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[Odo]

So after ignoring her for about 5 days, this morning I get 2 messages from her.

The first is simply a 'worried' face.

The second says 'I think you should find a new life', which I take to mean 'I want to break up with you'.

This is when I respond with a 'thumbs up' icon, and explain that I actually told her this last week, I assume that's the end of it.

So about an hour or so later, she messages me with her usual '?' message, which means she doesn't understand... even though I think she's just pretending to not have understood because she was hit with waves of regret or something. Either that, or she was just upset because I was ignoring her, said that to get my attention, and didn't realize I would take it seriously.

She then explains that since she doesn't have a job, she is in a bad mood. She's also talking about changing careers... so I guess she is struggling a lot more than I thought she was.

I guess I don't really know what she is going through now, but I don't think she has very much money and being Chinese, she also lives at home, where I'm sure there is pressure... not just to find a job and support her family, but also to get married. Since she always wanted to pay for everything for me, maybe she seriously thinks I expect her to keep paying for things.

Anyways, now she says she wants to talk to me tonight. I have been DYING to know what is going on with her, so just this small amount of clarifying conversation has almost been enough to soothe the searing resentment that has been building in my heart towards her.

 

[Odo]

She said she would talk to me tonight, and she didn't.
It is now 1:31 a.m.

But I have since realized that the only reason I am so disappointed in her behavior now is because we've had sex a few times. Really, she is only barely even a part of my life and hasn't really been there since we met.

So starting now, I'm just going to relax and not really care. I think ordinarily at this point in time, I would be expressing my disappointment in some fashion and probably thinking of breaking up with her for like the fourth time... but I'm not going to. I'm not going to tell her how let down I am, or how I've actually completely given up on her. I'm not going to send her a message about how I didn't get to talk to her tonight, or bring it up, or even mention it at all if she doesn't. If she does bring it up, I'll brush it off, and say nothing else.

I'm going to be civil and polite, but never initiate conversation. I will say only as much as I need to in order to get through our conversations, and never talk about myself.

If she wants to meet up again, I will consider it, but only if I haven't found anyone better. I'm going to consider her an FWB situation, assuming I ever get the B again... I have to admit, it's nice to have that release. I honestly don't even know if I will ever have it again with her, but again, it doesn't matter.

There is seriously no point in a big confrontation at this point because every time I think I've put my foot down and told her to F off, I then hear from her and everything goes back to normal. It's ridiculous, and a waste of energy.

Yep, I'm just going to be a buddy who dedicates about as much time to her as I do to someone I meet on a bus... but there is no commitment involved, even if she doesn't know it.

To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if she was doing the same thing. Maybe she DID want to break up with me this morning, then reconsidered, and has now re-reconsidered. ****ing hell... don't do this, just relax and focus on other things. Back to work in two days, gotta get everything prepared, okay.

 

[Odo]

Last night my alcoholic 'friend' (the one I went on the trip with) was having one of his alcohol withdrawal moments. He was hallucinating voices that were telling him horrible things, so of course he feels like he can't be alone.

Meanwhile I have of course left far too much of my work to the last minute... so I'm struggling to finish so I can get at least 5 hours of sleep while he's shaking and flipping out about the voices. He's not the raging **** he is when he's drunk, or the clingy baby he is when he's maybe buzzed but not out of control... he's like this helpless, frightened creature who can barely even communicate properly and is absolutely desperate to not be left alone, because he feels like something terrible is going to happen.

At one point he heard a female voice that he told me said my full name to him and started talking about a city up North-- the one where I almost went to teach. He kept asking me if I could hear a loudspeaker, or at times if I could hear music. He wouldn't tell me what the voices were saying all the time, so who knows if they were saying shit about me, or about him... I was mostly worried that he was going to flip out and I was going to have to deal with it. Like I was worried I would have to physically restrain him or call the police with my extremely bad Chinese. I actually told him to give me his dad's contact information just in case.

I spent quite a while talking about how China isn't a good place to quit drinking because of the isolation due to culture and language barriers, the lack of support programs, and of course the widespread availability and low cost of alcohol... and stressed that I thought he was probably at the point where he needed help that I couldn't provide. I even asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital.

Later that night I actually had this weird anxiety about the 'voices' and was wondering why this woman he heard was saying my name. I kept feeling like maybe I was hearing someone humming or something, and was haunted by a lot of other creepy imagery still stuck in my brain from too many horror movies and such... but of course, more vivid because it's in my brain and not a TV screen. I actually had these creepy ideas that just being around him had put me on their radar or something and they were going to torture me now. Not cool.

The good news is that it takes my mind off of my Chinese anti-girlfriend. I say 'anti-girlfriend' because she is a girlfriend who is more like a total stranger that I actually kind of hate.

I have actually lost interest in her sexually. Who would have thought that feeling completely unwanted and invalidated could be such a turnoff? Usually the desire to have sex is one of the the last things to go... another brown, flaky leaf has fallen from the dying plant that is our relationship.

Today she posted in her 'Moments' section on Wechat about feeling stressed... I felt guilty about not comforting her, but then I told myself 'why the **** would I feel guilty about that??!'.

Yep, it's over... so why do I keep writing about it? I guess out of boredom and because despite how incredibly annoying it all is, I also find it fascinating. I don't even know if it will ever stop being interesting to me... I think I'll look back on it and laugh at how absurd it was.

I feel like she wants to break up, but maybe the fact that we sort of just jumped right into bed is making it harder for her, because of the whole honor thing. Or she's secretly a prostitute and is realizing that I'm too much of an overgrown child to be her ticket back to a better life in Canada. I would be pretty surprised if the latter were true... some sort of middle ground wouldn't be out of the question. There are a lot of red flags that I think I have ignored here... but then, my awareness of cultural barriers is making me second guess absolutely everything.

EDIT: So I just looked it up online and apparently alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs to withdraw from... and apparently when you're at the stage he's at, death is a possibility... even WITH treatment. So I contacted someone I met at the local hospital and am currently looking into what his options are for treatment here. I have no idea if he will actually do it, but I would imagine knowing what to do would make it easier if he does have a moment of clarity or whatever, so I'm just going to give him the information.

BUT I just heard back-- no treatment centers, no hospitals with known treatment programs... ****ing hell, he needs to go HOME.

 

[Odo]

I just read back through a lot of the entries about Chinese girlfriend and decided they were pretty irritating and I should probably delete them.

I guess if I wasn't insecure, I wouldn't be posting on a social phobia site to begin with... but yeah, I kind of hate what I have been saying. I have been pretty resentful and frustrated, so it has been making me say nasty things and talk about how I don't even like her when obviously I do have feelings for her... I think I just wanted to convince myself that I didn't.

I think some of the things I said made me sound like someone who just couldn't handle rejection, and made it appear obvious that that was what was happening. But actually, I could have handled rejection... it was the confusion that was destroying me. The fact that she still thought of us as being together but didn't want to see me, would ignore me and then act like everything was normal, etc. It was like I needed to put more thought and more effort into everything... and I resented her for it but at the same time I couldn't stop doing it.

And now, even though it seems absolutely impossible for us to ever be together again and every single fibre of my being KNOWS that this isn't going to work out, I still have a real longing for this girl. Part of it is sexual, part of it stems from I guess that need to feel comfort and acceptance, and part of it is due to the fact that I have put so much time and effort into it that at this point giving up on it is harder than it should be.

I'm in this weird headspace where girls I would ordinarily find attractive don't have any real appeal to me. I don't want any other girl except this one... and not even because of her in particular, but because of all the time and energy and thought I have invested. I suppose this is the point where I start to worry about myself turning into a stalker or something... which I know won't happen, because I have enough self-control to prevent that and it's not like I feel like this person owes me anything.

I can't calm down enough to get to the point where I'm okay with being alone. I guess part of the problem is that I jumped into this relationship as soon as my last one was officially 'dead', and I didn't let myself be sad about that one... so maybe the problem is that I am now officially alone, and I haven't been really alone for quite some time now. I keep wishing I could hold someone and talk to someone... and be accepted and loved, I guess.

I have been talking to a former student about all of this... obviously not in the same level of detail. She was in her final year and I didn't teach her, so she's not exactly an adult but she's 22 and I can talk to her on the same level... in fact, she seems even more mature than I am about a lot of things.

I guess I'm just sad about it all... I mean, yeah it's not really rational to be sad about something that was so frustrating, but anyone who has been in a relationship before probably already knows that rationality isn't so easy after you've been intimate with someone.

 

[Odo]

I went into town with alcoholic neighbor on Sunday, and while we were out he bought a 12 case of beers, which I'm sure he has already downed.

On the way back to the college, the students looked into his grocery bag and remarked on the fact that he was carrying beer, and while he was sort of just normal with the students, he became defensive about it after they had gone, wondering why they had to remark that he had beers in his bag.

I told him it could be that he has a reputation for drinking, and he really didn't like it... felt guilty immediately. Then he probably got wasted alone in his room.

 

[Odo]

I am seriously depressed.

The other day we had a meeting and I just sat there and didn't say a word. Everything and everyone around me irritated me endlessly... and I left the meeting alone while everyone else walked back together. To be fair, I wanted to print things out and was worried the room would be closed, but yeah... I always lose patience with people when I'm depressed/stressed.

This thing with this Chinese girl is really hitting me harder than I thought it would. I think there's something about this weird push and pull that she's doing where she's telling me she loves me 'but is afraid for our future' while contacting me only sporadically. It's weird because I've broken up with her over and over but she keeps coming back and every time she does I actually feel relief.

I think I'm seriously attached... and I'm wondering if her ignoring me and then contacting me again has something to do with it. I don't know if it's a deliberate strategy or something she's doing without meaning to, but it is really messing with my head. She actually said she was going to have more contact with me, but of course not actually seeing me because she needs to settle into her career a bit more (apparently).

Again, I feel like she has lost interest but at the same time she told me she still loves me yesterday. But (and I know how this is going to sound) she also asked me about how much money I have. Yeah, red flag, but it's actually common here. Still it's making me wonder.

And then today, almost nothing. I think it's my low self-esteem that is making me chase after her so endlessly. I have no idea why she even wants me, to be honest. This isn't how healthy relationships work, and I know it's not good for me... but I can't help it.

Okay-- so I just decided I will block her and try not to have any contact for one week, then see how I feel. If I still feel like this at the end of the week, another week. I've quit smoking, so I can quit her. It won't be easy, but I can do it.

 

[Odo]

Well, my plan to avoid her didn't last long.

So yeah, I'm totally attached, and not in a good way-- the more she avoids me, the more I feel like I need her. I think this might have something to do with our respective attachment styles... I'm more anxious/needy and she's more distant, I think.

I keep wondering if the beginning of our relationship where she was bombarding me with gifts and insisting on paying for everything was some sort of manipulation tactic... she had always planned on withdrawing so I would end up craving what she had set up in the beginning. I guess this is something that narcissists do? But she didn't seem to be a narcissist... not at all.

Just to be clear again, this isn't a situation where she is telling me to get on with my life and I'm just not hearing her. I'm not deluded, just stupid and incapable of self-control. I think that if I were reading this, I would think that maybe it was one of those 'come on, you're being a creep' situations... but it's not. It's something that is far more bizarre, complicated by language and culture barriers.

Since the last time, when I honestly thought I would have broken up with her for good, she has promised to contact me more, and has potentially agreed to meet me again because she 'doesn't want to disappoint me'. That's not exactly a good reason to agree to meet someone, though... is it? It sounds like she doesn't actually WANT to see me, but understands it's important to me, so she'll do it because... she cares??? A few months ago she would bombard me with text messages when my train was pulling into the station because she could hardly contain her excitement, now she can just barely fit me into her schedule.

Of course, she was a lot less busy at that time... and of course, she still has to hide me from her family, because she hasn't told anyone. I think if she told anyone she was dating a foreigner, she would probably lose a lot of potential suitors... and there is so much pressure on her to get married now that she's 28... so arranged/forced marriage isn't out of the question. Her mother has been taking her to dances. Also, Chinese guys are incredibly racist... if they knew that I had slept with her, they would probably be disgusted... and word would get around. It makes sense that she wouldn't want to tell her family until I had firmly committed, and I haven't been able to do that. So yeah, it can't be easy. I think even the fact that she isn't a virgin would be a black mark against her in the eyes of Chinese men.

Still, it means I'm like an obligation, something she's juggling alongside everything else. I don't even know what to make of that... I guess that duty is a big thing here, because it's a collectivist as opposed to individualist culture, so I can't even write off the idea that this is simply how certain Chinese people approach relationships. Maybe she thinks I'm going to appreciate the fact that she feels obligated to see me. Still, it doesn't make me feel wanted.... but I suppose the giddiness was always going to wear off, especially now that she's living at home and the pressure to get married is enormous.

I honestly have no idea what a Chinese workweek is like... so I have no idea what it is like for her right now. I know this is a pretty big career shift for her, and she is also balancing two different jobs as well as having returned to living at home after a year of studying in a different city. She is also supporting her parents financially.

She has assured me that her being unavailable is only short term, but my friends tell me it sounds like she simply wants to get married and might have someone else, but wants to keep me around 'just in case'. I wish I could just ASK her what's going on and she would be honest with me or tell me something that I could believe, but it's not going to happen... so I end up going online, looking at relationship advice sites and wondering WTF is going on.

AGAIN, I want to believe her, but AGAIN I have to wonder if she is just delaying the inevitable brush off. She has AGAIN told me that the big issue is that she doesn't feel 'secure' about our future, but then asked me a series of questions in that department and seemed to be happy with my answers. I don't think it's even possible to reassure her enough to make her feel secure. She won't feel secure until we're officially married. Not even getting her pregnant would be enough-- she still suspects I would leave her alone with my unborn child and go back to Canada. HOW could I even still be with someone who thinks so little of me? I don't even know. Because I guess I feel like she's a sweet person who simply needs to learn how to believe in herself more.

There is also this pervasive sense that she doesn't think she's good enough for me. She's afraid of being judged by my friends, so she doesn't want to meet them. She keeps saying she's poor, not beautiful, not well-educated... and in some ways, I don't think she can actually conceive of a world in which I would be capable of committing to her long-term. She actually wanted to tattoo her name over my heart in December because she thought it would prevent me from cheating... like, she was actually really into it. But she backed off when I was unable to commit to it... after a few weeks of dating. And not intense dating-- I mean, like 3 or 4 dates.

So I guess some of you are probably wondering why I am putting myself through so much shit... or maybe these entries have gotten really grating ever since I started obsessing over this girl and everyone is just ignoring them.

Well... part of it is probably the sex, which is actually pretty satisfying. She makes me feel like a superstar. This culture really fetishizes otherness in complicated ways. I mean, she totally loses control. I don't want to sound like I'm boasting here, but it's a REALLY good feeling, and it inspires me to push it further. There is so much going on-- like class differences, culture differences, otherness, etc... it's pretty alluring. I've read somewhere that a lot of people are attracted to ciphers or 'blank slates', because it means they can project anything they want onto them, thereby making them the 'perfect mates'. That is definitely a factor here, I think.

Part of it is definitely the isolation of living in the countryside with few options. Part of it is probably my age, lack of relationship experience, and the fact that I actually glimpsed the prospect of kids and marriage and a normal life for a few brief moments. I was attracted to the idea, even though I am sure it would probably be a HUGE mistake. I suppose I tell myself that kids are always going to be a rewarding experience, and that going through something like that will inspire me to be a better person, and I will rise to the challenge and end up doing a good job of it.

And I can't imagine a 'normal' person ever wanting me... not when I'm two years away from 40 without ever having had a single normal relationship, hopelessly immature and clueless about life... and anxiety issues to boot. She noticed my issues but didn't seem to care, I guess because she was so focused on my caucasian features and the prospect of a better life in a different country. But then, by saying that, maybe I'm letting my cynicism blind me to something that has more depth than I realize.

It's weird, after my last relationship 'ended', I at least had some degree of confidence in myself because I had a real relationship 'under my belt' and was still in touch with my ex and on terms that at least made me think I wasn't a complete ****up. This relationship has been the opposite. I don't feel like a normal human being capable of maintaining a decent relationship, I feel like a loser, chasing someone who I should know is wrong for me, and all out of neediness, fear and lust. There is almost nothing admirable or noble currently holding us together, and yet I continue to participate in the relationship. BUT then I also have moments where I get the 'warm fuzzies' and it makes me doubt everything... on top of all the other confusing barriers between us that make me doubt everything.

Maybe I wouldn't be so attached to this girl if I actually felt attractive, or like I had a chance with someone else... simply because the hassle is so enormous and what I'm getting out of it doesn't justify it. I keep going over it in my head that I'm not perfect, that we all have our flaws... but this isn't about being with a homely girl with a good personality, it's someone wants to keep me hanging on while giving me only the barest minimum of indications that she wants to continue being in a relationship with me. I don't even know if I want much more than sex from her... I'm actually really confused about it all, and usually that's a bad sign.

Yep, I'm pretty hopeless... there's not much more to do except wait for the end of it all, the moment where one of us finally finds the strength to end it, or something happens that finally helps me to move on. It happened in my last relationship and, painful as it was, it was also a big relief to have that sort of clear and definite break... maybe it will happen here too. If I find out that she has been cheating or something-- that would do it.

 

[nodejesque]

I have been wanting to respond to your posts for a while, but I am not sure how to articulate what I think.

I understand how you feel, especially the attachment. With my ex, it was very difficult for me to stop wanting him. I knew that I didn't love him, but the mutual attachment was very strong, making it difficult for either one of us to fully let go.

What I see when I read your posts is that this woman is dragging you along. Regardless of cultural barriers. I do not believe there is an eintent to commit from either side, and the easiest thing to do is to make a break. I know, way easier said than done. Especially if the sex is good. However, perhaps by dating and getting to know other women.. It may ease the need you feel for this particular woman? I don't know or have any idea of how easy it is to date there.. But from what I have read, it is clear that this is tormenting you, and I can't see any other way than for you to cut her off.

For me, it took months before I stopped wanting to call him. I would feel extremely guilty when he would reach out to me with claims of missing me. So, I tried to be as considerate as I could be... And I ended it. I changed my number, and just kept busy.

It has been my experience that when you have shared something as intimate as sex and have confided your vulnerabilities to someone... Fear is a deterring factor in ending the relationship. Especially for me, as I deal with issues of inadequacy and just a bunch of tother crap.

In your case, she very well may be dating someone else in order to appease her parents, and concede to familial pressure of seeking a husband. You don't want to wait for her to actually hurt you anymore or waste your time any further. You mention that you are two years away from 40, use this as a time to go out and seek other partners. Especially if you plan on staying there for a while.

I hate to read that you are stuck in this situation, where she really is the one who determines when and where. Ultimately, your feeling should be considered as well. You deserve better, and I think you can get it.

Anyway. I don't know if this will help... But I hope it does.

 

[Odo]

^Yes, I think I definitely agree.

This whole thing is just making me really miserable, and to tell the truth I feel much better when I can tell myself it's over. It NEEDS to end, but I keep putting myself back into it.

Like today... last night I went and told her I didn't understand Chinese culture so I was going to try to be more open-minded about things, and she didn't respond. Completely ignored. I was seriously expecting this signal of good intentions to AT LEAST be met with some sort of acknowledgment, but NO. Nothing. I was furious, and again deleted her from my messaging program.

I went through the day semi-normally, talked to some students and co-workers, and I realized that not thinking about her and knowing I couldn't contact her was like having a huge burden lifted from my mind. It's up to her to get back to me-- but so far there has been nothing. Maybe she won't even get back to me tonight. Maybe she won't even get back to me tomorrow. Who knows??? In the past, she got upset because I didn't respond to her within an hour. I honestly think that when she does contact me, I'll just delete her again. Let her sweat it out. Maybe I'll just continue to delete her over and over until there's either a breakdown, a breakthrough (except not likely) or she gives up.

Really, it's messed up that I'm in a relationship where I would even consider treating someone like that. I've even contemplated finding some other girl and then sending her pictures of myself and that girl together as a breakup message-- this is how insane I have become. At this point, the idea that we could have a future together is absurd. We might be able to patch up this particular bump in the road and we might even be able to temporarily sex away the bullshit if she actually does end up meeting me in 2 weeks (I'm tempted to deliberately make other plans for that weekend just so I don't end up disappointed when she cancels at the last minute)... but I really can't imagine ever fixing the very serious personality clashes and ****ed up mind games that are taking place between us.

I mean, she's not going to suddenly start being open and acknowledging everything I say... probably ever. It's just going to be this maddening trend of ignoring the deep things and only really responding when I show her pictures of food I'm eating or simple things. It's going to be boring shit forever and everything that is even a little meaningful or interesting or challenging will be cast aside. She isn't going to travel with me. She isn't going to have interesting conversations with me. She just wants to have a baby and settle down and be boring forever... except for the sex, which I think will be good. But of course, it can also get stale.

For this reason and many more, I know what I'm doing is pathetic, but I'm hanging on mostly because I'm afraid of what comes next. It doesn't even have anything to do with her, really... it's me. I've always hated not knowing what was going to happen next-- I always need routines and plans or else I get anxious and feel like the world is going to end or something.

Part of me wants to say that everything she does just makes me feel worse and worse, but really, she isn't even doing anything... I'm doing it to myself. She's just some Chinese girl being Chinese... I'm the neurotic basketcase who is already pretty stressed out and feels like he needs some stable human contact or... something will happen.

Maybe the biggest problem I have right now is that I don't have enough to do. I only work 3 days a week and the work isn't particularly difficult. The big day is from 8:25-5:20, and the other 2 days are either just the morning or just the afternoon. There is a meeting on Tuesday, followed by Chinese class... and then 2 hours Wednesday night as well. But it's nothing... it's a joke. I just repeat myself over and over for each class... and then on Wednesdays I just do something easy as well. I put almost no effort into any of it, and all it really demands of me at this point is that I show up and try not to think too much about what could happen with me in front of the crowd and such.

So I have a lot of free time, which wouldn't be an issue if I wasn't so isolated here... I have just enough work to not be able to go anywhere (travel isn't easy from here), but not enough to keep me busy. I pick up the guitar I bought and it always seems to come down to the same songs and same chords and same rhythms over and over. I keep attacking my script but once I get the ideas out, I lose interest... I don't just sit down and write anymore, everything has to be neurotically planned out in advance so I don't accidentally copy something else or write a bad sentence or whatever. I honestly think at some point in my past, probably when I set out to write my big masterpiece novel in university, I trained myself to be afraid of making mistakes by editing away more than I ever allowed myself to write.

It's actually much harder for me to motivate myself when I don't have a lot to do... I usually come up with a lot of great stuff when I'm putting off other work. If there's no work, then I don't have that motivated mindset.

I wish I had a mountain to climb or something. I should probably start running again, just to give myself goals or something to do. I think I only get this way when I'm not doing anything, and feel stuck.

 

[Odo]

Also today:

Neighbor guy was having another delerium tremens episode because of alcohol withdrawal. He showed up to our meeting not being jovial or sociable, but all shaky and withdrawn, which is how he gets when he's having an episode/hearing voices.

He apparently contacted other people last night instead of me, which I guess is good for me but maybe not so good for him, because the other guy actually brought it up today when we were having out meeting and kind of made fun of him in a wink wink sort of way... announcing it to everyone without delving too deeply into the details.

So he's now trusting others with it all, expecting them to take care of him. Apparently this is a first for the others, because one guy actually said 'well, you've only got to go through it once'. They know he has a problem with alcohol, but I don't think they know just how bad it is. This is at least the fifth time I've seen him go through this since I got here. The first time he asked me to go outside and check if someone was shouting outside. The second time, we were in another city and he just disappeared for a while without taking his phone. The third time, he was here and it was the holiday, so I invited him into my apartment to sleep so he would feel 'safe'. The fourth time was the night before classes began, when he was also hearing voices and was following me around like a lost dog, even though at that point I had already been on my trip with him and was pretty sick of him... so I was more confrontational and less willing to put up with his bullshit. And now it has happened again, and the people he hasn't already alienated are dealing with it as if it's the first time, and still think he can get over it.

NO, he CAN'T. This also happened when he lived in China last year... except it involved a major breakdown where he was missing for about a week, tried to kill himself, could have hurt others, and had absolutely no control over his own actions.

He will be drinking again by the next weekend, guaranteed... and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like maybe calling his parents could help, but then I'm not sure how that would go over or what they would do. Maybe if I explained how serious it is, they would come and rescue him or something.

To be honest, I really don't want to deal with it, mostly because I probably can't. I don't know what to do and I think I would just make things worse. I want to contact his father, but I'm not sure how that would go.

 

[Odo]

I know how this is going to sound, I really do.

Today I actually communicated for a full hour with Chinese girl over the phone. I was just going to ignore her, but instead of some basic message devoid of communication, she sent me a picture of herself looking sad.

God dammit is she ever cute. I guess I said before that she was more photogenic than attractive in real life, which I suppose is true... but yeah, I can't stay mad at her after looking at that photo. I seriously just look at her adorable eyes and adorable nose and adorable mouth and cute little arms and it's like trying to ignore a wounded kitten.

She told me how she was, and actually responded to me. She said she hates her new job, and has been feeling really down about it. I tried to console her, and then there was a conversation where actual information was exchanged. Eventually she showed me that she was wearing the necklace I gave her for her birthday. :sad:

But of course, the conversation also had its dark side... and the dark side involved money. She isn't making so much money now, so of course she isn't happy about it... she THOUGHT she was going to be making a lot, but of course then she realized that the salary she was quoted was for successful people who reap in a lot of commission... and the base salary is $300 per month, which is absurd.

So now all she can think about is money. I offered to do something that she really enjoys and pay for everything, but she says she doesn't know what she wants to do... I really hope she doesn't just want money, but actually I have been reading online about what Chinese marriages/relationships are like, and it seems like it's actually quite common for men to pay the bride's family thousands of dollars to get married, which is insane. I honestly suspect they think that I'm rich because I'm a foreigner, and they have this notion of foreigners being wealthy... so they're going to try to rape me financially by getting their daughter to pretend to love me. I wonder if the way she has been behaving is part of it... she was attending some sort of charm school before, I wonder if it's one of the notorious 'husband-attracting' courses that 27 year olds tend to take out of fear of being a 'leftover woman'. Maybe they teach emotional manipulation? Am I being too paranoid here? I mean, if there is a desperation to get married, then why would that be out of the question?

I mean, ordinarily when I meet a girl I can get some sense of what it means to be poor, and I at least don't have to worry that there are expectations that aren't being announced. But here there is so much I don't understand, and I think my own expectations are probably extremely different from hers... I don't even know if she understands what it's like to not be Chinese.

I was also thinking of what type of Chinese girl would actually be willing to date a foreigner, and I came to the conclusion that since being known to have dated a foreigner would ruin her chances with Chinese men, my (anti-)girlfriend is probably going to great lengths to conceal our relationship, and if asked about it in the future, will probably lie. So if she is capable of doing that, exactly what else is she capable of concealing?

It's really kind of horrible that the fact that she's actually even dating me in the first place means she knows how to lie to people.

It's so hard to get out of this relationship when I'm not even sure if I want to... I mean, how can I even be sure of her intentions? I know that if a western girl was doing this stuff, she would be insane and probably would have dumped me by now... but I have no idea what any of this means.

 

[Odo]

I think it's probably over, but then I can't be sure.

I guess it's probably pretty pathetic how I keep hanging on like this, when we barely even talk and when we do our entire communication consists of complaints, communication breakdowns and the same boring shit over and over.

So after our last conversation, which I think might have been a day or two after my last post, I deleted her AGAIN... and she hasn't gotten back to me. I haven't spoken to her in almost a full week now, and in that time I actually tried flirting with another girl. Of course I don't think it's going to go anywhere with that girl, but the point is that doing that helped me to realize that forgetting her will probably be pretty easy if I can just start doing things.

It's so nice not having to worry about whether she likes me or not. That sense of knowing where I stand, even though I don't really, is pretty satisfying. Maybe it's just satisfying to know I haven't just sent her a text message that she might not respond to... that was really driving me nuts. It was just so incredibly humiliating.

Part of me suspects that she's avoiding me because I had requested some time ago that we meet up this weekend. Possibly because she doesn't want to see me, but also possibly because she said she might have to work, and she didn't want to disappoint me. I know how that sounds, but it's China... she had said those exact words to me in our last conversation. There were other, less warm words exchanged as well, but she probably just pretended that they never even happened.

Unfortunately, I was already monumentally disappointed that she still claimed to have feelings for me and yet wouldn't make me a priority after over a month of not seeing each other... so if she really didn't want to disappoint me, she failed. I'm not sure if she understands that, though.

On the other hand, I don't think I was really thinking about much more than getting laid when I made the request, so whatever.... but still, I don't think I deserve to be strung along like this.

So yeah... either she is avoiding me because she thinks I'm going to be upset and doesn't want to hear it, or she has given up completely. I really hope it's the latter. If I wasn't so goddam lonely, I would probably be purely relieved. I might hear from her again, but I don't think we've gone this long without contacting each other since we've met. However if she doesn't contact me again, I think it will be better. It's actually a lot less annoying and painful to just not talk to her at all.

I don't really have much else to say-- life is really boring. My sleep schedule has been ruined by my new teaching schedule combined with a general lack of discipline, and a preference for that feeling that descends on me when I'm tired and less capable of censoring myself or being distracted. I suppose I should start being interested in other things again, if only for the sake of the people who might be reading this.

 

[Odo]

Sure enough, this morning she texts me some sunshine icons and then tells me she has been in another city at some sort of training program.

SERIOUSLY?

I didn't respond, and deleted her again. I don't know where this is going, but I'm pretty sure we're past the point where I could ever seriously consider her girlfriend material. Maybe FWB or something... but she's not exactly convenient for that. So I'll probably just keep posting in my SPW journal about everything she does, because even though it's frustrating it also has value as a peek into the world of dating someone from a different culture.

I am sincerely amazed that this girl can keep going like this. I have no idea what is going on in her head-- seriously, none. I don't even think she has any capacity for self-reflection on the way that she behaves.

Does she think we're friends? Does she think that this is how relationships work? Does she just want to keep me around in case she can't find anyone else? Does she want me to stop responding so she'll know it's okay to break up with me? Is that how women from her culture think? I have no idea what will happen next.

It's not exactly annoying at this stage, because I've made peace with the prospect of never seeing her again, or at least haven't responded to her immediately, which is actually kind of empowering. I think I'll ignore her for another few days and see what happens...

 

[Odo]

Today she did her normal routine -- she sent me a message consisting of my name and a 'worried' face because I ignored her yesterday.

So today I responded, and she told me again that she had gone on a trip. I told her that I had a friend who lived in that city, and that it was a female friend... she started to ask questions like 'do you like her?' and such. I just kept being honest, saying that of course I liked her because she's my friend... and that her English was very good and we talk often. Another worried face. I definitely talk to her more than I talk to this girl who seems to think we're in a relationship... but whose fault is that? She then says if I like her, I have her 'blessing', which is just so ****ing weird. I have no idea if she means that she doesn't care, if she thinks she's being noble, if she wanted out but didn't know how to say it... or what.

I actually told her that I cancelled a trip to spend time with my friend in her hometown because I was waiting for almost my ENTIRE ****ING VACATION for 'girlfriend' to arrange a date to meet up, and then she would cancel at the last minute. I then said that this friend wasn't my girlfriend, and that I was alone (I said alone because I wasn't sure if she would understand single). I then said 'anyways talk to you later' and deleted her from my wechat AGAIN.

As I kept witnessing her reaction, it just kept making me angrier and angriier. The fact that she was just pretending everything was okay, talking about the simple events of her life like some sort of robot, only reacting when I gave her the expected responses, etc.

I now realize that the reason she avoided me for a week was indeed so she wouldn't have to tell me about her trip, because she thought I would be angry. She waited until the trip was over to talk to me because she thought I would get upset that she was missing the weekend I had previously asked to spend with her.

Now she probably thinks I'm cheating on her, even though I'm sitting at home alone every night, being ignored... and there is absolutely no indication that there is anything resembling a relationship between us. She is probably telling her friends I cheated on her, found someone else, etc... and they are telling her that foreigners can't be trusted, that I was just using her, etc.

A lot of the time she doesn't even understand what I'm saying, and when she does she just suppresses and denies and acts like it never happened. I could probably ignore her better if I had a new girlfriend. I guess I could ask someone to set me up with a friend or something.

EDIT: And now before she goes to sleep she messages me telling me she's sad because I don't love her, and is still jealous of the friend I told her about and asked me how many girls are in my life... amazing.

The good news is that usually when she gets this way, I feel like she might actually LISTEN, if only because she wants to save the relationship. I honestly think that because of the way Chinese people view words and verbal/text communication in general, just telling her I'm upset isn't enough and I actually need to make her FEEL like I'm upset by changing my behavior. So I explained that in my home country a new job would NOT prevent couples from getting together, that she was my first Chinese girlfriend and there are many things I don't understand, etc., etc.... and I thought maybe I made some sort of breakthrough, but in the end all she actually cared about was whether or not I had other girls in my life.

But again, this is verbal communication so who knows how much of it actually got through?

 

[Odo]

Talking about seeing other girls with this girl has totally turned everything around.

I mean, before I felt like I was just annoying her... now she is sending me pictures on a daily basis, making sure they show that she is wearing the necklace I gave her... and has officially made plans to see me.

Maybe talking about other girls was the only way to make our breakup seem real to her... or maybe she just wanted me to chase her or something... but then, she only responded when I pulled away. I think it's more about her being really insecure.

Anyways, now I'm trying to make her as jealous as possible... if not because there's a future, then because it feels good.

 

[Odo]

Today before my class the director of our department and our go-to person from administration announced they were going to sit in my class and watch-- I think it was part of my contract renewal.

The director is a pretty intimidating woman-- she must have been an absolutely horrible teacher because she enjoys coming up with poorly thought out ideas and then dropping them on us because she thinks it's going to impress whoever it is she wants to impress. She also forces us to attend pointless meetings that ruin our otherwise free Tuesdays, scheduling them in the middle of the afternoon so we have to wait all morning and then when they're finished we can't go anywhere. The meetings are literally us sitting in a room, talking about our frustrations with the school and then the other teachers discuss their 'English Corner', which I am not a part of.

Anyways, afterwards I was told I had nothing to worry about and the administration girl said that my class was 'awesome'... so I guess that I can come back next year if I want. I could tell that she was impressed throughout, actually... but then again, it's not hard to impress her because most of the other teachers don't even really try, don't organize anything, etc... they go off on tangents that the students don't even understand. Alcoholic neighbor actually told me the other day that he started talking about Donald Trump. WTF? These kids can barely even understand basic instructions, some don't know the difference between 30 and 40... and you're going to start talking about American politics? Another guy goes off on tangents that are really boring... I actually overheard one of his lessons while I was doing an exam-- the kids just sit there not doing anything while he mumbles about fishing trips he took when he was a kid or something. He doesn't elicit, doesn't pre-teach anything... just mumbles anecdotes and then says 'here's a video' and plays it. This is seriously what my co-workers are like.

They caught me at the end of the day where I do 8 periods straight, which is a good thing and bad thing. It's good because by that time my lesson has been practiced over and over (I only teach one lesson all week long), so it's pretty polished and I know exactly what to do... but also bad because I'm freaking tired and the class before that one really takes it out of me. I was also a little worried, because I had intended to give them a study period which they tend not to use for studying. The point is supposed to be to look over their shoulders and correct their writing, but there wasn't so much to correct because most of them weren't writing... and to be honest, I don't care enough about it to push the issue. It's mostly about me resting my voice and not being on the spot, to be honest.

Anyways, they left halfway through and didn't see that part, so that was a major relief. The director apparently thought that I was 'a little shy' and was upset because I didn't do the speaking part-- except I DID do it, after they left. The shy thing was probably at least somewhat due to being nervous because I was being watched... but then, I think I am sometimes a little shy with my students, especially when I'm having a high anxiety day.

I told this to the administration woman and she made up a lie about being 'busy right now' after everyone else had eaten dinner and gone home... maybe because she doesn't like reading rationales... and in China you're just supposed to accept what you're told and not talk about it.

I didn't really think that being rehired was going to be an issue, since they also re-hired someone who is by all means clinically insane, and a guy who does nothing but avoid people and play video games in his free time. Mind you I also avoid people, but not to the same extent. I'm pretty sure that the only way to not get rehired is to have sex with a student/students or to make their lives really difficult...

I really have to wonder if my alcoholic 'friend' is going to be rehired as well-- to be honest, I think that if he was coming back, it could make me think twice about staying. I told the others I had just been watched and he picked up on it so this could mean he's going to be on his best behavior... I'm thinking that was a mistake. I would have liked to know that he isn't coming back... it would have made me feel a lot more relaxed.

He has been sober lately, which is good-- some of that could be due to the fact that another teacher talked to his father and told him that it's not our responsibility to look after his alcoholic son, so the father called him and then I guess maybe that snapped him out of it. I honestly don't even know. I suppose that when your whole social support network turns against you, it has an impact. But I'm worried that impact could turn negative.

He has been trying to keep busy, which is good... but... well, he's just really annoying. His mind is fried, so he never really remembers things... you have to repeat everything and nothing sticks. He gets annoyed when I can't remember how to get to places I've been to only once before, but meanwhile he didn't remember either.

He keeps taking the lead in social situations using his Chinese language, and the more I learn myself the more I realize he really isn't so good at speaking it. He mostly uses a very limited vocabulary and his tones and pronunication are pretty bad... I think he mostly succeeds by being more aggressive. He tells me he has been studying hard, but then it never shows.

He constantly has incredibly large plans. He wants to open businesses, change his career, start cooking, start doing this and that, buy this and that, etc. etc. He constantly talks about it too... but then nothing ever really happens. It's draining to have to humor him.

He is good at bringing people together because is constantly extending invitations... the whole fear of being alone thing means whenever he isn't hiding away drunk in his room, he's trying to do something with whoever is willing to spend time with him.

The other day we went to Walmart (which is the main activity in this isolated place), and afterwards he forgot to get something while inside, so he asked me to wait for him at the bus stop. I really didn't want to, because it was around 8:30 pm and the number of buses in operation at that time drop off around 9 pm. I really wanted to get home, but he's so goddam needy... I hesitantly agreed, and to make sure I wouldn't leave, he left a bag of his groceries there with me. I waited for over 40 minutes and watched 3 buses go by... then when he finally comes out we have to wait another 30 minutes for the very last bus, which is of course packed.

We had decided to get off at this new stop which is a little closer... but of course we can't see out the windows and the bus is full of people including someone who seriously smelled like he had been rolling around in a dead animal. When this huge rush of people leaves the bus, he just assumes that's the stop and goes out the door. I am dying to get off this bus so I go too... but of course we realize it's not the right stop and he gets upset because he had planned on going back into town to play games. I don't know why, but I apologized-- then I took it back, because ****ing hell he led the way after making me wait over an hour to go home-- for no reason other than he didn't want to take his groceries back into Walmart and couldn't bear the thought of taking the bus back alone.

 

[Odo]

Today was the day of the pointless meeting and Chinese class, and I am so incredibly stressed right now.

When we were sitting in the room, alcoholic guy started asking questions about the meetings to some random Chinese person who works in that room because he thought that he was the head of administration. This guy started work here just one week after me and he doesn't recognize the head of administration?? The Chinese person didn't understand why he was asking him all of these questions, or really much of what he was saying, and thought he was asking about the buses. It was a pointless conversation and alcoholic didn't even seem to realize that the other guy had no idea what was going on, so I started to laugh under my breath...

I guess maybe he thought it was me being nasty because alcoholic then turned around and said 'Chill out, (last name)'. Seriously... I ****ing hate being called by my last name. I hate my last name as well, probably because I associate it with my dad and because I hate the way it sounds.

Anyways, that's when I decided to tell him that the person he was talking to wasn't who he thought it was.... at which point something clicked, he stopped asking questions and just let it die out-- pretending he had gotten the information he wanted. I then said 'well, I guess that answers your question'. I have no idea if it was an honest mistake or if he's seriously fried, but the other foreigners in the room assumed it was the latter.

I should have just let him go on and on to the point of getting upset, then when he inevitably expressed his frustrations hoping the others would back him up, let someone else tell him.

He just makes me so nervous all the time now. I don't even want to make eye contact with him because I seriously think he is too fried. It's not even like being around a real person... just this weird creature who thinks he can pretend that everything is okay and no one will know... a total facade.

The meeting involved the usual bitching about the school, and then everyone was talking about job offers from other places and contract renewal as well.... it annoyed me because it was seriously a bunch of misfits talking about how in demand they are... people who have no business in a classroom, wondering whether the job they have is good enough for them. Teachers are never the coolest people, but when you combine it with the whole expat angle it takes it to a whole other level.

Our Chinese class is a serious source of stress for me... mostly because of alcoholic. He is constantly asking questions, constantly trying to show off... he thinks he knows things that he doesn't know, and is always trying to be like a second teacher. It's pissing everyone off, and wastes a lot of time.

They basically got everyone to buy a book and then got two girls from administration to teach it... ridiculous. The new girl is better than the last one, because at least she doesn't treat us like children. Everyone else is delighted simply because it's free.

I keep imagining myself in their position... and to be honest, if I had students like us in my class, I would be pretty annoyed. I mean, it's just a lot of people speaking in English-- complaining about things. A lot of people who just won't shut up. Today we spent about 10 minutes watching the chinese girl explain something that she then ended up covering again 20 minutes later. She couldn't have looked at the textbook, and there definitely was no plan other than 'show up, go through the book'.

It's also stressful because of this other guy who will not shut up. He just rants in English about whatever, complains that it's too hard, gets frustrated easily, and then walked out of the lesson today saying that Chinese is a stupid language and is now going to depend on his Chinese wife whenever he needs something translated. This is the same guy who about an hour and a half earlier was bragging that he was an amazing teacher and shouldn't be told how to teach.

Goddam all people.

 

[Odo]

I've been listening to the theme song from the 1978 Superman movie over and over. I honestly don't think that a more heroic-sounding pop-culture-worshipping piece of music even exists. I have no idea why I'm drawn to it, though... I'm not feeling particularly heroic or popular... in fact, just the opposite.

Even listening to it on my MP3 player when walking around campus makes me feel ashamed of myself, like I have absolutely no right to be confident or feel good about myself, considering how wretched I am.

 

[Odo]

I'm embarrassed to admit that I am still in contact with Chinese girl. I know it has to end, really I do... but I keep getting stuck.

We're currently going through an ignoring each other period.

After she thought I had lost interest and started crying and everything, things eventually went back to normal and she even said she would meet me after her training is finished. I asked to come see her this weekend because I've never seen the city she's in, we have Monday off and oh yeah, she seems to think we're in a relationship and we haven't seen each other since January. JANUARY.

Of course she is too busy/has to focus on her training. This time I have learned that getting upset about this does nothing, so I just accept it. I mean, whatever... it's not like I have anything else going on in my life right now, she's not hearing me when I say it's over, and there's no way I'm going to stay with her if someone else comes along... so I really don't have much to lose at this point and it's not like I'm stringing her along any more than she is doing the same to me.

So this causes no blowups this time, but then later on I mention something about missing sex and she gets upset. She insists that she wants our relationship to be 'pure'-- which doesn't mean not having sex... it just means not talking about it, I guess. Maybe it's because it's a more conservative culture and girls are supposed to be virgins for marriage or maybe she just thinks I'm too hung up on it... I don't know. Anyways, since then I haven't heard from her... I think it has been about 3 or 4 days. I tried to get a response twice, then deleted her again.

It's always kind of nice to get these little breaks because it gives me space and helps me to see things objectively. Really, the only thing that is keeping me available to her at all is the prospect of sex. It's kind of odd-- on the surface she is offering me a lot of things I really want... sex, marriage, family, acceptance, etc... and she also seems willing to do things that I enjoy doing. My age and low sense of self worth is telling me I need to leap at this opportunity because I might not get another. I mean, even if she isn't perfect, she mostly accepts me. I do suspect she will try to change me more than is possible in the long term, though.

I used to think she would be a good mother, but to be honest, the way she's treating me now is making me reconsider... she would probably do what she thinks is best, but I'm worried that my child would end up incredibly messed up in the head. Is she going to ignore our children like she ignores me? I can't even imagine what would happen to a kid if she was constantly telling them that she was too busy to spend time with them. I suppose in China they just pass the children onto the grandparents, though... which means my child would be raised by people I'm not allowed to meet until I agree to commit to her, who have zero understanding of my culture, who could quite possibly have zero respect for me or said culture, and who for all I know could be ****ing crazy. I've heard nightmare stories about foreign men who can't talk to their children, or who become like these sort of outsiders in their own family. I mean, there is going to be a degree of that especially if I don't learn the language, but yeah... it's a fear.

Why am I even wondering about these things when it's obvious we will never get to that stage??? I think it's mostly because these things are probably legitimate concerns in every relationship that has any potential to develop... even though I think that window has closed, it's still in my mind because I honestly think she's the first person who has ever considered me a serious candidate for fatherhood.

Maybe that's just it too-- I've never been taken seriously as a man before, and it's very appealing. It's odd how back home people think that you're not allowed to be taken seriously in that way until you've proven yourself, and yet the moment someone thinks of me that way for no legitimate reason, I'm psychologically preparing and am already thinking about what I need to do to fulfill my role. To be fair, she isn't completely convinced I'm a good candidate, which is probably part of why we're having trouble... but for a while there, I was seriously over the moon. To be received as if you're a normal, capable person when you and everyone else has been treating you like an overgrown child is very appealing. It only lasts until they find out, but yeah... gratifying. All of this bullshit about earning people's respect and I finally realize that if people treated me like the person they think I should be, I would probably be doing much better in life. And by people, I largely mean my parents... but others too.

Until two years ago, I hadn't had an enduring relationship since high school... yes, it was that bad. I don't think that I had even had sex with the same person more than 10 times... and it's not like I was a Casanova. I went years without sex as well. So while in some ways I guess I know MYSELF, I don't always have a good sense of how to function with other people, which means I have doubts about my behavior... but also about what I am capable of changing in the context of a relationship.

I think it's probably most important to realize that my isolation and loneliness weren't necessarily due to not being able to get along with people in general, but due to not being outgoing or confident enough to have met the right person, or to have let them know how I felt. But then, I have also caught myself falling into negative behavior patterns and doing things that aren't helping... with this girl, it's largely out of frustration. There is seriously very little keeping us together now, except the connection that occurs after having slept with someone enough and the fact that neither of us seem to be giving up.

I keep doubting myself, wondering if I really do feel the way I tell myself I am, or if I'm just telling myself that because I don't like how things are at this moment. I keep wondering if it's unreasonable for me to expect her to be more open to the possibility of seeing me, because I have no idea what her training is like or if this is simply how Chinese people are about their jobs-- it could be cultural or it could be simply her family's way and I'm not familiar with it simply because I don't understand the culture. Sometimes I even wonder if all of these doubts are my own neurosis or lack of confidence as opposed to a rational reaction to a seriously strange pattern of behavior from another person. Most of the time, all of these assertions about it being 'over' are rooted in my need to have CLARITY, and aren't really related to how I feel about this person. I know I've never felt this frustrated by a relationship before, though.

***

I had planned on travelling somewhere this weekend but ended up staying up late and sleeping in every day instead... I doubt I'll go anywhere. I'm not completely upset about it.

I'll save money, and travelling here is always a major hassle. It's not like Korea where I could just walk to the station and hop on the next train... I have to take 2 buses to get to the train station (3 during the holidays when the buses don't come to the campus) and THEN I can get to where I want to go... those extra hassles are enough of a psychological deterrent for me. Plus, it's a holiday-- so a lot of other people will be travelling... which means more stress on top of that.

I had thought about going to this 'scenic village', but the problem with those places is always that it takes so long to figure these things out and then there's a risk of getting stuck there. On top of that, I wasn't so keen on it to begin with... it was mostly about giving myself something to do. But I would be alone. I can handle being at home alone, but not far away from everything and alone.

 

[Odo]

I signed up to a dating site and ended up talking to some girl. This is apparently how I deal with my current 'relationship' frustrations.

It was a real struggle with this one as well, however. I guess I can't expect too much, but yeah... either she was really shy, not interested, or this is what they mean by 'Chinese girls want to be pursued'.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling very confident... not that it matters when you're chatting online. I also wasn't feeling very forward, I guess because in some ways I suppose I'm still together with the last one, even though it has now been a few days without talking and I honestly have no idea what she has been doing most of the time for the past few months.

I mean, usually in a relationship, people tend to know a bit more about what the other person is doing, right? Am I wrong about this? I'm not being jealous here, I just honestly think that a little acknowledgment every day is a good thing in a relationship. It doesn't have to be an engrossing conversation, but yeah... I need SOMETHING. I need some indication that she actually cares, and I don't mean these manic professions of love whenever she thinks I've found someone else and she feels jealous and upset or whatever. As soon as she feels like I'm on board, she starts making demands. Again I find myself in a position where I'm hoping she stops contacting me.

But I still expect to hear from her soon, and when I do, there will be no explanations, no 'hey, this is how I have been'... it will probably just be something incredibly shallow like 'the weather is good today' or pictures of what she's eating or time with friends.

Anyways, this girl I talked to tonight was either really shy or something else was wrong, like maybe she didn't like me or something. I think I sent her about 5 lines of text, she responded, and then she needed to take a shower. Later on, I sent her my picture, and she told me she loved my skin... then a few more lines of text, and then she had to go to bed. The weird thing was she had to go to bed right after I tried to ask her where her hometown was, so I still don't know where she's from. Am I going to ask her again later?

Yeah... I can already tell that this isn't going anywhere. But at least it means the last girl was probably just Chinese as opposed to completely insane. Or maybe they're both blowing me off.

It's amazing how much my interactions with these people affects me... I always feel vaguely creepy. I suppose it's because I know I'm insecure, and even though I think I know how to hide it, knowing that it's there makes me unsure of how I'm being received. It's a spiral of self-doubt that keeps forcing me to question everything, and ultimately just pushes everyone away.

In other news, I've started running again. I thought I would be really out of shape but it turns out all of this lazing around doing nothing since December hasn't completely ruined me physically. I'm not going to be entering any marathons, but I worked up a decent sweat and passed a lot of people on the track.