Emotional dependency

[MollyBeGood]

I know its a ****ed up thing to say, but i find that kind of...romantic.

it's romantic till they break your heart. Then you have nothing left in the world to live for, so not so romantic....

 

[Falkor]

+1 good post, I like your point of view, makes a lot of sense.

Here's my story, about this horrible yet great feeling it sure is - I used to be really attached to people.
Especially my family, of course it is the most beautiful thing to have an amazing bond and talk about everything, something I would never regret.
I'm very thankful that I can feel this way around my family, feeling so proud of having them and feel care to give and return, and feel the joy of love.

though, to stand on your own feet and be independent is the strength you need to carry on, and be proud of yourself without people telling ya.
we really have to take care of ourselfes, without need to know what other's think ; typical clue - SA.

Friendship also kept me busy, I used to have a few best friends, hang out with them a lot, I lost the contact, I felt like I had nothing left to live for.
Why did I say this? There's so much left in the world to offer.

It's not all about this. Even though we feel so connected, of course it is beautiful! It's also beautiful to have self-respect and I think a 'lone trip vacation on your own' would be the perfect solution - Self time = being your own friend, you know yourself the best. oh and you can feel more strength by carrying on, on your own feet.

Love, oh love, that's a difficult part. :: My first crush, oh god how much I was drained by my lost love, remembering all the songs I wrote for her Also, my first girlfriend, and the ex's. Heart broken and painful histories, still beautiful times to remember, I couldn't think of, before, because it hurted like a sledgehammer, now I can just look at them like a good old time, but I used to be so attached, that I couldn't think of anything else, wanted to talk to them asmap, but hey, isn't that great, if you can be so close to someone who can truly listen and you can share the most wonderful things?

Nothing wrong about it, no doubt ;] but remember, it will hurt if you lose it, so try to find the strength in yourself, to only make this feeling feel less painful, to be proud of yourself, the friend in you

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Awesome post. I'm truly sorry to hear that you had to endure so much in life.

Personally I think I am very emotionally dependent, especially towards my mother. She's the only family I have left - my father died when I was 7, my grandmother died a year and a half ago, and my mom is all I have left. Me and her have sort of strange relationship. She's always happy and joking childishly about everything while I'm the Scrooge of the household and take things more maturely and seriously than she does, which is funny because I'm the teen and she's the adult ::

Besides that, me and her get along like sisters and have a very good relationship even though we don't always see eye to eye and get into little squabbles over the dumbest things. A year after my father died, she was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and I became fearful that she was going to die and I would be an orphan (my grandmother wouldn't have been able to care for me because she was schizophrenic and probably would have had a nervous breakdown if my mother had died). Thankfully God was merciful and saved her but ever since then I've had that inner fear that she might have a recurrence of cancer and die. I try hard to be nice to her when she comes home from work as not to stress her out anymore than she already is but because I have such a dark and sarcastic sense of humor and dark personality overall I sometimes bring her down without meaning to and end up ruining her day.

I'm always kicking myself in the a** because I feel like I always stress her out and that one day (God forbid) she'll get so stressed out with work and all my emotionally unstable crap that she'll get cancer again and die. She's all I have left and I feel like that if something happens to her I'll lose all hope and be unable to care for myself. Not to sound like an overdependent leech or anything but if that day should ever come, I really hope I have a reliable boyfriend who will stay by my side, not leave me behind for another girl like most of my ex's have, and give me hope.

Gosh I feel really terrible for saying that. I know it's true though. I'm pretty hopeless.

 

[AutonomousAutomaton]

It's OK, I like bondage.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

Great post.It made me cry......I was emotinally dependent on one person for many years but when that person left I felt as if I couldn't survive,I was depressed for such a long time & I remember wanting that person back so bad.But finally when I pulled myself together a little I decided that I'm not gonna be emotionally dependent on anyone anymore.Its hard to do though cos I tend to do this always.

*High five*

Stay strong, it's tough as hell but we've learnt our lesson the hard way .

I have to say I am guilty too. I would say I am dependant on my boyfriend, and I sometimes worry that if something happened to him (like fall terminally ill, or die) I wouldn't be able to cope, or at least I would find it extremely difficult to cope. Being apart from him is something I don't like thinking about.

Maybe it's something you should start thinking about : /...

I don't want to be intrussive, but you're exactly the kind of people this post is aimed to. I know it's easy to say and very hard to do to, I just hope all of our experiencies may give you and others in the same situation some guidance so that you can avoid disaster.

With me, its partially because we are SO intertwined. we do EVERYTHING together, all the same hobbies. basically anything i would be doing would be somthing she would have been doing with me and if would have reminded me of her.

i just count my blessings that i found someone as amazing as her.

She went to Israel for a month on a uni trip, and man, that had to be the LONGEST, and TOUGHEST month of my life. We had the timing figured out so she would call me and wake me up for work, the first thing i would hear in the day was her voice and that made things better. But i would get so lonely, sometimes i would call her cellphone just to hear her voice on her recording for messages, that also soothed the pain a bit.

But it was when she was gone that i decided "im gonna marry this girl!". And weve both agreed t hat if a trip like that happens again, we either both go, or we both stay. But we wont be apart again.

Some may call it unhealthy, but hey, we have an unfair disadvantage in life, and to my way of thinking, if this makes it easier to function, then why not?.

I think the real problem with dependency is that it has to end lol.

That girl told me something a few months back, along the lines of:

"I loved you, I cared about you and I understand how you feel. But we're not married, we don't have children, and our bond has broken, we've parted ways."

I hated those words, but I knew she was right.

In your case, she's you wife and your marriage seems really strong if you share so many things, your bond seems to go far beyond what most people have . The truth is that having such a person in your life is like being in the top of the world, the problem is that when you fall the higher you were, the harder you'll crash.

But being pragmatic, if you end up enjoying many decades of happiness with her and just have to separate from her when you 70+, if at all, then who cares?

Sure, there are far healthier and "better" ways to live, but we're not models of perfection, just humans searching for our own personal happiness. And if you find it that way and you're willing to take the risk that comes with it (the problem, I think, is that most people aren't aware of the risk), then that's the right choice.

But some parts of it sound like all emotional dependency is bad...

I think it's healthy to be emotionally dependant on people. Agreed that it's not good to be dependant on just on one person, because they might go away for whatever reason. But I think if we didn't let ourselves rely on other people emotionally, we wouldn't be able to form close relationships with them. And then we would miss out on so much.

I think we all need an emotional support system, made up of close friends, parents, romantic partner, etc.

This system for most people might be formed by some 5-10 people. True depedency is when all of those people are condensed in just one for you.

For me she was mas the girl I loved, my best and only true friend, my confident, the only one that understood me and even like a second mother to me, as bizarre as that sounds, so losing her felt like losing all my friends, my mother, my partner, my girlfriend, all at once.

Losing someone close to you is hard, losing EVERYONE who is close to you is a disaster. That is the problem with dependency, because while it's unlikely to lose 5-10 people all at the same time, it's much more possible to lose just that one person.

Love, oh love, that's a difficult part. :: My first crush, oh god how much I was drained by my lost love, remembering all the songs I wrote for her Also, my first girlfriend, and the ex's. Heart broken and painful histories, still beautiful times to remember, I couldn't think of, before, because it hurted like a sledgehammer, now I can just look at them like a good old time, but I used to be so attached, that I couldn't think of anything else, wanted to talk to them asmap, but hey, isn't that great, if you can be so close to someone who can truly listen and you can share the most wonderful things?

Great words .

I think this is the one thing I forgot to include in the post.

I sure as hell hate all that I had to go through emotionally, it was terrible for me and for no reason would I ever want to feel like that again.

But time passes, pain slowly fades and wounds heal. I still need some more time, but even now I can appreciatte also the good side, all the things that I felt for her, all the things we shared, all that she gave me. Even now I'm holding the stuffed animal that she gave me (a little lion, she named it Schierke for me, quite a nice fellow ; 3).

This doesn't really means that dependency is good... It isn't in most cases, but from every experience you learn things, you grow and later in life you can see the beauty in everything, even in disasters.

Besides that, me and her get along like sisters and have a very good relationship even though we don't always see eye to eye and get into little squabbles over the dumbest things. A year after my father died, she was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and I became fearful that she was going to die and I would be an orphan (my grandmother wouldn't have been able to care for me because she was schizophrenic and probably would have had a nervous breakdown if my mother had died). Thankfully God was merciful and saved her but ever since then I've had that inner fear that she might have a recurrence of cancer and die. I try hard to be nice to her when she comes home from work as not to stress her out anymore than she already is but because I have such a dark and sarcastic sense of humor and dark personality overall I sometimes bring her down without meaning to and end up ruining her day.

I'm always kicking myself in the a** because I feel like I always stress her out and that one day (God forbid) she'll get so stressed out with work and all my emotionally unstable crap that she'll get cancer again and die. She's all I have left and I feel like that if something happens to her I'll lose all hope and be unable to care for myself. Not to sound like an overdependent leech or anything but if that day should ever come, I really hope I have a reliable boyfriend who will stay by my side, not leave me behind for another girl like most of my ex's have, and give me hope.

Gosh I feel really terrible for saying that. I know it's true though. I'm pretty hopeless.

Sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she stays healthy for many more years.

I don't think that you should blame yourself so much, you have an illness that you can't just magically wish away, but the fact that you think about your mother's welfare shows that you're a good and decent person.

And it's ok to be afraid about possibly being alone, I think most of us around here feel the same, and we all wish for someone that can give us hope and the strength to face life.

I honestly hope you find one specimen of that rare breed of good men, but you're clearly a smart girl, I'm positive that you'll pull ahead in life even if you don't find him.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Oh, yes- I was... and as someone else said; "It's romantic until they break your heart."

I counted on him to be there in order for me to live; in order for me to live with my agoraphobia and still be functioning, and still have a life.
We were friends for 3 years before we started dating-- then dated for 8.
He was my entire world. I gave up so many opportunities because he didn't want me to go and I did everything according to what he wanted. I could have gone anyways but I couldn't live knowing that I wouldn't have him there to hold my hand.
I missed out on college, friends, a career; all to make him happy because I needed him in order to survive.
After he broke up with me- over the phone- 1 month before the ring fitting that he wanted- I was completely broken.
For 2 years I've cried every day, every night, stayed locked in my room tortured by thoughts I'd rather forget... very dramatic, I know.

I still am trapped in my head, though.
I don't know who I am anymore and I don't think I ever really knew because for as long as I could remember, I was his- and that was all I wanted in life.
I can't leave my room, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything but wonder what I did- wonder if he hates me now- wonder if I'll ever be able to be normal.

I'm not going to find a replacement anywhere but inside of me, though.
I don't ever want to depend on someone else to love me in order for me to love myself-- although that seems impossible now; I don't want to be like this and I don't want a relationship ever again.
That relationship ending was what killed me- almost... 13 times.
But it also gave me a chance to be reborn and I'm trying my best to do things the way I want... even if I don't particularly know what I want yet.
I just have to start from scratch, I suppose... like a child.
Maybe some day I'll be able to be happy with who I am and be confident in being a person.
For now, though-- I hate myself and I'm so pathetic that I can't even move past a ****ing first/only boyfriend breakup, meanwhile- he moved on 2 weeks after breaking my heart.

Everyone is different, I suppose.
Some would rather wallow in self pity and some will fill the void with whatever they can in order to survive without looking back.

 

[dpr]

it's romantic till they break your heart. Then you have nothing left in the world to live for, so not so romantic....

Yeah that's the thing. I was (still am) emotionally dependent on my gf of 6 years who left me recently. I don't post much, so I'm sure no one remembers but I posted about it a while ago.

She was my best friend. She was the first girlfriend I never lied to. She was caring, compassionate, smart, pretty and helpful. She helped me with so much, including my SP. She put me on her drug/dental plan cuz my benefits from my sucky job suck (obviously). This helped me see a psychologist who I'm still seeing. She really cared about me getting better.

The hard part is that I *do* think it's romantic to be emotionally dependent. I think it's romantic that I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, whole world fell apart, and I don't know if I'll ever be any other way. When I love someone, I love the hell out of them. But man does it ever suck when they leave. It's like I've been on a bad acid trip minus the hallucinations. My emotions are just completely out of control. I've never felt as bad as I do now, and it's scary.

I read something about how when two people are emotionally dependent on each other, it's like two halves. Sure they make a whole. But when they split up, it becomes two halves again. So yada yada, you should be "whole" before you can genuinely love someone else.

This may not be as romantic, but I'm starting to think it is healthier.

 

[carebear12]

blahnotimportantblah

 

[emre43]

I developed an emotional dependency for my counsellor. She had to leave me three months ago and I still cry over her now.

 

[thomas90]

My advice to anyone who reads this, never EVER think that the solution to all of your problems resides in one person, because people go away, people get tired of you and people die. And what do you think is going to happen to you then?

make him or her a part of your life, but don't make them your whole life.

Your post really spoke to me!

I totally agree with everything youve said, i said to my own psychologist that i wish to fill my void of not being loved by my parents, and to find a girl to fill that space. Your right in saying that, this is wrong! I wont do this now.

 

[Illusions]

Emotional dependency can take many forms, but the bottom line is that you are seeking a sense of fulfillment from something or someone external to you. The most common form is seeking love, security, approval or appreciation from another person (maybe your partner or parent). It’s not uncommon to find a man who is emotionally dependent on a woman and seeks her presence to feel a sense of completeness in his life, or a woman who is emotionally dependent on a man to make her feel secure.

One can also be emotionally dependent on food, drugs, alcohol, money or work. Any form of dependence will eventually lead to bondage, which in turn will lead to feelings of insecurity, depression, loneliness or unworthiness. To live a happy life one must be free, this can only happen when one is able to overcome all forms of emotional dependencies. In this article we seek to give some tips on how to deal with emotional dependence.

I hate how this describes me to a T. I have a feeling part of the reason why I can be emotionally dependent is my dad. He was emotionally absent as I grew up (even today he almost feels like a stranger) so I think I'm subconsciously looking to fill that void. Er, daddy issues, I suppose? (Psychoanalysing myself, haha.)

I know it's not a good thing to excessively invest my emotions in people but I do it anyway. When they're gone, then what do I do? Fall apart? This has to stop.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

Bump.

So I talked to her today after many months, and while my feelings are far less intense and destructive than ever before, they're still there in some way.

Damn it, it's been more than two years already, when will this end?

I wish emotional dependency had a body... So I could kick it in the balls ::

 

[EscapeArtist]

good post. Never even thought about this concept. I was emotionally dependent on my best friend from 2 years ago. I find it almost impossible to overcome anything alone. Thanks for sharing your story..


Don't worry, you'll get over her. I think it's probably a good idea to keep some distance for a good long while though. It must have taken courage to talk to her, so gotta give you some kudos for overcoming any type of fear

 

[EscapeArtist]

Your post really spoke to me!

I totally agree with everything youve said, i said to my own psychologist that i wish to fill my void of not being loved by my parents, and to find a girl to fill that space. Your right in saying that, this is wrong! I wont do this now.

Good for you to have this revelation and the courage to go another direction

 

[dottie]

haven't read through the thread so idk if this has been said yet but...

humans are dependant on food.
humans are dependant on shelter.
humans are dependant on other people. AND THAT IS NOT A BAD THING. you shouldn't feel ashamed for it. just don't be a doormat and know when to cut your losses.

 

[MrJones]

^Yeah, over-depending on someone is bad, as everything is bad in excess. But also, everything can be good to some extent. We need people to live, even if we say we don't.

We have to be able to live alone, becase at time we are alone, everyone, but we also have to learn that not being alone is not a bad thing, we can live with the love of others.