HOW TO SOCIALIZE/HAVE A CONVERSATION (with people,its long)

[bannerwave]

One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue. And instead of using these boards to fix it they use it to reassure themselves that its ok to be like that (not saying its wrong to be shy but it IS wrong to live a life that you do not want to live). Im sorry for my tone but this is reality.

So take it or leave it. If your not open minded and overly sensitive then close the page because your most likely not going to change.

First let me tell you a bit about my story

ive was a loser my whole life and depressed and at one point attempted suicide.
i had buck teeth (got braces so now im good) and i was short (still short 5'4) and overall pathetic
i stuttered a lot and couldnt hold a conversation to save my life
i never had a girlfriend and i lost my virginity to a prostitute (i somehow dont regret that)
not trying to make this a competition but just trying to let you know where im coming from.

over the last few years i completely turned my life around. i got a solid circle of good friends, i got swole and consciously made myself better looking, and have more girls that i know what to do with

this was one of the major pieces of advice(along with many many many others) that helped me changed
all i wanted to do was pass it on and hope it changes someones elses life. because i would have given anything to have seen a post like this a few years back

Soooo lets dive right into it...

i think it's ironic how people at a social anxiety forum ask for tips for socializing from other people that have social anxiety. its like the blind leading the blind.*

lol i don't mean to offend anyone but if irony were strawberries we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies.*

So the first thing everyone asks is.
WTF DO I TALK ABOUT?

Well what do YOU like to talk about?
If something doesn’t interest you or you don’t know much about it you will hardly be able to hold a conversation

So take a piece of paper, and write down 10 topics you like to talk about or have opinions about


FOR EXAMPLE FOR ME WHAT SEEMS TO COME UP A LOT: (in MY conversation yours topics will be different)

Alcohol (times you've gotten drunk, funny antics)
Drugs (my favorite topic)
School/College (professors, prom, majors, theres a lot to talk about here)
Traveling (places you’ve been, things you've done)
Work (people, customers, weird expeirnces)
Public transportation (how ****ty it is, funny stories)
Video games
Trashy reality show's
Your city/town (compare different parts, )
Tattoo's/piercing
TV shows.
Computers (apple vs windows)
West cost vs east coast.
Different type of people (emo, preppy, ghetto)
Psychology (how different people think)
Relationships
Phones (android vs iphone)
Stores/shopping
Music (popular music relates to most people)
Sex
Police (mainly stories about the police)
Difference between guys and girls
Cars (or your experience with cars/driving)
Politics (occupy wallstreet is common topics)
Boy drama (even if its not yours)
Girl drama (even if its not yours)

Also write down any funny stories that’s happened to you or that you've heard.
Everyone likes to laugh.

So you have your 10 topics
Now write what you think about each topic and your experiences with it or any interesting things/stories you can think of.

I'll wait………..
…………..
……...
….


BTW I DO NOT RECOMMEND RELAYING ON SCRIPTS ITS JUST HELPS TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN SO YOU HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT YOUR OPINION IS ON EVERYTHING!!

I REPEAT DO NOT TRY TO JUST MEMORIZE EVERYTTHING

First, you know your good subjects. Everyone has subjects that they're good at talking about, and subjects that they're bad at talking about. For me, personally, I'm good at talking about psychology, I'm good at talking about traveling, I'm good at talking about food, I'm good at talking about reality TV. I'm bad at talking about popular music, I'm bad at talking about politics, and I’m bad at talking about current movies and stuff like that. So I know what I want to talk about. I know I want to get into my good subjects and avoid my bad subjects, which brings us to our next piece.

Know how to transition. Knowing how to transition is really, really important. It's probably the most important skill when it comes to not running out of things to say, and in general, there are a few ways to transition, but don’t be afraid to just transition without a tangible link. Don’t be afraid to use a non sequitur transition, but make sure that you keep moving from subject to subject. That’s a big part of not running out of things to say— not staying on one subject because generally when you stay on one subject, eventually you're going to exhaust it. And by the time the subject is exhausted, it's too late to move on, and you don’t really have a chance to move forward because now the conversation is over

Sooo the three ways to transition are

-questions
-phrasal transtions
-observations


Realize that theses are mostly ways to talk about YOURSELF but you'll find out a lot of information about the other person because humans relay on the law of reciprocity.

Let me explain (explanation stolen from sinn)

The law of reciprocity basically states that because humans are not well equipped to survive in the world, meaning that we don’t have claws, or fangs, or anything like that, we had to become social animals. We had to bond together in order to build cities, in order to be safe from saber tooth tigers, etc.What happened was, human beings have psychologically become programmed with something called the law of reciprocity, which basically states that if you do something for someone first — if you give someone some information, if you give someone a gift, if buy someone a drink— they are going to be more likely to give something back to you. And the reason is—it's pretty simple. If someone does something for us, that is a good sign that they have our best interest at heart, which is going to make us more inclined to do stuff for them. If someone just tries to take, and take, and take, then we don’t like that.

So that’s why if you give information about yourself , they will give information about themselves.
OMG I THINKS THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL SOCIALIZING. And that’s also why IF YOU DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE THEY WONT TALK TO YOU.

Anyways I digress

Lets talk about transitioning through topics

QUESTIONS-----
Questions are a viable way of bringing up topics
The thing is when you ask a question about something you want to know why your asking it.
For example if I wanted to talk about the college I go to I would say:

What school do you go to?
They respond.
Oo cool I got to xx. Its actually a good school but theres a lot of crackheads and potheads, one time….

Then your on the topic of school/potheads

Hey have you ever been to california?
They respond
I just recently took a trip over there and its like the funnest place ive been, we drove all the ….

Now your talking about traveling/california

You can make any questions into statement if you scared of people thinking you weird for asking them questions. (which they wont.)

Like instead of

Do you have tattoos?
You say
"You seem like you have tattoos"
BOOM! Your talking about tattoos

That’s all for questions



Second way to tranistions

PHRASAL TRANSITIONS-------

Second form of transition that’s really, really powerful — transition phases. A transition phrase just links one subject to another. It's just like, “Check this out—oh, my God, the craziest thing happened, I have to tell you about this!” They are usually simple, and no one is ever going to say, “Wait, you were talking about your mom's girlfriend's sister needing a dog, and now we are talking about New York, that’s not logical.” No one calls you out on these things.The whole point of a transition phase is to just quickly and easily transition from one subject to another without having to do a lot. They're really easy to use

Some are

Hey check this out …
Omg I have to tell you about…
Youll never believe what happened….
I have to tell you about when...
etc

Theres easy to use and are perfect when theres a pause or ackward silence
The key here is just to blurt them out


Third way

OBSERVATIONS-----

Use things in the enviorment to change the subject.
Pretty simple

That drink reminds me of when I…
You tottally remind me of..
This garage reminds me of when I was a kid and ….
The girl looks like…

Also pay attention to what the people say because you can always use something they said to move to another topic. Know what to pay attention to. You will want to know what to pay attention to when you're talking to people. You will want to pay attention to their body language. Are they crossing their arms? Are they paying attention to you? Facing you? Are they contributing to the conversation? Are you boring them? If they seem bored, change subjects. Be aware of what's going on. Don’t just be a one-way street.




YOU ALSO WANT TO TRANSITION SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE THAT WAY YOU CAN AVOID ACKWARD SILENCES

HAVE A DEFAULT WAY TO START A CONVERSATION


With people you know you can just start talking
If it’s a group of strangers you might be nervous.

If it’s a group you can say,
Hey my friends are being boring so I wanted to come over here to meet you guys, im xx…transition

If it’s a party, or gathering you can always be like
Hey I don’t think we've met, im bobby…then transtition

You can also ask opinion
Hey I need a girl's (or guys) opinion, who do you think lies more men or woman?
Hey I I need your opinoin, do you think drunk "I love you's" count?



BUT REMEMER TO TRANSITION RIGHT AWAY AS MORE THAN LIKELY PEOPLE WILL NOT KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. BUT YOU WILL!!!!
Also don’t try to milk each topic for all its worth because you can always come back to it.
Ex: hey remember how we were talking about how girls lie more, well check this out...

EXPECT TO DO MOST OF THE TALKING AT LEAST FOR THE FIRST 5 MINUTES WITH STRANGERS. THEN THE LAW OF RECIPROCITY KICKS IN AN PEOPLE OPEN UP MORE!!


OK THE LAST PIECE OF ADVICE.
MAKE AN ACRONYM

Acronyms are great for when your head is fuzzy and cant think of what to say.
Its simple its basically a word where each letter stands for a subject
You don’t want to make them too long though
FOR EXAMPLE my acronym is PATS

P- psychology
A-alchohol
T-traveling
S-school

Make them your favorite subjects too so its easier.

I KNOW SOMONE IS GOING TO SAY "BUT I DON’T KNOW ANY TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT I DON’T DO ANYTHING"

BULLSH!T

Do you have a pet?
Where do you work? (talk about your job, the cool parts and funny stories)
How is your family like? (dysfunctional? Funny? )
Do you have/know any little kids? (little kids are priceless and lot of people can relate)
What music do you listen to?
What are your hobbies?
What city do you live in?
What school do you go to?
What weird situations have you gotten in?
Have you traveled?
Been anywhere interesting?
Do you do any sports?
What do you watch on tv?
What video games do you play?
etc

Everyone has something to talk about
The problem is putting them in words



last piece of advice is KEEP A JOURNAL
Write down your experiences using this
So you can adjust as time goes by
It helps you realize where you need improvement

Hope you guys use this because it took me forever to write this all down

Enjoy!


-banner

 

[coyote]

 

[bannerwave]

lol thanks i put a lot of effort into this.

the thing that sucks is that i know that a lot of poeple that can use this will just look how long it is and just exit right away

 

[hoddesdon]

I did read it right through and have subscribed to the thread.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

With a coyote rep I will be sure to make it through this sometime. Normally I don't like the idea of having a pre-determined idea of what to say, but that could be why I'm silent most of the time too. Plus I can see how a main topic is not necessarily a planned out conversation. I haven't learned a lot about conversations, but I have learned that if you can get one started it can veer in any direction at any time, and that can be taken advantage of. Perhaps this will help me do that sometime. It's surely worth a try at least.

5 minutes seems like a long ass time to be unsure of myself though...

 

[bannerwave]

With a coyote rep I will be sure to make it through this sometime. Normally I don't like the idea of having a pre-determined idea of what to say, but that could be why I'm silent most of the time too. Plus I can see how a main topic is not necessarily a planned out conversation. I haven't learned a lot about conversations, but I have learned that if you can get one started it can veer in any direction at any time, and that can be taken advantage of. Perhaps this will help me do that sometime. It's surely worth a try at least.

5 minutes seems like a long ass time to be unsure of myself though...

yea but dont think your going to be talking like a monologue straight through. people will generally open up pretty soon. i just mean to EXPECT to do most of the talking just so your prepared.

and once you try this and have a couple of extended conversation it will feel more and more natural

i really hope this helps a lot of people because i know it helped me

 

[*Amy*]

Thanks bannerwave, really nice and interesting thread I'll use your advice whenever I can.

 

[KiaKaha]

Good stuff. I read the whole thing too. I was thinking of starting a thread similar to this with tips on the HOWS of socializing. Its not easy..and I will be the first to admit it. Cheers.

The law of reciprocity basically states that because humans are not well equipped to survive in the world, meaning that we don’t have claws, or fangs, or anything like that, we had to become social animals. We had to bond together in order to build cities, in order to be safe from saber tooth tigers, etc.What happened was, human beings have psychologically become programmed with something called the law of reciprocity, which basically states that if you do something for someone first — if you give someone some information, if you give someone a gift, if buy someone a drink— they are going to be more likely to give something back to you. And the reason is—it's pretty simple. If someone does something for us, that is a good sign that they have our best interest at heart, which is going to make us more inclined to do stuff for them. If someone just tries to take, and take, and take, then we don’t like that.

So that’s why if you give information about yourself , they will give information about themselves.
OMG I THINKS THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL SOCIALIZING. And that’s also why IF YOU DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE THEY WONT TALK TO YOU.

I think this is important. And its something that I have noticed. I dont think people are naturally forthcoming (unless you happy to be super confident and friendly). The first move has to come from somewhere. A friendly gesture speaks volumes and paves the way to socialization.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I have read many similar posts throughout the years via blogs and books. The information is always good and it makes complete sense, but when it comes to actually applying it to my everyday life, well, it gets a little difficult. I feel that if I were to read these things everyday maybe it might stick. But I always forget to or get too lazy to do it. I am always taking notes...but I forget to reread them and practice what I learn.

The more I am exposed to this information though, the more it gets stuck in my head. So I won't stop reading, and I won't stop taking notes. Eventually the stuff does click.

I have not read through your whole post 'cause it is late but I have marked it and will read it later

And also, I don't come on this forum for tips really. I come here more for the support. It is nice to not feel alone. It is the blind leading the blind. Perhaps you can lead the way now that you are doing well and continue posting here?

 

[Ms Cloud]

( deleted )

 

[Kiwong]

Ripper post bannerwave.

My list of conversation topics would be a lot different to yours.

 

[Niteowl]

Thanks for taking the time and effort to share this, bannerwave.

I've never really thought about this law of reciprocity, though it makes perfect sense.

 

[Waybuloo]

Hey it's great that your strategy helped you. What you said makes socialisation look like hard work though. Is this what normal people have to deal with? I wonder if it just naturally occurs to them so it's no longer hard work, or that they've practiced for so long they are willing to put up with it as a means to an end. What I'm more concerned about is physical anxiety symptoms scaring people away. Do you have any advice on dealing with that? Often the mind blank keeps me away from using any strategies anyway, and I see people fidgeting or looking away as they want to get away from the source of their discomfort.

 

[coyote]

....I wonder if it just naturally occurs to them so it's no longer hard work....

i think this is true

many people start this process when they're toddlers

so it makes sense that for those of us who haven't had much practice, we'll feel uncomfortable and unsure of ourselves - just like we did when we first learned to walk

but that's ok - we have to start somewhere

the more we do it, the better and more comfortable we become at it

 

[Waybuloo]

i think this is true

many people start this process when they're toddlers

so it makes sense that for those of us who haven't had much practice, we'll feel uncomfortable and unsure of ourselves - just like we did when we first learned to walk

but that's ok - we have to start somewhere

the more we do it, the better and more comfortable we become at it

Yeah they sure had a head start, driving by in cars whilst we walk to the never ending finish line. I think what we feel is a combination of feeling unsure, the unknown, and having low self confidence. I refer to people who have had a life long difficulty with this issue. Practice and confidence become the chicken and the egg, for the better.

 

[mikebird]

Try calling Eminem to organise a meeting, and see what he's like to have a chat with...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Yeah they sure had a head start, driving by in cars whilst we walk to the never ending finish line. I think what we feel is a combination of feeling unsure, the unknown, and having low self confidence. I refer to people who have had a life long difficulty with this issue. Practice and confidence become the chicken and the egg, for the better.

After decades of careful study and practice, I think at this point I might have the social skills of the average high school freshman. Without the typical confidence or general disregard for consequences. At least I'm moving in the right direction, right?

 

[bannerwave]

Hey it's great that your strategy helped you. What you said makes socialisation look like hard work though. Is this what normal people have to deal with? I wonder if it just naturally occurs to them so it's no longer hard work, or that they've practiced for so long they are willing to put up with it as a means to an end. What I'm more concerned about is physical anxiety symptoms scaring people away. Do you have any advice on dealing with that? Often the mind blank keeps me away from using any strategies anyway, and I see people fidgeting or looking away as they want to get away from the source of their discomfort.

YES normal people do not really have deal with any social anxiety. everything comes natural to them. they can get a multiple girlfriends (although even most normal people are bad with girls) and if most normal people saw this advice they would be like, "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU JUST GO OUT AND TALK TO PEOPLE DUMBAZZ"

but obviously that doenst work. which mean we have to work harder in order to improve.

just like people who are naturally athletic. if you arent naturally athletic and want to be on the level of the athlete you will have to work HARDER than normal people.

and yea it is a lot of work. and i will be the first to admit that it seems a bit robotic. but i have always been an extremely logical person (many here are) and for everything i do i need a STEP by STEP process in order to accomplish it. so this really helped me

and yea ur right about the anxiety making it so you cant even implement any techniques. i did not address that at all even though that's a big piece of the puzzle. i will probably right a thread on that to compliment this one.

 

[Bo592]

Thank you bannerwave, I am going to reread this over and over because I must confess I probity one of those people your talking about that keep on threading about how to socialize. Your technique at first sound a lot like starting a journal. I was wanting to know do you recommend for us to start a journal ?

 

[Flyingheart]

Hear ye hear ye.