But perhaps it can be distilled down to a clear-cut, boolean fact that humans are one way, or the other: a. Always happy, laughing, friendful, successful, love, kiss every human, animal, goodwilled, prosperous, religious, smoking person. Born to be happy.
Type b. Who makes every type a. person run away from them. Type b. don't belong.
Boolean. Nice word, man!
There is no type A and type B, I am a hundred percent positive it is an illusion.
In fact, this very illusion causes all the problems we have to go through.
To me, SA is curse as well as bliss - if you are honest to yourself, it's not all bad, it CAN'T be. Sure, it is frustrating, numbing, shackling, disturbing etc. Whenever I have to endure some awkward s.hit, I realize the curse part is kicking in, but sooner or later I know the experience can be transformed into something of 'higher nature' - you can use these encounters with SA for your own good. How? It's up to you. Personally, I use it for my writing and other ideas. SA also made me a great observer, which I am truly grateful for.
/Excuse me, if this is too much optimism for you, I have one of my happy phases right now, mainly because I have found this page./
Before you'd think I'm not taking it as hard up the a.ss as you guys do, let me tell you how my days go. I have to wake up early in the morning for a german course (or curse) which is quite uncomfortable, given that I have some sleeping problems too.
So I am already psyched with sleep deprivation when I sit on the bus surrounded by the hostile-looking strangers and all,
enjoy my full-blown paranoia until noon in the classroom at the round tables, produce crunchy stomach noises (had no time for breakfast) catching foul glances from the corner of my eyes, condemning words whispered behind my back, steadily avoiding eye contact, enduring the pains of Partnerarbeit,
in the break trying to look occupied and not at all emberassed, sometimes spending some time alone in the closet,
coming back from the break, oh shhh... break's not over yet, let's pretend I'm flipping through this book, woo, how stupid is that? There's only me, the teacher and some dumb kid on his smart phone. Complete silence. Should I say something?...
Usually at noon an incredibly strong feeling of being homesick hits me, but it's very pleasant. I feel like a total stranger, but it's okay, because I know shortly I'll be on my own again.
I've always had the curious feeling that I am only socializing to experience the relief afterwards. Meeting myself after these stressful sessions is like meeting an old friend. Not so cool, not very witty, but still a friend. A friend in front of whom I can fart, make mistakes, be stupid, emotional, angry and all that stuff.
Do you ever feel this way?
