Would you ignore a girl you really liked and knew liked you?

[mamma]

This guy is eight years younger than me - he is early twenties. He seems like such a sweet guy. But I know he has been hurt really bad - called boring by his first love and emotionally abused. That was two year ago. I first noticed him when he used to stare at me all the time at work. He works in a different department from me but can see each other through the glass haha.

But he used to work with some cocky guys and my colleague told me that she once heard them all talknig about me, how they thought I was hot. I get the impression this shy guy thinks why would I like him when I could have one of the more "confident" guys.

There is another girl I know who knows him a bit better and she told me how he keeps talking about me and really likes me. So after a few months of us staring and smiling at each other (him looking away awkwardly) a lot of the time, I tried to add him of Facebook but he left it pending! That was over a year ago. I have since found out he was actually dating someone else at the time but now is single.

His wall was private - I could not see anything other than his profile pic, but then I noticed he would start posting things publically that directly related to my own public posts - bands I liked, suddenly he would post a song of theirs, I mentioned how I liked a particular film, then he publically likes that film the next day, then came a bunch of songs about a shy guy who can't tell the girl he likes that he likes her!

I messaged him, telling him I liked him and his shyness and I gave him my number. Nothing! Again, that was over a year ago. But the staring still happens. And his messages he puts publically on his wall in relation to my own post. Then he put links to events he was going to because I did once go somewhere I knew he would be and he realised I'd seen that on Facebook. So he put an event up he would be going to and all these songs about liking a girl from afar and how he had hopes for us etc, but I could not make the event! That night, when I didn't go, he posted how he was in a bad place, really down, needed a girlfriend to feel happy etc.

But why not reply to my message or contact me through my phone number?

 

[mamma]

Also, he knows I was in a long term reltionship that lasted over ten years! He is fairly inexperienced, other than that bad relationship.

 

[DepravedFurball]

Wow.

Well... this is a bit off the normal path.

Hmm... I wonder if he isn't extremely insecure about his station in life. If, as you say, he was emotionally abused by previous partners, then he must second-and-third-guess himself all the time, and over every single decision. He might be extremely wary of putting himself in the path of emotional-pain, and purposely hold himself back from direct engagements...

I think, though, that the problem here is the disassociation of the Internet.

If you're able, perhaps walk over there and directly apologize for missing out on the previous event. Then tell him something like 'I'd like to make it up to you... maybe we could go out for coffee? I won't take no for an answer...'.

That kind of tactic would ensure that your interests are clearly conveyed once and for all, leaving him no room to escape or procrastinate. And you're going to have to take charge with this fragile guy anyways... though do try and be gentle. He kind of brings to mind the image of a timid little squirrel, to which even a loud noise would send him scampering back into his nest.

^^

 

[mamma]

Yes, the event would have included alcohol. I genuinely couldn't make it but was als wary of him being more open when intoxicated but then closing up again once sober again. I think he is also intimidated by me being older. Yes, he has indirectly, through his facebook wall, indicated for me to take the initiative, but I have been rejected in the past several times, so I do second-guess myself at times too and am a bit shy. It's taken me all this time to realise he has been waiting for me to make a move. But he blanked my message, so I am obviously going to be hesitant myself.

 

[SilentBird]

I would avoid someone I really liked but I might not if I knew she liked me.

 

[DepravedFurball]

Then gather every scrap of your courage, and push your hesitations to the back of your mind for two minutes...

If he accepts the offer to go out for a cup of coffee, and in due time, your companionship turns into something wonderful, then it'll all have been worth it.

Don't think about the negative aspects. It's not the time for that. Just concentrate on getting through that small conversation, then deal with the small variables as they arise.

Go, now! We're cheering for you! ^^

 

[mamma]

Yes, I think he has been living in the whole facebook indirect fantasy, too scared to make it real. But the weird thing is, he can talk to other people just fine. We were actually forced to talk to each other once (work matters) and he seemed okay chatting then, because it was about work. I feel I need to make him more comfortable first rather than flat out asking him out perhaps.

 

[Kiwong]

I wouldn't ignore her.

You already have taken the initiative. If no answer is forthcoming with such a direct approach, then maybe you should move on.

 

[mamma]

Kiwong, this is the problem, he replies indirectly through his wall but doesn't directly through a message. It's as if he feels that if he can hide behind doing things indirectly, he can make out he never said all this stuff if he gets rejected - he can make out it is all just random posts unrelated to me.

 

[mamma]

He has numourously posted events he is going to ever since the one time I did show up. I can't make most of the events though!! The one I did go to I fell ill suddenly and had to go home. But the one I did go to, he just stood near me all the time, looking at me, as if waiting for me to initiate. I did talk to him for a bit, but then it went back to square one. Another time, I initiated a conversation and he seemed really happy that I was going up to him and talking to him, then I couldn't think what to say, there was an awkward silence, so he walked away to save the embarassment.

 

[Silatuyok]

Honestly, I would hesitate to try to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't mastered the very basics of communication (e.g., responding to a message). Relationships are difficult enough as it is even when two people are perfectly capable of talking to each other. This is the kind of issue that is going to keep cropping up again and again and again in many different ways, even if the relationship can get off to any kind of start.

 

[WaningMoon]

Maybe he's TOOO shy and he just doesn't know how to "face" the situation so he stays away (I did that a lot of times because I felt very insecure), have you tried talking to him directly?

 

[hoddesdon]

Maybe he has SA.

There have been a few threads like this in the past.

 

[Kiwong]

Kiwong, this is the problem, he replies indirectly through his wall but doesn't directly through a message. It's as if he feels that if he can hide behind doing things indirectly, he can make out he never said all this stuff if he gets rejected - he can make out it is all just random posts unrelated to me.

A direct response to your initiative is the only way to confirm interest, not reading between the lines of a facebook page.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Bite the bullet and get it over with. You should ask him out-why not?..Go for it!

 

[Klonoa]

I'm a hopeless romantic, but if a girl liked me, for who I am, even if there's an age gap, I wouldn't hesitate a single moment.

I am honestly confused why he doesn't do the same...

Then again, hopeless romantic..

 

[Flanscho]

Well, there are a lot of assumptions you have about that guy and few things you really know.

First, I think the only way to solve is by speaking to him directly. I mean you've been toying around for months using indirect ways of communication that suck in many ways and leave everything open for misunderstandings. If you don't talk to him directly, you'll never find out what's going on.

Either that, or I'd have returned to not caring about him, simply because he ignored any attempts of communication.

For someone like me, being in my early thirties, it seems somewhat weird to see how younger people try so hard not to really talk to each other. It's as if you have a great meal and you try everything to swallow it without tasting it.

 

[Bronson99]

Honestly, I would hesitate to try to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't mastered the very basics of communication (e.g., responding to a message). Relationships are difficult enough as it is even when two people are perfectly capable of talking to each other. This is the kind of issue that is going to keep cropping up again and again and again in many different ways, even if the relationship can get off to any kind of start.

I don't think anything she said indicates he doesn't know the basics of communication. For some reason, he chose not to reply to her message directly.. you can't really extrapolate much from that. Especially when she said he talks normally to other people.

I'm still waiting for PMs back from people here and elsewhere and I have no idea why they have not replied. This is just one of those things about the internet, people will act differently than they do in meatspace.

That's why she should go up to him in meatspace and talk, see what happens.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Honestly, I would hesitate to try to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't mastered the very basics of communication (e.g., responding to a message). Relationships are difficult enough as it is even when two people are perfectly capable of talking to each other. This is the kind of issue that is going to keep cropping up again and again and again in many different ways, even if the relationship can get off to any kind of start.

Yes.

Well, there are a lot of assumptions you have about that guy and few things you really know.

First, I think the only way to solve is by speaking to him directly. I mean you've been toying around for months using indirect ways of communication that suck in many ways and leave everything open for misunderstandings. If you don't talk to him directly, you'll never find out what's going on.

Either that, or I'd have returned to not caring about him, simply because he ignored any attempts of communication.

Yep.

 

[Ithior]

When I was around 14yo I would prefer talking to girls through texts and I was pretty good at it I guess.

Now I dislike talking to girls that way because I can't express my tone through text, and emoticons would show too much "emotion" which I don't really want either. So now I'm more comfortable talking face to face, maybe he's the same?