Bitter about being unattractive

[twiggle]

Being good looking is definitely not a free ticket, though.

And thank goodness it isn't. A relationship based on looks isn't likely to be a strong one.

Well, I'm a girl and I'm not interested in a guy's money or popularity. Ambition yes - but not the ambition to earn lots of money - just the ambition to make the most out of life I guess.

Looks may attract me towards somebody but what's more important than any of this is the connection itself. If that's not there then everything else is irrelevant.

I don't doubt there are some people out there who are only attracted towards people with millionaire status but how they can enjoy a relationship like that is beyond me. Very shallow.

 

[OceanMist]

Just another thing to add, let's not forget we are in a support forum, so of course you are going to get a bunch of stories from people who claim they aren't shallow.

Just because you say you would date a guy who lacks social status/social confidence doesn't mean you will do that if that situation arises in real life. Saying something and doing something can be totally different.

These forums are good for support, but I think part of the problem with these forums sometimes is that they can lack the truth, and instead many people will give white lies.

It's kind of like the "nice, quiet guy" thing. Most women claim they want a nice guy until that nice guy asks her out and she declines because he's not social enough for her. Instead she decides to go out with the more socially and sexually aggressive jerk that winds up cheating on her.

People will say what sounds noble when in fact their actions will be the different than what they say. And it's not always their fault, because many of these people don't even realize that they are telling white lie because what they say sounds nice and helpful.

The best example is the threads that ask "Am I ugly?" Of course people are going to tell you that you aren't ugly.

 

[coyote]

that's the thing with sexual attraction

it's one of our basest, most primal instincts

it often wins out over what our hearts or minds tell us

people shouldn't be judged for doing what's natural

better to understand it than ignore it or repress it

 

[Hoppy]

that's the thing with sexual attraction

it's one of our basest, most primal instincts

If I see a picture of a group of woman, my first instinct is to look for the prettiest one. Even in a group of bikini models I will look which one is the prettiest.

If I spend time with a group of woman, the one I first "choose" normally isn't the one I would like to go home with. (metaphorically speaking of course: I've never gone home with a woman, except my mother out of the hospital and sometimes I wish they left me there.)

 

[twiggle]

All I know is that when I first saw two of my ex boyfriends I wasn't exactly head over heels about their appearance. Far from. They didn't have a lot of money - we were students, nor did they have a lot of friends (I liked that though, given that my Uni was a fishbowl of sorts where most people knew each other). I fell for them because we had a connection. We understood each other and there was comfort in that.

It's not about sounding noble, I've actually been out with guys who have none of the things you've said women look for, it's just trying to show that people look for different things in partners. I'm not doubting that a lot of people are shallow, there are plenty of people who wouldn't want to go out with people they perceive are 'ugly' and that's their loss, because there is so much more to people than that.

Connection over-rides everything.

 

[coyote]

If I see a picture of a group of woman, my first instinct is to look for the prettiest one. Even in a group of bikini models I will look which one is the prettiest.

i do the same

what's odd is that there's no one formula to determine which the "prettiest" is

it all depends on so many things

most of which are relative to the situation

or to the group as a whole

that's what people should understand

sometimes you have it - sometimes you don't

there's not one simple, perfect, clear-cut, black & white, absolute standard

that anyone uses

 

[coyote]

the other thing is

attraction - even sexual attraction

isn't all visual

 

[twiggle]

i do the same

what's odd is that there's no one formula to determine which the "prettiest" is

it all depends on so many things

most of which are relative to the situation

or to the group as a whole

that's what people should understand

sometimes you have it - sometimes you don't

there's not one simple, perfect, clear-cut, black & white, absolute standard

that anyone uses

Yes, I agree. I often wonder, 'what is it that makes somebody hot'.. as in, what are the actual features involved? And even if you can determine what it is you find attractive about one person, another person could have the same features and not be attractive.

 

[Lexington]

It's kind of like the "nice, quiet guy" thing. Most women claim they want a nice guy until that nice guy asks her out and she declines because he's not social enough for her. Instead she decides to go out with the more socially and sexually aggressive jerk that winds up cheating on her.

I get where you are coming from but I think you may be overly pessimistic. "those jerks" aren't always "jerks". sometimes they just have better self-esteem than us. Nicer to be a round. And with good hearts too. If we were women we might make the same choice.
Nice guys aren't nice at all if they are negative and complaining all the time.
(which is what I tend to be if you get to know me:

 

[Felgen]

the other thing is

attraction - even sexual attraction

isn't all visual

Depends on whether you're looking for a random fling or a long-term relationship. I've been in bed with women who didn't like my personality, but still liked my appearance enough to throw me a bone and sleep with me on the first date.

Likewise, I've also been in bed with women I couldn't see myself together with in a relationship.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

In general, I can't stand my own reflection and I feel terrible about my looks.

But: in my experience, sometimes there's just no accounting for a girl's taste.

 

[coyote]

in my experience with women, i've found that successful encounters are usually predicated more by how attractive i have been able to make them feel about themselves, than on how attractive they think i am

 

[twiggle]

Characteristics such as sense of humour etc also play a massive part. I would just be very reluctant to try and make equations over what each gender looks for in the other. It really is very much down to the individual involved and what they want and enjoy.

 

[MikeyC]

Depends on whether you're looking for a random fling or a long-term relationship. I've been in bed with women who didn't like my personality, but still liked my appearance enough to throw me a bone and sleep with me on the first date.

Likewise, I've also been in bed with women I couldn't see myself together with in a relationship.

You're right. In a random fling, attraction is everything. For something long-term you need more than that.

Characteristics such as sense of humour etc also play a massive part.

Absolutely right, and something I touched on earlier in this thread. You need more than looks to win someone over. I could meet the hottest girl in the world but if her personality sucks it's not going to go any further than a short-term fling (and maybe not even that).

 

[Aletheia]

the attraction of attraction

in my experience with women, i've found that successful encounters are usually predicated more by how attractive i have been able to make them feel about themselves, than on how attractive they think i am

Well see that skill makes you attractive.

I sometimes wonder whether guys become interested in me simply because I'm paying attention to them.

 

[MikeyC]

Re: the attraction of attraction

I sometimes wonder whether guys become interested in me simply because I'm paying attention to them.

Yes, that can happen. If a girl is giving us eye contact, smiling, etc., we assume she's interested.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Just because you say you would date a guy who lacks social status/social confidence doesn't mean you will do that if that situation arises in real life. Saying something and doing something can be totally different.

It's kind of like the "nice, quiet guy" thing. Most women claim they want a nice guy until that nice guy asks her out and she declines because he's not social enough for her. Instead she decides to go out with the more socially and sexually aggressive jerk that winds up cheating on her.

The best example is the threads that ask "Am I ugly?" Of course people are going to tell you that you aren't ugly.

Sometimes those "nice guys" have zero confidence, low-self esteem and let you walk all over them. Those are not desirable traits. Sometimes it's not just about "being a nice guy". You have to have personality and confidence, you have to know that you are worth it. Those "jerks" seem to have that, and that's what the girls like.

You know what I have noticed too, is these "nice guys" that complain that girls never go for them, they aren't going for the "nice girls". They are going for the really pretty girls who aren't that nice either. I mean if she was such a great girl, she'd like you for you.

I'll be honest, I won't go out with someone who lacks confidence. That really needy, worrying, always afraid he did something wrong guy is totally not my type. I don't care about social status though, money means very little to me.

 

[KiaKaha]

^^ The nice guy argument always comes up in this forum - but I think you are right, confidence is attractive and the more aggressive guys have that so it makes them seem more appealing .... although there are no rules - there are lots of variables and factors that can make you seem attractive to the right kind of person.

I really hate the term 'nice guy'

Hell, It goes both ways really - I dont think I would be particularly interested in a girl that was over the top needy and insecure either. Thats not fun.

I just live by one rule when it comes to girls - and its just being aware of how you make them feel - whether that comes from my personality, my social status or my...ahem...looks... then that is what ultimately makes someone feel attracted.... I guess..

I dont know, I dont really have any idea what I am talking about...maybe **** just happens.

Going to look at something shiny for a while...

 

[SilentBird]

I find people who are confident and genuine to be attractive; confident and conceited, unattractive.

 

[OceanMist]

I don't get why whenever someone brings up the "nice guy" term, people try to twist it to make it sound like I must be talking about a push-over who is needy, worrying all the time, and always thinks he did something wrong?

There are plenty of nice guys who aren't needy, don't worry all the time and are confident in themselves. These same guys may be kind of quiet, which doesn't mean they aren't confident, yet women seem to perceive them as not confident just because don't blab away like those super outgoing guys.

My complaint is more along the lines of that. Of course a guy who is needy is not attractive, but what about the guy who isn't needy and just doesn't like to talk that much. It seems many women write him off as a loser just because he doesn't have a million things to say.

I wasn't saying all outgoing guys are jerks, most arent. I was just saying that it's stupid that a guy can just be super outgoing and even if he's a total jerk and winds up beating or cheating on his women, he'll get a lot of women compared to a nice guy who doesn't like to say as much but really treats women with respect and won't beat her or cheat on her.

Let's face it, this problem goes beyond these nice, respectful guys not getting dates. I think it's a national problem here in the USA. It's this westernized crap that says that men must be this cocky guy from the movies who has a million things to say. It's all about talking instead of who he is as a person.

I think it's a problem with people in general. People are marrying way way way too much. There is no reason there should be a 50%+ divorce rate in this country. It's not just about the parents lives being messed up, but it effects the kids too. I've heard older people talk about how things didn't used to be like this. Columbine, Vtech, Arkansas and that recent Ohio shooting......this crap didn't happen back in the day. I blame the parents because they don't think. They choose their partners unwisely, then they marry too early and then they really screw up when they try to have these kids when they aren't fit to be parents. Then they get divorced, and the kids' heads get messed up.

It becomes more about the parents trying to be their kids' friend instead of being a parent when that divorce happens. The hate that happens between parents trickles down to the children and can lead to issues with the child at school. It's the worst example someone can set, to show your kid that you got married when you shouldn't of. What's the kids supposed to think, I want to be just like dad and make bad decisions? I don't understand how they are supposed to function in that enviornment.