I just need to... talk. I figured this was probably the best thread to do it in... So.. no one feel obligated to read this.. I think if I don't get it off my chest tho, I am going to go crazy...so here I am.
I just spent the last hour thinking about the best way to kill myself tonight... Ever since my Aunt got put in the hospital the other day and I have had to come live with mom again life has been complete hell. I have spent 3 days now locked in my room. She has been non stop yelling and screaming and throwing things at me and at my bedroom door.. she's completely psycho and delusional.. accusing me of things.. I don't even remember doing. I have no idea what she is talking about most of the time. She basically told me I have to be out by tomorrow morning... I have no friends (literally none) and no other family... I have no where to go.. I have no money.. and I don't even have a car. I don't know what to do. I told my boyfriend and he's just like, "Sorry, can't help you" Cuz he lives like 1400 miles away... I was homeless for 3 years.. I don't want to live on the streets again. I just wish my boyfriend would have even said.. hitch hike to CA and I will help you... I wish he would have said anything comforting at all in fact. Instead he just changes the subject and then signs off msn without saying another word. If it were me in his shoes and him in mine, I would do everything in my power to help him. So now I feel abandoned and completely unloved by the one person I thought I had some hope with.. then again maybe my expectations are just too high. I can understand how it would be a stressful situation on him especially because he feels powerless to help me... or doesn't want to help me... but still...
So now I have to come up with some sort of plan and I feel scared and more alone in this world than I ever have in my whole life... How can my life be going to complete hell like this? I just keep telling myself... "this isn't happening"... but it is.. and the only thing I want to do at the moment is lay down in some gutter and die. That's all I feel good enough for...
I'm not really asking for help.. I mean I know there is nothing any of you can do. Of course there is a chance mom will calm down and change her mind... so yea I still have a warm place to sleep at night.. but then what? I still get yelled at and accused of things... it's still hell on Earth.. I need to get out of here.. I just don't know how. So I feel completely trapped and at the end of my already very short rope. I was just hanging on until June... to be with my boyfriend, to move to CA. That was the plan. He never said it still wasn't, mind you.. but sometimes when I talk to him about it he gets all quiet and uncertain.. like he would rather avoid that topic. So it makes me feel like he doesn't actually want that which makes me feel absolutely hopeless. So, I have learned to just not bring it up.. I can understand it would stress him out because it's not like his life is perfect either.. and adding one more person he would feel responsible for must scare him.. but I guess I am a hopeless romantic.. the type that believes everything and anything is possible with love... Stupid of me, I know. Life's not that good or easy... I guess I have just been waiting for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me, and I hoped with all my heart it was him.. like that would ever happen. And now I feel so stupid and mad at myself for being so delusional about everything.. (even tho part of me still prays and hopes and wishes that it is him.. that one day it will happen)... which makes me even more upset *sigh*
So now all I can think to do... is end it all. But I am too much of a coward even for that. I feel completely pathetic and worthless right now... I really, really don't know what to do... I wish I had enough strength and courage to make it on my own... I wish I didn't feel completely alone right now... I wish I had someone that actually gave a **** about me... but when did wishing ever get us anywhere? ...
I feel sick... and I really, really wish I was dead right now. I see no point to living.. none at all.. and not surprisingly I don't really feel any better after typing all of this out... But thanks for listening I guess.. I hope all you are having a much better day =/