Anyone else feel like its hard to make friends, let alone keep them around

[tryingtobreathgrl]

I'm always so lonely. I want company and people around me, but the thought of the stress of someone else wanting to do something or suggesting something that makes me uncomfortable (i.e. any kind of social event, concert, bar, dinner, friends house..etc.) makes me shy away from continuing any kind of relationship as friends. The only people I'm comfortable with are my parents and my boyfriend and he works 8 to 5. I used to get along alright, I've always been quiet and reserved/anxious and scared, but after a medical trauma about three months ago it got to the point where I couldn't even leave the house to do normal day to day things. I've always struggled with it and just went thru the motions, day in day out, work, home, sleep, over again. But I really feel as though I am trapped and noone understands. My friends I had made before are mad at me because I never call to hangout and never try to stay in touch, them being mad makes it worse because there's no way I'm going to try to reach out, especially if they are mad...confrontation is not my forte. Phone calls even stress me out. I had to deal with docters calling and going in for appointments so much that after I started to recover I started turning off my phone, not opening the mail, and staying locked up all day in our apartment. I'm trying to dig out of the hole, but I know myself and reaching out to people has always turned out bad for me. I don't want to be a burden or a let down to friends, but its always happening beause of my severe anxiety. When I get in to social settings I have to go somewhere else in my mind to deal with it. Lately I have been getting paranoid thoughts, my self esteem is ****, and I feel like noone except for my family would notice if I just didn't show up one day and disappeared. I feel so alone. I wish I could make friends and explain to them what I'm going through so they don't feel like its personal when I stop answering phone calls or hanging out. But its not like I'm going to start off with "hi my names so and so and I have severe social anxiety and adhd and I have trouble making friends, wanna be my friend?" It just feels hopeless sometimes and its been going on far too long, but now its at its worst point. Does anyone else feel like its hard to maintain relationships and function on that level with others? I try so hard and when things get akward or weird I just run...and then they give up on me.

 

[Moa]

I feel exactly like you do. I try to make friends but no one understands how stressful it is when they want you to go places and do things that make your anxiety go through the roof.

It's easier for me if I can get just one friend to come over or meet me somewhere that I'm familiar with, but it seems like most people are too social for that and wanna hang out in groups or go to new places all the time. I can't do that and I feel like I get left behind in the dust.

Just last night my boyfriend said it was driving him crazy that I never leave our house or go hang out with anyone. He just doesn't understand how stressful it is. Not having friends who understand is stressful, but I feel like going out to meet people is even harder to do. So I stick with the lesser of 2 evils.

 

[tryingtobreathgrl]

I sucks because I want to go out...but the fear of being thrown into a social situation makes me bottle up. My boyfriend is the same way...but it makes me feel horrible like I'm holding him back because I can't handle the situations. I want to go to dinner with him and do fun things, but whenever he suggests something I don't even think about the actual idea he suggests. I think about all the bad stuff that might happen and how I won't be able to handle it. So I retract back into my shell and stay in where its "safe" in my mind. I've lost some great friends because I just rationalize my irrational thoughts and take the easy way out. Then when I try to go out and something stressful happens it makes me not want to try again. I hate feeling helpless.

 

[Tiercel]

I always feel like I won't be good enough for someone else. Like why would they want to talk to me? Even though I know I'm not such a terrible guy, and that the disappointment is all in my own head.

But it still makes it damn difficult to open up to people. And I've never been good at making small talk, or initiating anything with anyone. So most of my time is spent longing for interaction whilst doing nothing. I can occasionally open up, however, but it's usually more akin to just cracking the lid of a chest than flinging it all the way open.

Still, the only way forward is to keep trying. I've tried the alternative for far too long, and it only made things worse.

 

[Silatuyok]

I feel like it is impossible for me to make friends. I have not made a real friend since high school, which was eight years ago. I am still technically friends with my best friend from high school, but I hardly see her or talk to her anymore, and when I do I feel awkward. The only people I've become friendly with in college seem to have lost interest, I guess because they have their own friends already. Unless someone really pursues my friendship (which they never do), then we just remain acquaintances.

 

[stevelee24]

i only really have 1 friend now that i see now and again and hes been my friend since we where kids. ive not really made a friend in my adult life. its like i dont even know where to start that and im overly suspicious of people.
if a person starts being friendly or invites me somewhere i always think they have some other agenda and refuse the invitation or make up an excuse

 

[MrJones]

It is so hard I don't even have friends...

I guess it doesn't matter, they will find someone better, everyone seems to be better without me, they feel awkward when I'm around.

 

[Moa]

I sucks because I want to go out...but the fear of being thrown into a social situation makes me bottle up. My boyfriend is the same way...but it makes me feel horrible like I'm holding him back because I can't handle the situations. I want to go to dinner with him and do fun things, but whenever he suggests something I don't even think about the actual idea he suggests. I think about all the bad stuff that might happen and how I won't be able to handle it. So I retract back into my shell and stay in where its "safe" in my mind. I've lost some great friends because I just rationalize my irrational thoughts and take the easy way out. Then when I try to go out and something stressful happens it makes me not want to try again. I hate feeling helpless.

Are you seeing a therapist or taking any medications for SA? Sometimes when I have to face these situations I take a Xanax. It doesn't cure everything but it helps me be calm about it, so I can at least think straight. The downfall is that it makes me sleepy, which doesn't exactly help my interactions with other people. But at least I'm not freaking out anymore.

I feel like it is impossible for me to make friends. I have not made a real friend since high school, which was eight years ago. I am still technically friends with my best friend from high school, but I hardly see her or talk to her anymore, and when I do I feel awkward. The only people I've become friendly with in college seem to have lost interest, I guess because they have their own friends already. Unless someone really pursues my friendship (which they never do), then we just remain acquaintances.

I have such a hard time with making the leap from acquaintance to friend. I remember when I was in college, getting to know a group of girls in a few of my classes. I thought everything was going along great, and I was getting proud of myself for almost making friends. Then I found out that the other girls had already exchanged phone numbers and hung out together outside of school multiple times. No one asked for my number... I'm 100% sure I don't smell funny ::, so I don't know what it is that keeps people away.

 

[bigcat1967]

I'm married - sad to say that the only 'friends' is my wife and eight year old. However, I'm so busy w/ other stuff - I'm glad I don't have friends.

I know - strange. But I'm working full time - have a small SEO business on the side and taking some online classes. In the end - I don't have time for friends.

 

[brainfog]

I'm always so lonely. I want company and people around me, but the thought of the stress of someone else wanting to do something or suggesting something that makes me uncomfortable (i.e. any kind of social event, concert, bar, dinner, friends house..etc.) makes me shy away from continuing any kind of relationship as friends. The only people I'm comfortable with are my parents and my boyfriend and he works 8 to 5. I used to get along alright, I've always been quiet and reserved/anxious and scared, but after a medical trauma about three months ago it got to the point where I couldn't even leave the house to do normal day to day things. I've always struggled with it and just went thru the motions, day in day out, work, home, sleep, over again. But I really feel as though I am trapped and noone understands. My friends I had made before are mad at me because I never call to hangout and never try to stay in touch, them being mad makes it worse because there's no way I'm going to try to reach out, especially if they are mad...confrontation is not my forte. Phone calls even stress me out. I had to deal with docters calling and going in for appointments so much that after I started to recover I started turning off my phone, not opening the mail, and staying locked up all day in our apartment. I'm trying to dig out of the hole, but I know myself and reaching out to people has always turned out bad for me. I don't want to be a burden or a let down to friends, but its always happening beause of my severe anxiety. When I get in to social settings I have to go somewhere else in my mind to deal with it. Lately I have been getting paranoid thoughts, my self esteem is ****, and I feel like noone except for my family would notice if I just didn't show up one day and disappeared. I feel so alone. I wish I could make friends and explain to them what I'm going through so they don't feel like its personal when I stop answering phone calls or hanging out. But its not like I'm going to start off with "hi my names so and so and I have severe social anxiety and adhd and I have trouble making friends, wanna be my friend?" It just feels hopeless sometimes and its been going on far too long, but now its at its worst point. Does anyone else feel like its hard to maintain relationships and function on that level with others? I try so hard and when things get akward or weird I just run...and then they give up on me.

I feel like it is impossible for me to make friends. I have not made a real friend since high school, which was eight years ago. I am still technically friends with my best friend from high school, but I hardly see her or talk to her anymore, and when I do I feel awkward. The only people I've become friendly with in college seem to have lost interest, I guess because they have their own friends already. Unless someone really pursues my friendship (which they never do), then we just remain acquaintances.

you both have described pretty much me, i hate confrontations, and how to handle situations where i'm in a group of people and the attention is on me. phone conversations tend to get awkward for me as well, especially if it's with a friend and they're trying to convince me about something or going somewhere. however, i am trying to break out of it by being in contact more, i send texts to people to see how they're doing, and get a reply, but it's usually me that has to do the initiation. that being said, upon sending one of these texts, i'm invited to a halloween thing this saturday with a group fo 20 strangers, i'm freaked out, i'd much rather be home and watch amovie or something within the safe confines of my home, but at the same time feel that i need to do this in order to make progress. i don't want to deal with people, yet i don't want to feel alone either, so that's the mentality im going in with this saturday, it was nice of her to invite me, and she did it because i initiated with the text so i got lucky i guess, this isn' a regular occurence.

as you've mentioned, my primary instinct at this gathering will be to bail and/or go to a secluded area just to chill by myself, but again i need to change.
if your boyfriend loves/cares about you, and i'm sure he does, just ask him to sit down with you one of these days/nights, have a tlak with him about why you're acting the way you are, and why you don't want to participate in the activities that he's suggesting. maybe suggest something to do for just the two of you alone (aforemetioned movie, cook something together, go for a walk alone with noone else round, a drive something like that) he's your boyfriend, someone who loves you regardless of how you are, and that's something the majority of us with SA would love to have too, so good luck!

 

[Hamelech]

Finding people to hang out with is kinda easy, but they rarely are true friends. Most part of our friends and relatives would sell us for 30 silver coins.

 

[MikeyC]

My boyfriend

Well, you obviously did something right to snag a boyfriend!

It is hard to make friends, and I don't have that many. My best friend would ditch me for the right monetary offer, I'm sure of it. But there's others that are enriched because I simply draw breath.

Finding friends is difficult. Don't go out with the intention of finding a friend that day because it'll put too much pressure on you. Just be yourself and you'll eventually find people that will like you.

I can understand you're very anxious about going to social things. Maybe a chat with a therapist (even with your boyfriend with you) might help you along.

Good luck!

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

It just feels hopeless sometimes and its been going on far too long, but now its at its worst point. Does anyone else feel like its hard to maintain relationships and function on that level with others? I try so hard and when things get akward or weird I just run...and then they give up on me.

I relate a lot to what you wrote. I also feel lonely and want friends, but the whole process of making friends overwhelms me.

Though these days I am up to go out and try something new...but the opportunities and invitations have dried up. It totally sucks. People have given up on me already

I always feel like I won't be good enough for someone else. Like why would they want to talk to me?

Yeah, me too. Like, I have nothing to offer. It is a hard to shake this feeling off, but there is worth in us and we have a lot to offer to others. We are not the only lonely people out there. Many people are lonely too, looking to make friends. We just have to reach out and find them...somehow.

The only people I've become friendly with in college seem to have lost interest, I guess because they have their own friends already. Unless someone really pursues my friendship (which they never do), then we just remain acquaintances.

I found this to be true in college too. The few people I met, they already had their own thing going, and I never was able to take it to the next level. Perhaps the not having a car was really a big obstacle for me; still is.

i don't want to deal with people, yet i don't want to feel alone either, so that's the mentality im going in with...

While it is hard to meet people and make friends, it takes even more effort to maintain a friendship. That is where I always fail. It is too much for me. I can only stand to see and talk to people every now and then, and that is not really friendly behavior. I am open to it now though, now that I see how important it is, but I just don't know where to begin.

I can't really offer advice, seeing as I am in the same place as you, but I relate. You are not alone in this.

You could try medication and therapy like some here suggest. I do hear that xanax can help. The sleepiness is all too real though, and sometimes there are blackouts, but some people actually like those. Take care, girl.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I have such a hard time with making the leap from acquaintance to friend. I remember when I was in college, getting to know a group of girls in a few of my classes. I thought everything was going along great, and I was getting proud of myself for almost making friends. Then I found out that the other girls had already exchanged phone numbers and hung out together outside of school multiple times. No one asked for my number... I'm 100% sure I don't smell funny ::, so I don't know what it is that keeps people away.

This seems to happen to me a lot too. I wish I knew what it is that I'm doing to make people not like me. I always try to be friendly when meeting new people, but after a while they seem turned off by me. Maybe I try too hard? Maybe it's because I'm not super attractive? Wish someone would tell me! I've become very resentful towards people who I've know for a long time and thought were "friends" because it seems like they only want to do stuff when they don't have something "better" to do. I don't have any close friends anymore, which makes me sad. Maybe I expect too much from people, but it would be nice to have a "best friend". I started a new job a few months ago and there are a few other new people who were hired around the same time. They text and are FB friends with others who have worked there for a while, but I'm not included. One gal that I seemed to be making friends with asked for my phone number but hasn't ever called. She's now becoming friends with a lot of people at work and I suspect will never call1

 

[KnuffleBunny]

My problem is finding the desire to make and keep friends. I'm a friendly person and people can be kind of drawn to me, but I've had so many people just leave me that I've kind of given up on making any more friends. I'm sick of being left behind and it hurts too much to have people leave you. So I decided a while back never to make another real friend again. Lately though I've begun taking things to extremes, such as avoiding people altogether and it's making me feel even worse; I'm starting to miss interaction like that but am kind of fighting with myself about avoiding or trying to start again. One side says I need friends and the other side says there's no point in friends except to fulfill my social needs. I'm trying to do something with people and am waiting for them to accept now, so, we'll see I guess.

 

[MikeyC]

My problem is finding the desire to make and keep friends. I'm a friendly person and people can be kind of drawn to me, but I've had so many people just leave me that I've kind of given up on making any more friends. I'm sick of being left behind and it hurts too much to have people leave you. So I decided a while back never to make another real friend again. Lately though I've begun taking things to extremes, such as avoiding people altogether and it's making me feel even worse; I'm starting to miss interaction like that but am kind of fighting with myself about avoiding or trying to start again. One side says I need friends and the other side says there's no point in friends except to fulfill my social needs. I'm trying to do something with people and am waiting for them to accept now, so, we'll see I guess.

Yes, you do need the desire to have friends, I suppose. You did go to an extreme level by not associating with anyone but it's not too late to change, as you have pointed out.

Like you, I'm in two minds a lot whether to be social or not. It's not good.

 

[KnuffleBunny]

Yes, you do need the desire to have friends, I suppose. You did go to an extreme level by not associating with anyone but it's not too late to change, as you have pointed out.

Like you, I'm in two minds a lot whether to be social or not. It's not good.

Yeah, I know I'm doing wrong by rejecting everyone but I'm just having the hard issue about finding the point. Or is maybe I need to just ignore the point and do it anyway. I just don't want to give people a chance anymore, it's hard.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, I know I'm doing wrong by rejecting everyone but I'm just having the hard issue about finding the point. Or is maybe I need to just ignore the point and do it anyway. I just don't want to give people a chance anymore, it's hard.

I understand it's hard. I sometimes have the same trouble. Stick with it and hopefully you'll push through the other side.

 

[bsammy]

i find it easy to make new friends but keeping them is impossible for me.id say about 98% of the time i find no reason to socialize..all of my social interactions need to be based around a game or activity or else i will quickly get bored, tired and just want to leave.the satisfaction or enjoyment most normal people get out of socializing is absent for me.i also realize that living life as a complete hermit isnt satisfying either.i have been more social the past week than i have in a long time and i also realize that it doesnt do much for me, doesnt make me any happier or more fulfilled..maybe its because i realize relationships/friendships could never last with me thus its pointless to start them in the first place?im not sure..

but yes im torn both ways, i feel the need to socialize(society tells us this basically) but when i do socialize i dont enjoy it much at all..so what should i(we) do?

 

[9407]

Meh, it's only hard for me if the other person is also shy. If I'm one-on-one with a talkative non-shy person than it's not so bad.