I Never Get Any Attention From The Girls...

[Avery]

It's probably true that the best thing a guy can do to get girls' attention is to approach them, frequently and unashamedly. That's unfortunate for men with our 'condition,' but that's the sad reality of it.

Chalk it up to pride or cowardice, but I've never approached a girl, and can't imagine doing so. This is an odd anecdote, but about a year ago I heard some guy ask a girl out, and get shot down -- I didn't know either of them, but I cringed like all hell for the poor guy, maybe more than he did. Almost like an epiphany, it hit me then and there that I wasn't cut out for the rejection endemic in modern dating.

Romance as currently advertised and practiced is in my eyes bizarrely casual, promiscuous, and transient; I don't get it. I'm baffled at how wantonly people date, and screw, and reproduce, and marry, and divorce, and remarry. The aggregate chaos is repulsive. And it's as though to enter the fray one has to have both thick skin and low expectations, and I can't muster either.

All that aside, the only advice I can offer anyone is to learn to live happily and healthily without a partner. That's a tall order for anyone to fulfill in a culture and media-sphere saturated (paradoxically) with ideals of both true love and casual sex, but the fact of the matter is that some people will never, ever find the person they're looking for, and the shy and awkward are no strangers to that list.

 

[Sial Axetder]

It's probably true that the best thing a guy can do to get girls' attention is to approach them, frequently and unashamedly. That's unfortunate for men with our 'condition,' but that's the sad reality of it.

Chalk it up to pride or cowardice, but I've never approached a girl, and can't imagine doing so. This is an odd anecdote, but about a year ago I heard some guy ask a girl out, and get shot down -- I didn't know either of them, but I cringed like all hell for the poor guy, maybe more than he did. Almost like an epiphany, it hit me then and there that I wasn't cut out for the rejection endemic in modern dating.

Romance as currently advertised and practiced is in my eyes bizarrely casual, promiscuous, and transient; I don't get it. I'm baffled at how wantonly people date, and screw, and reproduce, and marry, and divorce, and remarry. The aggregate chaos is repulsive. And it's as though to enter the fray one has to have both thick skin and low expectations, and I can't muster either.

All that aside, the only advice I can offer anyone is to learn to live happily and healthily without a partner. That's a tall order for anyone to fulfill in a culture and media-sphere saturated (paradoxically) with ideals of both true love and casual sex, but the fact of the matter is that some people will never, ever find the person they're looking for, and the shy and awkward are no strangers to that list.

Normally I cannot muster enough attention away from distraction to read lengthy posts. Some how your wording carried well.

"I'm baffled at how wantonly people date, and screw, and reproduce, and marry, and divorce, and remarry. The aggregate chaos is repulsive." --> Not the only one.

 

[coyote]

i love chaos

 

[Felgen]

Oh, they even have Irish pubs in Saudi Arabia. Or so that's what a friend of mine who's traveled there has told me.

Actually, most of the Arab countries allow tourists to buy alcohol; the prohibition is only imposed on citizens.

 

[mismeek]

I figure it couldn't hurt to get some feedback from the fairer sex so I'll ask this. :: Would you say that it's rude to talk to a girl if she seems really focused on that book she's reading or looking for? It'd be nice to make casual eye contact and get a smile as a reply to my smile. However, that doesn't always happen and it's not because they're averting their gaze. It's just that they seem distracted by what they're doing. At least that's my observation.

I wouldn't try to chat up a girl thats sitting down in a chair reading, maybe someone thats just browsing the isles. I think you'll know if the girl is interested in talking.. if shes not she'll keep her answer short and sweet and will probably avoid eye contact.

 

[coyote]

I wouldn't try to chat up a girl thats sitting down in a chair reading, maybe someone thats just browsing the isles. I think you'll know if the girl is interested in talking.. if shes not she'll keep her answer short and sweet and will probably avoid eye contact.

I would probably skip the LGBT aisles

 

[mismeek]

lol!!! coyote!

 

[Jannah]

2. Buy her a drink and walk away This is his favorite move! Girls expect a guy to come up to them, buy them a drink and to try to talk them out of their pants. So when you just buy her a drink (you can even go so far as buying her girlfriend one too.. thats extra points) and say "you ladies have a nice night." and walk away.. the girl will be totally caught off guard, putting the ball in your court. He says usually within ten or fifteen mins. the girl will come find you and thank you and try to strike up a conversation. Boom you got her.

I did this at a bar 2 weeks ago, I walked away and that was the last I heard of her lol I find it hilarious because that is exactly what I was expecting.

 

[mismeek]

Im sure it doesnt work ALL the time. If you had bought me a drink i would have at least hunted you down to say thank you. smh girls can be so rude.

 

[Lexus199]

I would probably skip the LGBT aisles

Words of wisdom by Coyote. I'll keep that in mind. ::

 

[Aussie_Lad]

I used to know a guy who operated on exactly this principle. He would literally work his way around a club approaching different girls. If they rebuffed him, he'd just shrug it off and move on to the next one until he found one who was interested. People who never witnessed his technique first hand would be impressed by the number of different girls he dated (just like your friend, he wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world) but that was because they only saw his successes, and never his failures.

While this approach does work, you have to be the kind of person who doesn't take rejection to heart. I think you have to have a great deal of self belief and confidence in yourself as a person, and I think a lot of guys with SA issues would find it hard to just brush off the rejections and not take them personally.

This does work and I can vouch for that, but you have to have the right frame of mind and not be socially anxious at all. A couple of xmas parties ago, I was working the room like this. I did not worry if I didn't click with someone, I would just move onto the next table and try again. I came away from that party feeling so high, but alas, it cannot go on forever and the SA returned last year, and the xmas party was nowhere near as good for me as the previous one.

 

[Kiwong]

The last christmas party I went to was in 1996. I always choose the table that is far away from everyone as possible.

 

[Kinetik]

I think it's better to ultimately learn how to talk to everyone, not just women. The thing is, if you get to a point where you can make small-talk with anyone, even if it's some guy standing in line behind you somewhere, then it will be just as effortless with the opposite sex. The added bonus of getting to that stage is that you won't look like some wannabe Rico Suave when you hit the bars because you're simply being sociable. It's that general outgoing behavior that's attractive, not slick-Rick womanizing. So I think if the initial approach intimidates you, it's a good idea to practice striking up a conversation with different people in non-threatening environments before trying your luck out on the town.

 

[Interzone]

It's just not easy, without any sort of help from another person, to be able to be as confident as some of you say you need to be in order to approach women.

I can't just say today I'm going to start approaching women and actually make it happen...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

It's just not easy, without any sort of help from another person, to be able to be as confident as some of you say you need to be in order to approach women.

I can't just say today I'm going to start approaching women and actually make it happen...

I'm not going to say it's easy, and I won't ask you to magically conjure up confidence out of thin air. Kinetik, for one, has a point though. Don't start by approaching hotties to ask them out. Start by approaching anyone at all to ask them anything. Work your way up gradually, and eventually you will have some experience under your belt.

 

[Interzone]

Yeah, it's not easy. Girls don't even want to talk to me online or anything.

 

[BTier922]

I am so glad to have found this forum.

This is something I've struggled with for a long time -- but until recently, I used to just push it to the back of my mind and not get depressed over it. Now it's on my mind a lot and I get extremely discouraged and depressed. It seems like everyone out there have someone, some significant other, but I'm 25 and have never been in a real relationship.

In the past there have been some moments when women have noticed me and expressed interest, but I was terrified and I passed up on those opportunities. Now the main thing that terrifies me is the possibility of never having a female companion. I feel like it's hopeless at times because women never pay attention to me and I'm too insecure to go out of my way to try to get their attention. I'm afraid that I'm just destined to be alone.

I've been trying really hard to get out and interact with people more, but I'm still too afraid to approach girls and ask them out. It is expected that the guy initiate and express interest first. But that's really scary for me. I'm shy and reserved around most people and I'm told that no woman is really attracted to shy, under-confident men. So I feel invisible and undesirable to women. And I know I'm not ugly -- in fact my whole life I've been told the opposite by so many people.

I've tried online dating as well, but to no avail. At least in cyberspace I'm more comfortable with initiating and reaching out to girls, but still I'm just ignored time and again -- I get no response. I tried speed dating too and of the 12 woman my age that were there, two "picked" me, which was encouraging, but then when I tried to reach out to one of them who I was really attracted to and ask her out for coffee, she rejected me. I already have a negative self-image that I struggle with and being rejected in any kind of way, even politely, seems to validate my negative self-image.

Sometimes I feel like there's no other conclusion except that no woman would ever want to be with me and it makes me feel devastated. I really do believe that I have so much to offer but I'm never even given a chance and I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm obsessing over it and I try to get my mind off of it for a while, but that's almost impossible in our society. We're bombarding constantly with the topics of love and sex, whether it's TV, music, internet, movies -- it's everywhere. It creates a sense that everyone in the world should be able to relate to these things because they're so fundamentally a part of the human experience, and therefore if you can't relate to them then something is wrong with you -- you don't belong. At least that's how I feel ... very alone and out of place almost everywhere. Even other people I know who are alone tell me about past relationships they've had, so I feel different even from them.

It would be nice just to be given a chance. I'm not necessarily looking for a soul mate. I just would like to date, but I can't even get that far. So I'm happy to have found this forum because I don't feel so alone after having read some of the posts by many other people who struggle with the same things that I do.

 

[Tuco]

I am so glad to have found this forum.

This is something I've struggled with for a long time -- but until recently, I used to just push it to the back of my mind and not get depressed over it. Now it's on my mind a lot and I get extremely discouraged and depressed. It seems like everyone out there have someone, some significant other, but I'm 25 and have never been in a real relationship.

In the past there have been some moments when women have noticed me and expressed interest, but I was terrified and I passed up on those opportunities. Now the main thing that terrifies me is the possibility of never having a female companion. I feel like it's hopeless at times because women never pay attention to me and I'm too insecure to go out of my way to try to get their attention. I'm afraid that I'm just destined to be alone.

I've been trying really hard to get out and interact with people more, but I'm still too afraid to approach girls and ask them out. It is expected that the guy initiate and express interest first. But that's really scary for me. I'm shy and reserved around most people and I'm told that no woman is really attracted to shy, under-confident men. So I feel invisible and undesirable to women. And I know I'm not ugly -- in fact my whole life I've been told the opposite by so many people.

I've tried online dating as well, but to no avail. At least in cyberspace I'm more comfortable with initiating and reaching out to girls, but still I'm just ignored time and again -- I get no response. I tried speed dating too and of the 12 woman my age that were there, two "picked" me, which was encouraging, but then when I tried to reach out to one of them who I was really attracted to and ask her out for coffee, she rejected me. I already have a negative self-image that I struggle with and being rejected in any kind of way, even politely, seems to validate my negative self-image.

Sometimes I feel like there's no other conclusion except that no woman would ever want to be with me and it makes me feel devastated. I really do believe that I have so much to offer but I'm never even given a chance and I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm obsessing over it and I try to get my mind off of it for a while, but that's almost impossible in our society. We're bombarding constantly with the topics of love and sex, whether it's TV, music, internet, movies -- it's everywhere. It creates a sense that everyone in the world should be able to relate to these things because they're so fundamentally a part of the human experience, and therefore if you can't relate to them then something is wrong with you -- you don't belong. At least that's how I feel ... very alone and out of place almost everywhere. Even other people I know who are alone tell me about past relationships they've had, so I feel different even from them.

It would be nice just to be given a chance. I'm not necessarily looking for a soul mate. I just would like to date, but I can't even get that far. So I'm happy to have found this forum because I don't feel so alone after having read some of the posts by many other people who struggle with the same things that I do.

I can relate to most of what you say, because the fact that I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship used to bother me very little, but this has been causing me great distress lately as I sometimes feel inferior to others because of my lack of experience with women; I know that is not rational thinking, but I can't help it. I think my real problem is my almost nonexistent self esteem, I really think I am unlovable, so this prevents me from approaching someone I like, because I think they would never be interested in someone like me and they would see me as some kind of freak because that is how I see myself sometimes. So I really have to work really hard on my self esteem first to overcome this problem.

 

[Sial Axetder]

In the past there have been some moments when women have noticed me and expressed interest

BTier, sorry could not read entire post. Not your fault - my grave lack of stilled attention.

What I did quote makes me ask: How to know when interest is expressed? It is okay to think me mechanical trying to be human.

 

[Lord Baltimore]

I get lots of attention from girls. I'm a straight single guy and i'd say 75% of my friends are girls. That would be a dream come true for most single guys but i'm as miserable as any other poster on here. So i guess what i'm saying is just hang in there and it will come to you eventually. I think we all have those one or two things that always seem to allude us