The Grand Offensive

LostViking, at this point you are facing the Ardenes couteroffensive, surrounded in Bastogne. So keep it up. The enemy may look as mighty as the begining, but it's an illusion, they're running out of fuel; they're using horses to carry their equipement while you're using trucks; their factories are being bombed 24/7 while you are the peak of your productivity; they're fighting with children and old men while you have massive reserves of well trained soldiers.

This is Montresor's last desperate attempt of not being crushed, don't let him fool you, you're about to cross the Rhine for the final defeat of the enemy, DO NOT GIVE UP.

Greetings from a Leningrad soldier under siege. I'm starving and freezing but I know that that coming soon the siege will end and then I will go to the offensive myself, straigh to the heart of the Anxiety Beast.
 

LostViking

Well-known member
Guess I'll just have to write "NUTS!" on a post-it sticker and carry it around with me as a reminder ::p:
 

LostViking

Well-known member
Today my mind feels like a battleground more than ever. I guess it's the bizarre mix of input I got during my childhood that is to blame for it. On one hand my mother's propaganda, teaching me that I an outcast, not worthy of anyone's attention, some monster that has to lock itself up to protect itself from the world. On the other hand I have the one thing my grandfather taught me: You do not give up, not ****ing ever. Even if they drop a pile of paratroopers and a dozen halftracks on you (and I'm not speaking in crazyspeak here), you stand your ground. The man didn't have a full night's sleep for 60 years, and he never caved in, the day I give up I will let him down.

Today I went to a volunteer'ish organization thingy for those of us with mental issues. On the bright side, the aforementioned amazing girl hangs out there, that's a reason to go I reckon. On the other hand, it feels like a heavy blow, and that I've reached new levels of rock bottom - mariana trench style. I guess I'm really that broken, and there's no reason to pretend to be anything else anymore. The worst part about the visit was to let her see me as someone as maladjusted as this, some weak disgusting creature who can't handle life without support. On top of this it feels as if every sentence coming out of my mouth cements the fact that I'm an *******, I figure it is how I lie to myself, and assume I make others believe, that I'm better than them, or at the very least worth something. Or perhaps it is just the fear of discovering that someone can actually stand my company that makes me do it. Because if they did, I would have to live with the feeling that they are pretending. Maybe things would be better if I could simply embrace the fact that I need a hand, instead of biting every hand that tries to feed me.

This is rage. Not the sort you feel when your less gifted co-worker has broken your umpteenth pen. I truly wish that Montresor was indeed a tangible creature standing before me, merely so I could rip him apart and make him suffer the same way he makes me suffer. It is both exhausting and intoxicating. On one hand it feels as if I have a lump of rocks caught inside my chest, something heavy, yet not in the same way any earthly matter would be. On the other hand I feel stronger, like the lone wolf forced to fend off every danger on his own. The strange urge to howl at the moon to underline the point that this is my forest, my turf, and if Montresor or any of his henchmen dare to set foot in it they will be shown no mercy.
 

hoddesdon

Well-known member
All the best. It is quite a good idea to use the metaphor of World War II to make this battle realistic in your own mind.

The only certainty is that if you do not do what you are now doing, then nothing will change. Hence it is worth the effort.

You speak really good English by the way, like all Icelanders.
 

LostViking

Well-known member
I have a sudden urge to write again, because frankly, I have no idea what is going on. For the past month me and my avoidance, Montresor, have had some sort of truce. The sort we've hard before which in reality is nothing but a victory for him. Don't get me wrong, I haven't surrendered entirely, but I have also tried not to provoke all out warfare. A few trips outside to grab a coffee with a friend suffering from SA as well, and some random exchange of words with my co-workers, but that's it.

Today I was forced "unto the breach", by going out with several friends (all suffering from SA and like, but still not as easy feat for me). It gave me at least some feeling of success and progression, until I got home and Montresor began his barrage. The certainty that they were now glad they finally got rid of me, that they didn't really want me there to begin with. Not to mention, because one of them is an amazing girl that I happen to like a whole lot (and it's still actually hard for me to write that), he the ammunition needed to hit me where it perhaps hurts even more. The knowledge that I can never have a relationship with another person the way others do.

As the depression is about to hit me like some runaway freight-train, and I am about to give in to it, I find some other sort of feeling or who knows what standing between us. Right now it feels as if my chest is about to burst, and every joint in my body aches, yet not in a bad way. It is as if the depression is there, I can feel it and does have some influence, yet it fails to take control over me. A shining knight just arrived on the battlefield, I just wish I knew his name.
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
I have recently come to understand that my AvPD is not some simple static disease. It's a living, breathing being out of pure malice. And it is very much sentient. No matter which move I make, it will find a way to counter it.

I love your way with words, and the imagery that comes with it and I have to thank you for putting it this way, because I've never realised I experience it the same way.
 
You're doing great. Now you know that you're not fighting alone, you can contain Montresor, next you will be able to push him back.

Every time you are tempted to think that people is glad to get rid of you, dismiss it as an irrational and senseless idea. I seriously think that a group of SA people will only go out with somebody only if they really like and thrust each other in the group.
 
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