Springk's Questions / Rambles

[springk]

Hi everyone
I have been a member here for three years i guess.
Have posted very little mainly in how are you feeling section.

My story is a complicated one , i dont think anyone gets it, not even me.

The bottom line is that i am 26 and i have enough.
Dont worry its not the post about ending it all because i don't want to hurt my family and also i am scared of what happens after death.

The point here is that now i am feeling kinda numb..like i don't exist anymore.
I had ocd/or have ocd( i was never diagnosed because i live in a country where you can't have good psychologist)

anyway i spent 7 /8 years believing i have ocd( and trying to overcome it).
i was escapist/ dreamer having insane dreams like falling in love with a celeb etc. I never had a friend ( lasting) or a bf.. now i look back at all those years when i did nothing except dreaming and life moved on.

so here i am , without a career , without lover or any hope to find one.

my story doesnt sounds too bad because it doesnt contain stuff that i dont share/ cant share.

my fear now is that i am like a numb person, i never smile or laugh/ there is NO joy in my heart, feel without emotion.
In spite of all the pain i feel this numbness is worse.

Can you feel this way?

I Don't feel i will live again.
And i will never find a man who will understand me and i will be stuck with a marriage without understanding/ as i don't think anyone can love me as i can't love.
But remaining unmarried is not an option.

so how can i go about carrying my dead self( sounds scary)?

i have been thinking for 2 months and all i did was to just be alive/not living.
my brain is not at all resting.

 

[nodejesque]

SPPPRRIINGK!
Hi I feel like I haven't seen you on here, in a while.
I can completely understand what you are currently going through.. something that has helped me when I feel as if if I am nothing but part of the background, or non existent, and you put it... is going out for runs. Anything that allows me to get out and breathe, to feel my heart beating out of my chest.

I am really sorry you feel this way. As far as friends go, I thing that there is this preconceived notion that as adults we must have many friends. But in reality, I don't think that is possible. You will always have acquaintances, but true friends are rare. Id say that it is better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who ultimately don't really know you.

Anyway... you are 26, there will be friends for you springk. You can always message me if you'd like to talk. I know its not the same as having a friend there, in the flesh, but its something

I hope things look up for you...

 

[springk]

Today, I am feeling very very bad( words can't describe).
It is something i can't describe, Something that is eating me up..and it is creating a gulf between the only family i have.
I am the villian..black sheep ..
I am the only who does drama all the time, weak, pathetic, attention seeker, life sucker, selfish..
I am born this way CROOKED
The only thing i don't have is courage..guts to end myself.
If only i can put an end to myself..everything will be alright.

If only i can do just one right thing..All this suffering will end..i will no more hurt anyone..

I can just say goodbye to me..and like a magic..my existance will be over.

 

[kihira]

The black sheep in the family is often the most interesting person! It can be be quite mind-freeing to mentally remove yourself from the need for approval of family, get rid of the weight of expectation. I hope you can find some light in the darkness you're feeling right now

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You sound like the female version of me. I understand how you feel. I'm always escaping in a romantic day-dream.......sometimes it seems so real. But then I'm back to my dreadful reality.

You say you will never find love. I don't know why you think this. Maybe you think you're too old....or something even worse. But, I do know, whatever you happened to you or you think prevents someone from loving you (appearance etc), you're wrong. There is someone out there for you. That will love you regardless. Okay, maybe they won't be a celebrity but they will be one to you. You just have to keep yourself open to the possibility.

If there aren't any men to your liking in your local area. Go on a online match making website. Who knows. You just might meet someone outside your country that you fall in love with. Bonus points. You're out of your third world country!

....Maybe God (or the Universe) is moving you in this direction to prepare you for something special.....................if you let it. But, you need to move forward in spite of the pain.

You're more special than you think!

 

[Graeme1988]

The black sheep in the family is often the most interesting person! It can be quite mind-freeing to mentally remove yourself from the need for approval of family, get rid of the weight of expectation. I hope you can find some light in the darkness you're feeling right now

Agreed! :thumbup:

 

[jaim38]

The black sheep in the family is often the most interesting person! It can be be quite mind-freeing to mentally remove yourself from the need for approval of family, get rid of the weight of expectation. I hope you can find some light in the darkness you're feeling right now

I second this!

 

[springk]

Black sheep ..was like i don't do anything good and i m a pathetic person..not that i have to fulfill any expectation..i m already a burden.

..... another rant

I want to die..but the funny thing is that death is choosy..takes away ppl who want to live..man i wish i had guts.
.....what a pathetic person i m..haha i cant even end it.

i should probably add a warning in the title::
PLEASE DONT READ AND WASTE YOUR TIME..
THIS THREAD IS USELESS


wish i was 99.
this life is a curse.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Now, Now, Now............If you're thinking about your current status in life and how you're behind everyone else, then you're guaranteed to fall into a depression. You have to move away from thinking of where you're are in life now and think long term.

You have a lot of time to build a better life. But, if you continue this mindset, you will be in the same position, 5, 10, 20, years from now. You're stuck in your head! Your obsessed with what you've missed out on, what you don't have, all of the negatives.........Instead focus on the things you do have, what you can be grateful for.

You're in a hole. It will take a while to climb out of it. Life isn't a movie. Love, success, accomplishment----takes many many years.

You'll probably need medication to help you move forward. I'm taking Venlafaxine. It's for depression and prevents me from getting too down. That with a better perspective and "trying" to see the bright side of things, has helped.

Don't give up. If you try your best, take a long term view on life, smell the flowers, you will be happier and BRAVE.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Springk!

You're still young, beautiful things may still happen to you!

I can commiserate and sometimes have thought I'd never meet someone special etc too, or who would fall in love with me, but people did, and again, you're way younger than me so I can tell you even after 30+ people can fall in love with you!

It sounds like you might not have quite a healthy family life, sometimes parents can be loving but too critical (mine too). Please don't put all the blame on yourself!

People without careers can have a boyfriend/lover too. (I know some personally)

OCD can suck, and I hope you find help for it, there are books about it on Amazon too, and some online sites can be helpful too..

Please know suicide is not an answer, if I did it when I was a teenager (when I felt suicidal) I'd miss many great things happening to me! I met a lot of great people since then, some became friends, a few more...!

Hope you can find some good therapist, or at least some good books to read - I found great help in some, like Louise Hay: You can heal your life, and Dr David Burns: The Feeling Good Handbook, or even Depression for Dummies (despite the title, good book!)... Maybe you can look for them in your local library or online?

Some therapists even work online, maybe you could try something like this?

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry you feel this way, springk. I don't really know what to say but I assure you that we are all here for you if you need to talk to anyone.

 

[springk]

I feel really bad today. I wish there was at least some thing , any thing to bring me back to life. I know writing this here will not help but today is holiday and i feel like ahh so bad ........i think i need to work all the time , so that i don't have time to think about my life and the problems that haunt me all the time.
Anyways i thought i just write few sad lines here.

 

[MikeyC]

Hey, springk. That's not good. My PM's are open if you need them, okay?