The Grand Offensive

[LostViking]

Right, I'm not entirely certain why I write this. I guess it feels natural however, considering what I'm planning to embark on. So uh..

Hi, I'm LV the pixelated norse, I suffer from AvPD and I've had enough of it. No, I'm not going to jump off a bridge or chug down my entire box of SSRIs. I'm going on an all out offensive, and it's starting tomorrow. This thing has occupied parts of my brain and personality that I require to function and be happy, and has been doing so for as long as I can remember.

So here I am, pretending that my brain equals a map of France (I'm crazy, and I have papers to prove it, so I can imagine whatever I damn well please). And tomorrow I intend to throw every plane, boat, soldier, bomb, rock, bottle and eggroll in my arsenal at my opponent. I know perfectly well what the risks are. A single mistake, or a second of doubt, and it will be a perfect disaster.

But to speak plainly. I'm going to this work thingy tomorrow. And I will be part of the group, I will have conversations, I'll participate like nobody has ever participated before. No more standing on the other side of the parking lot during smoke breaks because I imagine I'll ruin the chat for everyone by merely being within line of sight. And yes, part of my motivation is a girl that I wish to get to know better, and it scares the **** out of me that I'm facing a deadline on that matter.

So it will be one day of complete focus, just to show myself and everyone else that I can do this. So for my own sake I do hope I return to write an update to this.

And pardon my french, but **** you AvPD. I'm going to be in Berlin by christmas and there's not a thing you can do about it.

Rambling done.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

*applauds*

 

[DanFC]

That's great ^_^ Let us know how it goes, beyond your will to achieve you may further be an inspiration to some of us (cough cough)

 

[dutchguy]

And yes, part of my motivation is a girl that I wish to get to know better, and it scares the **** out of me that I'm facing a deadline on that matter.

Love is always a great motivator. Most of the significant leaps I've made over the past years I can trace back to the pursuit of women. Keep in mind what you're fighting for, and give 'em hell!

EDIT: And may I compliment you on your user name and avatar; The Lost Vikings is a brilliant game

 

[coyote]

outstanding! good luck

 

[mmmm]

Where can I sign up?

 

[Danfalc]

Where can I sign up?

Im loving the little picture

But inspirational speech LostVisking, I wish you the best of luck with it!

 

[mmmm]

^ Thanks. My fearless alter ego!

 

[mismeek]

Good luck! I know you'll do well!

 

[LostViking]

The beach is now officially my turf. And I have to say, once I got past the first few social situations, things felt like they were running on tracks. In fact, I found myself capable of initiating conversations with other members of my group quite easily as the day progressed. In the start however, it truly felt hell'ish, and I had to muster tons of focus and energy to give my input in a conversation.

I feel like I've gone through a mental D-Day now however. It was tough, nasty, terrifying and as mentioned, horrible in the beginning. Might even be some shattered hopes in there that equal the heap of casualties, but I don't feel like getting into that right now.

Bottomline is that the lodgement looks like a success, and I now have the room to operate better as a human being, at least within the safety of the group. I'll report back unless things turn utterly fubar I guess.

 

[dutchguy]

The beach is now officially my turf. And I have to say, once I got past the first few social situations, things felt like they were running on tracks. In fact, I found myself capable of initiating conversations with other members of my group quite easily as the day progressed. In the start however, it truly felt hell'ish, and I had to muster tons of focus and energy to give my input in a conversation.

I feel like I've gone through a mental D-Day now however. It was tough, nasty, terrifying and as mentioned, horrible in the beginning. Might even be some shattered hopes in there that equal the heap of casualties, but I don't feel like getting into that right now.

Bottomline is that the lodgement looks like a success, and I now have the room to operate better as a human being, at least within the safety of the group. I'll report back unless things turn utterly fubar I guess.

That's great LostViking! It's amazing what you can accomplish when you're motivated! Keep it up!

EDIT: Added a quote of your your post because everyone needs to read this

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

That's great! Keep us updated.

 

[LostViking]

So I've spent the weekend and the past few days going through the emotional rollercoaster. Friday I'm told by my doc that there's no point in sending me to therapy, because it won't do much for AvPD, and that I'll spend the rest of my life in my current state, only getting some partial relief through medication.

Luckily I managed to keep my head above water and booked a meeting with the psychiatrist at my school/workplace. After telling him about the situation he went, considering his age and vocation, ballistic. So to make it a short story; He told me to switch to another doc (with experience from psychiatry) immediately, as well as giving me a crash course in things I can do to work my way out of the condition.

So now I'm more motivated than ever, I guess. I just hope it will last, because he also made it clear that the only person who can cure AvPD is me. And that failing will have grave consequences.

 

[Streifen]

Your enthusiasm is inspiring, LostViking! I have been gearing up to wage my own campaign against the ills that plague me, because I finally realized that all this time I have had the power to, somehow it all just tricked me into forgetting that! Here's to you and looking forward to hearing more tales of victory from your arduous journey. You can do this!

 

[LostViking]

It's been a good week for someone like me. For once I can actually feel the progress, continuously making it easier to take the next step socially. It's always tiny steps however, so don't mistake me for freshly baptized fruitcake, but they are leading in the right direction.

 

[LostViking]

I gave my fear of establishing contact or relationships with people a face and a name. I named it Montresor, those of you who know Poe's Casket of Amontillado should recognize it. He acts as my friend, and slowly builds a wall that will trap me. The good news is that unlike Fortunato, I found a sledgehammer. And I like to believe that over the past few weeks, I've dealt the bastard and his wall a mortal blow.

At the same time, **** truly hits the fan though. Having been caught behind the wall for several years now, I had all but forgotten all the other things that lurk in the dark hallways of my mind. Things that threaten to tear through every little thing that might happen to brighten my day. Or to put it like this; Here There Be Dragons, and I have absolutely no idea if I have what it takes to bring the fight to them.

In terms less riddled in insanity. It was easier a month ago, when I was simply anxious around my co-workers, and even having a conversation would require all my energy and focus. Now I have to face the self-loathing and paranoia. Even though I feel I get along more than fine with them, I have this idea that they all hate me, or at the very least would prefer it if I never entered the room in the first place.

Am I a terrible person? Do I annoy everyone I meet? Do they all wish I'd go fall down a well? This "thing" is what has burned my bridges in the past, and I fear it will continue to do so. I had two great friends back in high school, and recently I realized something. Nobody put a gun to their head every friday or saturday and forced them to call me for a movie night or something. They didn't hang around with me for years because some invisible force dictated that they had to do so, or else they would both spontaneously combust.

Yet I've felt this way for years, that I always happened to be the third wheel and they'd merely bring me along out of pity or as a cruel joke. This makes no sense though, does it? Why does it have to be so immensely hard for me to think that they might simply enjoy my company?

And as mentioned, this thing is back. It's some grotesque fire-breathing serpent that burn my bridges before I'm even done building them. It's why I can't have friends, and it's why I will totally fail around every girl in sight. Because getting too close to someone would involve bringing a sad excuse of a human being into their lives.

If someone sees Saint George then send him in my direction.

 

[maiato]

am i a terrible person? Do i annoy everyone i meet? Do they all wish i'd go fall down a well? This "thing" is what has burned my bridges in the past, and i fear it will continue to do so. I had two great friends back in high school, and recently i realized something. Nobody put a gun to their head every friday or saturday and forced them to call me for a movie night or something. They didn't hang around with me for years because some invisible force dictated that they had to do so, or else they would both spontaneously combust.

Yet i've felt this way for years, that i always happened to be the third wheel and they'd merely bring me along out of pity or as a cruel joke. This makes no sense though, does it? Why does it have to be so immensely hard for me to think that they might simply enjoy my company?

am i a terrible person? Do i annoy everyone i meet? Do they all wish i'd go fall down a well? This "thing" is what has burned my bridges in the past, and i fear it will continue to do so. I had two great friends back in high school, and recently i realized something. Nobody put a gun to their head every friday or saturday and forced them to call me for a movie night or something. They didn't hang around with me for years because some invisible force dictated that they had to do so, or else they would both spontaneously combust.

Yet i've felt this way for years, that i always happened to be the third wheel and they'd merely bring me along out of pity or as a cruel joke. This makes no sense though, does it? Why does it have to be so immensely hard for me to think that they might simply enjoy my company?

twice quoted, cause i loved!! Thanks to make me think twice too gl!

 

[LostViking]

Things have been good, much better than I would have dared to hope for a few days ago. Indeed it seems as if good ol' George arrived to lend me a hand after all, and whether this is permanent or temporary (certainly temporary, but I'll hold on to hope until it's removed from my cold, dead hands), I have managed to evade the thoughts that were bombarding me just recently.

So now I'm going to do something immensely hard, for me at least. It's something I fail to talk about with anyone, even the topic in general makes me feel so uncomfortable I'll likely suffer a complete mental lockdown. Girls, love, romance, all that ****. Yes, I had to complete the sentence with "all that ****" merely to, hell I dunno, make it sound like I couldn't care less I guess.

In truth however, I care. To be more specific, I have a tremendous crush (I strongly dislike that word, it sounds so terribly childish) on a girl. And worst of all, I seem to get along very well with her. The only problem is of course that she's already seeing someone, which has helped me reach the conclusion that time and space itself hates my face. To make it even worse, I have a dreadful feeling that I'm going to lose out on something amazing if, well, things perhaps turn my way sooner or later.

I have no idea how much of what I just wrote which ended up in a somewhat comprehensible format.

 

[LostViking]

I now find myself in a state that could very well qualify as the perfect definition of hopelessness. I'm guessing this is depression, but (thankfully) my medication has taken the brunt of it, and I'm left in the aforementioned state.

I have recently come to understand that my AvPD is not some simple static disease. It's a living, breathing being out of pure malice. And it is very much sentient. No matter which move I make, it will find a way to counter it. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means a Jekyll/Hyde, but to some extent it does feel as if there are two separate personalities in me. While the avoidant one might only be on a subconscious level, it does find plenty of ways to cause trouble however.

The grotesque part is that it is my own mother who gave birth to the monster. To make things simple: She suffers from schizophrenia. And during my childhood she transferred her delusional view of the world onto me.

"They all lie"
"They're not really your friends"
"They don't actually like you"
"Do not go near them, they only wish to hurt you"

This is what I heard, not once, not twice. I heard it every day for roughly 10 years, and it left scars that I simply don't know how to heal. It's not a matter of thinking happy thoughts, not a matter of forcing a smile and it will all get better, not a matter of applying logic to the raving madness to debunk it.

So now I want to surrender and let this creature, which I have named Montresor, assume full control. Bridges will burn, and I will go dark, avoiding social contact at any cost. Why? Because he tells me the same things my mother tells me. That I am a burden to my new friends, that they only interact with me out of pity, and that I am not worthy of their attention.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I shouldn't be procrastinating here again but this thread is way too entertaining for me to focus on insurance refund papers and taxes declarations.... I don't know if you're such a failure and a burden as you think you are but you surely have a way to tell stories I don't know why that's the first time I notice your thread. Reading it all in one shot, you remind me of me how in the beginning you were the most motivated person in the world, ready to get where you want to go even if you have to lose one leg, 2 arms and your sanity, and now you're all depressed - thinking nobody wants you in this world and you should hide to not bother anyone by your only presence. I relate to that a lot, and also what you said about your mother. When you have such evident clues on what could have caused or worsened your avpd, I think one useful thing to do is to really sit and try to understand how these elements of your past are dictating your thoughts pattern. I'm no psychologist so this is just a personal trick, but that is what I try to do when the thoughts are starting to keep me from going forward, and I find that it helps me to not transfer my own twisted vision of myself in the eyes of others. Or something like that.