Unknown Sample

[Odo]

Maybe it's a cop-out, but I feel like maybe part of me wants to totally lose control and do a lot of really awful unhealthy self-destructive stuff... not even because I hate myself but just because I want to feel alive and the alternative seems to be sitting at home or just watching other people around me have fun and wonder what it must be like.

If I was in a good relationship I wouldn't feel this way.... even if I had had a friend I don't think I'd feel like this. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic, I don't know... but yeah, I've never pictured myself as the kind of person who would ever sleep with a prostitute, and even though I guess I didn't know she was one... I still wasn't thinking in my head that this is someone I'd like to stay with and am having a good time with, I mostly thought-- this is someone who wants to have sex and I can't take being this alone on my birthday... so yeah, being alone in these places means I'm basically free, but I also feel like I'm more likely to do things I wouldn't normally do.

I feel like my being here instead of being back home has contributed a lot to me losing touch with what I really want in terms of love and how I feel about sex, which I guess is also a reflection of how I feel about myself... maybe it's possible that I could have made a life for myself here, but I look at my apartment and realize I haven't even tried to really move in, and I think that it probably means that I'm not really here. I mean, I'm here physically, but I'm not actually settled... 3 years later, I still feel like it's all temporary.

I'm not really alive here... I'm just existing and waiting for my next vacation, where I turn into someone else and do things I wouldn't normally do. I have seen some amazing things, but all of these brushes with disease and despair have forced me to confront the fact that there's something inherently empty about all of it... because I can't actually apply any of these experiences, they're just sitting there in my head not meaning anything to anyone but me... and even thought they're making me happier than I otherwise would have been, truth be told the times I was in love were actually better and stronger and more beautiful than all of them combined.

 

[Odo]

Why do I keep coming back here and posting this?

This site doesn't seem to get so much traffic. I mean, yes, there are people on here, but the people either seem oddly distant from each other, or cliquey. I guess I'm probably older than a lot of people on here, though... I'm getting that impression. I suppose I'm currently content to just imagine people caring in some way... or maybe they don't know how to react. More likely, they're either put off by the amount of time I dedicate to typing out my own thoughts combined with the fact that I just seem distant... maybe because of the language I use, or because of the fact that I can overreach. Nope, I'm not going to torture myself by trying to guess what the deal is.

I've been watching A LOT of movies lately... and the ones I've been gravitating towards have been the ones involving people in relationships. I feel like I had a small breakthrough with my script the other day when I realized the story would be a lot better if I focused on the relationships between the characters and only used the setting sparingly. Really, there's not much point in showing someone in an interesting setting if it's a boring-*** character.

I saw The Master the other day... there was something kind of off about it but overall it was still a fantastic film that seemed to be about two people with an idiosyncratic relationship that only they could truly understand. I'm not sure if that's a good way to get people involved with your characters, but they were definitely interesting to watch.

 

[neardeath]

Why do I keep coming back here and posting this?

This site doesn't seem to get so much traffic. I mean, yes, there are people on here, but the people either seem oddly distant from each other, or cliquey. I guess I'm probably older than a lot of people on here, though... I'm getting that impression. I suppose I'm currently content to just imagine people caring in some way... or maybe they don't know how to react. More likely, they're either put off by the amount of time I dedicate to typing out my own thoughts combined with the fact that I just seem distant... maybe because of the language I use, or because of the fact that I can overreach. Nope, I'm not going to torture myself by trying to guess what the deal is.

I've been watching A LOT of movies lately... and the ones I've been gravitating towards have been the ones involving people in relationships. I feel like I had a small breakthrough with my script the other day when I realized the story would be a lot better if I focused on the relationships between the characters and only used the setting sparingly. Really, there's not much point in showing someone in an interesting setting if it's a boring-*** character.

I saw The Master the other day... there was something kind of off about it but overall it was still a fantastic film that seemed to be about two people with an idiosyncratic relationship that only they could truly understand. I'm not sure if that's a good way to get people involved with your characters, but they were definitely interesting to watch.

Hey, Odo. I get the love/hate thing with the forum. I am also guilty, not responding to posts because I just don't know what to say. It's also kinda overwhelming with so many people suffering.

My good thoughts are with you and everyone else here. My prayers, too. Hang in there.

 

[neardeath]

Of course, since I have social phobia, I think I just sound like an idiot so I figure that is why no one responds.

I do find writing something in the journal every day is therapeutic, no matter what the reaction is from anyone else. :thumbup:

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Be assured that a lot of people read this, but we don't always have something to answer. In fact, you seem to have experienced a lot of things, and yet you're unhappy, so it's hard to find anything to say to you.

There's also that the forum is always less active in (north emisphere) summer.

 

[Odo]

Be assured that a lot of people read this, but we don't always have something to answer. In fact, you seem to have experienced a lot of things, and yet you're unhappy, so it's hard to find anything to say to you.

There's also that the forum is always less active in (north emisphere) summer.

Well thanks for responding!

I guess I'm not necessarily looking for a response it's just sort of hard to know whether or not there's any point to getting my thoughts out there and yes, as neardeath said I think being anxious about things does tend to make you assume that people are just reading it and thinking you're super boring or something... or maybe people just think I'm too into myself or that I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me. But I guess I could be more outgoing as well.

I don't think I'd ever say that I haven't experienced things-- I know people out there have had more interesting lives and some have had less... I don't regret any of it it's just that it hasn't resulted in any lasting bonds with anyone. It hasn't really done anything to help my confidence and yes, I suppose when I talk about all of these things at once it sounds pretty exciting but these things only happened over maybe a month or two week periods... the rest of the time I've mostly just been sitting inside my apartment.

I don't think I'm necessarily 'so unhappy'-- more like unfulfilled or incomplete... and I guess a little bitter as well. And yeah, I do have the social anxiety thing so that has given me the same feeling of 'you're missing out', but more in respects to friendships and the way I'm received in a group of people or at work or something... the travel thing has been sort of a way to make up for that. I thought it might help me to feel more confident but it hasn't really led to that.

Maybe mine isn't as bad as other people's though.

 

[Odo]

Of course, since I have social phobia, I think I just sound like an idiot so I figure that is why no one responds.

I do find writing something in the journal every day is therapeutic, no matter what the reaction is from anyone else. :thumbup:

Yes, I agree.

But still, like you, I worry about such things... like maybe they're reading it and thinking that something is seriously wrong with me and I'm creeping them all out or something.

 

[Odo]

I'm on day 4 of my nonstop cleaning marathon.

I don't think I've cleaned the apartment like this since I moved in... I'm realizing that I am truly a slob. There is just so much filth... some of it from the previous occupant, I think. Some of it I just didn't want to deal with when I moved in because it was so horrible and in a relatively out of the way place... so it was possible to just ignore. I've cleaned the other rooms since then of course but yeah, things just get dirty so quickly... the kitchen especially, because I don't have an oven so I'm always cooking with oil... and my fan broke, which means there's sludge on everything. It's awful.

But now I feel like I've assumed responsibility for it so I'm full-on attacking that shit just to preserve my own sense of dignity for someone I will probably never meet... and I guess I'll get to live in a super clean apartment for two weeks. I seriously think this is probably the cleanest the apartment has been in a very very long time, possibly in a decade or so, since the previous owner lived here for 8 years and was a complete slob.

It feels good to not worry about wasting anything and to just throw stuff out without really caring... I don't know why I get so uptight about needing to hold onto things that are just cluttering up my space. It's weird how I could get to a state of mind where I just think 'that fits there, it should be there' without realizing it's an unopened box of cocoa that I haven't even been thinking about for the past 2 years or so.

 

[Odo]

Tuareg - Gal Costa (1969) - YouTube

This song is totally sexy... maybe Portuguese in general is totally sexy. Why it only has 5000 some views on youtube is a mystery.

My apartment is absolutely revolting. I am discovering dirt and filth and dust in places that I have always assumed to be 'safe'. It's actually oppressive just how nasty it all is.

I guess it is kinda my fault... but seriously, today I actually took out some bricks that have been on the porch since forever. For some reason they were wrapped in green paper and tape and they're all over the apartment. Bricks! What kind of person brings bricks into their apartment for no reason? What kind of person wraps them in green paper and tape?

I really can't imagine how someone would react to this place... it really is quite horrible.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I guess it is kinda my fault... but seriously, today I actually took out some bricks that have been on the porch since forever. For some reason they were wrapped in green paper and tape and they're all over the apartment. Bricks! What kind of person brings bricks into their apartment for no reason? What kind of person wraps them in green paper and tape?

So....

Why do you have bricks wrapped in green paper and tape in your apartment? :question:

 

[coyote]

So....

Why do you have bricks wrapped in green paper and tape in your apartment? :question:

:idontknow:

 

[Odo]

LOL-- I wish.

Actually, the last person who lived here was a bit eccentric and not very clean... the bricks were part of the junk on the balcony that I looked at and said 'no'. But when it became my mess (now that I'm moving out), I realized I don't want people to think I'm a weird guy who keeps bricks in his apartment, so I went at them.

I think he was using them as doorstops or something or maybe he had something on top of them that he didn't want touching the floor... but he seriously must have gone to a construction site and picked them up or something because my apartment wasn't even built using bricks.

 

[Odo]

Roger Ruskin Spear - All by yourself in the moonlight - YouTube

^Yep, this is pretty much how I feel.

The worst part about big goodbyes is realizing how people can never quite say what they feel about you... I think it's probably going to feel a lot worse when I've been here for 2 weeks and there's literally nobody to say goodbye to.

Today I had to say goodbye to my principal and I had to speak through my co-teacher... and she would just add all of this negative shit that I thought I had told her in private, and never wanted her to repeat to anyone.

It was annoying because some of it was just flat out wrong... mixed with some stuff from about a year ago when a student actually physically threatened me and I felt like I couldn't do anything because of 'students rights'... I mean, yes, the cops had been called on several teachers in my school and this kid was following me down the hall raging and spouting profanities because I wouldn't let him cut in line, so of course I was going to say things about how kids back home would be suspended for a looong time if they actually hit a teacher (like one kid at our school did).

It's so annoying to have zero control over the kind of impression you make on someone. He didn't seem to mind though, but there wasn't a single positive thing that was actually said in the entire exchange. I kept trying to think of something positive to add, but I couldn't-- there wasn't anything!

I felt like if I told him I really enjoyed my vacations to other countries he would have taken it as a huge insult... but the truth is, that WAS the best part about being here. That and the money. I still enjoy the little things like hiking in the mountains and some of the students are awesome, but overall it's the money and the relative ease of living here with very few responsibilities, doing an undemanding job with heaps of downtime in my own office, which is quiet and isolated.

I guess it was really depressing to have to reflect on my year like that. I felt like I should have had at least one amazing thing to say... but this year has been especially hard for me... I'm not sure if it's because I'm burnt out or because of other reasons. I actually told the kids I've never seen anything quite like it, which must be hard to hear, but it's true. I guess I can't really expect them to be sad to see me go after I said something like that... but the truth is I would feel absolutely horrible if I had to keep dealing with them.

The makeup girls club in the back of the room, the spoiled rich princesses with horrible attitudes who are always trying to catch my mistakes and prove how stupid I am, the ****y boys who are constantly throwing ironic compliments in my direction, the kids who haven't learned a single thing all year long, or who have gotten worse. The handicapped kids who don't realize that I'm not there to amuse them and that there's a difference between positive and negative attention, the apathetic kids who not only refuse to do anything I ask them to do, they actually use not doing it/failure as a form of social bonding. The biggest irony of the entire year is that it's the kids from bad home who have been my absolute favorites... my Thursday afternoon low level class where the kids come in reeking of cigarettes and Fabreze and are always trying to get me to smell their fingers as if I don't know they're using chopsticks to smoke with. I LOVE those kids... I think because we had a breakthrough and I actually find them interesting. I can handle all forms of not paying attention/troublemaking so long as I know the kids have a legitimate reason for it... it's when they're spoiled and just shoving it in my face how much they hate doing work, or when they can't even play a game without complaining that I'm not being fair (though I'm doing my absolute best and spent hours of my free time designing the game in the first place)... when they already have all of the love and attention that they need, and they're still raging ****s... that's when I get irritated, because I expect more from them... and this was the year of minimum effort.

Maybe I do complain too much. And I suppose shutting myself off as much as I do isn't going to leave anyone with the impression that I've been doing very much.

I'd like to say that I have an active internal life, but sometimes it feels like even that has been burned out by too much internet, self-pity, and inactivity.

Oy vey there we go again.

 

[neardeath]

:idontknow:

I wish I had some of those. HAHA!

 

[Odo]

I have come to the conclusion that my apartment is now clean.

It's raining like a mofo outside so I'm just staying put today... not so happy about that because I really do feel a need to get outside, but yeah... I'm gonna get drenched even with an umbrella and I don't have any urgent need to go anywhere.

I'm seriously just writing this now because I don't have anything else to do.

 

[Odo]

Yeah, so I was just reading about Supermax prisons just now and I couldn't help but draw parallels between that situation and my situation.

Yes, I've 'chosen' my isolation, but at the same time I would definitely be happier without it... and I suppose that my anxieties prevent me from doing anything about it, though I don't like to think that way and still have hope for myself. I know that people would like me if I could get to the point where I'm giving them a chance to... but I just instinctively close myself off and it's not something that it altogether easy to reverse.

Still, I can always go outside and go for a walk or a run or something whenever I want... that's a pretty major difference. But the degree of isolation is probably similar, and I often wonder if I'm going insane.

Here's something interesting:

Study Shows Millennials Are More Forgetful Than Seniors

Millennials (I'm a millennial because I'm 34) have worse memories than seniors. Does anyone want to take a bet that the Internet/cell phones are directly responsible for this?

 

[Odo]

I really want to use my vacation time for some non-expensive travel but the heat is like this horrible oppressive obstacle that I cannot get over. The 'Realfeel' is currently 47C, and just going out there for 10 minutes is going to require a shower and a change of clothes. I went out at 12:30 a.m. last night and did a brief workout in the park and it was nasty... I could hardly even breathe the air was so heavy.

I'm also not completely sure where I would go. Hiking is out because of the heat... I know it's not something you do when you want to be clean but I have limits on how much punishment I want to subject myself to.

There's really not much else I'm all that interested in doing. I guess I could go to a beach or something... but doing that alone isn't going to make me feel so awesome. I've already been into the cities I go to, and there's really no reason to go. I could go in and watch a movie alone, but yeah... not so interested in that.

Wow, what an exciting life I have.

 

[Odo]

I have made myself a huge promise to never ever ever come back to this country again.

I swear, I never learn my lesson with this. I admit-- I've come back 3 times now, and the best experience was still pretty lousy. Something happens to foreigners when they come to Korea... they're infected with some kind of misery or something. The longer they stay, the more miserable they get... the more frustrated.

Maybe it's the ugliness of the place. The unimpressive culture. The dirty streets. The polluted air. The nasty heat. The fact that nobody seems to give a shit about anyone else-- like rats in an overcrowded maze. The racism. The fact that the national psyche is still damaged from the Japanese occupation and the war. The consumerism, the superficiality, the fact that the people seem to enjoy antagonizing each other so much. The narcissism that fails to mask all of the insecurities. It's like the entire country has claws of despair, and they're inserted into you slowly and if you get out quickly they barely break the skin, but the longer you stay the deeper they sink until finally they're scratching your heart.

The worst part about it all is that it's actually really comfortable. It's very convenient for travel... if there were places worth seeing, it would be pretty great. There's money here. Health care is cheap. A lot of things are cheap. The cost of living is relatively low. And they set you up in an apartment and pay your rent... they even buy you furniture and a TV. The Internet is so so so fast. But none of it matters, because the country itself is so horribly depressing.

I swear I will never come back to this place again. If I need to get back into teaching, it will be China, or somewhere else... but not here. NEVER AGAIN.

 

[neardeath]

where are you, Odo?

 

[Odo]

I'm in South Korea.... at least until Thursday.