"You chose to be like this".

[JamesSmith]

For anyone who tells us we "chose" to be like this, I say so I chose to have anxiety? Did I say before I had the anxiety, man I really hope I can have some anxiety today? Think about how ridiculous that sounds, lol. Of course we didn't choose to be like this. Most of us would rather not have an anxiety disorder, I don't see any reason someone would want an anxiety disorder, so it's obvious we didn't choose to have an anxiety disorder. It's tough to control, and we have the ability to make choices, but what people don't get is these choices are distracted by anxiety and sway our actions. We aren't choosing to be uncomfortable in social situations, we just are.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

People who have everything need to take a step off their high horse and care for those of us that don't.
We were born into the world not having any control over our situation. Some of us get lucky, some don't. We all have our own problems, this is true. But we all live together, so there's no excuse to be ignorant.

 

[krs2snow]

For anyone who tells us we "chose" to be like this, I say so I chose to have anxiety? Did I say before I had the anxiety, man I really hope I can have some anxiety today? Think about how ridiculous that sounds, lol. Of course we didn't choose to be like this. Most of us would rather not have an anxiety disorder, I don't see any reason someone would want an anxiety disorder, so it's obvious we didn't choose to have an anxiety disorder. It's tough to control, and we have the ability to make choices, but what people don't get is these choices are distracted by anxiety and sway our actions. We aren't choosing to be uncomfortable in social situations, we just are.

I think what ur saying makes perfect sense. But, I think the idea is that we have other choices, too. OK, so we didn't choose to have SA but we can choose what we do about it. I feel like there are pple out there with disorders, diseases and disabilities that never chose to have them but they do choose how to deal w/them. Complaining is one option. Doing nothing is another. Feeling bad, avoiding situations, hating ourselves and letting our condition rule our lives are all options. Working to make our lives better is not the easiest solution but its the one that makes the most sense. If I were disabled and couldn't walk but really wanted to walk again, I'd become bound and determined to find a way to make that possible. Id research devices, therapies, medications, support groups. I'd talk to pple and let them know where I am- not walking- and what my goals are- to walk again. I'd work on it everyday and do whatever I could, find whatever resources, help, support I could to make walking possible. Pple w/SA just seem to want to fight the battle of choice over condition. Saying "I have SA. Its a condition. I didn't choose to be like this I just am". But thats not the point of the story, is it. So what if u didn't choose to have SA? What difference does it make in ur life? Did the cancer patient choose to have cancer? Who cares? Either way they have cancer. But that same patient can choose to get treatment and live life to the best of his or her abilities. If this is the battle u are currently fighting then ur fighting the wrong battle. It doesn't matter what others think. What matters is what ur doing about what u think. SA is not why ur life is so sucky. Your reaction to ur condition is why life is so sucky. Your current coping methods are why life is so sucky. And what ur currently doing about ur situation is why life is so sucky. SA is just a roadblock towards ur happiness, not a sentence for the end of ur happiness. SA does not render u helpless. Stop insisting that it does. Stop fighting the endless battle w/those around u of "I chose to be this way" vs "I can't help it" and start fighting the battle for urself and ur happiness. SA may make things more difficult, it may make life harder, it may be- or IS- not a choice but there are still things u can do about it. Ur life can be lived, in a happy way, even with SA. Whether or not we "choose" to have it is pointless. What we do about it is not.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Let me be first to say that I chose to be like this. Note the word, chose. Choices make us who we are. Not all are intention choices, but they are choices none the less. I chose the easy way out. Whenever I approached a situation I would ask myself what the easiest option is. You could call this remaining well within my comfort zone. Quite often easy does not equal best, but it helps give a peace of mind temporily. I probably still do this to some extent, because it is a long running habit that is hard to kick. I am wiser these days though, and do more to step out of my comfort zone if I know it will help me grow. It is impossible to grow without stepping out of your comfort zone, so this is a must to be able to have any chance of getting what I want out of this life.

 

[R3K]

I agree with the people who've said it is a choice. Social anxiety isn't something like cancer or autism that you get/have whether you like it or not.
Internally, you've made a choice to have a fear of society. The thought process is irrational and negative. We don't have to think that way. We CHOOSE to think that way. And that's what social phobia is all about isn't it? Negative thinking? "If I talk to that person, I'm going to make a fool of myself and look stupid..."

That's the way I look at it anyway.

when i was 3.5 years old having dizzy spells and feelings of disreality around other people/children i tried to choose not to have a fear of society but it didn't work. i didn't even know what society was at that point. i thought it was normal to feel dizzy and light-headed all the time, i had no other sensations to reference it against. i didn't know what rational or irrational thinking was yet. and like some others have said in here, i didn't know what i had or how to fight it until i'd developed a million mental adaptations and defenses to my social phobic being. you don't unprogram a lifetime of habits on the spot.

^^Thats a start. U hafta choose not to be miserable. Choose not to behave the way u have in the past. Choose to do the opposite of what ur instincts are telling you and try to remember those instincts telling u to run or hide or not speak are a response to anxiety, not the situation. Choose to act opposite of what ur body is trying to force u to do and the anxiety will go down little by little.

i understand the desire to choose to fight the SA, but some people have had it for as long as they've been alive, and it was onset by chemical imbalances and genetics (things a three year old can't readily control). the OP didn't choose to wear a shirt with a stain on it, her SA-influenced state of mind combined with circumstances around her led her to decide it was okay to wear it that particular day. then her mom happened to be in the same room and in a bad mood for whatever and decided to use the insignificant detail of a koolaid stain as part of her argument for whatever the topic was.

for some, choosing to fight SA is a very complicated process, and when friends/family are being short with us it knocks us back a pace and makes it all that much more difficult-- i think that's what the OP was trying to say with this thread.

 

[Section_31]

Maybe the fear of society which seems to be gradually increasing, as more people are being born with SA, indicates a problem on a larger scale.

I personally say its society. The over-sexedness of it all, consumerism, the go-go-go business lifestyle. Im all for propserity and such, but i think in the advancing age we live in most people have lost sight of whats really important....one of the reasons i work the job that I do is so im home every night with my family. Most people in my dads generation are gone for weeks at a time...and i promised myself i would never do that to my family.

Not trying to paint everybody whos older with the same brush, just saying, i think what SA is, is a symptom of a bigger problem.

I.E - My child has social Anxiety. "oh theyre jsut shy. we just need to shove them into more social situations, they'll grow out of it".

or "what do you mean your scared of (insert social situation here)?!." Instead of trying to help said person, they are labelled as strange, and not the "norm for society" and instead of assistance, they get what some may view as left behind.

With an attitude like that, most people wont understand.

 

[scoobycrawler]

my parents had me put in the hospital here in the usa and at the time i was 22 I think i was in there for like 5 months all to gether and seriuosly was harrassed ab out brushing my teeth and not showering or not having clean clothes and crap like that when i was in there. It sounds like your mom already thinks that your crazy but she is probably wrapped up in her own little emotional problems. oh i am aa 26 male and i am feeling better now but not because of my mom but because i locked down when people kept trying to control me all the time i just finally said to hell with everything and now i have peace

 

[krs2snow]

i understand the desire to choose to fight the SA, but some people have had it for as long as they've been alive, and it was onset by chemical imbalances and genetics (things a three year old can't readily control). the OP didn't choose to wear a shirt with a stain on it, her SA-influenced state of mind combined with circumstances around her led her to decide it was okay to wear it that particular day. then her mom happened to be in the same room and in a bad mood for whatever and decided to use the insignificant detail of a koolaid stain as part of her argument for whatever the topic was.

for some, choosing to fight SA is a very complicated process, and when friends/family are being short with us it knocks us back a pace and makes it all that much more difficult-- i think that's what the OP was trying to say with this thread.

What's most interesting to me is that many of the posters on this site have not actually been professionally diagnosed with Social Anxiety. What that says to me is that we are all looking for an explanation. A reason to help us explain, and more importantly understand, why we are the way we are. Its so very important to see a professional and start there. Here's an example. What if u had a friend who complained about back pain. Over the months, her pain did not go away. So, one day she confided in u that she had cancer. Upon talking w/her, u find out that she has not been to a doctor and has no medical diagnosis for cancer (other than her own) and she does not plan on seeking medical or profesional help. What would u tell her? Would u say "I'm so sorry u have cancer! Thats awful! U don't deserve to have this horrible disease!" Would u passify her and her belief? Or would u push her to find out what is causing her pain? Would u suggest that she seek medical advice? Chemical imbalances and/or genetics may be the source of ones problems. Genetics are what they are. U get what u get (for now at least). But chemical imbalances need to be diagnosed by professionals. And really diagnosed. Society is very quick to say "U have an imbalance w/the chemicals in ur brain. Take this medication" without really exploring the brians activities and such. That being said, I think most posters on this site do NOT have chemical imbalances. Or SA, for that matter. Many posters have problems and have self-diagnosed as a way of dealing w/their pain and misery. Most posters have decided they have Social Anxiety- without consulting a medical professional. It's almost like SA is an answer. An answer to the questions and pain. "Ahhh. Social Anxiety is the root of my problems! Thats why I am the way I am. And, I'll fight to the death to defend the fact that I have no control over it"

 

[panicsurvivor]

Wow what an interesting thread. I haven't been on in a while but this is a good one. I agree with Lone gunman our evolution hasn't really caught up to our society yet. No, none of us chose for the original trauma to happen that caused our behavioral habits. No, we didn't choose to develop disorders based on those habits. But, we DO choose how we deal with our disorders and our lives in general. To deal with our problems and rid ourselves of our anxiety's we have to develop new thought processes. It is incredibly hard. Their is no easy answer. You have to try. Some people choose to complain and despair and blame. It is easier. I feel sorry for these people.

 

[StarShine]

I hear that everyday from my sister. -_-
She says I choose to be a basement dwelling loser who fears contact with real people.
She wouldn't understand how I became the person I am today, considering the fact that she has such a wonderful life and people are more attracted to her. Funny, cause when we both shared our friends, they tended to be cruel to me and treat her like a goddess.
Explains a lot, eh? =P

 

[Yuurei]

ive went through the same thing with my family as long as i can remember. They dont ge that i would love to have a job and that i would love to be going to school and hanging out with friends but they all act like i dont have a job because im lazy but i just have run out of was to try to explain to them that this is a real thing and not just something in my head

 

[redhead042]

What my mother just said... I chose not to get better and I chose to be like this
FEAR CHOOSES ME

my mum always says you just need to accept this is you. she doesnt say it to be mean, but as i say to her sh wants me to accept that i can't get a job because im too scared, no friends, no education, no idea what i want to do with my life. and i'm supposed to accept thats me.

 

[NathanielWingateSpaghetti]

We do have some choice in the matter, but not completely.

I do have to agree with you on this one. We can't blame it 100 % on 1 or more things. We can at least try and get through this and beat it.

 

[NathanielWingateSpaghetti]

....but don't you suppose that it might be second nature in us?

 

[Heekaru]

People always tell me that too..

 

[NathanielWingateSpaghetti]

It could very well be! I remember being anxious as a little girl, but only after a certain age and events in my life. I think it's important to point out that it's evident that various psychiatric conditions run in my family. So I think you may be right about some of us. I am not saying that I was born with anxiety, but it's possible that I was simply more susceptible to developing it than someone who has no history of mental illness in the family.
Sometimes I wonder whether my family's mental health has anything to do with the fact that both my parent's parents grew up during war times. I know that both my grandma and her sister had problems due to traumatic experiences during WWII. I wonder whether the war could have had it's affect on two generations...

I know that there is an ongoing debate of nature vs nurture within the medical community in regards to mental illness. I know that my environment played a part in my anxiety, but I'd like to know for sure whether I inherited part of it.

Right I see what your getting at, but in my case its only circumstantially evident considering I never knew my biological family, but I have spoken to them before and have gotten a little mental health outlook on the family tree, but it doesn't really support any direct evidence of anxiety disorder. Just all I know is that my mother has a borderline personality disorder. I believe I told you that once.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

So anytime someone feels depressed, for whatever reason, or maybe even suicidal, I'll just tell them you did it to yourself.

Some people are just idiots.
The last person that should ever say it's your fault are your parents. They can't forget that they're the ones who raised us!

 

[JamesSmith]

I think what ur saying makes perfect sense. But, I think the idea is that we have other choices, too. OK, so we didn't choose to have SA but we can choose what we do about it. I feel like there are pple out there with disorders, diseases and disabilities that never chose to have them but they do choose how to deal w/them. Complaining is one option. Doing nothing is another. Feeling bad, avoiding situations, hating ourselves and letting our condition rule our lives are all options. Working to make our lives better is not the easiest solution but its the one that makes the most sense. If I were disabled and couldn't walk but really wanted to walk again, I'd become bound and determined to find a way to make that possible. Id research devices, therapies, medications, support groups. I'd talk to pple and let them know where I am- not walking- and what my goals are- to walk again. I'd work on it everyday and do whatever I could, find whatever resources, help, support I could to make walking possible. Pple w/SA just seem to want to fight the battle of choice over condition. Saying "I have SA. Its a condition. I didn't choose to be like this I just am". But thats not the point of the story, is it. So what if u didn't choose to have SA? What difference does it make in ur life? Did the cancer patient choose to have cancer? Who cares? Either way they have cancer. But that same patient can choose to get treatment and live life to the best of his or her abilities. If this is the battle u are currently fighting then ur fighting the wrong battle. It doesn't matter what others think. What matters is what ur doing about what u think. SA is not why ur life is so sucky. Your reaction to ur condition is why life is so sucky. Your current coping methods are why life is so sucky. And what ur currently doing about ur situation is why life is so sucky. SA is just a roadblock towards ur happiness, not a sentence for the end of ur happiness. SA does not render u helpless. Stop insisting that it does. Stop fighting the endless battle w/those around u of "I chose to be this way" vs "I can't help it" and start fighting the battle for urself and ur happiness. SA may make things more difficult, it may make life harder, it may be- or IS- not a choice but there are still things u can do about it. Ur life can be lived, in a happy way, even with SA. Whether or not we "choose" to have it is pointless. What we do about it is not.

To shorten your book you wrote there, you are just saying that although we didn't choose to have anxiety, we do have a choice on doing things to try to lessen or get rid of anxiety. I already knew that and never said that we should never do anything about anxiety in my post. I'm not quite sure how you came to your conclusion here, but yeah, I do agree that we should do something about anxiety to try to get rid of it.

 

[NathanielWingateSpaghetti]

I dread to think that this could be hereditary. Anything learned can be unlearned, but something inate can't be changed.

About the BPD? Ya, same here :/ Hopefully it's skipped a few generations if it is hereditary. Some experts say that it is and some others say it isn't hereditary.

 

[Shant]

It's especially a bitter feeling when your parents follow up with something like, "Oh we've had problems too, that doesn't mean we chose something like this, it means we chose to get over it", or worse, "Our parents were worse than we are, we had it even worse and got over it, you don't know what that's like."

Personally at this point I'm realizing that for me (I'm only specifying me, I'm not saying this is the case with everyone with social phobia, or anything), I kind of did choose this path that eventually led me to become social phobic, to run away from everyone and everything that was causing me problems. But it's not like at the time I saw another option to choose.

Nor is this ever a helpful thing to say, at least in my experience, all it does is guilt-trip the social phobic into feeling like a bad/worse person.