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- Thread starter Odo
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Odo
Banned
I'm leaving in 2 days... and there will be no one saying goodbye to me. I have no one to visit, no one to talk to, nothing I particularly want to do, and nowhere that I really want to go. Today I sat in my room and then sorted some coins. I can't even remember the majority of what I did today...
I saw some students downtown and they seemed a little sad to see me go, which is encouraging I guess.
I saw some students downtown and they seemed a little sad to see me go, which is encouraging I guess.
Odo
Banned
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday, and it's starting to be an annual tradition that I'm going to be spending it alone. For a while now, it seems like each year has been getting lonelier and lonelier.
Except for my parents, I have never been in a situation where I am leaving a place and people have said goodbye... and this has happened 7 times now. Each and every one of those experiences has either been empty or negative. I guess the fact that it happens so often probably means that I'm to blame... I seriously feel like I leave a trail of resentment wherever I go. Or maybe just indifference, because people never really get to know me.
I don't think I could take being much lonelier than this. I guess in a way the only reason I haven't killed myself or turned into a complete raving nutcase is because working with kids means that I have people to talk to and that I have some degree of social interaction in my life. It's definitely not the same thing as having friends or a relationship, but I do like the students... I wish I could appear less uncomfortable with their affections but yeah, I am pretty uncomfortable, and I've kept my distance from them for the most part.
I think at my age, I actually feel uncomfortable with the idea of making friends with someone. It's really hard not to feel jaded, or like they're just going to get bored or that you're going to drift apart. Not that I've had many opportunities to make friends, just that yeah... it's not the same as it used to be, and the irony is that I feel like it's probably easier to make friends here where people don't have as much choice than it is to make friends back home.
When I lived in New Zealand, practically everyone I met kept their distance. I was either an in-school only friend or they found someone that they liked better and stopped talking to me. Everyone else seemed to either instantly despise me, keep their distance, or I guess I just wasn't getting what I was supposed to do to make people like me.
I've always sort of been a bottom-feeder socially, picking up the scraps and ending up with other bottom-feeders or awkward neurotics like me. The thing about the bottom feeders is that they haven't changed much since high school-- they hate themselves for being at the bottom and they only keep each other company because they need each other... remove that need and they probably wouldn't be friends. It's a sad, dark place at the bottom... but the thing is, I'm not entirely sure I don't belong there.
Even saying these things-- as honest as they may be, they're also nasty. They're cold. They're ugly. I think they're true but there are certain things about people that most don't want to face, and facing anything but 'most humans are such wonderful creatures and deserve to be happy' can make a lot of people uncomfortable. Nobody wants to feel like they're at the bottom, even if they are.... I don't even want to feel like I'm at the bottom and I'm willing to privately admit to myself that that's where I am.
I guess it would be nice to try to feel something or be able to make people feel good about themselves when they're around me, but I'm not sure if I could ever do that. I do genuinely respect some people in this world, but I know that there's usually a gulf between those people and myself that is impossible to cross... they can see me on the other side and feel like maybe there's something inside me that could have led to me being on their side, but ultimately they don't have the time, the strength, or the will to help me across... and really, they shouldn't, because chances are I would drag them down. That's pretty much who I am.
Except for my parents, I have never been in a situation where I am leaving a place and people have said goodbye... and this has happened 7 times now. Each and every one of those experiences has either been empty or negative. I guess the fact that it happens so often probably means that I'm to blame... I seriously feel like I leave a trail of resentment wherever I go. Or maybe just indifference, because people never really get to know me.
I don't think I could take being much lonelier than this. I guess in a way the only reason I haven't killed myself or turned into a complete raving nutcase is because working with kids means that I have people to talk to and that I have some degree of social interaction in my life. It's definitely not the same thing as having friends or a relationship, but I do like the students... I wish I could appear less uncomfortable with their affections but yeah, I am pretty uncomfortable, and I've kept my distance from them for the most part.
I think at my age, I actually feel uncomfortable with the idea of making friends with someone. It's really hard not to feel jaded, or like they're just going to get bored or that you're going to drift apart. Not that I've had many opportunities to make friends, just that yeah... it's not the same as it used to be, and the irony is that I feel like it's probably easier to make friends here where people don't have as much choice than it is to make friends back home.
When I lived in New Zealand, practically everyone I met kept their distance. I was either an in-school only friend or they found someone that they liked better and stopped talking to me. Everyone else seemed to either instantly despise me, keep their distance, or I guess I just wasn't getting what I was supposed to do to make people like me.
I've always sort of been a bottom-feeder socially, picking up the scraps and ending up with other bottom-feeders or awkward neurotics like me. The thing about the bottom feeders is that they haven't changed much since high school-- they hate themselves for being at the bottom and they only keep each other company because they need each other... remove that need and they probably wouldn't be friends. It's a sad, dark place at the bottom... but the thing is, I'm not entirely sure I don't belong there.
Even saying these things-- as honest as they may be, they're also nasty. They're cold. They're ugly. I think they're true but there are certain things about people that most don't want to face, and facing anything but 'most humans are such wonderful creatures and deserve to be happy' can make a lot of people uncomfortable. Nobody wants to feel like they're at the bottom, even if they are.... I don't even want to feel like I'm at the bottom and I'm willing to privately admit to myself that that's where I am.
I guess it would be nice to try to feel something or be able to make people feel good about themselves when they're around me, but I'm not sure if I could ever do that. I do genuinely respect some people in this world, but I know that there's usually a gulf between those people and myself that is impossible to cross... they can see me on the other side and feel like maybe there's something inside me that could have led to me being on their side, but ultimately they don't have the time, the strength, or the will to help me across... and really, they shouldn't, because chances are I would drag them down. That's pretty much who I am.
Odo
Banned
So I got home yesterday and was stopped at customs for an hour because they wanted to search my computer and disk drives. I had to give them my password and they looked through everything with some sort of scanner thing.
I felt absolutely horribly embarrassed because I spend sooo much time on my computer and it was full of stuff... all kinds of downloaded movies and tv shows and yes, even some porn (I'm a guy, so yeah I look at porn-- good luck finding someone who doesn't). So yeah, they know my fetishes and also know what a sad pathetic life I lead to have that much stuff on my hard drives.
It took them like an hour of looking through before they realized I did not have any bestiality or child porn... but in the meantime they asked me all kinds of horrible creepy questions about what age I was teaching... and they were I guess trying to be friendly asking about my music stuff but seriously after 12 sleepless hours in the middle seat on a freaking plane and with these horrible police officers singling you out for being a single male I was not in the mood to be friendly or have a ****ing conversation.
I have never given my computer password to anyone ever before and to be honest I do not even think I was obligated to... but I was worried that if I said no they would have held me up much longer. They were also complete idiots trying to convince me that the cord I was giving them for the drives did not fit and they were acting like I was being all dodgy and I seriously felt like a creep. I guess part of how creepy I felt was because te bathroom on the plane had a mirror so I could see my bald spot and my weird long neck and how ugly and creepy and horrible I am... and I guess that people look at me being anxious and nervous and not really being able to speak very loudly and that does not help me with making a good impression. It might have been the Thailand stamps in my passport and the fact that I was leaving Korea, but I cannot help thinking that it is because of the way I look or carry myself or my personality... but maybe that is the SA speaking.
I was really nervous that I was going to get in trouble for the literally hundreds or even thousands of movies and probably millions of songs that I have downloaded illegally over the past 3 years, but apparently they did not care about that... so it was just the humiliation of having them see that I have a not insignificant amount of porn on my hard drives and I guess also the scouring of what has basically been my entire sad pathetic life for the past 3 years.
I woke up this morning and I was still embarrassed and I do not feel good about myself... I have never really felt comfortable talking about that kind of thing and they did not need to admit that they looked at porn and there were women there so yeah, I felt terrible. But I guess I am admitting it now here anyways.
I felt absolutely horribly embarrassed because I spend sooo much time on my computer and it was full of stuff... all kinds of downloaded movies and tv shows and yes, even some porn (I'm a guy, so yeah I look at porn-- good luck finding someone who doesn't). So yeah, they know my fetishes and also know what a sad pathetic life I lead to have that much stuff on my hard drives.
It took them like an hour of looking through before they realized I did not have any bestiality or child porn... but in the meantime they asked me all kinds of horrible creepy questions about what age I was teaching... and they were I guess trying to be friendly asking about my music stuff but seriously after 12 sleepless hours in the middle seat on a freaking plane and with these horrible police officers singling you out for being a single male I was not in the mood to be friendly or have a ****ing conversation.
I have never given my computer password to anyone ever before and to be honest I do not even think I was obligated to... but I was worried that if I said no they would have held me up much longer. They were also complete idiots trying to convince me that the cord I was giving them for the drives did not fit and they were acting like I was being all dodgy and I seriously felt like a creep. I guess part of how creepy I felt was because te bathroom on the plane had a mirror so I could see my bald spot and my weird long neck and how ugly and creepy and horrible I am... and I guess that people look at me being anxious and nervous and not really being able to speak very loudly and that does not help me with making a good impression. It might have been the Thailand stamps in my passport and the fact that I was leaving Korea, but I cannot help thinking that it is because of the way I look or carry myself or my personality... but maybe that is the SA speaking.
I was really nervous that I was going to get in trouble for the literally hundreds or even thousands of movies and probably millions of songs that I have downloaded illegally over the past 3 years, but apparently they did not care about that... so it was just the humiliation of having them see that I have a not insignificant amount of porn on my hard drives and I guess also the scouring of what has basically been my entire sad pathetic life for the past 3 years.
I woke up this morning and I was still embarrassed and I do not feel good about myself... I have never really felt comfortable talking about that kind of thing and they did not need to admit that they looked at porn and there were women there so yeah, I felt terrible. But I guess I am admitting it now here anyways.
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Odo
Banned
Today my parents wanted me to go to a party. Apparently there were going to be people around my age there and they wanted me to meet them, but I chickened out. I was a little tired but really I just didn't want to have to meet new people. I was afraid I would make a bad impression or wouldn`t be able to speak up enough and then I would be stuck there.
The worst part was that they just kept insisting that I go and eventually my parents refused to go because I didn't want to. I felt absolutely horrible because I didn`t want them to not go just because of me. Maybe it would have been a good opportunity to meet people but for some reason I just didn`t want to deal with it.
I`m still feeling bad about the airport customs thing and I hate my haircut and I guess I just don`t want to feel so out of place. I probably made a mistake by not going.
The worst part was that they just kept insisting that I go and eventually my parents refused to go because I didn't want to. I felt absolutely horrible because I didn`t want them to not go just because of me. Maybe it would have been a good opportunity to meet people but for some reason I just didn`t want to deal with it.
I`m still feeling bad about the airport customs thing and I hate my haircut and I guess I just don`t want to feel so out of place. I probably made a mistake by not going.
Odo
Banned
Thanks neardeath.
Yes, I was genuinely very tired yesterday because I hadn't been getting enough sleep.
I could have pushed myself a bit I guess... I had a nap in the afternoon but it wasn't enough... we went into town instead and saw this local event and I was so out of it for the whole thing... and then I came home and collapsed from 8:30pm to 4:30 am.
My parents always stress me out about things, and I don't like being home. They were laying all kinds of messed up guilt trips on me about going to this party and I was just thinking it was something that they had wanted to do with me tagging along... I really didn't think it was going to be such a huge deal to not go considering these are people I've never met but they just went on and on about how I needed to change my life and how I've been so isolated for so long and all of this stupid retarded shit... my dad even said 'then why did you come home?' and I seriously wanted to smack him for being so dumb. Yeah, I guess I should go back then just because I'm not going to ONE PARTY that your friends are having. I'm not even going to live here on a long term basis and I'm supposed to be forging bonds with people I'll never see again and if I don't I'm going to be doomed to a life of misery and suffering.
TWO DAYS at home and they're already pulling this shit. Last time I came home for three days and on the third day my dad started yelling at me for not having a plan for what to do with my life... I guess that was sort of different because I didn't have any money then but seriously now I'm 35 ****ing years old with enough money to at least get me through the next year or two without work and they're trying to control it all-- telling me to invest money I might need to survive while looking for a job and then guilting me whenever I don't do what they say.
The other night my mom snapped at me and said that we needed to hurry up and get into the restaurant because my dad has diabetes-- just because I was spending 30 seconds trying to get my jacket out of the trunk because I was cold. And this after driving around for a good hour or so looking for a place to eat-- somehow that 30 seconds was going to put him over the edge.
I'm starting to wonder if they have always been this way-- maybe this is where my SA comes from.
Yes, I was genuinely very tired yesterday because I hadn't been getting enough sleep.
I could have pushed myself a bit I guess... I had a nap in the afternoon but it wasn't enough... we went into town instead and saw this local event and I was so out of it for the whole thing... and then I came home and collapsed from 8:30pm to 4:30 am.
My parents always stress me out about things, and I don't like being home. They were laying all kinds of messed up guilt trips on me about going to this party and I was just thinking it was something that they had wanted to do with me tagging along... I really didn't think it was going to be such a huge deal to not go considering these are people I've never met but they just went on and on about how I needed to change my life and how I've been so isolated for so long and all of this stupid retarded shit... my dad even said 'then why did you come home?' and I seriously wanted to smack him for being so dumb. Yeah, I guess I should go back then just because I'm not going to ONE PARTY that your friends are having. I'm not even going to live here on a long term basis and I'm supposed to be forging bonds with people I'll never see again and if I don't I'm going to be doomed to a life of misery and suffering.
TWO DAYS at home and they're already pulling this shit. Last time I came home for three days and on the third day my dad started yelling at me for not having a plan for what to do with my life... I guess that was sort of different because I didn't have any money then but seriously now I'm 35 ****ing years old with enough money to at least get me through the next year or two without work and they're trying to control it all-- telling me to invest money I might need to survive while looking for a job and then guilting me whenever I don't do what they say.
The other night my mom snapped at me and said that we needed to hurry up and get into the restaurant because my dad has diabetes-- just because I was spending 30 seconds trying to get my jacket out of the trunk because I was cold. And this after driving around for a good hour or so looking for a place to eat-- somehow that 30 seconds was going to put him over the edge.
I'm starting to wonder if they have always been this way-- maybe this is where my SA comes from.
Odo
Banned
So today I woke up and smiled at my beautiful wife and said goodbye to my kids before I went to my awesome job where everyone loves me and then smiled at the new girl at work, who is hot and in love with me. Then I told jokes all day long and everyone laughed and thought I was great. In the afternoon I had a huge presentation and my social anxiety disorder started acting up but luckily it went away when I had to do the actual presentation so I was lucky and the guy I was presenting to was super impressed.
Later that night I went to dinner with my coworkers and we had a great time, then we hit the clubs which are obviously no problem for me, and I met all kinds of new people and was super friendly and outgoing even though I have social anxiety.
It sure does suck to have social anxiety!
Later that night I went to dinner with my coworkers and we had a great time, then we hit the clubs which are obviously no problem for me, and I met all kinds of new people and was super friendly and outgoing even though I have social anxiety.
It sure does suck to have social anxiety!
Odo
Banned
I don't like living with my parents. It has only been one week and it's definitely not in any way a permanent thing, but yeah... I'm getting upset.
This might sound dumb but when we were in the supermarket yesterday one of his friends came up and they talked about how my parents were actually going out and doing things (which is special for them) and he said something like 'just make sure you know that it's not going to be like that forever'... I can't explain why, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. It was like an insult to my intelligence, my maturity and my current position as an unemployed person without really any idea of what I want to do with myself... yes, I know what life is like, thank you.
I've been feeling pretty anxious off and on whenever we go into town or are around people... I can't really explain it, it's like at any second someone is going to walk around the corner and see me and I'm going to have to talk to them and suffer through some sort of horrible social exchange. I know this is going to sound super lame but whenever we're out in public I always try to make sure that my parents deal with the people at the cash registers.
This might sound dumb but when we were in the supermarket yesterday one of his friends came up and they talked about how my parents were actually going out and doing things (which is special for them) and he said something like 'just make sure you know that it's not going to be like that forever'... I can't explain why, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. It was like an insult to my intelligence, my maturity and my current position as an unemployed person without really any idea of what I want to do with myself... yes, I know what life is like, thank you.
I've been feeling pretty anxious off and on whenever we go into town or are around people... I can't really explain it, it's like at any second someone is going to walk around the corner and see me and I'm going to have to talk to them and suffer through some sort of horrible social exchange. I know this is going to sound super lame but whenever we're out in public I always try to make sure that my parents deal with the people at the cash registers.
Odo
Banned
I think I'm mostly worried about finding the confidence to go on a job interview. I know I said I wanted to do the film but I'd still prefer to have at least SOME money coming in... enough to pay for the basics.
I'm also starting to really wonder just how much living in that shithole/abroad for so long has distorted my sense of how things are in a normal society. I'm already annoyed by how things that shouldn't be so expensive here actually are expensive... and it's mostly because people here just assume it's supposed to be like that and don't actually demand the kinds of changes that would make things easier for everyone.
I seriously think that Canada is hugely corrupt... the problem is that no matter what happens or what we do, we have this powerful image of ourselves as being harmless or in some weird way, ideal.
I'm also starting to really wonder just how much living in that shithole/abroad for so long has distorted my sense of how things are in a normal society. I'm already annoyed by how things that shouldn't be so expensive here actually are expensive... and it's mostly because people here just assume it's supposed to be like that and don't actually demand the kinds of changes that would make things easier for everyone.
I seriously think that Canada is hugely corrupt... the problem is that no matter what happens or what we do, we have this powerful image of ourselves as being harmless or in some weird way, ideal.
Odo
Banned
Yup, I'm bored.
I'm going to start working on my resume today though I have no idea what kind of job I want to get. It would be nice to be working right now but yeah... not sure what or where.
Part of me is giving serious thought to becoming a truck driver, but on the other hand I'm not sure that being isolated at work as well as in my personal life would be a good thing. At least at school I talked to the kids and my co-workers. I guess I could talk to hitchhikers.... but yeah, that could be dangerous.
I wouldn't mind doing something in politics, actually... like writing speeches or something. I'm not sure how I would get to that point but I think I'm pretty good at articulating convincing arguments... and I'm pretty sure that both sides are capable of making coherent points, so it wouldn't really matter where I ended up.
I'm going to start working on my resume today though I have no idea what kind of job I want to get. It would be nice to be working right now but yeah... not sure what or where.
Part of me is giving serious thought to becoming a truck driver, but on the other hand I'm not sure that being isolated at work as well as in my personal life would be a good thing. At least at school I talked to the kids and my co-workers. I guess I could talk to hitchhikers.... but yeah, that could be dangerous.
I wouldn't mind doing something in politics, actually... like writing speeches or something. I'm not sure how I would get to that point but I think I'm pretty good at articulating convincing arguments... and I'm pretty sure that both sides are capable of making coherent points, so it wouldn't really matter where I ended up.
Odo
Banned
All that I can put on my resume in terms of skills and experiences are the things that I'm totally burned out on. Just looking at my resume is making me nervous-- it's like every marketable facet of my life causes me stress.
It seems to be coaxing me into some sort of school that I just do not want to spend money on. Maybe I should just try to live on my wits... my problem is that I always feel like I need to get approval from my parents on everything, even when I'm 35 and reasonably independent-- and they're not good people to get approval from because they're extremely narrow-minded and have never really done their own thing. I don't know why I feel the need to get their approval at my age... maybe it's a personal weakness that I need to look to other people before I act. It's probably one of the reasons why I have such low self-esteem.... I can't tell them anything without them steering it into 'you need to get a job working for someone else you need to impress other people you need to have a job you can't just move to a new city with no job, etc'. It's that kind of thinking that prevents me from being as free as I probably should have been when I was younger-- all of this 'you must act according to the plan and you are free but you must act according to the plan or you will fail'. I think that they mean well but yeah, I still haven't escaped their control because I still depend on them emotionally and for guidance. I think that if I had an SO, I might have already stepped up and done my own thing... I almost had that once and I felt like I was on the verge of finally becoming someone I could respect, but then it ended... and I simply ran out of reasons to become a better person.
Anyhow, today I went with my dad to buy corn from the Amish... I have so much respect for those people. The kids just sort of stood there and stared at me like they wanted to say something but couldn't... because they aren't allowed or more likely because they don't speak English. But yeah, those people seem so happy.
The mothers are baby factories spitting out a kid every 2 years... the family had 11 children in it... I haven't met the wives-- maybe they're really unhappy but at the same time I'm not sure that they're any less happy than most of the women I've met.
The kids are so well-behaved and so adorable, can speak 2 languages, are always working hard, have skills that actually connect them to their work and the results of their work, and are pretty much always smiling and friendly to everyone.
I know I could never have that kind of life because I'm too lazy, weak and soft... but yeah, those people are made of gold.
It seems to be coaxing me into some sort of school that I just do not want to spend money on. Maybe I should just try to live on my wits... my problem is that I always feel like I need to get approval from my parents on everything, even when I'm 35 and reasonably independent-- and they're not good people to get approval from because they're extremely narrow-minded and have never really done their own thing. I don't know why I feel the need to get their approval at my age... maybe it's a personal weakness that I need to look to other people before I act. It's probably one of the reasons why I have such low self-esteem.... I can't tell them anything without them steering it into 'you need to get a job working for someone else you need to impress other people you need to have a job you can't just move to a new city with no job, etc'. It's that kind of thinking that prevents me from being as free as I probably should have been when I was younger-- all of this 'you must act according to the plan and you are free but you must act according to the plan or you will fail'. I think that they mean well but yeah, I still haven't escaped their control because I still depend on them emotionally and for guidance. I think that if I had an SO, I might have already stepped up and done my own thing... I almost had that once and I felt like I was on the verge of finally becoming someone I could respect, but then it ended... and I simply ran out of reasons to become a better person.
Anyhow, today I went with my dad to buy corn from the Amish... I have so much respect for those people. The kids just sort of stood there and stared at me like they wanted to say something but couldn't... because they aren't allowed or more likely because they don't speak English. But yeah, those people seem so happy.
The mothers are baby factories spitting out a kid every 2 years... the family had 11 children in it... I haven't met the wives-- maybe they're really unhappy but at the same time I'm not sure that they're any less happy than most of the women I've met.
The kids are so well-behaved and so adorable, can speak 2 languages, are always working hard, have skills that actually connect them to their work and the results of their work, and are pretty much always smiling and friendly to everyone.
I know I could never have that kind of life because I'm too lazy, weak and soft... but yeah, those people are made of gold.
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Odo
Banned
I'm starting to think I should just give up on this journal.
Ultimately, I don't think that anyone is getting anything out of it... it's mostly just making me realize how difficult I am. I post on this site so much and yet I don't really feel very connected to any of the regulars and I keep wondering if I'm actually just deluding myself that it will ever be satisfying or not feel like a waste of time. I guess I didn't really have any concrete goals by signing up here... I think the problem is that it's a little slow combined with the detachment of online communities and the general feeling that people who come here would rather be doing something else, or that this is sort of an online limbo for people who hope to eventually leave forever. How are you supposed to build a community out of people who would rather not be here?
Anyways, yeah... maybe I'll put this on hold for a while.
Ultimately, I don't think that anyone is getting anything out of it... it's mostly just making me realize how difficult I am. I post on this site so much and yet I don't really feel very connected to any of the regulars and I keep wondering if I'm actually just deluding myself that it will ever be satisfying or not feel like a waste of time. I guess I didn't really have any concrete goals by signing up here... I think the problem is that it's a little slow combined with the detachment of online communities and the general feeling that people who come here would rather be doing something else, or that this is sort of an online limbo for people who hope to eventually leave forever. How are you supposed to build a community out of people who would rather not be here?
Anyways, yeah... maybe I'll put this on hold for a while.
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Odo
Banned
Yeah, there goes my 'this isn't helping' idea.
Today one of my former students sent me some photos that we took at the end of school... it was really adorable and I actually kind of miss them. But they were the good ones, so yeah... it was kind of sad.
I also sort of regret not having an official goodbye to my co-worker. Even though she drove me insane she was still kind of nice to work with most of the time and we had a rapport... the last time I saw her I stormed out of her car after she told me that the other teachers didn't like me... she wanted to tag along but I told her I would go alone. This was also after she made me wait an hour past when she said she was going to pick me up and didn't respond to my messages. Anyways, I suppose all of that is still in the past and I need to think about the here and now.
I have a few 'leads' on jobs but I honestly don't know how I'm going to market myself. I'm struggling to appear confident even in everyday situations, getting my parents to do most of the interacting with people, and shying away from pretty much everything... so I can't imagine impressing anyone in a job interview. I had a hard time buying eye drops today, and couldn't raise my voice loud enough to give a proper thank you and say I didn't want a bad to the cashier, whom I was dreading having to interact with for a good ten minutes or so before I forced myself to buy them. I almost backed out of buying them, even though my eyes are killing me. I wanted to get vitamins too but I felt like it would be too awkward so I didn't... yeah, that's my awesome life.
The worst part is that my resume is geared towards teaching and presenting and public figure type stuff including my brief spokesperson stint on TV... and I just can't do that anymore, my nerves won't let me. I'm not even sure what happened since then but sufficed to say, I was a different person in 2008... I think going back to school in 2010 and that monumental failure completely crushed my self-esteem.
I feel like if I go into an interview being as insecure and uptight and timid as I am with that kind of resume they're going to think I'm lying... that's how far I have fallen.
Today one of my former students sent me some photos that we took at the end of school... it was really adorable and I actually kind of miss them. But they were the good ones, so yeah... it was kind of sad.
I also sort of regret not having an official goodbye to my co-worker. Even though she drove me insane she was still kind of nice to work with most of the time and we had a rapport... the last time I saw her I stormed out of her car after she told me that the other teachers didn't like me... she wanted to tag along but I told her I would go alone. This was also after she made me wait an hour past when she said she was going to pick me up and didn't respond to my messages. Anyways, I suppose all of that is still in the past and I need to think about the here and now.
I have a few 'leads' on jobs but I honestly don't know how I'm going to market myself. I'm struggling to appear confident even in everyday situations, getting my parents to do most of the interacting with people, and shying away from pretty much everything... so I can't imagine impressing anyone in a job interview. I had a hard time buying eye drops today, and couldn't raise my voice loud enough to give a proper thank you and say I didn't want a bad to the cashier, whom I was dreading having to interact with for a good ten minutes or so before I forced myself to buy them. I almost backed out of buying them, even though my eyes are killing me. I wanted to get vitamins too but I felt like it would be too awkward so I didn't... yeah, that's my awesome life.
The worst part is that my resume is geared towards teaching and presenting and public figure type stuff including my brief spokesperson stint on TV... and I just can't do that anymore, my nerves won't let me. I'm not even sure what happened since then but sufficed to say, I was a different person in 2008... I think going back to school in 2010 and that monumental failure completely crushed my self-esteem.
I feel like if I go into an interview being as insecure and uptight and timid as I am with that kind of resume they're going to think I'm lying... that's how far I have fallen.
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Alana.JPEG
Well-known member
i think you can get back your confidence. ive had similar relapses after long periods of not socialising. i guess trying to reconnect to those situations might stop you from projecting fear into them?
Odo
Banned
Thanks Alana, I think you're right... but it's still hard to control my nerves.
I am worried because I was similarly nervous before I left Canada and I've never really had any non-minimum wage jobs here... I was only 25 when I left and I'm worried that my age and not having lived here for so long is going to work against me... I think I still look at least a little youthful but the SA thing isn't helping. I don't want to give up but I might need some help with this one.
I actually had a dream that I went to a psychologist to talk about my SA... I ended up talking about all kinds of things with him. I wish I wasn't so alone here because that's really not helping. I don't think I'm impossible to get along with, I've just been isolated for too long... and I've been moving around too much and living in situations where people are always coming and going. I would go to see one right away but I don't want to have to involve my parents and really, I don't want to have to pay for it either... I don't know how people who don't work can afford that sort of thing... and I feel like maybe a really good friend could do the same thing for me anyways.
I feel like if I could just have a good patch where I wasn't so afraid of everyone then I could meet some people and they would like me and that would be enough to make me happy... and give me something to do. I know this is wishful thinking, but I just wish someone would recognize what my skills are and give me a job where I could keep busy and excel and get paid a reasonable salary without interacting with too many people. Of course this isn't reality, but yeah, it would be nice. I don't even think I need a lot of money... I'm mostly just afraid of getting a terrible job and not being able to support myself while hating my co-workers. But I guess if it happens I can just go to China or Saudi Arabia or something... they'll take me!
I think right now I want to buy a piece of land and build like a small cabin on it and then live there. Small cabins aren't expensive... and I don't need a lot of space. It would be awesome to be more self-sufficient... and to get back in touch with simple things like the trees and the stars and the rivers and everything. Running a big farm would be hard but if I just had enough for me and maybe a few others, it might not be as hard... though I wouldn't have so much variety.
I am worried because I was similarly nervous before I left Canada and I've never really had any non-minimum wage jobs here... I was only 25 when I left and I'm worried that my age and not having lived here for so long is going to work against me... I think I still look at least a little youthful but the SA thing isn't helping. I don't want to give up but I might need some help with this one.
I actually had a dream that I went to a psychologist to talk about my SA... I ended up talking about all kinds of things with him. I wish I wasn't so alone here because that's really not helping. I don't think I'm impossible to get along with, I've just been isolated for too long... and I've been moving around too much and living in situations where people are always coming and going. I would go to see one right away but I don't want to have to involve my parents and really, I don't want to have to pay for it either... I don't know how people who don't work can afford that sort of thing... and I feel like maybe a really good friend could do the same thing for me anyways.
I feel like if I could just have a good patch where I wasn't so afraid of everyone then I could meet some people and they would like me and that would be enough to make me happy... and give me something to do. I know this is wishful thinking, but I just wish someone would recognize what my skills are and give me a job where I could keep busy and excel and get paid a reasonable salary without interacting with too many people. Of course this isn't reality, but yeah, it would be nice. I don't even think I need a lot of money... I'm mostly just afraid of getting a terrible job and not being able to support myself while hating my co-workers. But I guess if it happens I can just go to China or Saudi Arabia or something... they'll take me!
I think right now I want to buy a piece of land and build like a small cabin on it and then live there. Small cabins aren't expensive... and I don't need a lot of space. It would be awesome to be more self-sufficient... and to get back in touch with simple things like the trees and the stars and the rivers and everything. Running a big farm would be hard but if I just had enough for me and maybe a few others, it might not be as hard... though I wouldn't have so much variety.
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Alana.JPEG
Well-known member
That sounds like a nice idea. Is it cheap to buy land in Canada?
Have you heard of vipassana?
Have you heard of vipassana?