"You need to love yourself before others can love you."

Am I the only one who really despises that phrase?

I used to try living up to it, don't get me wrong... But nowadays, I just think it's complete b/s. There are things I like about myself and wouldn't change for anything, but there are also a few things that I just can't stand about myself, but they're far too difficult for me to change. Hearing that phrase just seems to give me this idea that my mental health and self-esteem needs to be 100% perfect in order for anyone to even get along with me. I find that b/s, too, because I've come across plenty of people who I find have more mental health and self-esteem issues than me, yet they seem to have more people who care for them than I do.

Thoughts?

Nope, I believe it.

I hate my guts, so I shut everyone out and don't feel anything for anyone.
I don't ever want to like myself only because someone else loves me - that is the worst trap to fall into because once they leave; you are broken forever.

It's bs.

It would be more accurate to just say "Nobody likes a debbie downer." If you are always crying about how terrible you are and nothing anyone says makes a difference, that gets REALLY old REALLY fast and no one will want to stay around you for very long. That is a fact. But you don't have to love yourself before anyone else can. I've loved plenty of people who didn't love themselves.

Depression Glass said:

It's bs.

It would be more accurate to just say "Nobody likes a debbie downer." If you are always crying about how terrible you are and nothing anyone says makes a difference, that gets REALLY old REALLY fast and no one will want to stay around you for very long. That is a fact. But you don't have to love yourself before anyone else can. I've loved plenty of people who didn't love themselves.

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I agree with this. Its one thing to be depressed, and your friends try tohelp you through it. But its kind of hard to find new friends or make friends if you're miserable all the time. I know this from experience, trust me...
Anyway, i think a better phrase would just be something like.. Try to have confidence and selfasteem. You dont have to LOVE yourself for others to have feelings for you or love you.

I believe that others can love you when you are in a stage of not loving yourself, but if you don't love yourself then you completely shut down that love and make it worthless as if it's not even there.

I couldn't tell, but probably the key word is before.

I know that someone can love another someone if the second someone doesn't love him/herself. But it's more usual than someone loves you when you already love yourself.


I guess I have no idea if that phrase is right or not, but I do know that is very very important to love yourself, no matter what other think. So go! start loving yourself (not meant in "that" way >.<)

What that saying really means is that we all have an energy that gets read subconsciously by others that we meet. Call this non-verbal communication if you will. For others to love you, you need to be comfortable around them, not nervous. If you are unsure about yourself then you will portray an energy that keeps others away. Once you start loving who you are then you will gain confidence and your energy will come across as such when you meet others. It doesn't guarantee success because that relies on verbal communication as much as non-verbal, but once you love yourself then you are halfway there.

Aussie_Lad said:

What that saying really means is that we all have an energy that gets read subconsciously by others that we meet. Call this non-verbal communication if you will. For others to love you, you need to be comfortable around them, not nervous. If you are unsure about yourself then you will portray an energy that keeps others away. Once you start loving who you are then you will gain confidence and your energy will come across as such when you meet others. It doesn't guarantee success because that relies on verbal communication as much as non-verbal, but once you love yourself then you are halfway there.

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^I agree but loving ourselves is not a thing that we can do instantly. It usually takes a lot of time and positive experience before we can learn to love ourselves, specially if we don't have a great respect for ourselves at the moment.

Don't believe it. I hate myself and I think that's how it ought to be. Helps us strive to be better than we were. Instead, I can just let myself go and hear another person who doesn't have time for my bullsh*t.

I'm more comfortable about myself these days, I wouldn't say I love myself, but I certainly don't hate myself. I'm more relaxed around other people as well. That what I want, to get along, I'm not expecting anyone to love me.

If you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself then you'll always push away people who think you're wonderful and love you...bc you won't accept that they truly love you, you won't accept that you deserve their love. You'll do things to push them away just to see how far you can push them...as kind of a way for them to prove they love you deeply enough for your satisfaction.
You don't have to love you whole self but you should have a healthy relationship with yourself at least...in every healthy relationship there are things you love and absolutely can't stand about the other person. the same rings true for your relationship with yourself...just because you have parts about you that you hate doesn't mean you don't love yourself.

Im not sure if I totally agree with the whole "you'll push people away" thing. I don't entirely love myself but I don't push people away if they like me anyways. If anything it makes me even more appreciative that they see something good in me anyways. The only way I can see the original quote being true is when dealing with strangers and romantic love. So many people want to be with someone that's going to "complete" them or enrich their life in some way, but if you have obvious issues its like a love repellant. Which is why so many hide their problems and vices while dating you. They're not gonna tell you about their drinking problem or their huge poem collection. They're not gonna let you see them disrespect their parents or talk about previous break ups. They just put up the illusion that they're mr or mrs right until you're too emotionally invested to kick them to the curb without also hurting yourself.

I'm not sure, this statement can and often does mean something different to everyone.
I myself can say, I'm only truly content (a little bit) when I can connect and help or be helped by someone else. So its sad that my sp's cut me off from my life force.

I despise that saying as well, I feel its just a cop out for people to tell ugly people why no one has given them a fair chance at love. People tell me I have a wonderful personality but it hasn't gotten me anywhere in love. I believe most people care only about sexual attraction and they will be more accepting of personality flaws if the person is "hot" regardless if they love themselves or not. Honestly you do have to have a certain level of general morality to have a heathly functioning relationship but its hard to love yourself when no one else can find love in you. I know I hate myself for being alone and for the fact that no one loves me. But that'd just me.

I don't really believe it's true. I think it's one of those phrases that sounds good, but doesn't stand up to closer inspection.

Rembrandt Broam said:

I don't really believe it's true. I think it's one of those phrases that sounds good, but doesn't stand up to closer inspection.

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Yeah, this. I don't see how it could be considered true no matter what anyway, since people and situations vary so greatly. So many different factors.

As far as I am aware, the saying is normally 'you need to love yourself before you can love others' not before they can love you. My post is based on that version of the saying.

I think it's true for certain people.

I know several people who didn't like/love themselves enough and would glue themselves to new friends/boy/girlfriends because they said they loved them. They end up being more 'in love' with someone loving them then anything else. A lot of people who don't love themselves seek love from everyone but themselves. Ultimately, it doesn't lead to good, healthy relationships.

I'm not going to say you have to love yourself in order to love someone else. Of course, if someone really matters to you, you can love them no matter what.

But I will say, you should love yourself before giving yourself to someone else.

And in my opinion, 'loving yourself' necessarily doesn't mean you have to love everything about yourself. I really like myself, but I hate the weakness in me created by my SA.

I think, for the most part, if you don't love yourself, you will just end up constantly seeking love from other people and that's not good.

Based on the other version, 'before they can love you'. Like I said, if you mean enough to them, they will love you anyway. But, if you can't find the good in yourself, and be happy with yourself you won't really believe that they love you because you don't believe you deserve it. So, again, if is a should and not a need.

It's definitely BS. I despise myself, but I do have a couple of people that love/care for me. Having no self-esteem of course makes it harder to make friends or find a significant other - mainly because people don't like being around those that are miserable, depressed, etc. That doesn't go for EVERYONE, though. I believe every situation and circumstance is different. I would have no problem whatsoever loving someone that dealt with the same issues I'm struggling with. Anxiety, depression, all of that does NOT make someone unlovable. Just harder to approach.

I wouldn't say its 100% concrete truth, but I do see some truth in it.
You don't need to love yourself to be loved by another, of course not. There aren't many people who do love themselves anyway.

BUT, I think, if you can grow to (maybe not love, but accept) yourself, and all of your strengths and weaknesses, it WOULD help, and you would become more open to the idea of being loved by another. How many times has your lack of self-confidence caused you to shut yourself away from potential admirers? I know it has for me... And I know that one of the key things keeping me away from a relationship has always been my lack of confidence... "I don't think I can live up to his expectations", "I'm not good enough," "I'm too ugly" etc, whereas if I had more respect for myself these thoughts may be absent and I would feel more confident in pursuing a relationship.

It may not be definitive but I do believe there's some truth in it.

Agent Violent said:

You don't have to love you whole self but you should have a healthy relationship with yourself at least...in every healthy relationship there are things you love and absolutely can't stand about the other person. the same rings true for your relationship with yourself...just because you have parts about you that you hate doesn't mean you don't love yourself.

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Very true. The saying shouldn't mean that you need to make yourself wee with excitement every time you look in a mirror (eww). It just means that the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more chances you'll take.

I love this phrase!

I think that all these things you despise about yourself, you can learn to except it because its you, and someone out there will find all these things you view bad as being perfect