There is a theory that everyone chooses everything about their lives, the parents, the appearance, even the way of death, and if we are born with some disease or any condition, it's the result of what we did in past lives. Does it seem too far fetched? Nevertheless I believe it could be true.
I guess it's possible, but then I'm sure a lot of people ask themselves, "why would anyone choose to be born into my life?" May there's a part of their past personality that they've forgotten? Maybe that part of who they are saw this life they have now as a
great opportunity? Maybe if they can try to see that great opportunity and stay true to who they are, maybe they can understand why they chose this over anything else?
Either way, isn't that really what we see when we pick ourselves up and get out of the clouds of depression? Life is a great opportunity. The hard times seem to be the greatest opportunity to me, because it can get so much better.
But anyway, kind of off topic.
I know how it can hurt for someone to not understand what you are going through. The biggest problems I ever had with SA occurred with my girlfriend. She doesn't talk to me anymore because situations got so complicated and stressful for her with me around. I'm naturally prone to being anxious in social situations, but when our relationship started to hit some rough spots, her criticism began to make me more and more uncomfortable. We got into a lot of fights over my behavior, which had changed because of how I felt inside.
Whenever we took a break, I'd miss her a lot and repeat to myself what she said, about how stupid and embarrassing I had been. I was always excited when she gave me a second chance, and I said I'd be okay, it wouldn't happen again. I eventually realized it didn't matter how excited I was to see her, or how much I thought I could handle the fear of criticism. As soon as we'd start talking or spending time together, I'd begin to feel overwhelmed.
She never really understood what I was going through, if she had, I don't think things would have turned out so bad, time after time.
I know she meant well by pointing out how I should act around people, how I had caused a problem, what I could do or say differently... but the biggest stress in my life was centered around not wanting to shame her. I felt horrible when she pointed all those things out, but i felt like if I didn't pay attention, I'd never be "okay".
My biggest problem was how much I cared what she thought of me. It haunted me all the time. I could think or talk straight because i was always afraid of what she would say. I'd try to focus on everything I did wrong, but as I'm sure most of us will agree, that only made me more self-conscious and more paranoid that I would mess up, which only lead to me forgetting more, not paying attention when she was talking, and feeling more and more awkward whenever we went out anywhere.
If she had used positive reinforcement, I'm sure things would have turned out differently. She deals with her SA differently, because hers is mostly about what strangers think, say or do. Mine is primarily caused by fear of what those close to me will think, say or do. Ordinary people don't stress me much, unless I see them as having some power or control over those who are close to me.
I couldn't "make" her understand, and maybe part of that was because I really didn't understand what was happening enough to explain it.
Either way, I can definitely relate to the feeling when people fuss at you, or treat you badly. It doesn't help. It hurts a lot. When I was younger, my mother took me to doctors to try to figure out what was wrong with me. The attention was meant as a loving gesture, to show concern and try to find a solution. But it only made me feel so many times worse about myself. It also made me feel more distanced from the people close to me when they would pity me. I felt bad because I felt like I stood out, like I was a freak. Did they never think that maybe the way they looked at me only fed the problem by making it REAL!?
Some people close to us don't see us as being capable. They try to tell us what to do, and they don't always know what's best, or even understand what we're going though. It's really tough when that person is someone like a mother, sibling, or a lover. Some times, you can't stay away from their criticism.
I think a lot of times it's best to try to help them understand. Maybe when they won't listen to our assessment, our friends or therapists can help them understand. There are always going to be situations where people just don't understand, no matter how much they want to. That's something that only they can work on, and we can't expect to change them.
It's my hope that all of us who are struggling with SA can become free from the situations where people say and feelings we have that tell us we are somehow inferior. It's something each of us has the power to figure out on our own. Realizing that and building some self confidence was my first step. I know I have value, we all do. It's not really a clich'e to say that, because it's meaning is TRUE!!
EDIT: (wow, what a rant... didn't realize how long this was until after posting, lol)
