Uncomfortable giving advice

[KiaKaha]

Just wondering how you guys feel about giving advice. I know there are some users here that are really great at it and give advice and comfort to those daily....and its those kinds of people that gives this forum its strength. Engaging with people is something I wish I could do better.

For me though giving advice is something that I very rarely do....mostly because of...funnily enough...anxiety. I am worried that if I do give advice I might be so far off the mark that I might make a fool of myself. I might not interpret or understand what it is that another person is seeking advice about.

I would like too... I really would. I dont like seeing people unhappy, especially those who feel like no one cares or understands what they are going through.
But (and probably rather selfishly) I cant get passed the fear of just getting it wrong.

Can anyone relate here?

 

[KiaKaha]

Also as an afterthought...

How does anyone know with certainty that the advice they are giving is correct? Isnt it all subjective? I wonder about this a lot. I guess... one can gauge whether or not the advice given is helpful dependent on whether or not the reaction is positive.

I dont know...dont mind me...I am just rambling now...

 

[Phoenixx]

For me though giving advice is something that I very rarely do....mostly because of...funnily enough...anxiety. I am worried that if I do give advice I might be so far off the mark that I might make a fool of myself. I might not interpret or understand what it is that another person is seeking advice about.

I would like too... I really would. I dont like seeing people unhappy, especially those who feel like no one cares or understands what they are going through.
But (and probably rather selfishly) I cant get passed the fear of just getting it wrong.

^ You basically summed it up for me. I'm like this too, and I'll admit I do feel a bit useless on the site since I don't give advice much. I will from time to time, it's just a bit rare.

 

[Srijita52]

I'm not good at giving advice at all. I mean I want to help but always find myself not knowing the 'right stuff' to say. So I can never be much of a help to anyone. I really admire those who can give useful advice. And yeah, I guess its a bit subjective depending on the person.
Btw I think you're a very nice person ShyKiwi, I enjoy reading your posts here

 

[1BlackSheep]

I'm no good at giving advice either! We definitely have a few folks on SPW who are quite gifted in their ability to advise and always seem to know just the right thing to say. Wish I had that talent!

But, I think most people appreciate words of support or simply a "I understand where you're coming from", and this is a role we can fill. You know, kind of like a "supporting actor" in a movie! After all, the sum of the whole is greater than it's parts.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

ShyKiwi, I'm always afraid that whatever I post won't help or that I'll sound stupid, like now::. But, I do want to help someone in some way if I see them in pain. For them, I take a risk and try to add my input and thoughts. Sometimes what I say doesn't help people, so I rely on everyone else to follow me up and make sense where I can't. Even if what we say is completely off-base, I think that just the act of responding to their problems shows that you care, which helps on its own in some way.

 

[KiaKaha]

Yup yup definitely good points made...

I guess some of us dont have the flair. Its something I would like to work on. I have always felt that whether the advice hits the target or not is just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes the intention behind the advice is what encourages and supports...not the actual advice itself.

I am glad I am not the only one here who is.. ahem....advice handicapped

 

[KiaKaha]

ShyKiwi, I'm always afraid that whatever I post won't help or that I'll sound stupid, like now::. But, I do want to help someone in some way if I see them in pain. For them, I take a risk and try to add my input and thoughts. Sometimes what I say doesn't help people, so I rely on everyone else to follow me up and make sense where I can't. Even if what we say is completely off-base

You definitely don't sound stupid Deadman. In fact I admire your bravery... which is something I lack. You are one of the good ones.

I think that just the act of responding to their problems shows that you care, which helps on its own in some way.

^^ Without a doubt. I have found mere acknowledgement can make a HUGE difference to someones day. Perhaps even someones life.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

yes! i can relate. it's a deep seated issue with me. i struggle to see myself as someone who's capable of giving good advice.
i haven't really lived. i don't see myself as wordly or wise. not only do i feel that my thoughts aren't valuable or helpful, i'm also extremely self conscious about how i express myself.
(on the other hand, a part of me knows that i'm a bit too self critical.)

But, you are capable telepathine. I haven't lived either; in fact, you're smarter and more worldly than I am, so you should be able to blow me out of the water::. Just say what comes from your heart, that's what I do. Your thoughts and opinions are important too.

 

[MikeyC]

I try to give advice out when I can, but even then my advice is complete rubbish. If there's a problem and I know I can't help, I try to steer clear of the situation.

Telepathine, nobody has really "lived." We're just trying to do the best we can with the knowledge we have.

 

[she1slander]

For me though giving advice is something that I very rarely do....mostly because of...funnily enough...anxiety. I am worried that if I do give advice I might be so far off the mark that I might make a fool of myself. I might not interpret or understand what it is that another person is seeking advice about.

You will only know that you misinterpreted or misunderstood what was being said by getting feedback from the advice you managed to give. So unless you feel certain that what you're saying will be helpful, you will find the courage to give it. It comes with confidence in your words and confidence in the people who may read the advice you posted to take it or leave it.

Any thread advice has an audience greater than just that one person in need, it will sit there for years and be read many times. Better, I think, to risk bad advice than to not give any at all.

I concur. I've always felt that way about topics that may or may not exactly pertain to my life at that point. For some reason, the advice given out by people who seem to know what they're talking about tends to capture my attention more than the people who are highly knowledgeable and attach links to cite their sources. I think it has to do with the fact that people just want to show that they care despite their lack of prior knowledge or limited information to help someone who really needs it.

We're just trying to do the best we can with the knowledge we have.

THIS. I must say you said it best with that sentence. There's good advice and there's better advice but only best advice comes with best efforts (along with learning through experiences and showing confidence).

 

[Insanewoman389]

Just wondering how you guys feel about giving advice. I know there are some users here that are really great at it and give advice and comfort to those daily....and its those kinds of people that gives this forum its strength. Engaging with people is something I wish I could do better.

For me though giving advice is something that I very rarely do....mostly because of...funnily enough...anxiety. I am worried that if I do give advice I might be so far off the mark that I might make a fool of myself. I might not interpret or understand what it is that another person is seeking advice about.

I would like too... I really would. I dont like seeing people unhappy, especially those who feel like no one cares or understands what they are going through.
But (and probably rather selfishly) I cant get passed the fear of just getting it wrong.

Can anyone relate here?

I'm exactly the same way! I wish I could help people cause like you I don't like seeing people unhappy and it makes me feel better knowing I've helped but I can never think of the right thing to say and when I do think of something to say its not much and I always worry it won't help. I'm better at helping someone in person though so at least I can do that.

 

[Entangled]

I like giving advice and I try to help other people, but for some reason I don't listen to myself :/

 

[Kinetik]

It's fine to not always have advice on hand. I think very often it's a relief for a poster to simply be heard and identified with. There was a thread about that just the other day, actually. Where the OP mentioned how he didn't want pointers, he only wanted to vent and have other people listen and understand. I find that quite often, concrete advice (including my own) can be too daunting and off-putting for the recipient to follow through on. A lot of times a poster knows what they need to do to improve, they're just too scared to put it into practice.

 

[The Lost]

Yep, I want to give advice, and help others, but for the same reasons don't.

 

[Mr Motivator]

funnily enough thats one of the reasons i joined up on here, i think its a great start for fighting social anxiety. even after spending years on these kinda forums i still have to read over my post a good few times before i feel it sounds sane enough to post lol....it gets easier though, the more u force yourself the more u realise ur advice is genuinely appreciated you might feel like u need to give an earth shattering piece of advice that could fix any problem, but i think when people ask for advice, just a different perspective could help them out a lot. lmao ironically i feel everything i just said there was moronic and completely useless :/

 

[coyote]

How does anyone know with certainty that the advice they are giving is correct? Isnt it all subjective? I wonder about this a lot. I guess... one can gauge whether or not the advice given is helpful dependent on whether or not the reaction is positive.

this is why i generally only feel comfortable relating my own personal experiences

in the hope that someone can gain insight from my success or failure

rather than telling them what i think they should do

 

[Shyangel]

I feel you there, coyote.

I don't really like telling people how they should do things because I feel unqualified for such advice. I would rather, simply, just tell them how I relate, and how I've dealt with the situation myself. I mostly just like to give comfort and show support.

 

[Aletheia]

so don't give it

especially those who feel like no one cares or understands what they are going through.

When I worked for Samaritans, they had exactly one firm rule about dealing with calls: Do Not Give Advice. There's no way to know all the details of a person's situation, only they know that, and almost always what they've told you only scratches the surface. Even if it were possible to know everything pertinent, there's no guarantee that what would work for you would work for them. Over and above that, if you give advice to someone and they follow it and something bad happens, you're partly to blame.

Instead we were told to encourage the caller to explore their problem with you, laying out the details of it so that they could see them with some objectivity and find their own solutions. The role of sounding board is an important one.

Besides, a lot of the time people aren't even looking for a fix, and if you try to find one for them, it'll only add to their distress. What they really want is someone to listen to and acknowledge their experience. They just want to feel less alone.

 

[Aletheia]

this is why i generally only feel comfortable relating my own personal experiences

Likewise, and then I fret that I'm sounding self-absorbed but *shrugs* it's relating to people that makes me feel close to them.

I do occasionally catch myself giving advice, but it's almost always something that I had to learn the hard way and I'm desperate to keep the other person from repeating my mistakes.