What's worse: The Loneliness or the guilt?

[worrywort]

What do you think it is that makes you feel bad about your social difficulties? Is it the loneliness, or is there guilt involved?

I know that sounds like a bleak question but I think it could be a potentially encouraging distinction to make because I think for me I've noticed that the guilt is the real reason why I sometimes struggle. For example, if I think of myself as an artist who has a mission, and part of the job of being an artist is to isolate myself and to make sacrifices to my social life so that I can master my art, suddenly my lack of a social life makes sense. It becomes a noble choice; my cross to bear; and I don't feel guilty about it. In fact I feel slightly proud. And when loneliness strikes I can see it through this lens and deep down I don't feel so bad about it.

But on the other hand, sometimes when I isolate myself and I reject invitations and keep my distance from other people, sometimes I feel rude and I feel like I have a bad attitude and I am the one who is responsible for it. When the whole world is out socializing, and it's constantly drummed into you that life is all about love and relationships, it's hard not to feel like I've missed something, that I've failed somehow, that I'm a bad person. And it's when I have thoughts like these that my loneliness feels so much worse because it's mixed with guilt.

So does anyone find that this distinction rings true with them? How do you frame your situation? What stories or justifications do you tell yourself to make yourself feel better? How can we lessen the feelings of guilt and see our loneliness in a more dignified light?

 

[Kiwong]

I'm not lonely, mostly fearful.

And yes, I feel slightly proud of my difference, my desire to live independently, to create on my own terms.

The invitations dried up year ago, my time around people is a sentence to be endured, until I can be on my own again. I feel no guilt about that at all

 

[chibiXphantom]

not sure which is worse. i'd probably say loneliness because that's what i feel the most. i've made it the habit this year to not turn down any invitations unless i'm busy with something or actually can't go for some reason, but when i am busy and cant go to something, i feel really bad for declining the invitation.

 

[Steiner]

After awhile I stopped feeling the guilt. Though that was also when people stopped asking me to go out to places.

 

[AtTheGates]

I dont feel guilty for not being a pawn on someone else's chessboard.

I only feel guilty about the good opportunities I might have missed out on in the past because I was too timid, hesitant, and fearful. ...but i dont dwell on the past much anymore..I'v been thinking alot more about the future and how much better things can be....OR worse...if I choose to let fear get the best of me again.

 

[AlienGeranium]

I don't feel guilty when I don't spend time with other people, I know I'm not good company and would make things worse. I do feel bad when my social shortcomings prevent me from helping people or doing the right thing though. Like if someone is going through a hard time, and I can't be a support because of my anxiety, or am afraid of the bus and can't get a ride to someone.

 

[Argentum]

I don't reject invitations, so it's just the loneliness. I'm one of the people who's unwanted, not one who doesn't want others.

 

[Graeme1988]

I don't feel guilty when I don't spend time with other people, I know I'm not good company and would make things worse. I do feel bad when my social shortcomings prevent me from helping people or doing the right thing though. Like if someone is going through a hard time, and I can't be a support because of my anxiety, or am afraid of the bus and can't get a ride to someone.

I can definitely relate, sadly.

 

[PugofCrydee]

One of the things about SA is the reasons and excuses we as sufferers come up with for denying invitations and social interactions make us feel more secure about denying that interaction.
We simply find ways to justify our actions. Lets not forget that SA is negative condition. It effects our lives in a negative way.

Loneliness in most cases leads to depression. Sure some people learn to cope with it all, but in most cases it would lead to much greater happiness if we never had SA in the first place.
Wouldn't you agree?

 

[Graeme1988]

One of the things about SA is the reasons and excuses we as sufferers come up with for denying invitations and social interactions make us feel more secure about denying that interaction.
We simply find ways to justify our actions. Lets not forget that SA is negative condition. It effects our lives in a negative way.

Loneliness in most cases leads to depression. Sure some people learn to cope with it all, but in most cases it would lead to much greater happiness if we never had SA in the first place.
Wouldn't you agree?

Aye, ye pretty summed it aw up there, Pug. :thumbup:

 

[Kiwong]

I have tried to so******e, most notably at university, I've been to parties, bar nights, bachelor and spinsters balls, gone to lunches and farewells, morning teas at work, but I don't feel happier. To be honest, with rare exceptions, when I am around people I feel miserable.

 

[Graeme1988]

I have tried to so******e, most notably at university, I've been to parties, bar nights, bachelor and spinsters balls, gone to lunches and farewells, morning teas at work, but I don't feel happier. To be honest, with rare exceptions, when I am around people I feel miserable.

Ah know the feelin' all too well, Kiwong.

 

[Psychedelicious]

ffggfg

I think the loneliness is a feel that I experience more strongly, not to say that I don't have any guilt, I certainly do. I don't think my guilt stems from rejecting invitations. I accept a fair amount of them, and I shouldn't have to feel obligated to go somewhere just because someone invited me. It's stressful to be invited two places at once and have to make a decision, especially when I also maybe just want to stay home. There's nothing wrong with being alone sometimes, but if I do it too often the loneliness eats away at me.

 

[Kiwong]

Ah know the feelin' all too well, Kiwong.

Yeah, I've been there lots Graeme. OK I should so******e, I tell myself, but it just creates even more complications.

 

[Graeme1988]

Yeah, I've been there lots Graeme. OK I should so******e, I tell myself, but it just creates even more complications.

Aye, ah do the same thing. But it always backfires for me.

 

[Requiescat]

I used to lie to myself. I used to say I was making sacrifices, that distancing myself from society was my choice. That was a long time ago, now I understand the difference between distancing yourself by choice and becoming a pariah because you can't function normally. You don't have to be isolated to be an artist, yes you must be dedicated to learning yoyr craft and there is a level of introspection that is imperative to you building the perceptive and analytic skills to begin to express yourself, but genuine isolation?

As per guilt. I feel guilty about being a disappointment to my parents. I feel guilty about cheating myself of a life. I look back and see so many instances where doing something different would have been the catalyst to turning in at all around. Often I already knew I was backing out of doing the right thing. There is nothing heavier than that kind of regret in my opinion.

 

[onehandclapping]

these feelings often pass.

I get the guilt thing, but then that's simply societies projection of what they think I am supposed to be doing.. adverts on tv with people being social, doing all sorts of social things. a lot of advertising is trying to sell you an idea of a lifestyle to live, even those which engage with the world in that way, their lives don't meet the ideals that are proposed in magazines and on tv. i've found its rare that you meet someone who is a walking testament to some sort of celeb lifestyle, who has smashed their bucket list of things to do and seems to have done all the things which are romanticized in movies or biographies. we don't all live like that yet we are being encouraged to do so. the cynic in me tells me that its a ploy constructed by the wealthy just to get us to spend more, engage with consumer lifestyle and buy more products as we do so. chasing this chance of happiness like we are chasing the dragon.

we are all individuals, we should live like we are.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm finding this whole topic a bit muddy in my mind to sort out. The question of, am I guilty, is a tricky one to answer. Have I done something wrong? Have I failed to socialize properly or to the right extent? Have I let my attitude slip?

It's tricky because, our feelings of guilt aren't always accurate. Sometimes we feel guilty when we've done nothing wrong. As onehandclapping pointed out, sometimes our guilt comes from failing to live up to an expectation that was imposed on us by our society and may not necessarily be a reasonable expectation to have on reflection. I think this is often the case.

Also, this idea that we make up excuses to justify our actions so that we can feel more secure, that PugofCrydee mentioned. I'm not sure it's necessarily a bad thing. I'm sure it's true, that if you talked to the most evil people on the planet they'd have all kinds of justifications as to why their actions were permissible or excusable. Sure. They're reframing bad things to make themselves look good. But on the other side of the coin our frames can often be faulty, and we'll see ourselves in a bad light when we needn't. For example, we tell ourselves that we're ugly, that we're worthless, that things will never get better. Or we'll be embarrassed that we talk to ourselves, until one day we reframe it and tell ourselves, there's nothing wrong with it, we're not hurting anyone, it's actually kinda funny! The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and can turn a bleak situation into a positive one. Obviously you can go too far with it, so we have to go careful. But I don't think it'd hurt if people with SA saw themselves in a more dignified light. I think many of us are fighting very difficult battles that are invisible to others, and maybe this deserves more credit. Maybe we should be more proud. Many people with other disabilities are treated with huge amounts of respect, like heroes almost, but it's nearly unthinkable to imagine an SA sufferer receiving similar treatment.

I had other thoughts but I'll leave it there.

 

[Requiescat]

Onehandclapping, what the media tries to sell us is a superficial image. The train-wreck lives of celebrities is the ultimate spectacle of that. It teaches us to be egocentric, selfish, greedy and everything that goes with it. It's most certainly not the answer. The more I see these super extroverts the more I marvel at how they talk incessantly without ever saying anything, never listen and never read social cues from each other. I don't want to be like that at all, but I do want to be functional. We are social beings, and there are things that are normal for us to do and be. That's what I am looking for.

 

[Bo592]

I would have to say the guilt is what keep me from acting happy and friendly to be around others. The Loneliness come and goes for me some times I am happy to be alone and some times not.

I had the guilt under control pretty good for some time in fact I was about to make a thread about how good I was doing. But then I had to have a family reunion and they had to tell me how wrong I was and I got push back in the corner.