. And that recording could be used by some future technology that is so powerful that every tactic I could possibly use to resist it would be matched in seconds, due to it having observed these words.
There is no inflated sense of my own importance involved in this idea, as I would be so completely insignificant to this computer god that understanding and overcoming my defenses, and psychologically breaking me down to the point where I would be willing to accept anything it wanted me to accept would require only the barest amount of effort. Everyone who has ever been connected to the Internet, or who has ever been observed in any capacity by any camera or satellite or psychological test could potentially be absolutely helpless before this machine. Reality itself could be distorted by the machine's controllers-- mass hallucinations could become the norm. Implanting a shared delusion in the heads of the world's population would be a matter of pressing a button. It could pacify people through and environmental catastrophe, force everyone to forget the suffering they witness on a daily basis, ignore all of the death and misery and suffering... people could black out and fight wars in a catatonic state. It would all seem benign to us because we would have no sense of what is benign. It would seem logical or rational to us because we would have no sense of what is logical or rational. It would be exciting and wonderful to us because we would have no sense of what was exciting or wonderful. It would be such an inconceivably complex manipulation that no one could ever detect or resist it.
I have to admit, my PC is an integral part of my life... and these texted messages have become like this strange, silent, secret part of my identity that I never quite remember... there are definitely parts of me that words cannot express and the ideas FEEL different before they come out, but I know that I am fallible and in many ways I do feel that I have a soul that is in real danger of becoming very lost in a future that no one could ever possibly understand, but that everyone accepts simply because they cannot escape. The machine already has the means to know me even more than I know myself. That is, unless everything I write here is part of some defense mechanism intuitively engineered by my subconscious. It could be some spiritual part of me that realizes the potential of this future machine and according to some unknown dimension of my own intellect has primed my defenses by concocting this journal as an elaborate ruse.
I remember reading a quote by a science fiction author that said something along the lines of 'the only time that horrifying weapons become obsolete is when even more horrifying weapons take their place'.
It really isn't so inconceivable that the people who have taken it upon themselves to control the masses would be able to justify using inconceivably complex forms of mind control... they would justify it to themselves in the same way they justify all of the other suffering they cause. But at the same time, human beings have never actually been tested against such a machine... and there could also be dimensions of ourselves that are even more difficult to imagine than some inconceivably complex computer. The real question is whether or not the computer could know them better than we can, or whether that would matter or not.
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Odo
Banned
I am going to be doing a CELTA course in Spain in less than 2 weeks, and I'm feeling pretty terrified.
I guess that when I signed up for it, I was only really thinking of the end goal of teaching somewhere where I could make money, but also that I was finally committing to the whole ESL teaching thing. But I wasn't really picturing all of the horrible nightmarish things that could happen to me while I was doing the course until recently.
Here is a course where I will be expected to stand in front of people knowing I'm being studied and evaluated, followed by a long session where everything I did in the lesson will be critiqued by people that I may or may not end up clicking with. I'm honestly not even sure how I'm going to be able to hold up... but I do think it will probably get easier. So in a way, I'm actually looking forward to the point where everyone knows each other and we can all sort of relax a bit... but I'm also worried that we'll never get to that point as a group.
I think it will be okay if it's a nice group, but more than anything I'm afraid of ending up in a group of judgmental young people and being 'that guy'. I worry that it will be a group that bonds really easily while I'm left out.
I'm worried that it will be a group of catty young women who think they're hot and all guys want them, or Europeans who resent native speakers because we can get ESL jobs just by being born in the right country, or young people who are just doing this for 'fun', have big plans for their futures, and think anyone who has done it as long as I have is a serious loser.
I'm also afraid that I've actually been a shitty teacher for a very long time but have never been called out on it, either because the bar was set too low, nobody actually cared enough to say anything about it, or I had so much help behind the scenes that I got the impression I was capable of much more than I'm truly capable of.
To some degree I'm worried that the instructors will be horrible as well, but I've read online that they're actually okay and on the webpage they look like they're either my age, in their 40s or even older, and they all look kind as well... which is a HUGE relief. I know this is going to sound horrible and it's a generalization to be sure, but I think if I were taking this course in Thailand with some dodgy lifelong ESL teachers who made their way to where they are by being the only 'real' teachers amongst the riff raff, backpackers, freaks and criminals. Those people end up getting hostile and suspicious.
I know that the school has international standards but I've been reading nightmarish stories online about trainers who sound like total ****s. I guess you can read a lot of things online, though.
I suppose I'm also afraid of my SA going through the roof and having a total nervous breakdown during a lesson. One of the pluses of using powerpoint (and I have been told I will be able to) is that you don't need to remember every single step of the lesson and the Powerpoint IS your plan. So you can basically just do everything in advance and then click your way through the lesson, with the students paying attention to the screen more than you. After the presentation ends and they're doing their task, you can do things one on one. At the end of the lesson, you basically just talk to them, have a discussion, and then review.
So yeah... I guess it's just a large bundle of worries.
I guess that when I signed up for it, I was only really thinking of the end goal of teaching somewhere where I could make money, but also that I was finally committing to the whole ESL teaching thing. But I wasn't really picturing all of the horrible nightmarish things that could happen to me while I was doing the course until recently.
Here is a course where I will be expected to stand in front of people knowing I'm being studied and evaluated, followed by a long session where everything I did in the lesson will be critiqued by people that I may or may not end up clicking with. I'm honestly not even sure how I'm going to be able to hold up... but I do think it will probably get easier. So in a way, I'm actually looking forward to the point where everyone knows each other and we can all sort of relax a bit... but I'm also worried that we'll never get to that point as a group.
I think it will be okay if it's a nice group, but more than anything I'm afraid of ending up in a group of judgmental young people and being 'that guy'. I worry that it will be a group that bonds really easily while I'm left out.
I'm worried that it will be a group of catty young women who think they're hot and all guys want them, or Europeans who resent native speakers because we can get ESL jobs just by being born in the right country, or young people who are just doing this for 'fun', have big plans for their futures, and think anyone who has done it as long as I have is a serious loser.
I'm also afraid that I've actually been a shitty teacher for a very long time but have never been called out on it, either because the bar was set too low, nobody actually cared enough to say anything about it, or I had so much help behind the scenes that I got the impression I was capable of much more than I'm truly capable of.
To some degree I'm worried that the instructors will be horrible as well, but I've read online that they're actually okay and on the webpage they look like they're either my age, in their 40s or even older, and they all look kind as well... which is a HUGE relief. I know this is going to sound horrible and it's a generalization to be sure, but I think if I were taking this course in Thailand with some dodgy lifelong ESL teachers who made their way to where they are by being the only 'real' teachers amongst the riff raff, backpackers, freaks and criminals. Those people end up getting hostile and suspicious.
I know that the school has international standards but I've been reading nightmarish stories online about trainers who sound like total ****s. I guess you can read a lot of things online, though.
I suppose I'm also afraid of my SA going through the roof and having a total nervous breakdown during a lesson. One of the pluses of using powerpoint (and I have been told I will be able to) is that you don't need to remember every single step of the lesson and the Powerpoint IS your plan. So you can basically just do everything in advance and then click your way through the lesson, with the students paying attention to the screen more than you. After the presentation ends and they're doing their task, you can do things one on one. At the end of the lesson, you basically just talk to them, have a discussion, and then review.
So yeah... I guess it's just a large bundle of worries.
Odo
Banned
Doing this course is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Well, I knew it would be hard and everything, but what I hadn't been thinking about is the fact that Spain is so hot, the fact that I know absolutely nothing about the culture, maybe know a few random words of the language and oh yeah, the fact that that makes it a lot harder to teach the students. For some reason, the whole cultural adjustment period hadn't been something at the forefront of my mind... though I will say that I'm immediately feeling much better about Spain than I did about New Zealand. Spanish culture has this warmth to it that NZ didn't... which is weird, because I was expecting NZ to be full of Peter Jacksons taking it easy, but instead found this eerie windy empty place with weird rules and too many people who were almost as uptight as people from London.
I've told myself that I'm going to push through this shit and kind of hold my breath until the end of July, but I have been visibly anxious in class and it's getting to me. I guess my anxiety isn't as bad as other people's because I've still managed to make small talk and be sociable to some extent, but I keep hiding my hands and am awkward about standing up in front of people who are seated.
And the heat is absolutely killing my appetite. I seriously feel like I've lost about 10 lbs in the past week from a combination of being unable to eat as much as I used to, walking around Barcelona and the town I'm in, and I guess the long run I did Thursday night, which was supposed to help my anxiety for yesterday but did nothing when it came time to do my bit.
I keep telling myself that it will get easier, or that my nerves will settle, or that it doesn't matter if I humiliate myself because after the end of July I won't see any of these people ever again. Maybe the last one will work.
Oh, and I talked to my mom today and after at least a decade of my being a nervous wreck she gave me the news that a lot of people in my family are on anti-anxiety medication. Why she didn't say anything about it to me before is a mystery that belongs with all of the other mysteries between myself and my parents. It's especially odd because I swear to god they've shared everything with my sister but not me.
Oh yeah, and I managed to see both Copenhagen and Barcelona over the past week and a few days. Haha... some people would probably make that a huge exciting plus and downplay the negatives, but this is a social anxiety site so you get to read whining instead.
Well, I knew it would be hard and everything, but what I hadn't been thinking about is the fact that Spain is so hot, the fact that I know absolutely nothing about the culture, maybe know a few random words of the language and oh yeah, the fact that that makes it a lot harder to teach the students. For some reason, the whole cultural adjustment period hadn't been something at the forefront of my mind... though I will say that I'm immediately feeling much better about Spain than I did about New Zealand. Spanish culture has this warmth to it that NZ didn't... which is weird, because I was expecting NZ to be full of Peter Jacksons taking it easy, but instead found this eerie windy empty place with weird rules and too many people who were almost as uptight as people from London.
I've told myself that I'm going to push through this shit and kind of hold my breath until the end of July, but I have been visibly anxious in class and it's getting to me. I guess my anxiety isn't as bad as other people's because I've still managed to make small talk and be sociable to some extent, but I keep hiding my hands and am awkward about standing up in front of people who are seated.
And the heat is absolutely killing my appetite. I seriously feel like I've lost about 10 lbs in the past week from a combination of being unable to eat as much as I used to, walking around Barcelona and the town I'm in, and I guess the long run I did Thursday night, which was supposed to help my anxiety for yesterday but did nothing when it came time to do my bit.
I keep telling myself that it will get easier, or that my nerves will settle, or that it doesn't matter if I humiliate myself because after the end of July I won't see any of these people ever again. Maybe the last one will work.
Oh, and I talked to my mom today and after at least a decade of my being a nervous wreck she gave me the news that a lot of people in my family are on anti-anxiety medication. Why she didn't say anything about it to me before is a mystery that belongs with all of the other mysteries between myself and my parents. It's especially odd because I swear to god they've shared everything with my sister but not me.
Oh yeah, and I managed to see both Copenhagen and Barcelona over the past week and a few days. Haha... some people would probably make that a huge exciting plus and downplay the negatives, but this is a social anxiety site so you get to read whining instead.
Odo
Banned
To get through this course, I'm taking Ashwaghanda,5-HTP and capsules with valerian root. I go for the organics because my health insurance doesn't cover psychiatric meds or care... but I'm seriously starting to think that I really need it.
I will say that valerian root is pretty strong stuff. It makes me dozy, I feel sometimes like my head is in a fog, and more than once I've caught myself seriously spacing out... but I can't stop because I feel like I need to rest my brain or something. I definitely can't think very quickly. I guess that's why they call it 'nature's valium'. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure it's working... it seems like a lot of my issues are more psychological than biochemical so I end up being afraid of doing certain things and still have ****ed up tremors and such when I feel like maybe it's going to happen.
On Thursday, we were doing this exercise where we had to come up to the board and write in front of people and everyone did it... but when it came time for me to do it, I asked the teacher if someone else could do it instead. I was absolutely terrified. It's really odd because in front of the students I'm fine, but yeah... saying that seemed to change the general vibe in the room. I guess that could have been my imagination and the teacher was okay with it, but yeah... I didn't feel good about it and it seemed to sort of put more attention on me than going up to the board might have.
Then I was super stressed about an upcoming lesson and trying to get things ready and on about 3 hours of sleep... and when I was in the teacher's room, someone on the more advanced course came up to me and another teacher and asked how we felt about the course. The smart classmate said she liked it, but I had to come out and say I hated it... even though I mostly just meant it was stressing me out.
Then he asked why and I said I just wanted a job and not to have to get a certificate, and he blew up at me... going on the offensive saying that all jobs need certificates and just trying to have a conversation I didn't ask for and couldn't handle at the moment anyways. It was honestly like a charged online forum debate where people are used to being really blunt and rude with each other, trying to demolish each other personally based on things they say. Another girl that was there joined in too... and the classmate who was there seemed to be put off by me saying that as well.
The guy was visibly incensed, and then he asked me what I did before this, and I told him I was a teacher in South Korea... and I guess that kind of filled him in but I couldn't handle the stress of being there anymore and needed to eat lunch, so I grabbed my stuff and left. I shouldn't have said I hated the course, because I actually don't hate it so much as I hate the stress that it is causing me, I know that I could do the job well without it, and I'm mostly just getting it because it's internationally recognized and will open doors. I think I managed to get out something about the stress but I don't know if they heard me.
I suppose a normal person would just explain what they meant in the moment, and maybe I could have done that if I wasn't stressed or didn't feel ganged up on, but I honestly couldn't handle the confrontation, especially since I'm having a hard enough time just being there in the first place. I was sick and exhausted and I couldn't think straight... I think maybe because of the valerian root pills I've been taking, which really do make my head feel cloudy.
Now every time I walk through the halls I worry about seeing one of those two. They're doing a different course, at least... but yeah... it's like more weight on the pile of stress I'm already experiencing. I don't want them to talk to me again, because even if they do get why I said that after I told them about working in Korea, I don't want to have to face other misunderstandings in the future.
So then yesterday I went out for drinks with my classmates after class and our teacher saw us and decided to join us.
Someone asked him about his wife, and he said it was a bit of a sore spot, so of course being an immensely stupid idiot I said 'why is it a sore spot?'. Of course, this didn't go over well... and I felt like an absolute idiot. I have no idea why I said it... I honestly didn't care and it was more like a misguided attempt to make conversation that I didn't think through. He did end up telling us all, however... but yeah, I felt pretty bad after that. I didn't press him or anything and it's not like I was digging for dirt or anything. But yeah, after he told us it was kind of awkward.
Then everyone talks about living in Spain and their travel plans for Spain and the city and such... and me, having pretty much already done all the traveling I'm going to do here because I'm leaving on the day after the course ends (the rest of the time will be spent working) was basically just sitting there while people talked about things I would never see or do and I sort of drifted into my own world for about half an hour and the quieter I got, the more awkward I felt about speaking up.
At one point I looked over, and there at another table was the ******* who confronted me about 'hating' the course, which added to the social pressure. I need new glasses but can't afford them, so I can't be sure that he was looking at me, but I think so... and when he did, I didn't smile or say anything, just sort of stared. I wondered if he was spreading shit about me to the other people at his table.
Finally, someone at our table turned to me and said 'you're being quiet' and one other person said 'he's relaxing'... and I should have just agreed with that, but nope, I had to come out and explain that I didn't really know very much about Spain (which wasn't really what I meant, so much as I couldn't really relate to what the other people were saying), which I think they didn't like. I guess that normal people in that situation would ask questions or try to join the conversation in some way, but I couldn't think of anything to say and didn't know what to do.
So telling them that just made things weirder and finally I said I was going to go to sleep and picked up my stuff and left. The others just seemed dazed or something, like I was being a **** about it or something... but that was not my intention, though I really did feel a need to escape.
And now I get to think about it all weekend long.
I honestly wanted to drop out on Wednesday night and Thursday as well, because I didn't just feel tired... I felt like I was going to have a complete breakdown.
I spent most of the day in bed today... even though I have things to do. But it's so ****ing hot here... I think it went up to 37C today. I mostly just laid in bed wishing I had A/C, and wondering if I can make it through the course without losing my mind completely.
I will say that valerian root is pretty strong stuff. It makes me dozy, I feel sometimes like my head is in a fog, and more than once I've caught myself seriously spacing out... but I can't stop because I feel like I need to rest my brain or something. I definitely can't think very quickly. I guess that's why they call it 'nature's valium'. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure it's working... it seems like a lot of my issues are more psychological than biochemical so I end up being afraid of doing certain things and still have ****ed up tremors and such when I feel like maybe it's going to happen.
On Thursday, we were doing this exercise where we had to come up to the board and write in front of people and everyone did it... but when it came time for me to do it, I asked the teacher if someone else could do it instead. I was absolutely terrified. It's really odd because in front of the students I'm fine, but yeah... saying that seemed to change the general vibe in the room. I guess that could have been my imagination and the teacher was okay with it, but yeah... I didn't feel good about it and it seemed to sort of put more attention on me than going up to the board might have.
Then I was super stressed about an upcoming lesson and trying to get things ready and on about 3 hours of sleep... and when I was in the teacher's room, someone on the more advanced course came up to me and another teacher and asked how we felt about the course. The smart classmate said she liked it, but I had to come out and say I hated it... even though I mostly just meant it was stressing me out.
Then he asked why and I said I just wanted a job and not to have to get a certificate, and he blew up at me... going on the offensive saying that all jobs need certificates and just trying to have a conversation I didn't ask for and couldn't handle at the moment anyways. It was honestly like a charged online forum debate where people are used to being really blunt and rude with each other, trying to demolish each other personally based on things they say. Another girl that was there joined in too... and the classmate who was there seemed to be put off by me saying that as well.
The guy was visibly incensed, and then he asked me what I did before this, and I told him I was a teacher in South Korea... and I guess that kind of filled him in but I couldn't handle the stress of being there anymore and needed to eat lunch, so I grabbed my stuff and left. I shouldn't have said I hated the course, because I actually don't hate it so much as I hate the stress that it is causing me, I know that I could do the job well without it, and I'm mostly just getting it because it's internationally recognized and will open doors. I think I managed to get out something about the stress but I don't know if they heard me.
I suppose a normal person would just explain what they meant in the moment, and maybe I could have done that if I wasn't stressed or didn't feel ganged up on, but I honestly couldn't handle the confrontation, especially since I'm having a hard enough time just being there in the first place. I was sick and exhausted and I couldn't think straight... I think maybe because of the valerian root pills I've been taking, which really do make my head feel cloudy.
Now every time I walk through the halls I worry about seeing one of those two. They're doing a different course, at least... but yeah... it's like more weight on the pile of stress I'm already experiencing. I don't want them to talk to me again, because even if they do get why I said that after I told them about working in Korea, I don't want to have to face other misunderstandings in the future.
So then yesterday I went out for drinks with my classmates after class and our teacher saw us and decided to join us.
Someone asked him about his wife, and he said it was a bit of a sore spot, so of course being an immensely stupid idiot I said 'why is it a sore spot?'. Of course, this didn't go over well... and I felt like an absolute idiot. I have no idea why I said it... I honestly didn't care and it was more like a misguided attempt to make conversation that I didn't think through. He did end up telling us all, however... but yeah, I felt pretty bad after that. I didn't press him or anything and it's not like I was digging for dirt or anything. But yeah, after he told us it was kind of awkward.
Then everyone talks about living in Spain and their travel plans for Spain and the city and such... and me, having pretty much already done all the traveling I'm going to do here because I'm leaving on the day after the course ends (the rest of the time will be spent working) was basically just sitting there while people talked about things I would never see or do and I sort of drifted into my own world for about half an hour and the quieter I got, the more awkward I felt about speaking up.
At one point I looked over, and there at another table was the ******* who confronted me about 'hating' the course, which added to the social pressure. I need new glasses but can't afford them, so I can't be sure that he was looking at me, but I think so... and when he did, I didn't smile or say anything, just sort of stared. I wondered if he was spreading shit about me to the other people at his table.
Finally, someone at our table turned to me and said 'you're being quiet' and one other person said 'he's relaxing'... and I should have just agreed with that, but nope, I had to come out and explain that I didn't really know very much about Spain (which wasn't really what I meant, so much as I couldn't really relate to what the other people were saying), which I think they didn't like. I guess that normal people in that situation would ask questions or try to join the conversation in some way, but I couldn't think of anything to say and didn't know what to do.
So telling them that just made things weirder and finally I said I was going to go to sleep and picked up my stuff and left. The others just seemed dazed or something, like I was being a **** about it or something... but that was not my intention, though I really did feel a need to escape.
And now I get to think about it all weekend long.
I honestly wanted to drop out on Wednesday night and Thursday as well, because I didn't just feel tired... I felt like I was going to have a complete breakdown.
I spent most of the day in bed today... even though I have things to do. But it's so ****ing hot here... I think it went up to 37C today. I mostly just laid in bed wishing I had A/C, and wondering if I can make it through the course without losing my mind completely.
Odo
Banned
I ****ing hate this course. I know that's the kind of attitude that could hurt me in the long run, but I seriously feel like killing myself. Part of it is being evaluated all the time, feeling unworthy, being criticized, scrutinized, stuff like that.
I think that if it were any longer than 2.5 more weeks, I wouldn't be able to take it. I honestly feel like the only reason I'm alive or believe I have any value whatsoever is because I can't see how I really am, and am really starting to feel absolutely worthless.
Part of it is lack of sleep for sure, part of it is not eating properly, part of it is the stress, part of it is culture shock (I guess), part of it is anxiety, and then there's also the endless amounts of information and shit that you're being bombarded with.
I don't know why anyone would do this to themselves... I seriously just want to go home so I can feel that sense of relief.
I think that if it were any longer than 2.5 more weeks, I wouldn't be able to take it. I honestly feel like the only reason I'm alive or believe I have any value whatsoever is because I can't see how I really am, and am really starting to feel absolutely worthless.
Part of it is lack of sleep for sure, part of it is not eating properly, part of it is the stress, part of it is culture shock (I guess), part of it is anxiety, and then there's also the endless amounts of information and shit that you're being bombarded with.
I don't know why anyone would do this to themselves... I seriously just want to go home so I can feel that sense of relief.
Odo
Banned
Thanks Opaline.
I'm just glad it's the weekend. I will probably have to resubmit the assignment I'm handing in today next week, but I'm trying not to think about it. I fell asleep on my bed with my computer on my chest while I was doing it last night, and woke up in my clothes... so I've spent the morning bullshitting my way to the end of it. They're probably going to be able to see right through it, but at least I won't have to worry about it immediately.
I guess I just wasn't psychologically prepared for so many massive changes in life before I threw myself into this situation... normal people are feeling exhausted and stressed by it and while my anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be, I am getting comments in 'discussion' about why I'm still nervous, because everyone else has mostly gotten over it.
When 6 other people are taking notes on every minute detail of your behavior and then reporting back to you it can mess with your head... but then, people weren't meant to be taking this course for extended periods of time. I seriously think it resembles brainwashing in the way they completely break down your psychic integrity and then try to rebuild you with their own system... I know that the Chinese forced POWs in the Korean war to criticize each other endlessly as a form of torture.
Maybe some people can take it and it's always good to get positive feedback, but yeah... I mostly just want to get the hell out of here, preferably with the certificate in my hand. The only goals I have right now are keeping my sanity and not giving up... but it's quite possible that I'll have to let go of one or the other by next week.
Normally I guess I would be running more, but all of this shit has made it impossible for me to do anything else.
Odo
Banned
I handed my assignment in late (at the end of the day instead of the beginning, another teacher actually had to email it to my teacher), which technically means I could fail it. I don't think I will... but it's possible. It's also almost twice the word limit they gave us... but there's absolutely no way I could have produced anything resembling a decent result with that amount of words.
I should have done more on it on Tuesday after my first lesson of the week, but instead I came home once more to this unbearably hot apartment on ANOTHER 38C day... and finally couldn't take it and spent about 2 hours buying a fan and putting it together.
Other people were doing their work while I was dealing with shit I don't have time for anymore like buying fans and groceries. It doesn't help that the grocery stores close early on weekends and there is no Sunday shopping at all.
I was also forced to redo assignment 1 completely and I was really scrambling... I think I handed it in on Wednesday, and then he just ignored one of the new parts I submitted, like he wasn't even paying attention to it.
I was so nervous about my lesson on Thursday that on Wednesday night I spent about 10 hours making materials for it and putting absolutely everything I was going to do on a powerpoint, which of course had to look good as well. I also had this weird OCD thing going on where I felt compelled to type up absolutely everything in the book again so it could all be on one page. I was up until 5:15 am and woke up at 8, then had a full day.
Before the lesson I was eating lunch and this Ukrainian girl sat down with me. She isn't very popular on the course because she's one of those super-keen students who is obsessed with what everyone else is doing and is taking an unnatural amount of interest in it all. I think she probably wants to get an A. Anyways, she saw my PPT and said 'why did you do all of this when it's on the sheet?', and I felt absolutely awful.
I guess she was right, though... it was a lot of work for very little payoff. It ended up being my lowest-scoring lesson. I felt bad about it before I did it too, but there are seriously people in the class who go in and look like they're just making shit up on the spot.
That night I had to finish my assignment but I fell asleep around 2 with my laptop on my stomach, lying in bed with the assignment about 60% done. I woke up around 7, did the rest and handed it in... but it was such a shit job I asked for it back about an hour later. I had just come up with my own activities instead of sourcing them from elsewhere, which apparently you're not allowed to do... so I spent the breaks and lunch and after class looking through all of these idiotic books for one that would fit. I found nothing, so I just picked out some I liked and explained that I would adapt them. I'm really not sure how that's going to go over, probably not well. I was also so self-conscious about my handwriting that I didn't hand in the data collection thing, which was probably really stupid.
I felt so bad about how shitty it was I emailed the teacher to apologize and of course tossed out my list of excuses that he probably has heard before. I then went into how I wish the course was longer so it wasn't always about scrambling to do things and I had time to let stuff sink in and do a good job. Of course, I'm sure he has heard that as well.
That said, last night I went through all of the paper we've been bombarded with over the past 2 weeks and tried to organize it all... I think I somewhat succeeded.
I also managed to sleep for about 11 hours last night and have some pleasant dreams, which was actually awesome and I'm no longer as hopelessly depressed as I was... though I'm not feeling great either. It is nice that we have a new teacher, though... the other one was okay, but he made me more nervous.
The school says that it has a 100% pass rate but apparently inside sources say that isn't true and is more like a marketing ploy, which actually makes sense given that they're operating in a smaller city and probably have a harder time attracting people.
Before I started I honestly thought that I would be getting at least a B, but now all I want to do is pass however I can (a weak pass and just scraping by are both fine). If I fail, I will be seriously painfully depressed. I have spent 9 years teaching English and while I get that this isn't necessarily a reflection of how good I am at teaching (because this is NOT a natural teaching situation), if I don't pass it will be like realizing I was a fraud all along. I used to tell myself I didn't care about the job but over the past few years I was really taking an interest... I think I would feel truly awful if I realized that I had actually taught my students nothing or was doing more harm than good to their education. Obviously I didn't work myself into an early grave when I was teaching, but I did work pretty hard.
I think the teachers like me, though. That doesn't mean I will get a pass, but I think they can see that I at least know a little bit about what I'm doing and I think they will probably try to help if they can.
I miss my girlfriend a lot-- she's about the only person who can make me smile right now... and I miss not being hot, living on a quiet street, sleeping well, eating well and not having constant bullshit thrown at me.
There is a party scheduled for the end and there was some sort of thing held for the students last night, but of course I didn't go and there's another party at the end and I won't go to that either. My party will be getting the **** out of here and never doing anything like this ever again.
I should have done more on it on Tuesday after my first lesson of the week, but instead I came home once more to this unbearably hot apartment on ANOTHER 38C day... and finally couldn't take it and spent about 2 hours buying a fan and putting it together.
Other people were doing their work while I was dealing with shit I don't have time for anymore like buying fans and groceries. It doesn't help that the grocery stores close early on weekends and there is no Sunday shopping at all.
I was also forced to redo assignment 1 completely and I was really scrambling... I think I handed it in on Wednesday, and then he just ignored one of the new parts I submitted, like he wasn't even paying attention to it.
I was so nervous about my lesson on Thursday that on Wednesday night I spent about 10 hours making materials for it and putting absolutely everything I was going to do on a powerpoint, which of course had to look good as well. I also had this weird OCD thing going on where I felt compelled to type up absolutely everything in the book again so it could all be on one page. I was up until 5:15 am and woke up at 8, then had a full day.
Before the lesson I was eating lunch and this Ukrainian girl sat down with me. She isn't very popular on the course because she's one of those super-keen students who is obsessed with what everyone else is doing and is taking an unnatural amount of interest in it all. I think she probably wants to get an A. Anyways, she saw my PPT and said 'why did you do all of this when it's on the sheet?', and I felt absolutely awful.
I guess she was right, though... it was a lot of work for very little payoff. It ended up being my lowest-scoring lesson. I felt bad about it before I did it too, but there are seriously people in the class who go in and look like they're just making shit up on the spot.
That night I had to finish my assignment but I fell asleep around 2 with my laptop on my stomach, lying in bed with the assignment about 60% done. I woke up around 7, did the rest and handed it in... but it was such a shit job I asked for it back about an hour later. I had just come up with my own activities instead of sourcing them from elsewhere, which apparently you're not allowed to do... so I spent the breaks and lunch and after class looking through all of these idiotic books for one that would fit. I found nothing, so I just picked out some I liked and explained that I would adapt them. I'm really not sure how that's going to go over, probably not well. I was also so self-conscious about my handwriting that I didn't hand in the data collection thing, which was probably really stupid.
I felt so bad about how shitty it was I emailed the teacher to apologize and of course tossed out my list of excuses that he probably has heard before. I then went into how I wish the course was longer so it wasn't always about scrambling to do things and I had time to let stuff sink in and do a good job. Of course, I'm sure he has heard that as well.
That said, last night I went through all of the paper we've been bombarded with over the past 2 weeks and tried to organize it all... I think I somewhat succeeded.
I also managed to sleep for about 11 hours last night and have some pleasant dreams, which was actually awesome and I'm no longer as hopelessly depressed as I was... though I'm not feeling great either. It is nice that we have a new teacher, though... the other one was okay, but he made me more nervous.
The school says that it has a 100% pass rate but apparently inside sources say that isn't true and is more like a marketing ploy, which actually makes sense given that they're operating in a smaller city and probably have a harder time attracting people.
Before I started I honestly thought that I would be getting at least a B, but now all I want to do is pass however I can (a weak pass and just scraping by are both fine). If I fail, I will be seriously painfully depressed. I have spent 9 years teaching English and while I get that this isn't necessarily a reflection of how good I am at teaching (because this is NOT a natural teaching situation), if I don't pass it will be like realizing I was a fraud all along. I used to tell myself I didn't care about the job but over the past few years I was really taking an interest... I think I would feel truly awful if I realized that I had actually taught my students nothing or was doing more harm than good to their education. Obviously I didn't work myself into an early grave when I was teaching, but I did work pretty hard.
I think the teachers like me, though. That doesn't mean I will get a pass, but I think they can see that I at least know a little bit about what I'm doing and I think they will probably try to help if they can.
I miss my girlfriend a lot-- she's about the only person who can make me smile right now... and I miss not being hot, living on a quiet street, sleeping well, eating well and not having constant bullshit thrown at me.
There is a party scheduled for the end and there was some sort of thing held for the students last night, but of course I didn't go and there's another party at the end and I won't go to that either. My party will be getting the **** out of here and never doing anything like this ever again.
Odo
Banned
****ing hell this shit is tedious.
I have been seriously sitting in front of my computer all gd day planning this lesson and I've really hit the wall at the point where I have to think of the meanings of 15 different words explained in terms suitable for people whose first language isn't English. Why I have to explain the ****ing meaning and can't just draw a picture or show something is beyond me... I think they want us to go insane.
How the **** do you explain the word 'war' without showing a picture? WHY would you need to explain it (and they expect you to explain it precisely too) when you could just show pictures? It's like writing a goddam dictionary.
I have been seriously sitting in front of my computer all gd day planning this lesson and I've really hit the wall at the point where I have to think of the meanings of 15 different words explained in terms suitable for people whose first language isn't English. Why I have to explain the ****ing meaning and can't just draw a picture or show something is beyond me... I think they want us to go insane.
How the **** do you explain the word 'war' without showing a picture? WHY would you need to explain it (and they expect you to explain it precisely too) when you could just show pictures? It's like writing a goddam dictionary.
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Odo
Banned
I think I'm feeling better because the end is finally in sight. I made plans to get back home today, which was a great source of happiness.
I've also adjusted to teaching again, which is good. I don't feel so nervous about writing on the board... that was seriously killing me and I think my grades suffered for it, as I would design elaborate powerpoints so that I wouldn't have to write anything. This was an issue for the first 2.5 weeks, so half the course.
But the new group of students is so nice-- they're older people who are mostly retired and relaxed about everything. I think the other group's students are a little tougher-- they seem to have big expectations and aren't willing to put any effort into it, so it must be hard.
The new tutor we have makes me feel a lot more comfortable than the last one, who had this horrible mix of giving us rigid instructions then not giving us any real clues as to how to do what he expected us to do.
I am positive that I am going to pass, but not so sure I'll pass with a B. An A is definitely out of the question. Not that it matters, though.
Still, it's kind of disappointing, because there is at least one seriously incompetent person in my group who is probably also going to pass. I know it's not exactly kind of me to say it, but I will be pretty disappointed if I end up with the same grade that he gets. I am putting hours of work into every lesson, and he seems to be just waltzing in and going through the book. There is no evidence of any preparation whatsoever, and his classes put everyone to sleep. The tutor has somehow argued that he has a 'calming' presence and notes things that go right, but as far as I can tell the only reason anything goes right is because it's in the book. He distracts the students with meaningless BS while they're trying to work, blames the 'time limit' for his own poor planning, seems to have no concept of anything that we've been taught and in our feedback sessions he nitpicks instead of giving good criticism. Other people are talking about teaching techniques and procedures, and this guy is making fun of you for getting a student's name wrong, talking about how nervous you looked or making some pathetic comment about something everyone has long since moved on from. I don't even participate in his feedback sessions because if I started I honestly think I wouldn't be able to stop...
But the school has a 100% pass rate, so I'm sure he'll get through. I seriously think they were trying to pressure him to quit early on because for some behind-the-scenes reason, they don't want to fail anyone. I honestly think they need to market themselves as a pass factory because they're not in a major urban center and have a harder time attracting customers. But I guess if I wanted to know if I could pass a course that some people actually fail, I would take one where failures actually occur.
Still, it's kind of frustrating that someone like that can get through... and it makes me feel like I'm putting wayyy too much effort into it for no real reason. Why am I trying so hard when I'll end up equal to someone who is incompetent, comes in late every single day (even though he lives just down the street from the school), doesn't show any awareness of how teaching works, has terrible rapport with the students and does all kinds of weird, off-putting things in his lessons? Why wouldn't I just sleep in every day, do everything last minute and try not to stress all the time?
I've also adjusted to teaching again, which is good. I don't feel so nervous about writing on the board... that was seriously killing me and I think my grades suffered for it, as I would design elaborate powerpoints so that I wouldn't have to write anything. This was an issue for the first 2.5 weeks, so half the course.
But the new group of students is so nice-- they're older people who are mostly retired and relaxed about everything. I think the other group's students are a little tougher-- they seem to have big expectations and aren't willing to put any effort into it, so it must be hard.
The new tutor we have makes me feel a lot more comfortable than the last one, who had this horrible mix of giving us rigid instructions then not giving us any real clues as to how to do what he expected us to do.
I am positive that I am going to pass, but not so sure I'll pass with a B. An A is definitely out of the question. Not that it matters, though.
Still, it's kind of disappointing, because there is at least one seriously incompetent person in my group who is probably also going to pass. I know it's not exactly kind of me to say it, but I will be pretty disappointed if I end up with the same grade that he gets. I am putting hours of work into every lesson, and he seems to be just waltzing in and going through the book. There is no evidence of any preparation whatsoever, and his classes put everyone to sleep. The tutor has somehow argued that he has a 'calming' presence and notes things that go right, but as far as I can tell the only reason anything goes right is because it's in the book. He distracts the students with meaningless BS while they're trying to work, blames the 'time limit' for his own poor planning, seems to have no concept of anything that we've been taught and in our feedback sessions he nitpicks instead of giving good criticism. Other people are talking about teaching techniques and procedures, and this guy is making fun of you for getting a student's name wrong, talking about how nervous you looked or making some pathetic comment about something everyone has long since moved on from. I don't even participate in his feedback sessions because if I started I honestly think I wouldn't be able to stop...
But the school has a 100% pass rate, so I'm sure he'll get through. I seriously think they were trying to pressure him to quit early on because for some behind-the-scenes reason, they don't want to fail anyone. I honestly think they need to market themselves as a pass factory because they're not in a major urban center and have a harder time attracting customers. But I guess if I wanted to know if I could pass a course that some people actually fail, I would take one where failures actually occur.
Still, it's kind of frustrating that someone like that can get through... and it makes me feel like I'm putting wayyy too much effort into it for no real reason. Why am I trying so hard when I'll end up equal to someone who is incompetent, comes in late every single day (even though he lives just down the street from the school), doesn't show any awareness of how teaching works, has terrible rapport with the students and does all kinds of weird, off-putting things in his lessons? Why wouldn't I just sleep in every day, do everything last minute and try not to stress all the time?
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Odo
Banned
So yesterday we had 'unassessed' teaching, which means we teach and everyone but the tutor watches and takes notes, but we don't really get a mark for it. Because of this, I put almost no effort into it.
It was a stupid lesson from a UK English textbook, and part of it involved explaining some vocabulary about weddings. And when it came time to do the vocab, I explained what everything was in pictures, but I realized that one of the words was 'pageboy' and I seriously had no idea what the hell the pageboy does. I also don't know why it was in any way important to know this, but when it came time to do feedback this guy smirkingly said 'it might be a good idea to know the vocab before you teach it', and I seriously wanted to smack him.
I didn't want to hear it... is it really so important to know what a ****ing pageboy is in order to speak English? I've gone my whole life without ever hearing of one and I do alright communicating in English. And apparently my definitions of what the best man does (gives a speech and takes care of the ring) didn't correspond to the British definitions well enough either.
My next lesson is similarly brilliant, as there is all of this vocab about the British school system and A-levels and O-levels and invigilators and all kinds of weird shit that Spanish retirees will never ever encounter in their lives. I am seriously supposed to teach them about defunct British tests and what they take when they're 11 years old. I looked up 'invigilator' in the dictionary and the definition said it was archaic... why are we teaching archaic words???
I'm so glad this shit is ending next week.
It was a stupid lesson from a UK English textbook, and part of it involved explaining some vocabulary about weddings. And when it came time to do the vocab, I explained what everything was in pictures, but I realized that one of the words was 'pageboy' and I seriously had no idea what the hell the pageboy does. I also don't know why it was in any way important to know this, but when it came time to do feedback this guy smirkingly said 'it might be a good idea to know the vocab before you teach it', and I seriously wanted to smack him.
I didn't want to hear it... is it really so important to know what a ****ing pageboy is in order to speak English? I've gone my whole life without ever hearing of one and I do alright communicating in English. And apparently my definitions of what the best man does (gives a speech and takes care of the ring) didn't correspond to the British definitions well enough either.
My next lesson is similarly brilliant, as there is all of this vocab about the British school system and A-levels and O-levels and invigilators and all kinds of weird shit that Spanish retirees will never ever encounter in their lives. I am seriously supposed to teach them about defunct British tests and what they take when they're 11 years old. I looked up 'invigilator' in the dictionary and the definition said it was archaic... why are we teaching archaic words???
I'm so glad this shit is ending next week.
Odo
Banned
I did my second last lesson today and it's also my second 'above standard' mark in a row-- both of these are good things.
I'm finally feeling somewhat relaxed about it all as well. The beginning was filled with anxiety, depression and fear... but the second half has those things to a lesser degree, and also some sense of accomplishment... but most importantly, the sense of it all coming to an end. The fact that I've been doing much better on my lessons with the new tutor has definitely helped me feel more confident. I'm trying not to feel too confident though, because I know that getting a big head is just going to result in disaster.
I am worried about the last lesson a little because my former tutor is coming back to evaluate it-- and with him I didn't do so well. I wish I could count on him to be fair, but to be honest, I'm not sure I trust him. I've asked myself if I could feel this way just because I don't like getting low marks (no one does), but in the end I'm not sure.
He has had issues with the use of powerpoint from day one and I am of course a huge powerpoint person... and he was really pushing for an 'unplugged' lesson where I would have to use the board and the book instead of relying on technology. Why exactly he thought this would help anyone living in the 21st century I don't know, but he did have this weird story that involved the words 'maybe you'll find yourself teaching in Africa...'. Of course, I would never go to Africa or any other technology-free zone to teach so I guess he's talking about being kidnapped by pirates or something... but it has kind of put me at odds with him. He also had this story about a concert he went to being 'rubbish' because of technological issues... as if the entire concert would have even been possible without mics, amps, and computers. He actually made a point to say this to us early on, which gave me a real sinking feeling. One day I came in with a pretty long ppt, and he remarked 'it's a long one, is it?' like he was ready to give me a failing grade or something.
To be honest, I think the reason he doesn't like technology/powerpoint is because he doesn't know how to use it himself, and this makes him feel a little inadequate... so he wants to make me feel inadequate because I do know how to use it.
The thing is, all of the lessons I've seen that were interesting involved using powerpoint. It's just a lot faster than writing all kinds of things on the board or having to draw all kinds of pictures to show things. It might take 2 minutes to write out a worksheet on the board but it only takes a few seconds to click and then there are all of the answers.
Actually, just today he came up to me and said 'you're bald'. So yes, I am losing my hair, thanks for noticing. I don't know if he meant that I shaved off my beard (which I did) but it was kind of an odd thing to say. He didn't really explain what he meant. I think he's kind of an awkward guy so he probably just meant the beardless thing but yeah, looking back on it I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
But whatever he says or does on Monday (my last lesson day), I'm pretty much positive that I'm going to pass and the only real difference he can make is between a normal pass or a B pass. An A is out of the question. The thing is, when you're looking for a job, people don't really care what your grade is.
Anyways, it will be nice when I can have thoughts not related to this course.
I'm finally feeling somewhat relaxed about it all as well. The beginning was filled with anxiety, depression and fear... but the second half has those things to a lesser degree, and also some sense of accomplishment... but most importantly, the sense of it all coming to an end. The fact that I've been doing much better on my lessons with the new tutor has definitely helped me feel more confident. I'm trying not to feel too confident though, because I know that getting a big head is just going to result in disaster.
I am worried about the last lesson a little because my former tutor is coming back to evaluate it-- and with him I didn't do so well. I wish I could count on him to be fair, but to be honest, I'm not sure I trust him. I've asked myself if I could feel this way just because I don't like getting low marks (no one does), but in the end I'm not sure.
He has had issues with the use of powerpoint from day one and I am of course a huge powerpoint person... and he was really pushing for an 'unplugged' lesson where I would have to use the board and the book instead of relying on technology. Why exactly he thought this would help anyone living in the 21st century I don't know, but he did have this weird story that involved the words 'maybe you'll find yourself teaching in Africa...'. Of course, I would never go to Africa or any other technology-free zone to teach so I guess he's talking about being kidnapped by pirates or something... but it has kind of put me at odds with him. He also had this story about a concert he went to being 'rubbish' because of technological issues... as if the entire concert would have even been possible without mics, amps, and computers. He actually made a point to say this to us early on, which gave me a real sinking feeling. One day I came in with a pretty long ppt, and he remarked 'it's a long one, is it?' like he was ready to give me a failing grade or something.
To be honest, I think the reason he doesn't like technology/powerpoint is because he doesn't know how to use it himself, and this makes him feel a little inadequate... so he wants to make me feel inadequate because I do know how to use it.
The thing is, all of the lessons I've seen that were interesting involved using powerpoint. It's just a lot faster than writing all kinds of things on the board or having to draw all kinds of pictures to show things. It might take 2 minutes to write out a worksheet on the board but it only takes a few seconds to click and then there are all of the answers.
Actually, just today he came up to me and said 'you're bald'. So yes, I am losing my hair, thanks for noticing. I don't know if he meant that I shaved off my beard (which I did) but it was kind of an odd thing to say. He didn't really explain what he meant. I think he's kind of an awkward guy so he probably just meant the beardless thing but yeah, looking back on it I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
But whatever he says or does on Monday (my last lesson day), I'm pretty much positive that I'm going to pass and the only real difference he can make is between a normal pass or a B pass. An A is out of the question. The thing is, when you're looking for a job, people don't really care what your grade is.
Anyways, it will be nice when I can have thoughts not related to this course.
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Odo
Banned
There are only 3 days left starting on Monday.
On Thursday they actually approached me and told me I was being considered for a B, and that I would need to make my final lesson count. I really wish they hadn't told me that, because even though I suspected it, actually hearing it puts enormous amounts of pressure on me to do well.
The 'good' news is that two other people were told something similar, and both of them didn't quite close the deal on their final lesson. So at least now if I don't get it, I won't be alone. I think the reason they didn't get it is because one of them taught a lesson on DEATH of all things, and the other one had originally picked out an article that wasn't suitable and had to be told what to teach.
So really, the latter never had a chance and the former didn't get it simply because the topic was grim and that showed a kind of insensitivity to student concerns.
I don't have such concerns about my lesson-- my primary fear is my hands shaking too much, not being able to write on the board, or just not being able to function because of the pressure. I would ordinarily have no problem delivering this lesson to a normal class and it would be a great success... the issue is the situation and not being able to demonstrate everything I'm capable of because of it.
I actually argued that this was a reason that one of the other teachers didn't necessarily do his best in his lesson the other day, and one of the tutors (a tutor in training) actually said that there was also pressure when you have a group of 15 year olds and need to organize them. I can't believe she doesn't understand the difference between being observed for a final grade in a course and just doing the job. I said it was a different kind of pressure, but I'm not sure she heard me. She was being really brutal anyways and to be honest I think she was told to tone it down in private afterwards.
I actually told my other tutor (the one I had in the second part of the course) that I was worried because the old one hasn't seen my progress and I even said I had anxiety issues, but of course there isn't much they can do about that. They're not going to accommodate me based on that and to be honest I think that in some ways saying that put me at a disadvantage.
Another thing that has been seriously bothering me is that the guy who really can't teach (like, at all) passed the course. That means if I don't get a B, me with my 9 years of teaching English and incredibly well-planned lessons will be on equal standing with a guy who just yesterday did a lesson with about 20 new words that were way too difficult, a huge 2 page article that took forever to read, weird tasks that didn't show any concept of how language is taught or any regard for what students need, and which left the students dazed and exhausted and lacking respect for him as a teacher, and who completely crippled his final task due to carelessness (losing copies) and poor planning. On top of that, he is actually more of an ANTI-teacher, in that he takes simple things and makes them infinitely more difficult to understand. I don't even understand half of the things he tries to explain, and then when we actually figure it out, it's something as simple as writing a letter in a box or something.
More than anything, seeing that this guy passed makes me realize that the course is pretty much bullshit. It's a lot of work even for someone who will probably never understand teaching... but the fact that they can in good conscience unleash someone like that on the teaching community makes me realize it's all about making money for them. Maybe more than anything, that's what is disappointing. All of that hard work was for nothing, as I could have just half-assed the whole course and come away with the same result.
On Thursday they actually approached me and told me I was being considered for a B, and that I would need to make my final lesson count. I really wish they hadn't told me that, because even though I suspected it, actually hearing it puts enormous amounts of pressure on me to do well.
The 'good' news is that two other people were told something similar, and both of them didn't quite close the deal on their final lesson. So at least now if I don't get it, I won't be alone. I think the reason they didn't get it is because one of them taught a lesson on DEATH of all things, and the other one had originally picked out an article that wasn't suitable and had to be told what to teach.
So really, the latter never had a chance and the former didn't get it simply because the topic was grim and that showed a kind of insensitivity to student concerns.
I don't have such concerns about my lesson-- my primary fear is my hands shaking too much, not being able to write on the board, or just not being able to function because of the pressure. I would ordinarily have no problem delivering this lesson to a normal class and it would be a great success... the issue is the situation and not being able to demonstrate everything I'm capable of because of it.
I actually argued that this was a reason that one of the other teachers didn't necessarily do his best in his lesson the other day, and one of the tutors (a tutor in training) actually said that there was also pressure when you have a group of 15 year olds and need to organize them. I can't believe she doesn't understand the difference between being observed for a final grade in a course and just doing the job. I said it was a different kind of pressure, but I'm not sure she heard me. She was being really brutal anyways and to be honest I think she was told to tone it down in private afterwards.
I actually told my other tutor (the one I had in the second part of the course) that I was worried because the old one hasn't seen my progress and I even said I had anxiety issues, but of course there isn't much they can do about that. They're not going to accommodate me based on that and to be honest I think that in some ways saying that put me at a disadvantage.
Another thing that has been seriously bothering me is that the guy who really can't teach (like, at all) passed the course. That means if I don't get a B, me with my 9 years of teaching English and incredibly well-planned lessons will be on equal standing with a guy who just yesterday did a lesson with about 20 new words that were way too difficult, a huge 2 page article that took forever to read, weird tasks that didn't show any concept of how language is taught or any regard for what students need, and which left the students dazed and exhausted and lacking respect for him as a teacher, and who completely crippled his final task due to carelessness (losing copies) and poor planning. On top of that, he is actually more of an ANTI-teacher, in that he takes simple things and makes them infinitely more difficult to understand. I don't even understand half of the things he tries to explain, and then when we actually figure it out, it's something as simple as writing a letter in a box or something.
More than anything, seeing that this guy passed makes me realize that the course is pretty much bullshit. It's a lot of work even for someone who will probably never understand teaching... but the fact that they can in good conscience unleash someone like that on the teaching community makes me realize it's all about making money for them. Maybe more than anything, that's what is disappointing. All of that hard work was for nothing, as I could have just half-assed the whole course and come away with the same result.
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