Why I do not want many friends.

[nicole1]

I have a friend... I met her in class. She's very nice and I'm happy that someone wants to hang out with me and is interested in being my friend despite my social quirks.

The big but in this situation is that I don't want to hang out with her. I love being alone. Spending time with people isn't always at the top of my list of things I like to do for fun.

Tomorrow, she wants to go to a sushi place (I hate eating in restaurants) and to just hang out. I've seen her twice this week and I feel that that's enough. I love being alone. Especially on weekends. She even said that she feels I avoid her on weekends. I like to do nothing on weekends but enjoy myself.

The trouble is, I have no idea how to say no with out being rude. I'm sure I'll get around to telling her the truth but...by then it'll be even worse.

This whole thing makes me uncomfortable. :: Like now, I'm worried about tomorrow and I am thinking of excuses and ways to get out of it, like cutting class. Is this what friendship is?

 

[MikeyC]

Friendship is making sacrifices. Yeah, you like your alone-time, as do I, but sometimes we have to do things with our friends that we don't enjoy as much as they do. That's just how it is.

This friend of yours obviously loves your company and wants to spend some quality time with you. You can still have your alone time but also make time for her. Who knows - you may enjoy it more than you think!

 

[Error]

I'm just like you.

I ended up with very few friends, and after college, I gradually lost contact with them. But I feel better this way (I think). The stress of going out is even worse.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I feel the same way... and ended up losing all my friends because I avoided them. Unfortunately others seem to expect more out of friendship than people like 'us' do and the problem with this situation is that people probably won't understand why you like being alone and end up thinking that you just don't like them. It's hard, but you're going to have to decide whether you value your friendship with her more than your alone time or vice versa.

 

[Ms Cloud]

This whole thing makes me uncomfortable. :: Like now, I'm worried about tomorrow and I am thinking of excuses and ways to get out of it, like cutting class. Is this what friendship is?

I don't think so... friendship is when you enjoy spending time with another person, and vice versa, while at the same time respecting that person's boundaries, and vice versa. The person you describe seems to enjoy your company, but she's not respecting your boundaries at all. It could be because she doesn't know what they are yet (you have to tell her), or it could also be that she's an overbearing, pushy individual (people like that are not exactly rare). Once you find out which it is, you'll know what to do.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I'm very open about my tendency to avoid people and my need for a large amount of alone time. That probably helps it feel less personal. My friends don't exactly approve, but they know it's not going to change, and they deal with it.

 

[Acegame]

Friends will ditch you when you're not interesting enough anymore. I always feel the pressure of having to be interesting.

I had a friend who i knew since i was born almost, and we used to be always together. At some point i became socially anxious and started to avoid things. Scared to go out, scared to meet new people, etc. So basically i wasn't much fun to be around anymore and eventually the friendship slowly died. This proces is just very painfull. Especially when its someone you were good friends with for so long.

This happend to all my friends. Eventually you don't see the fun in making new friends anymore because it ends in pain. And you feel guilty, because you know you are the reason why the friendship broke down. I don't blame any of them because i understand.

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

I have 2 friends in the realm of the real world. I see them maybe once a week. I struggle with interaction with them because I tend to not know what to say when I am around them. They talk about their week and I have nothing to say about my week except 'Yeah, I stayed in and did squat'.

 

[Feathers]

I don't think so... friendship is when you enjoy spending time with another person, and vice versa, while at the same time respecting that person's boundaries, and vice versa. The person you describe seems to enjoy your company, but she's not respecting your boundaries at all. It could be because she doesn't know what they are yet (you have to tell her), or it could also be that she's an overbearing, pushy individual (people like that are not exactly rare). Once you find out which it is, you'll know what to do.

This, pretty much. People have different energy levels and different wishes for time alone/with others... Also, different interests (I probably wouldn't dare to go to a sushi place either lol). You could tell her you're busy and already have plans (don't have to tell her what, even if you're just planning to read a book alone, you can just say it and then, 'Oh, gotta go to the library' or something and leave..) Or that you don't like going to restaurants and that you'd be happy to go for a cup of tea next week (or something what you're okay with doing).
You could also just say you get exhausted on weekends and need some time alone (if it's true). You might also consider if eg 1 weekend a month you could actually go out with this person, and/or others...

If she's the sort of person who'd bug you all day, you could tell her 'We'll talk about this after class' and then tell her and then leave...

A true friend won't make you do something you really don't want to do, or if you're really tired... they may 'push' a little, but eventually they can find new friends to hang out on weekends etc too... Are you her only friend? Then maybe you can help her get to know some other people, so you can leave them to hang out sometimes, and it's not all on 'you'... Do you have a friend or cousin or relative she might get along with well?

Some people may not have many friends and can be a bit 'clingy' then... Even if they mean well and just think you're 'fab'!! (Beware any jealousy outbursts though, if you do start to hang out with more people, or introduce them to each other.. But it can actually be more relaxing than just being with one person all the time...)

Overcoming boundaries and doing SOME things one doesn't like can actually be good 'exposure therapy', depending it's what YOU wish too!!

Some friends of mine are really great but I find it exhausting to be around them much, cause they just have so much energy or talk all the time or have very different interests/views/preferred discussion topics etc. I still like them, but we just don't hang out that much, and I need time to 'recuperate' then hehe..

I like having many friends, so I can talk to them about different topics or talk to others if one or two are busy... At uni, someone told me she had 'party friends' and 'friends to talk to' etc. Maybe your friend wishes 'weekend' or 'party friend/s' and you're okay with being just 'talking/jogging/school' friends...? It's up to you to decide, you can be together in one or more different contexts...

Acegame, I'm sure you're interesting!! Maybe those friends just weren't interested in the same things you are? People find VERY different things 'interesting'! After school many drift apart, just because of having different interests and different lives... You can meet new people who are more 'on your wavelength' though!!

 

[da_illest101]

You never know maybe she will accept it, all my friends did. Except for those at school I rarely see the others. I chat with them and talk on the phone, but we don't hang out and it works well. I haven't seen my best friend since summer and I only saw him by pure randomness. Before that I didn't saw him for like 2 years and we live in the same city lol. Yet we been friends for 17 years.

 

[KevVversion1]

Oh god what a horror story, reminds me why I dont have "freinds" ... she seems way too clingy for you, you need a friend that is just casual and doesnt pressure you to do all this stuff, I'm guessing there was no "It's okay if you dont want to, just thought I would ask?" and was more along the lines "We gotta go do this, pleeeease" grrrrrrrrrrr in my honest opinion she is the wrong kind of person for you to hang out with, she needs somebody different and so so you.

 

[twiggle]

Friendship is making sacrifices. Yeah, you like your alone-time, as do I, but sometimes we have to do things with our friends that we don't enjoy as much as they do. That's just how it is.

This friend of yours obviously loves your company and wants to spend some quality time with you. You can still have your alone time but also make time for her. Who knows - you may enjoy it more than you think!

I agree with this.

There's no shame in wanting to spend time alone. I think there are a lot of us like that, myself included, who enjoy having friends but also need our time to be online and not have to go anywhere and talk. However, to a lot of people this might seem like a strange concept and they may not be able to understand why we feel this way.

Your new friend sounds very sweet and it sounds like by inviting you to places she is trying to reach out to you. Seriously, treasure that - a lot of people will give up making invitations if they're never accepted. I say give this girl a chance and as MikeyC suggests, you may enjoy it more than you think. If you don't, you don't, but at least you won't have to carry around the guilt of refusing an invitation.

Also - the more you get to know this girl, the more she'll get to understand you and realise you want some time alone and hopefully by that point she'll value your friendship enough to want to keep it and so will accept that you need your time alone.

All friendships need to start from somewhere and it takes time before our new friends can get to understand us truly, but it's definitely worth a chance.

 

[Luka]

Me too... I think I'm gradually disconnecting myself from my friends. I think if you want to save the friendship then you should either tell her about your SA or just go out with her on weekends sometimes. Sorry it's not much advice.