My trip is finally over, and I think I'm traumatized.
I tried extremely hard to relax for the last 2 days... getting a good night's sleep was a big part of that, but shit started up again as soon as we got to Xi'an.
It was ****ing 9pm and we had no hotel, so I manage to find a big list of them and he rejects every one I say. I am so ****ing tired and miserable and in need of a place to stay at that point, but I very patiently say 'well, maybe you can get your own hotel and I can get my own hotel', which wasn't at all passive aggressive but more out of a genuine desire for relief and not having to stay in some noisy party hostel or something. So at that point, he gets upset... and starts cutting into me about being a 'psycho' for some reason, so I tell him I'll see him at the airport and not before then because I'm just sick of his bullshit.
We managed to patch that up and I get some actual sleep for a change-- because I insisted on separate rooms. I don't know why he was so keen on saving money when the gd college gives us a travel allowance that includes accommodation anyways, so we're going to get the money back soon, but whatever.
We manage a whole day without fighting, see the Terracotta warriors while being squished and pushed by massive hordes of people... and then sure enough, day 2 rolls around and letting him take the lead means we wander around some food streets and some shopping areas and completely miss out on what I want to do (go up on the city wall), because it's closed by the time we get there. So this guy has an idea that since the gate is unlocked and people are coming down, we're going to go through it when other people come out, go up, come right down and everything will be fine. I'm so pissed I didn't get to do it that I agree... but of course we get spotted and he makes a run for it, but I just turn around and play dumb saying I wasn't sure and come down. But he has lost that deniability. Of course, some poor hapless Chinese people defend him later saying he didn't understand what was going on because he's just a dumb foreigner.
I felt like such a loser for doing it-- for missing out in the first place (I had wanted to go earlier, but in the name of compromise and fearing another outburst because I suggested separate activities, agreed to follow him) and for doing such a dumb teenagery thing. It didn't feel thrilling or cool, I just felt embarrassed. The only other day I tried to appease him was similar-- instead of doing a number of things I really wanted to do, I just wandered around with him in an empty shopping area, having my suggestions shot down... until finally we went to a supermarket so he could buy alcohol, and then later on he drunkenly harrassed people while I was mortified. At one point, a girl seriously pulled her boyfriend in front of her like a human shield because he said something to her. MORTIFIED. Then later he was about to stay out late which wasn't appropriate as we had been taken in by a host family who didn't want to be up too late.
I was also pissed because he has been here longer than me so his Chinese was better, which meant everyone was always talking to him and ignoring me. I purposely got a hotel on the last night I was supposed to spend with the family and left him on his own so they would KNOW what an irresponsible douchebag he is, and sure enough he did not disappoint. I spent my evening bringing them a bottle of wine as a gift and sharing a nice family dinner, and he spends his evening with a bunch of local loser foreigners, one of whom apparently gets naked in public on a regular basis and did so the night he was there too.
He then stumbles in at 1 am drunk as shit, but not before waking ME up to give him directions to the apartment and in a condescending voice demanding more details from me as if it's my ****ing duty to help him. This is because he is incapable of acting responsibly and needs an adult to help him with all of the practical things.
We had missed the train on the very first day (but were saved by a helpful security guard who managed to get us first class tickets so we wouldn't lose money on the other ones), so I was super nervous about the plane... I did NOT want to be stuck there another few days with him, because if we had missed it that's what would have happened. This is the busiest travel time with millions of people taking trains and planes and driving and buses... if I hadn't booked every ticket ahead of time, we would have been ****ED. He didn't originally want to take a plane, preferring to take TWO trains without getting tickets ahead of time during the busiest travel rush of the entire year... but I finally talked him out of it.
Anyways on the final night of this horrible vacation, we ended up going to an internet cafe to wait for the shuttle bus to the airport. Buddy downs 6 beers on top of the 2 he had already had earlier... and grows more aggressive throughout the night. I opened the window to let some of the smoke out, someone comes to close it, and he gets pissed... saying loudly that he doesn't give a shit and if the guy closes it again, just let him know.
I get nervous around the time the bus is going to leave, but of course he decides to check his email. He then makes a 'deal', saying he will leave now if he can stop at the store to get MORE beer. I go to the bus while he goes to the store, and gets on the bus with about I don't know how many beers in his bag. He might have drank one on the bus-- I'm not sure. But he drank at least one (or more, I didn't know because I fell asleep) in the airport and fell asleep on the bench with an open beer bottle next to him. Chinese people with their families approached and made comments about his 'big beer'-- he hears them, and gets angry at them. Of course there's nothing wrong with being an overweight alcoholic who is totally ****ing hammered, laying down with your asscrack visible where your shirt no longer covers your massive stomach, sleeping with an open beer bottle next to you in an airport.
So due to alcohol and general cuntiness he's not the most pleasant person when I wake up about 3 hours later (the bench was surprisingly comfortable-- moreso than the couch I spent 3 nights on because cunthead wouldn't let me have the bed). I don't have the energy for another conflict, so I just grin and bear it. Before we go through security, he reveals he has 3 beers left in his bag, and I suggest he just get rid of them. Instead, he goes to the bathroom and chugs them. He shows up at the gate totally hammered, shouts everything he says, and aggressively confronts random people, visibly intoxicated. One guy switches seats after my 'friend' talks to him with aggressive, slurred Chinese and a stupid smile on his face... and others keep their distance out of fear. I am sitting there beside him, trying to tune it all out, embarrassed as hell... focused on the moment I get home. I try to act extra sober to make sure people aren't judging me in the same light.
While boarding, someone cuts in the line (happens all the time in China) and he shouts at them with slurred speech. Shit like this happened throughout the whole trip. I don't even have the energy to be embarrassed or confrontational, and I just calmly suggest that he should sleep it off when he gets on the plane. The last time I told him he was being too loud, he said something about China being full of loud people and then when an old guy who was obviously hard of hearing started talking loudly on his phone, made a snarky remark about me 'nipping it in the bud'... as if someone else's deafness excuses your ignorant loudness. Even if the guy had MEANT to be loud, does that mean it's okay to shout in my ****ing ear?? Or to shout in general when everyone else on the train is being quiet??
Anyways, on the plane one of the male stewards is being a **** about handing out breakfast. I ask him what it is and he says 'breakfast' really rudely. I make some comment about what a helpful response he just gave me, and he says something like 'this is China, speak Chinese' in that way racists do. I am furious... and I say to my friend that I think he was being really rude to me. Guess what my 'friend' says?
'DON'T EMBARRASS ME'
Is he ****ing serious??? I'M going to embarrass HIM? I keep going over it in my head again and again, wondering how he could be so shitty. Was he being ironic? I was too shocked to even ask. I mutter something about how embarrassing it is to be with a drunk, but to be honest I'm too scared of him making a scene to actually push it too far.
I have already at this point made it perfectly clear that allowing him to come with me was a huge mistake, but this is an issue that transcends travelling together, and has more to do with his serious ongoing alcoholism. I have learned since coming here that his family didn't want him to return to China because of his drinking problem... and before he left the last time he had a week-long psychosis due to withdrawal. I used to feel sorry for him and/or believe that he would get better, but he never does. I kept inviting him to go running with me, but he never came. I took care of him and let him sleep on my couch when he was trying to dry out the last time and thought he was hearing voices, but sure enough a few weeks later he's heavy into the drinking again. He keeps telling the story of his week-long psychosis over and over, and it always has different details-- typically involving him being instructed by a certain voice. Sometimes he comes to believe that this voice belongs to people around us. I honestly think he shouldn't be in China and needs to go home and get some therapy or professional help, but I wouldn't know how to go about this... and I'm done trying/caring and if he wants to self-destruct then I'm not going to interfere.
Seriously, even now I am still frustrated and just the thought of seeing his face again makes me feel sick. I honestly don't even know if I could bear to spend any more time with him-- even when he isn't being a drunken loser, he wears me down with this endless stream of random facts about things I'm not even interested in. He's like Cliff Clayven from Cheers... full of stories that are too long and facts that connect to other facts in subjects that hold no interest whatsoever for me... and sometimes he just makes shit up. When we went to the opera with our Chinese host, he started lecturing me like I was a student (treating me like an inferior while trying to impress our host with his knowledge of Chinese culture)... but she grew confused and told him he was completely wrong. I would have felt vindicated if I wasn't so pissed that he was being so condescending and I was just too tired and stressed and determined not to show my emotions in front of our Chinese host (they have this thing about 'leaky emotions' in Asia). He is one of those people that the Chinese love to listen to for shock value, but when it comes to things like respect it isn't going to happen. For christ's sakes he goes around giving high fives to everyone... it's the classic white monkey move.
Anyways, back to the rude steward-- after being angry for a while and my stupid 'friend' telling me I'm overreacting, I decide to ask one of the female stewardesses what the steward's name is. At first she seems a little shocked or worried, but eventually she types it into my phone, and I say 'thank you' and smile. They begin to treat me like someone who is agitated, but I am perfectly in control and do everything right. He comes back and asks if he can help me with anything, and I say 'no'... I honestly think he was trying to invite a confrontation, but not having one was the absolute best thing I could do at that point.
Then today when all I wanted to do was get back, my 'friend' just sits on his *** and refuses to get up to catch the bus. That would be fine, but he doesn't even tell me what the issue is, so I end up missing it for no good reason, not even knowing if it would piss him off or what. I was mad about that too. It was like one shitty act to cap off an incredibly shitty and annoying vacation.
******
ON TOP OF THIS, my Chinese now ex-girlfriend had been either ignoring me, too busy to talk to me, or playing some sort of game with me for most of the trip. Throughout the vacation, I grew more and more frustrated with her. I actually ignored her back for 2 whole days, and what made me think she was just playing a game was when she replied to my text almost immediately when I finally broke the silence. But not long after, it was back to the same shit and finally today I told her I think we should end it.
But I think she might have also sort of broken up with me, because the reason I broke up with her was because she refused to give me an answer after I told her I wanted to see her again now that I'm back. It was so hard to figure out what was going on because when we actually do see each other things seem to be mostly fine, but she lives in another city and we mostly talk about absolutely nothing-- she shows me pictures of what she's doing, I sometimes do the same, we say good morning and good night, and that's it. We used to do things together, but now our relationship has become just 2 booty calls in over a month. I don't think I have very much in common with this person, and to be honest I'm not even completely sure why we were a couple at all. Probably because one of the first things she said to me was that she wanted to have my babies.
Today when I told her what I thought was wrong between us, she said something about wanting 'an object she can marry' (a translation error) and something about me not making her feel secure. It sounds like she knows what she's saying when I paraphrase, but given the amount of time I spend trying to decipher what she means, it's pretty much impossible to ever really know. It could mean she thinks I wouldn't be a good provider or it could mean she doesn't trust me or it could mean she thinks I'm going to get her pregnant and leave or that she's upset because I don't want to get married... she didn't elaborate and it didn't turn into a conversation. Then she started talking about what she was eating for lunch, and that was the last I heard from her.
I told her pretty much everything that was on my mind-- about how I'm not going to marry or commit to someone who ignores me, and asked what I could do to make her feel more secure about our future together. She has always had the usual Chinese girlfriend issues with jealousy, lack of trust (she was convinced I was always cheating/hitting on women), and also a sort of vague racism where she was convinced I was going to go back to Canada and leave her without saying goodbye... so it could be her 'insecurity' is related to that, but again, there's no way to know.
After I said that, she ignored me (or maybe was just busy). I could have just been humiliating myself, having latched onto the wrong explanation for what she meant... again, there's no way to know.
Finally I gave her an ultimatum that if she didn't agree to see me at some point before 2pm the following day, I would assume that she wanted to break up. Then I realized it was all just so ridiculous and so annoying, and that even if she did say she wanted to see me again, it would probably just go on like this in the future, so I told her to forget it and said it was over.
Again I haven't gotten a response and have no idea why... but at least in my head I can tell myself it doesn't matter anymore. I keep wondering if she has wanted this for a while and I should have gotten the point earlier. I mean, we haven't exactly been doing very well but it's weird because we never really argue-- I try to express myself, she shuts down/ignores me, and then I just forget about my issues, suppress them and try to focus on other things... but they keep gnawing at me until I explode with frustration. We spend so much time communicating through text messages, then when we see each other it's like we're two completely different people. But again, it doesn't matter anymore.
The truth is that this isn't exactly the most soul-crushing breakup ever and I don't even really care about losing her so much as what this means for my future. She was mostly a rebound thing after my last relationship... I was willing to see if it would lead to more, but at the same time I think the only reason I pursued it in the first place was because my ex announced she was in a new relationship.
So it seems like the past week has seen a definitive move on my part back to the old completely isolated Odo. I am sick of my best friend here and can't imagine getting another girlfriend any time soon... so usually what happens now is I just sink into loneliness and low self-esteem, finally getting to the point where I can't make friends and can't talk to girls anymore. I mostly just want to be alone, but then I also worry about the anxiety setting in and becoming afraid to talk to people... on the trip it was usually my friend taking the lead, which again was annoying as hell. I know if I could find my confidence again I would be okay, but yeah... I'm not so buzzed about being alone in this isolated location.
Maybe I could start talking to my mom again.
