Women exist... but does Love?

[mattbarneswillkillu]

my perspective on women may be messed up from somewhat of a broken childhood, but i'm missing the value in women or "love".
I love my mother and sisters to death, so i'm not against women. I just don't see the point. My father is a very nice man and he & my mom got divorced, but isn't everyone getting divorced these days? Where did the love go? or was there love in the first place?
I'm religious (christian) which i think is the primary reason i havent found "that somebody", but then I start to group all women in the same category. That category is encompasses women aged (16-24) - thirsty(sexually), money-hungry, status seeking females. (yes, this can be said of most people)
I tried to pick women who dressed more conservatively, yet still attractive in attempts to find the opposite but i havent been proven wrong yet. Every girl that i've associated with want sex. Everytime i've said no, or i'm waiting the relationship dies. So i think i've formed an unfair view of all women...
I think that women are instruments used to reproduce, cook&clean(from time time-to-time) and to fufill all the desires that men build through the years. My father found his sense of freedom, and enjoyment through his children (my sisters & I) so i unfortunately havent been exposed to a woman's worth.
I understand that this thinking isn't polite or may not be correct, it's just my experiences. Can sum1 help?

 

[BlueKing]

OK.. this topic isn't really my strong point but perhaps it'd be best to think of women as being the same as men. I know that isn't really a helpful answer.. some might argue that you are objectifying women and I think that is what you are fearing. You're honest but fearful of the backlash.

You might resent women because you blame your Mother for the break up. You love her but you can still blame her. Perhaps you see women as a thing that sucked the life out of your father. Hence his finding freedom and happiness after marriage.

As for love, I don't think you just flick a switch and turn off emotions that strong. I think that overtime people just drift apart, it's nobodies fault. It is just a sad truth. I think divorce is higher now because we don't communicate properly. We spend longer and longer away from our families. A lot of families don't even eat with each other any more, sometimes the father comes home as the mother is going to work. I don't know.. I'm sorry I can't help you more.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Love exists, sure... but it's not the Disney brand of love that we're sold as children.

Some people would be happy to be with one person forever-- but most people get sick and unhappy long before 'forever' is up, it seems.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

You say that women are used as instruments to reproduce, but then also say you turn down women when they want to have sex with you?
Explain that.

 

[DanFC]

my perspective on women may be messed up from somewhat of a broken childhood, but i'm missing the value in women or "love".
I love my mother and sisters to death, so i'm not against women. I just don't see the point. My father is a very nice man and he & my mom got divorced, but isn't everyone getting divorced these days? Where did the love go? or was there love in the first place?
I'm religious (christian) which i think is the primary reason i havent found "that somebody", but then I start to group all women in the same category. That category is encompasses women aged (16-24) - thirsty(sexually), money-hungry, status seeking females.
I tried to pick women who dressed more conservatively, yet still attractive in attempts to find the opposite but i havent been proven wrong yet. Every girl that i've associated with want sex. Everytime i've said no, or i'm waiting the relationship dies. So i think i've formed an unfair view of all women...
I think that women are instruments used to reproduce, cook&clean(from time time-to-time) and to fufill all the desires that men build through the years. My father found his sense of freedom, and enjoyment through his children (my sisters & I) so i unfortunately havent been exposed to a woman's worth.
I understand that this thinking isn't polite or may not be correct, it's just my experiences. Can sum1 help?

Ah man, so it's true, the pricks, even the well-intentioned ones, really do get the ladies XD

 

[mattbarneswillkillu]

some might argue that you are objectifying women and I think that is what you are fearing. You're honest but fearful of the backlash.

.

Yes, I think I am fearful of objectifying women. I wouldn't categorize my mother in the same way I did younger females, however my mom did drive away my father. So i'm thinking she just had a more reason to be affectionate towards her son (me).
I'm starting to use a negative (unresponsive) attitude towards all women now. Maybe i do it to help with my anxiety around attractive women, but I think it's worse than that. I'm a genuine person and I usually tell and do things exactly as I feel them. I might have put myself in harms way in a few relationships and got burned...I guess i've been looking for something (love) that isn't there. It's like i try to turn lust into love while abstaining from sex...idk hard 2 explain

 

[mattbarneswillkillu]

You say that women are used as instruments to reproduce, but then also say you turn down women when they want to have sex with you?
Explain that.

sorry i might be mixing my thoughts...

My new (negative) view on women is turning to where I view them as sex instruments...ah, that sounds bad sorry females

but yes, I'm not having sex until i'm married

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

It's obvious girls want you. But you gotta be in control.
Don't have the attitude that women exist to serve you. Have the attitude that you serve the woman, and respect that woman.
You're still in control, but still let the women feel loved and respected.

Don't be too forward. Let the love come to you.
It will happen.

 

[scoobycrawler]

I think you might want to read up on the bible or something if you want to know about love. I know that Love does exist but it's not just with women, it's with everyone and everything.

 

[Kiwong]

I think women are people, and are all part of that big scary world of the human beings. I see men, women as complicated beings that are all a part of my battle to get along. I rarely view women romantically or sexually. Some misintepret my anxiety, others don't. Some react negatively, others don't.

I've been worried about working in the field with women, because I scared I have some bad sort of bad reputation with the office gossips, or I will seem weird. These fears have been unfounded and I have had some great field experiences. We've got along great and they have been great work partners.

 

[Kinetik]

I suppose my problems with women stem from what I feel is a perversion of feminism. As in your case OP, I like women (or rather, want to like women) and I love my mother and sister very much, but I seem to have to bear the brunt of a lot of inequality within my relationships. I was brought up to be as strong and independent as possible despite my issues with anxiety, but I soon learned that that kind of thing doesn't lend itself well to being involved with women, where it seems an excessive amount of being diplomatic and unbending is the only way forward.

I guess I feel like I've had to endure so many irrational mood-swings and a kind of ongoing emasculation to the point where I'm realizing that I really do feel better going solo or else I'd simply be sacrificing too much of myself just for the sake of having a companion. In my last relationship, my girlfriend came and lived with me and refused to do anything around the apartment, even though from the get-go I'd suggested we go halves on the cleaning. Her response? "I'm not a 50's housewife." Now, these kinds of things are pretty small in the grand scheme of life, but tally them up over the course of weeks and months and you start to feel a bit dejected. It's as if I have to be Superman when I can't even fully manage my own problems. It's made me a little wary/distrustful for the time being, so I'm going to concentrate on number one until something truly great comes my way. Maybe you should do the same.

 

[Felgen]

Love exists for the lucky ones. For everyone else (regardless of mental issues or not), the phrase "I love you" doesn't mean sh!t.

 

[Feathers]

Okay, OP - you're good looking, but that's it.
If I met someone with your attitude (oh wait, I did! ), I'd run in the opposite direction!

Kinetik, I think your expectations of 50:50 are okay... Perhaps not always easily doable in practice..
It's difficult to be woman or man in today's world... So many hormonal disruptors and iffy chemicals in environment and food we eat and packaging of the food we eat etc.
I don't want to have mood swings, but I (and many other women) do!! Not everyone though, and some have it worse than others!! So maybe just look for the more stable kind, and AGREE about housework division (exactly who does what, when, how often etc - and consequences if not) before you live together!!

I've heard the statment about 'most girls only wanting sex' from a cousin too - and I was WTF? Since when? Weren't usually boys accused of that? Maybe it's just the culture got different, and girls express more easily what was once taboo.. And sometimes men MISUNDERSTAND big time too!!
A girl may wish affection, support, love, friendship, or to talk or cuddle or whatever, and he may think 'she wants sex'... (!)
It's not just 'black' or 'white'. (!!) Okay, maybe with some girls (or guys) it is... That's why you really have to get to know each other better AS A PERSON!!

A girl has a soul too.

Oh, and I know couples who had the 'no sex' policy and are happily married now, with kids... Some are quite goodlooking too.. It was opportunity to get to know each other better as a unique person and talk about the important things... Some did make sure to not be alone too much (for temptation reasons) and both agreed on boundaries.. It's best if both went to Church and/or support group for fiancees who wanted to stay chaste until wedding.. Do you know any or can you read about their experiences, if that is what you want?

People get divorced cause sometimes they expect too much from each other, or never get to know each other well, and marry someone who is not at all compatible with them, or has too different values etc. Bad communication techniques and crazy world/life stress can contribute to that too.. Look for someone willing to work on things... Someone you can quarrel with and still agree to sleep on it and work on it, work on finding solutions... People often have misguided ideas that love 'will make all things better'... It's just a start though...

Some girls really don't know how to cook or make a sandwich - again, get to know her!! Don't just 'assume'.. Maybe she never had opportunity to learn!! Or buy a cooking book and learn cooking together!!

 

[mattbarneswillkillu]

I think you might want to read up on the bible or something if you want to know about love. I know that Love does exist but it's not just with women, it's with everyone and everything.

Haha, yes I do love other things & I do need to touch up on a few verses.

I feel as if I try to be loving to one another as the bible preaches, but i've always seen love fade or become forced in extended relationships.
I know relationships are something you work at, so is love the same way? I have things that I love that didn't require any "work" or at least the work that I put into them didn't cause me to strain to maintain my "love".

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello,

I understand what u mean with your issues about womans. Its diffrent times and behaviors of people now, everything is moving forward. Also attitudes of people. My opinion is that womans want satisfate man and if u carefuly lisen mans what they want?? It is sex not every man ofcourse like not every woman want only sex. Womans act how mans to want them to act often, because they think if they will not they will be not enough attractive todays. The same about clothes everything is moved with todays century and media which are pushing to your head what is right and what is sexy and what not. Next to my opinion womans are more contesting between each other too i dont know why but is like that. People tend to stand in the crowds and no matter if is wrong they just do. Womans was taking ages like objects for sex,cooking,cleaning and they wanted be independent, but if mans will be also not so sexist womans will be maybe also more polite. This is work of both mans and womans, only if u lisen sometimes how mans express about womans then u will maybe figure out why a lot of womans also get misgenuid attitudes. U cant find love only u must search in the right rivers in the community wich u like and thats is church community. I dont try say dont exist womans what dont want to only sex but womans do usually what mans wants and most mans want really S...Look on TV ten woman is there mostly only for one thing and thats is the reason why todays is like that...And no im not feminist.

 

[mattbarneswillkillu]

Oh, and I know couples who had the 'no sex' policy and are happily married now, with kids... Some are quite goodlooking too.. It was opportunity to get to know each other better as a unique person and talk about the important things... Some did make sure to not be alone too much (for temptation reasons) and both agreed on boundaries.. It's best if both went to Church and/or support group for fiancees who wanted to stay chaste until wedding.. Do you know any or can you read about their experiences, if that is what you want?

Yep thanks, this sounds like it would be an ideal situation for me. I guess i've been trying to find people at school and not in church. Although i must say, the church group (here at least) doesnt quite do it for me.
Even if i did find someone with compatible values, (which is harder at this point becuase my perspective is damaged) would their be love? I guess thats an individual answer, it seems as if people just find someone they can put up with for a time and run with it.
My mother and father are among the few that i've experienced unconditional love. And when i say unconditional, i really mean it.
...How many of you would fall out of love if you caught partner sleeping around?
I hate that my mentality has come this, but i think this has happened as a defense mechanism to the times i've been hurt.

 

[Feathers]

You're welcome.

Yep thanks, this sounds like it would be an ideal situation for me. I guess i've been trying to find people at school and not in church. Although i must say, the church group (here at least) doesnt quite do it for me.

Well, I wasn't too happy with the church group here either, though I did 'click' with a few people and then later regretted not ever pursuing it further perhaps - they make great husbands now.. I'm not a very 'religious' person, so I was afraid people at church would be too 'religious' for me, if that makes sense.. (my dad has been overly religious at times) But there's a great variety even among religious people, some are more or less open-minded, a friend who is not religious at all has a lovely (and religious) husband..

Be careful even with girls who go to church - some may 'rebel' a little against their upbringing (and may go 'wild' a bit), you can find out quickly probably, and it depends somewhat on the age group too..
Also, some church groups may be better than others.. Check if there's a special singles church group, or youth groups or seminars with interesting topics, or volunteer groups, where I live such things exist.. There's also Ave Maria Singles if you're Catholic, maybe for other religions too..

Even if i did find someone with compatible values, (which is harder at this point becuase my perspective is damaged) would their be love?

You can't know that, it gives you an option to choose from a 'pool' of like-minded individuals.. You need to get to know a few women without getting too close first.. Their personalities, values, opinions, what is important to them in life.. Then, you can find someone you agree with on most important things, ideally, there's love too.. If not, you keep looking!

it seems as if people just find someone they can put up with for a time and run with it.

That depends on the people. I know some quite unlikely couples that have been together for a loong time now.. Maybe it's good if you can find some examples in real life? Any relatives or friends, or friends of relatives...?
You could interview older people too, like the Granny generations...

My mother and father are among the few that i've experienced unconditional love. And when i say unconditional, i really mean it.
...How many of you would fall out of love if you caught partner sleeping around?

I don't think this is 'unconditional' love.
If there is real love, the partner wouldn't be sleeping around in the first place - except if it was mutually agreed (like in an 'open marriage', but those rarely work...)

I hate that my mentality has come this, but i think this has happened as a defense mechanism to the times i've been hurt.

Yup, I think so too.. You can slowly work on learning more about what real love is, and what it takes to stay together, what worked for other couples... My mum and dad have quarrelled A LOT but they are still together, after many many years.. I sometimes wished they would get divorced (just to stop the quarrelling! lol) but they wouldn't hear of it!!
People whose parents didn't have really happy marriages may marry late or never, and may have difficulties knowing what a good marriage is.. My mum and dad's parents had even worse relationships, so I know that people can learn from parents' mistakes too..

Is love something to work on? I don't know. What is Love?
If it's just the feeling of attraction - that's not something to work on - it's flitting and unreliable.
Mature love - where you embrace and accept and respect the partner and yourself, both as individuals and together as a couple, with imperfections and sunny or bad days and all - yup, that *is* something to work on. It's behavior and attitude, not just language or a feeling... You can learn a lot about good communication and emotional/social intelligence etc.
I recommend you to read some books like Five Languages of Love and such. Maybe this will open your eyes a bit and help you understand things better.

PS Might wanna change the username too

 

[Cynic]

I havent found "that somebody", but then I start to group all women in the same category. That category is encompasses women aged (16-24) - thirsty(sexually), money-hungry, status seeking females.

That describes 99% of all men and women of all age groups.

 

[mattbarneswillkillu]

You're welcome.


Mature love - where you embrace and accept and respect the partner and yourself, both as individuals and together as a couple, with imperfections and sunny or bad days and all - yup, that *is* something to work on. It's behavior and attitude, not just language or a feeling... You can learn a lot about good communication and emotional/social intelligence etc.
I recommend you to read some books like Five Languages of Love and such. Maybe this will open your eyes a bit and help you understand things better.

PS Might wanna change the username too

Feathers, I think this is just what I needed. With the idea of "mature love" I feel better already.

And I most of you probably aren't familiar with Matt Barnes, haha. He is a professional basketball player (Los ANgeles Lakers). He plays with a attitude, so his fans always say "matt barnes will kill you"....i am not matt barnes. Its probably misleading as a username though, i'll see what i can do about changing it::

 

[Feathers]

Feathers, I think this is just what I needed. With the idea of "mature love" I feel better already.

And I most of you probably aren't familiar with Matt Barnes, haha. He is a professional basketball player (Los ANgeles Lakers). He plays with a attitude, so his fans always say "matt barnes will kill you"....i am not matt barnes. Its probably misleading as a username though, i'll see what i can do about changing it::

haha, okay, glad to hear about it... it is a bit misleading I guess..
you can change your username if you ask a mod to change it, just PM one of them..

yup, I can't believe they don't teach this stuff in schools, what real love is and how to accomplish happy successful relationships.. some religions or some religious books speak about these things too.. and there are psychology books and such..
I first read about it in a book by Michel Quoist, French priest.. "With Love Ann Marie, Letters for Growing Up" He wrote this book for girls and one for guys too (though I haven't read that one, not sure if it's translated into English? I could only find spanish version online: El Diario de Daniel ) There are other books on this too, check your library or any religious/catholic bookstore