Urge to sever friendships

[Zod]

I'm tired of always being the one that initiates contact all the time and at this point I'm like f*** em. It's not worth it anymore and it just brings me down. Since making some radical changes to myself a few years ago to be more initiative taking, it seems like people had already given up on me and never gave me a second chance.

My "friends" are always either too busy, or not enthusiastic at all.
My family, which consists only of my older siblings, also seem to not give a damn anymore about me.

I know it's a bad, bitter, and possibly self destructive urge, and yes I know it's probably better to keep in touch, but I feel like just removing them from my life to see if they actually care for me at all. Just as an experiment, I won't call/contact any of them for a while, to see what happens.
In the meanwhile I will try to initiate new friendships.

 

[Odo]

I've had this problem as well.

I've come to believe it's because people are essentially lazy so if you set yourself up as the person who initiates contact in the relationship, they'll come to expect that every time.

 

[Diend]

Are you overcompensating for your past shyness by being extremely outgoing?

 

[Zod]

Not really.

But I've always had ups and downs in my degree of outgoingness. I'm not extremely shy nor extremely outgoing. I just took more effort to be interested in people, like normal people who make appointments to meet. But it frustrates me that I don't get anything back.

 

[jaim38]

I have the exact same problem. I am almost always the person who initiates contact with my friends. I contact them, they respond. But they don't take the initiative to contact me which makes me wonder if they've forgotten about me, they're too busy for friendships, or they are lazy. Even though most of my friends move away to other cities and states, I send them e-cards for their b-days and holidays but I don't do this anymore because they didn't respond.

I also feel the urge to sever the friendships. I tried not contacting my friends for months, and guess what? no one cared! I get more phone calls from wrong numbers and companies than from friends.

 

[The Lost]

The way I see it: friendships are 50/50 or not at all.

 

[theoutsider]

I had friends like that before. One day I just had to make the hard choice that I wouldn't sever the friendship, I just wouldn't contact them anymore unless they contacted me first. It was a good test to see which ones really valued my friendship and which ones don't. Sadly, out of 8 "friends" only one took the time to initiate contact with me once they realized they hadn't heard from me for a while. I'm okay with it. I was done with being the one to chase these people down. I would rather have 5 good friends than 100 acquaintances who view me merely as an afterthought. Having too many negative people around you will do a number on your self esteem.

 

[Hoppy]

I've decided after another "too busy", that I am also "too busy". I prefer to spend my free time looking for people who are not too busy for me.

I don't like the 50/50 approach. Time, reasons and people change too much, but if I've known people for many years and I still feel unwanted I wave goodbye.

 

[Zod]

I've decided after another "too busy", that I am also "too busy". I prefer to spend my free time looking for people who are not too busy for me.

I don't like the 50/50 approach. Time, reasons and people change too much, but if I've known people for many years and I still feel unwanted I wave goodbye.

I agree. It's frustrating to let go though, and part of me feels like I should still be trying with these people to atleast have some sort of a social life going on. On the other hand there's also an anger towards them, which I feel. I've called them apathetic losers many times in my mind when another weekend passes by hearing nothing from anybody, but I know deep down I'm just the same way and I could be trying more. Wallowing in anger and self-pity doesn't help.

Starting from scratch with new friends is very hard and I'm 27, so my college life (which is when people make friends for life supposedly) is already past.

 

[Hoppy]

Not hearing from somebody is bad enough, but I tend to draw the line when I get told about the wonderful weekend they had with all their friends and I haven't been invited.

It is a difficult decision to make, most of the times I decided to cut ties was after a single unacceptable incident on top of years of neglect.

These days I have social contact with 2 people, one school friend who occasionally phone me (to tell me about all the issues he have in the gay community he moves in), and one female whom I text with (never talk, she got issues).

I also have some very tenuous contact with people in an informal club I belong to with 4 meetings a year, and a brother and parents I see weekly, and people I work with but don't socialize with.

Do I like it? Not really, but the attempts I had to solve the situation didn't work, and my present living conditions do not lead to other attempts, so these past 4 years I just tread water, waiting for change.

 

[hippiechild]

I know just how you feel..

Just keep going till you can't any more, towards your dreams. Never stop until you know that you've found what you were made for. Because without that, if we cannot even be ourselves... then who can we be?

 

[nicole1]

I've severed most of mine and can hardly stand being close to people. People are hard work. I had one friend who would get upset if i contacted him if he was online and would ignore me. People are hard to read and are often...misunderstanding of my enthusiasm and nice.

So, I tend to be short or just stay to myself. It's easier that way.

 

[ronraltz]

after I loosened up and acted more natural, my social life improved. Apparently I was more popular than I thought. It's just that people wanted to see me more relaxed and laid back.

 

[jc972]

I've severed quite a few. When they'd text me and the message started with "hey can you make me a" "hey can you fix my" '' will you loan me" "will you take me" ''can you weld this together". I just got fed up with it. It was always me taking their stuff and fixing it or building them stuff and it just got old. Years of fixing cars and guns and tools and never a "thank you"... Not my problem anymore!

 

[Zod]

after I loosened up and acted more natural, my social life improved. Apparently I was more popular than I thought. It's just that people wanted to see me more relaxed and laid back.

That's good to hear. I imagine if you feel good and relaxed, then people will feel that relaxed energy emitting from you and want to be around you. I've noticed this too at times.

I've severed most of mine and can hardly stand being close to people. People are hard work. I had one friend who would get upset if i contacted him if he was online and would ignore me. People are hard to read and are often...misunderstanding of my enthusiasm and nice.

So, I tend to be short or just stay to myself. It's easier that way.

Understandable. But maybe you just need a new batch of friends you have more in common with? You do seem to be outgoing, but let down because of unenthusiastic replies from your previous friends. I kinda have the same with mine; no initiative, no "hey wanna go do a beer in town" even when there's plenty of opportunity. If it always comes from me, then it gets terribly frustrating. I know it may not necessarily be that they don't want to go out, maybe they're just too lazy or socially clueless. I hope not hearing from me will send a hint, but there's little hope. Maybe I just have to accept that they have different ideas of friendship and move on to find others.

 

[nicole1]

That's good to hear. I imagine if you feel good and relaxed, then people will feel that relaxed energy emitting from you and want to be around you. I've noticed this too at times.



Understandable. But maybe you just need a new batch of friends you have more in common with? You do seem to be outgoing, but let down because of unenthusiastic replies from your previous friends. I kinda have the same with mine; no initiative, no "hey wanna go do a beer in town" even when there's plenty of opportunity. If it always comes from me, then it gets terribly frustrating. I know it may not necessarily be that they don't want to go out, maybe they're just too lazy or socially clueless. I hope not hearing from me will send a hint, but there's little hope. Maybe I just have to accept that they have different ideas of friendship and move on to find others.

I'm an introvert. I meant the happiness that I have when I speak sometimes. One friend just stopped talking to me b/c her other friend was moving near her. Another moved out of town... I don't know how to make new friends but I'm perfectly fine for now.

I think being an introvert, it's harder finding friends who are just like me who are okay with me wanting space here and there or wanting more quiet activities.

 

[Zod]

Ah yeah, I think I kinda have both an extrovert (mothers) and introvert (fathers) side that sometimes battle for dominion inside me. I definately need my quiet time, but I also from time to time want to indulge in being social and having fun (alas, no opportunities).

 

[neardeath]

I agree. It's frustrating to let go though, and part of me feels like I should still be trying with these people to atleast have some sort of a social life going on. On the other hand there's also an anger towards them, which I feel. I've called them apathetic losers many times in my mind when another weekend passes by hearing nothing from anybody, but I know deep down I'm just the same way and I could be trying more. Wallowing in anger and self-pity doesn't help.

Starting from scratch with new friends is very hard and I'm 27, so my college life (which is when people make friends for life supposedly) is already past.

Finding new friends is difficult, but at 54 I am looking for some new ones as well. I'm going to look in new places. I'm going to look for thinking and respectful people. People who are doing things, going places.

Even though I feel like a loser compared to highly educated folks, or people who aren't mentally ill, or people who actually have memory and can carry on conversations, I want to have some new friends who might challenge me. Just once I'd like to have a friend who isn't as depressed and tired as I am. Old friends were from recovery communities, support groups, etc, which is fine, but there are other things to base friendship on and I want to experience that.

Good luck, Zod. There's a whole world out there.